


A Crystal Heart's Easy to Break, Baby

by The_Qing



Category: Space ☆ Dandy, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-14
Updated: 2015-03-19
Packaged: 2018-02-25 08:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 88,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2615078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Qing/pseuds/The_Qing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An unwelcome and Dandy face from Pearl's past comes to Beach City in pursuit of a terrible menace that could spell the end of Beach City. Unfortunately for her, Steven thinks that he's a pretty cool guy. A hilarious and heartbreaking Space Adventure in Space on Earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Alien Hunters

_Space is big, I guess._

_Actually, that's something of a fact depending on where you sit. With the right chair, anything can look small from a seated position. For instance, if you were to take the perspective of a blockhead bounty hunter and his pinhead robot sidekick/partner/slave/sponsor who were lazily whittling away the minutes in a clunky, but inexplicably functional, space ship, then Space was quite large indeed. The two and their vessel were little more than infinitesimal specks aimlessly roaming the infinite. And they knew it._

_What they gleaned from this daunting bit of knowledge was that it took them a while to get anywhere._

_Thankfully, that meant that there wasn't much room for many surprises. Destitute as they were, they owned tools that made it seem like the gears of the celestial engine moved at a decrepit and observable pace along with its flecks of paint and rust. Barring the abrupt occurrence of a cataclysmic space wedgie where all of existence would simply decide to call it quits, there was no menace that wasn't easy to circumvent, no dying sun they couldn't gingerly back away from, no piece of projectile junk they couldn't dodge. If they wanted to get somewhere or get away from somewhere, they could, lightyears be damned. As far as they were concerned, while space was indeed large, its enormity was less intimidating as it was mildly inconvenient. Provided everything worked as it should and didn't explode in their faces of course._

_Where they were at the moment perfectly exemplified the miniscule, but adept position of any interstellar traveller worth his or her salt; travelling through a wide open stretch of pure distance, far from any planet, sun, or space station. It was one of the ever-expanding gulfs of in-between, a void's void. On the downside, it was very much like the high-concept equivalent of standing in a moderately long and cold queue where you were 5 persons away from what you were after. On the upside, they didn't have to worry about being blasted out of the blue by pirates trying to board their ship or twitchy planetary defenses misfiring in their direction. They'd be able to spot them coming miles upon miles away and flee accordingly. The only threat they could face here, besides the aforementioned wedgie that would kill everyone too quickly for them to care, was if something were to warp where they were. This was ludicrously unlikely. There were in the middle of nowhere; no one would have anything to gain from making this their destination._

_That didn't stop 20 tons of twisted, gnashing implausibility from doing so regardless._

_An enormous pink flash preceded its abrupt arrival, and it was only through the twosome's quick thinking that a collision was avoided. It streaked past them, causing their ship to be sent tumbling by the force of this near-miss. The cockpit was transformed into a dizzying, twirling jumble of sleazy magazines, half-eaten snacks, and rusty power tools with its two occupants thrown in the mix. Luckily, robots don't actually get dizzy in so much as they enjoy making "whoah-whoah-whoah" sounds when the opportunity presents itself and soon the controls were in a chubby, metal grip that managed to make just the right yanking motions to get everything to stop spinning._

" _Owww…took your time, didn't you?"_

_The robot snorted, a gesture of spite made all the more calculated given that it did not have a nose. "You're welcome, Dandy."_

" _Cut the sass, QT." Dandy groaned, fighting off nausea as he tried to get back on his feet. "What the hell was that thing?"_

_As if in answer, there was a brief flicker of pink on the left side of the solar windshield._

" _Gone apparently." QT shrugged with his hands. "It just warped somewhere else."_

_Dandy groaned, still unable to get vertical with everything still swaying back and forth in his eyes. "Did you at least get a good look at it with those fancy cameras of yours? Maybe a license plate so we can track him down and sue?"_

_QT's digital pinprick eyes contorted into twin hourglasses as he searched his memory for images of the object that had sent them spiraling out of control, "Oh yeah, it did have a license plate, several in fact. Along with a bunch of wires, burnt-out lightbulbs, rusty cans, half a bulldozer, what I think might be the chassis of a luxury sedan, and that's only what I could make out." He fought back the base programming that told him to hunt down that mobile mess of a meteor and make it clean. Sometimes, a robot had to pick its battles._

" _So we nearly got run over by a flying junkyard? The nerve of some dumps." Dandy had given up on trying to stand and had opted to crawl back into his chair instead. Once seated, things started to stabilize ever so slightly, and he tentatively brought a hand to his hair to see if everything was still in place. To his irritation, the regent pompadour he usually sported had been awkwardly squashed to the side. Thankfully his comb had managed to stay in his pocket during the tumble. With practiced care, he took it out and went about restoring his pomp to its former glory._

_Having performed this act of cosmetic maintenance countless times, he required no mirror or too much concentration to do his 'do properly. He decided to take a look around as he did so to pass the time and hopefully chase away his remaining disorientation. QT was running diagnostics, no doubt fearing that something vital that prevented the Aloha-Oe from exploding had been jostled; The bridge was a mess and he didn't even want to imagine what all that spinning had done to the pantry and his collectibles, but he could always get QT to clean that up later; Then he looked out the window and saw that the stars had remained largely the same, proving that they hadn't been knocked too far off course._

" _How much longer until we get to the buffet?" Dandy asked._

" _It'll probably take another hour or so. But just give me a minute to make sure that everything's in working order." QT replied._

" _All right, but I'm counting down the seconds." Dandy replied as he put the finishing touches on his hair. "And don't even think about suggesting we war-hello, what is that?"_

" _What's what?"_

_Dandy didn't answer. Instead he put his comb aside and grabbed a small, rectangular box from under the control panel. He began to manipulate the twin joysticks protruding from its surface, causing a long telescopic metal claw to slither into the cockpit's view._

" _Why are you using the claw for?" QT asked as the tube-like appendage stretched further into what appeared to be star-specked nothingness._

" _Keep your wheels on…almost got it." The plate-tipped pincers gently clamped down. A few careful tugs of the control pad later, and the claw withdrew just enough so that the ship's two occupants could see what it had retrieved._

_QT didn't believe it. Between the steel hold of the claw was a large, pale, oval-shaped gemstone. "Wow. How did you manage to spot that from so far away?"_

_Dandy clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "You know me, QT. I'm an old pro at spotting booty of all kinds."_

_His robot companion fumed at having given him yet another chance to congratulate himself. It's not like he was incapable of finding grounds to do so every other hour. Still, QT had to admit that it was a mildly impressive feat. The stone was pretty small as far as space rocks went and probably wouldn't have shown up on their radar. Even if it had managed to reflect some light amongst all this darkness, it could easily have been mistaken for just another faraway star or planet to the untrained or uncaring eye._

_He'd snap his own motherboard in half before ever saying such to him though._

" _Yeah, you sure are." QT conceded lamely._

" _Damn straight." Dandy smiled. "Now let's bring this puppy in. I think we might be able to sell it for a pretty penny."_

_The robot tilted slightly forward on his wheels as a kind of nod and made preparations to open the airlock. "Maybe we can buy back those seatbelts we pawned off!" he offered excitedly._

" _Why would we waste our money on something like that?" Dandy scoffed as he had the claw deposit the gem into the open hatch._

_QT quickly glanced at a new tear on one of Dandy's sleeves and a small dent on his own curvy frame that wasn't there 15 minutes ago. "You're right. What was I thinking?"_

_After Dandy had safely deposited the stone into the ship, the two quickly got it out of the airlock and brought it with them to the ship's lounge, feeling immensely pleased with themselves all the way._

_Dandy gave it a quick, sloppy kiss, all ready imagining the hypothetical riches it would get him. "Cute, little thing, ain't it?" he observed as he held the gem up to the light._

" _My scanners say that it's a giant pearl." QT said. "I wonder how it ended up way out here in space."_

" _Maybe there's a giant clam out there that we can get registered." Dandy mused, turning the pearl in his hands as he did so. "Or if it's not rare, we could always have it for dinner."_

" _Oysters, Dandy. Oysters are the ones that make pearls." QT corrected. "And quit shaking it. You might drop the gem and lower its market value!"_

" _I-I'm not doing this!" Dandy cried. The stone kept shaking, more violently than before, and Dandy tried to keep a hold of it by bringing his other hand to bear. "Hold still, you little-," was about as far as he got when it finally shot out of his grip._

_QT's arms stretched out to catch the stone as it sailed past, but its vibrating thwarted any attempt to grab it. Now, unimpeded by man and robot alike, the pearl did as physics decreed and clattered to the ground._

_Its would-be owners quickly rushed to the fallen gem, questions about why it had wrenched itself from Dandy's grip were pushed aside by far more important inquiries like, 'Did it get scratched?', 'Was it cracked?', and 'Can we still sucker someone into paying top dollar for it if yes was the answer to one or both of the previous questions?' To their relief, they saw no visible fractures of any sort on the pearl's surface. It seemed that this gem wasn't as fragile as either of them feared._

" _Hah!" Dandy smirked, turning to face QT. "And you were worried about me dropping i-."_

_The pearl erupted in a brilliant and enormous blaze of light._

_But since Dandy and QT were looking at one another at the time, they were only half-blinded._

* * *

"Are you sure this will work?" Steven asked Pearl as she made another practice swing with her spear.

Pearl grumbled something about how her thumb slipped before replying, "Oh you don't have to worry about that, Steven. I've all ready crunched the numbers and everything's set up, so all I need to do now is get my stance right and we should be good to go."

"HEY!" Amethyst shouted from higher up the cliff. "IS SHE DONE YET? TELL HER TO GET DONE FASTER!"

Steven nodded, though he wasn't sure if Amethyst could see him do so. It was a pretty dark night after all. "She's asking if you're done."

"No need for that, I heard it too." Pearl said absentmindedly. "Just need to get the left shoulder a twinge higher and straighten the knees a little. Hmmm, Steven, please tell Amethyst that you can't rush these things."

"WHAT DID SHE SAY?!" Amethyst asked.

"She said that you're doing a great job and that she's almost done!" Steven replied.

"OH, OKAY!" Amethyst said, believing the quasi-lie. "IT'S JUST THAT MY ARMS ARE GETTING KINDA SORE! ASK GARNET IF SHE WANTS TO TRADE PLACES WITH ME!"

"Absolutely not." Pearl said. "I'd have to recalculate this entire maneuver if she did."

"Plus," Garnet said from her position. "I kind of want to be the projectile this time."

At that, Steven decided to take another glance at what the Gems had been building for the last five minutes. Amethyst had created an extremely long elastic whip, the end of which had been tied around the town lighthouse. After making sure that Amethyst was dug in enough so that she wouldn't fall off the hill (again), Garnet had leaned against the length of it, before leaping off of the edge and then planting her feet firmly into the cliff wall just a foot shy from the ground itself. It was a weirdly practical set-up as far as the Gems were concerned; using their environment to form an enormous faux slingshot. Steven thought it looked like getting launched out of it would be fun if Amethyst's whip wasn't still loaded with thorns, Pearl needing to smack the loaded individual to give them the added boost needed to fire themselves high in the sky instead of being grounded to paste by a stone wall, and how the person send up there would have to fight a monster rapidly descending from space that (according to Garnet) 'totally wants to smash into Beach City' and eat everyone there.

From behind him, there was a sharp, swift sound of air being sliced, followed by a vibrant cry of triumph. "Yes!" Pearl sauntered past Steven and was so relaxed and confident, that you'd swear she didn't know about the alien menace about to crash into them all within the next few minutes.

As she got behind Garnet and began to adjust her posture, Steven couldn't help but wonder if Pearl using her weapon for this was the best idea. "Are you sure that using your spear won't hurt Garnet when you hit her with it? I could get some golf clubs from my dad's shed!" he suggested.

Garnet, whose gaze had been sternly fixed at her distant target, turned her head toward Steven. "Can you do that in less than three minutes?"

"No." Steven said sadly.

"It's all right, Steven." Pearl assured him as she rotated her torso and arms into a finely practiced back-swing, the grip on her weapon firm and expertly placed. "I'm just using the back of the blade for this." And then she swung.

It was almost too fast for Steven to register. One moment Pearl had positioned herself to deliver the coveted blow and the next she was poised in a perfect follow-through whose subtleties were lost on Steven due to his limited experiences with actual golf. Fortunately, the results were much easier to appreciate: the whip and Garnet snapped upward in a near instant, kicking up a swath of mineral detritus from the cliff face in their wake. In little more than a second, the bands fell away from her and she was over the cliff and the lighthouse like a red-and-black blur of a missile fired into the starlit sky, becoming little more than a barely recognizable speck the further she went.

Steven, Amethyst, and Pearl looked up after their friend, wondering if this daring, but calculated, gambit would work out. A bright crimson flash, an explosion of dust, and the thunderous booming of a massive collision overhead did little to ease these fears; Pearl suddenly realized that she hadn't factored in the unwelcome, if unlikely possibility that Garnet might crash through an airplane or two on her way to dealing with the threat. Mercifully, a titanic pained roar of something most definitely not of this world temporarily overpowered the tranquil night sounds of Beach City. The soothing notes of the tide gently rolling across the shore and the simple sporadic melodies of nocturnal insects gave way to an immense agonized shriek that would have the unsuspecting townsfolk still awake reeling in terrified confusion.

For Steven and the Gems, it was music to their ears; indicative of a crisis averted made all the sweeter by their spotting what had to be the defeated opponent hurdling far away from where they were to sink into the ocean. Garnet would never allow herself to fall in such a wild and clumsy way after all, and to their added relief, something solid and whole fell from the sky a moment later in a controlled arc. They saw it hit the waters across the Temple's gaze with such precision and purpose that it barely made a splash. Amethyst, who had the best view of the event and its aftermath from her spot on the hill, yelled to her companions below that she could see someone swimming towards them from where the object had landed.

Pearl grinned. Everything had worked out after all. Why wouldn't it? Having known what was coming and given time to plan, success was the only reasonable outcome. Garnet had even come out of it in one piece and near the Temple so she wouldn't have to travel so far after it was over. Again, just as calculated. She called out to Amethyst that it was time to leave, getting a loud tired grunt in response. Recalling her spear with one hand, she beckoned Steven to follow her as she began to walk home.

Steven started to follow her along the coast, but stopped to spare a glance at the stars above. Whatever had been trying to reach Beach City had definitely not been friendly, and neither had the last thing to come down from there. Finding out what the Gems were and how they weren't really from Earth may have proved that they weren't alone in the universe, but everything out there just seemed to be so angry and hostile. As he made his way toward the temple steps, he wondered if outer space was as great as Pearl made it out to be; if there was anything remotely friendly beyond their world that could come and visit for once.

* * *

"I'm still a little sore from last night, what about you?" Amethyst asked, giving her left bicep a slight rub to see if there was any pain left in it.

"A tiny bit." Garnet lied. "You should see the other guy."

Amethyst had to giggle at that. Cramped as her arms were from having to carry her whip, Garnet, and pretty much the entirety of Pearl's crazy scheme, they were probably faring a lot better than the face of that freak of nature the Amazing Flying Garnet had smashed. "No kidding. I couldn't see most of what went down, but it sounded like you really gave that creep a pounding."

Her taller friend nodded in response. "So where do you think Steven ran off to?" she asked, slowing her gait to give the passing buildings and streets some brief, but intense scrutiny.

"I dunno." Amethyst casually answered, simply glad that Garnet's slower pace meant that she had to take less steps to keep up with her. "I lost track of him an hour ago. Why?"

Garnet shrugged. "We did tell Pearl that we were going to watch over him."

"And we did," Amethyst said. "For about five minutes." She caught Garnet giving her what was probably a mildly disapproving glance behind her sunglasses. "Oh don't look at me like that! He'll be fine, he always is. Besides, it was the only way she'd let us out of the temple without nagging at us."

"True." Garnet admitted. Despite how well they had done against whatever it was she pulverized the previous night, Pearl had insisted they put in a few dozen hours into preparing for the next time something like it tried to slam into their home. "But we are going to have to do it eventually. Why not now?"

Amethyst stroked her chin as if she was giving the matter some serious thought. "Hmmm, let me think, beautiful day or stare at a hologram of some butt-ugly beast until Pearl gets sick of it? Tough choice." She threw up her arms in mock frustration. "If it's going to happen anyway, I'd much rather it did when it's raining or when that mayor guy throws one of his dumb parades."

"That's fair."

Relieved that Garnet wasn't going to change her mind, fetch Steven, and drag them all back home, Amethyst realized there was something that she had meant to ask all morning. "Was it really that ugly?"

"Exactly that ugly." Garnet replied. "I kind of liked it."

"Ewwww." Amethyst half-wretched, half-laughed.

"Not like that." Garnet corrected. "It was just a nice change of pace." Her voice suddenly became quiet. "Considering that it wasn't even a Gem."

"That's what I'm talking about." Amethyst pumped her fists in the air. "We need some variety in the things we beat up!" She had expected Garnet to make a curt sound of agreement or no auditory reply at all. What she hadn't expected, was the slobbering.

She quickly turned to face Garnet who shook her head. It hadn't been her. The taller Gem then pointed ahead towards an intersection and wagged her finger toward the right. They quickly made their way around the bend to see what was causing such a loud and disgusting noise. That's when they saw the giant cat.

Perhaps calling it a giant cat was a bit of an oversimplification. It had the whiskers, the white fur, the slinky tail, and the grey paws that you'd find on any normal feline, but everything else about it looked wrong. Cats, however large they were, didn't have pear shaped forms and long necks that ended with heads too small for their bodies that had eyes too large for their heads. These peculiarities were so distracting that they only noticed that it was wearing a pair of orange crocs, a pistachio vest, a gold bracelet, and a red hat with a small, yellow smiley face logo at its center after it had taken out its cellphone.

"Oh man, they weren't kidding when they said the Salmon-Anchovie was the best thing on the menu." It said in between scarfing down pizza slices with a voice that was weaselly, but distinctly male. "melp dot com rules! I gotta chweet about this place."

Well it could talk, and in English no less, but despite it now being very clear to them that they could communicate with it, the Gems were unsure as to how to engage this unknown entity. If it had been hostile, perhaps attacking the Fish Stew Pizza restaurant behind him in a feral rage, then what they'd need to do would be all too clear. However, with it just sitting on the curb as it slurped up cheese and played with its phone, this was a variety of first contact they hadn't encountered in a while. Finally, after about a minute of watching (and hearing) him chweet and eat, it was Amethyst who broke the dribble-tinged stalemate.

"Uh." She said uncertainly.

"Hm?" The cat thing's ears-Amethyst just noticed that there seemed to be four of them around the sides of his face-perked up and it turned to face the two of them. "Yeah?"

"What are you?" Garnet asked tersely.

"Oh this?" the cat thing pointed to the folded pizza in the claw not holding the smart phone. "Oh this used to be a pizza, but I folded it, so now it's kind of like a calzone." He licked his lips, all ready anticipating his next bite. "And a pretty dang good one, too. Thanks again, Mr. Fish!" he shouted towards the store behind him.

"Stop loitering outside my store, cat!" Koffi Pizza yelled from inside his restaurant, apparently uncaring that his most recent customer hadn't been human.

Said bestial patron gave the shop and its owner a mild glare that went unnoticed by Koffi since he was quite occupied with cleaning up a large trail of dander that seemed to start at the register and end at the door. The creature briefly wondered if some shedding stray had wandered in when he hadn't been looking. "Oh that's gonna cost him a star." He grumbled as he gobbled up another mouthful of pizza. Despite his best efforts to maintain his frown, the sublime flavors of the morsel quickly lifted his spirits. "Okay….maybe just half a star." He said in a manner he thought magnanimous, but to the Gems, appeared to be more conceited than anything else. Then he turned his long neck to face them once more. "So does that answer your question?"

"She meant what are you, dude? You're a giant cat! What's up with that?" Amethyst demanded, having wrested her tongue away from the metaphorical cat to direct it at the material one.

"I'm not a cat!" the cat-like being snapped. "I'm a Betelgeusian! And you're one to talk with your purple skin and that gem in your cleav-GEM?!" the Betelgeusian recoiled in horror, finally noticing the violet crystal lodged in Amethyst chest. It cocked its frightened head to the side to see that yes, Garnet had crystals of her own as well. "Ahehe, you-you guys wouldn't happen to be Garnet and Amethyst, would you?"

"How do you know our names?" Amethyst asked.

The Betelgeusian gave a nervous chuckle. "Ah, there's no need to get creeped out, Garnet."

"I'm Garnet." Garnet corrected.

"Whoops." The Betelgeusian gulped. "Sorry about that. Dandy was pretty vague about which was which."

Amethyst was pretty sure she couldn't remember anyone called Dandy, and with a name as strange as that she certainly would have. "Dandy?"

"F-forget I said anything. It's nothing-nothing!" The Betelgeusian waved a greasy paw as if to swat away the name. "Certainly not something you'd need to tell…which one of you is the worrywart of the bunch?"

"Pearl." Garnet and Amethyst answered simultaneously.

"Right, that one. My friends and I, who have zero history with any of you, are just a bunch of alien hunters who came here chasing a Slammerhead. Seen one of those by the way? Big, angry, winged, teal thing with a giant slab for a skull?" he brought the pizza box up to his face to give a rough approximation of what he was talking about. "Might've tried to kamikaze your town."

"I punched it." Garnet stated.

This caused the Betelgeusian to back away slightly. "Is it dead?"

Amethyst shrugged. "It sank into the ocean. So I'm guessing yeah."

"Dang, more work for us I guess." The alien hunter cursed. "At least we know it's probably nearby."

"What?"

"I'm telling you guys, it doesn't matter." He tried to assure them to no effect. "Besides, I'm sure you're all super busy with your Gem stuff. So I'll be going now. But before I leave…" the Betelgeusian put down the pizza box and gingerly pushed it in their direction. When he didn't get a reaction from either Gem, he gave it an additional, less subtle push.

"Are you trying to bribe us with this?" Amethyst winced.

"What? Bribe?! No-no-no, you've got it all wrong. I'm just implying-." He had his tail clumsily push it even closer to the pair. "-That if you're eating this awesome pizza, then you'll be too preoccupied to go to the Beach or tell Pearl anything about this little encounter. So you should probably do that. There's even a complimentary packet of chilli flakes in there!" the Betelgeusian gave a very cat-like smile, before standing up from the sidewalk, picking up a second box of pizza with him as he did so, this one unopened. "Well it was nice meeting you guys. Bye!" he waved to them briefly before running the other direction on his hind, shoed legs.

The Gems watched his strange, inexplicable retreat until he vanished around a corner.

"So…should we tell Pearl?" Garnet asked, only to be answered by a sound of absolute disgust from Amethyst.

"There are 2 and a half slices left in this thing and they're all covered in cat hair!" Amethyst gagged as she surveyed the contents of the box.

"Betelgeusian."

"Whatever. This bribe stinks. We're telling Pearl." Amethyst said as she tossed the drool-soaked gratuity into a nearby garbage can.

"Fair enough." Garnet said. "Makes you wonder though."

"Wonder what?"

"How we're going to tell her, while still managing to get to the beach in time to see whatever that space cat was afraid would happen." Garnet explained.

"Good point." Amethyst mulled over this dilemma. If Pearl was going to react as badly as the Betelgeusian feared, the whole incident might end by the time either she or Garnet caught up to their neurotic teammate. It'd be a waste to tell her and not bear witness to the consequences. Luckily, centuries of bugging Pearl had imbued in her a very specific brand of cleverness that lay solely in that department and in a few moments, she was confident enough to tell Garnet, "Head over to the beach to make sure the cat and this Dandy guy don't go anywhere. I'll catch up to you in a bit."

"You have a plan?"

"It's more of an outline." Amethyst grinned. "That's usually more than enough."

* * *

60 feet of smooth, taut flesh from top to tip with a clubbed tail taking up about half of that length,

20 meters of leathery wingspan with digits arranged not unlike those of a bat,

Powerful, backwards jointed legs that ended in viciously sharp talons,

And a disproportionally large "face" 6 meters wide and 14 high; little more than a rectangular slab of skin and bone with two beady eyes jutting out of its side.

Shame she couldn't do anything about the color, but it was probably a mostly faithful holographic reproduction of the monster from the previous night.

After Garnet had gotten back to shore, she had asked her for images of their vanquished enemy. The crimson Gem was nothing if not incredibly perceptive, and while partially incomplete, the recordings she provided had been incredibly crisp and detailed in spite of how brief and fast her encounter with it had been. Pearl barely had to fill out any gaps when she cobbled this simulation together.

Pearl walked around the image for what felt like the hundredth time. At first, she had decided to study it so they could better handle encounters with similar creatures in the future. Now she was coming to the disquieting realization that it was incredible they had beaten it the way they did at all. While she couldn't fathom how its wings managed to maneuver it through the depths of space, what wasn't difficult to understand was that this alien was designed for crashing into things at high speeds. Its curved block of a visage was two meters thick with an undoubtedly sturdy spinal structure to support it and she had arranged for Garnet to uppercut what was probably the hardest chin in the solar system.

Well that wasn't entirely accurate as she had elected to simply punch it square in the face, but that didn't change the fact that Garnet could very well have bounced off the beast or worse when they collided. If only she'd known this was what was coming down at them from the stars, she could've planned for it differently. Garnet's powers of perception had given her an approximate weight and size of what to expect, but for all the planning and calculations she had done, she had still been too rash and everyone had almost paid for it.

She sighed, trying to reign in all these dismal scenarios and concentrate on the task at hand. The gambit she had committed everyone to might have been a near-farce, but she could still learn from this stroke of luck. A quick burst of concentration caused the hologram to shift into the shape Garnet had seen the creature take as it streaked through the atmosphere. Wings and legs folded to reduce air resistance, head angled to presumable steer it towards Beach City with the tail set to achieve the same effect. In hindsight, attacking it head-on was practically suicidal, even if its horrid face made for an appetizing target. That must've been the point though, a natural defense system to distract potential attackers from its vulnerabilities. But where would those be located? Hitting it hard from the side might work, but it was clear that the creatures was nothing, if not durable if it could survive using itself for kinetic bombardment before presumably flying back up to do it all over again.

Pearl shook her head at that. The power to visit far-off planets and travel the great void, and this cretin used it purely for destruction. It was a dreadful waste. She looked at the grotesque bullet of tendons and teeth again. Nature might've seen fit to equip it well, but lifeforms forged from chance always had some sort of flaw you could exploit, a weakspot that greater minds could identify. The tail was another appealing target, though the bony club at the end of it hinted that it was as much a distraction as the head on the other end of the creature was. The rest of its body wasn't any more appetizing as it was a powerfully built affair; you might change its course a smidgen, but it was still going to cause some damage. No, she needed to find a place that would completely shatter the beast's momentum when hit, reducing it to little more than a screaming, directionless mess. Of course, its face was completely out of the question. And yet, it was the lynchpin tying the entire attack together. If the assault could be undone in an instant, it would definitely involve this tumorous edifice. In this shape, everything seemed to burst out of the head like bristles from a brush's ferrule. But on closer inspection, she saw that this wasn't entirely the case. There was one feature that broke the illusion of it being a living missile from space. Could it be? Could it really be that simple?

*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!*

Pearl was so startled by the shrill alarm that she could barely stop herself from sinking hip-deep into the fountain she was standing on, dispelling her object of study. She shivered at the sudden wetness, but quickly set herself back up and began to search her room for the source of the disruption.

The alarm clock was crudely taped to the side of a dingy inner tube that was floating on one of the lower fountains; the one that acted as a kind of passage between her room and Amethyst's…room. Her mischievous teammate must have dug it out of the detritus that littered the caverns of the temple. She groaned before gracefully leaping onto the watery platform, trying to ignore the mechanical shrieking that was now echoing all around her abode.

Pearl made quick work of the device, even taking a moment to expertly tinker with its inner workings so as to make it useless for future skulduggery. Miffed as she was, she couldn't help but wonder how long the clock had been floating here; she had been so wrapped up in studying the recordings that it could've been snuck in at any time during the last hour or so. And then there was the fact that she felt that the other shoe was still to drop, so to speak. Amethyst was a terribly blunt Gem. If her sole aim had been to startle her, then she'd have done it herself just to see the look on her face. There had to be another layer to this or she wouldn't have used something as complex (as far as she could bother to manage) as a timer for one of her pranks.

It was almost a relief when she noticed the bottle floating nearby. Picking it up, she noticed that there was a rolled up piece of paper contained within. How charmingly archaic, Pearl thought as she uncorked the bottle to get at the note. Despite knowing full well that it probably had an insulting message or exceptionally vulgar picture scribbled on it, she decided that it was probably for the best that she got it over with.

"You're dnady ex is at the beach." Pearl read. "Seriously, 'you're'? A little basic grammar wouldn't kill you, Amethyst." And what on earth was a dnady supposed to be? "Probably another spelling error." She thought. "Honestly, if she's only going to bother learning one language, she might as well use it properly. And how many words could there be that had all those letters? Why, the only word I can think of right now is 'dandy', but-." Her mental critique suddenly skidded to a halt. She quickly read the note again.

Dandy?

At the beach?

"Oh no."

* * *

"Well I'm stumped." Greg's brow furrowed in frustration. "I've tried washing it, sanding it, and I even brought out my old buffer."

Jenny Pizza was standing off to the side, trying to look like she didn't care about what Greg had to say, but casting uneasy glances at the side of the Cabriole 1985 he was working on. "So…you can't fix it."

"I'm not saying that." Greg clarified as he put his tools away. "The scratch is way too deep for me to smooth out. Look, you can even see the original paint-job now." He pointed to the streak of silver marring half a slice of pepperoni and a noticeable portion of cheese on the side of the vehicle.

"I used to think it had always been like this." Koffi said.

"Yeah, me too." Greg tried to laugh, perhaps soften the blow of what he'd have to say next. Though with how Jenny was looking up and down the street for what he assumed was her dad, he doubted it would help all that much. "I'm sorry, Jenny. Even if I did know the kind of paint Koffi used on the car, it would still take a while to make it look like nothing happened."

"Oh. That's a shame" Jenny tried to say nonchalantly, but it came out as a kind of half-mumble instead.

"I think you might have to tell your dad about this after all." Greg said.

"No she doesn't!" Steven piped in.

"Hey buddy!" Greg smiled at his son's sudden reappearance. "I was wondering where you ran off to."

"I just had to look around the van for a bit to find THIS!" Steven explained, holding up his spoils for Jenny and his dad to see.

"That's a pretty big sticker." Jenny observed. Then something exceptional about the adhesive label caught her eye. "Wait. Why does it say 'Fish Stew Pizza' on it?"

"Because I got it from you guys." Steven replied. "For every 4 Family-sized pizzas purchased, you receive a free complimentary jumbo sticker! Don't you remember?"

"Oh, I guess I must've been working in the back while that was going on." Jenny said.

Steven's brow furrowed in confusion. "For the entire month of 'Sticker-tember'?"

"Errr, I might've also been using up some sick days at the time." Jenny muttered. "Anyway, how's that supposed to help?"

The boy didn't answer, instead opting to peel the sticker from its contact paper. He then walked over to the car and placed the decal where the door had been damaged. It was a perfect fit. "There you go. Now your scratch mark is just additional advertising for your family's shop!"

Jenny brought a hand to her mouth, only pulling it away once she got the big goofy smile behind it down to a practiced smirk. "Nice one, Steven." She said coolly.

"And the best part is that your dad will never want to remove it!"

Greg nodded. "Taking stickers out is really messy after all. Leaves a lot of residue."

The teen's tightly fixed smile grew a little bigger. "Thanks." She took out her wallet from the back of her shorts. "Here." She handed Steven a crisp five dollar bill. "Use this to buy yourself a photo with the space guy."

"The Space Guy?" Steven asked.

"Yeah. Some loudmouth parked his spaceship down by the beach." Jenny casually said, as if this was a thing that happened every other day. "He's offering people a chance to get their picture taken with it for 5 bucks a selfie."

"How did I not notice that?! Does it actually work?!"

"A bunch of us asked him the same question. He decided to prove it by having it take off in front of everybody." She gave her jacket a little shake, causing a few dozen granules of earthen powder to fall from its crevices. "Kicked up a lot of sand."

"That's so cool!" Steven looked to his father, eyes alight with excitement. "Can I check it out, dad?! Please, please, please?!"

"Well I don't see why not." Greg gave his mullet a scratch as he tried to think of a reason. "Just don't go flying off in it, okay?"

"AWESOME!" Steven whooped as he made a mad dash towards the beach.

* * *

It was just as Jenny had said. There, snugly resting on the sandy slopes of Beach City, its front to the town and its back to the sea, was the coolest spaceship that Steven had ever seen and it only seemed to get more and more awesome the closer he got. The small crowd of people gathered near it did little to impede Steven's view of the domed window that lay atop the ship's middle that probably allowed for stupendous views of the stars as the shuttle traveled through outer space or the large orange outrigger bolted to the side that reminded Steven of an enormous version of those retro laser guns with its ballpoint tip and fancy fins. He could see that it would have dwarfed the one Pearl had made and almost gotten them killed in. But more than its size and the bright yellow paint job that seemed to glow in the late-morning sun, its most prominent feature was undoubtedly its towering crescent nose nestled between twin torpedo-shaped hulls.

It kind of made it look like a giant, metal banana boat.

This just made it seem doubly incredible to Steven, who was hoping the line to take pictures with it wasn't too long. The craft looked amazing from afar, but would probably be even more spectacular up close. Surprisingly, the crowd of onlookers were keeping their distance from the ship itself and were instead impatiently focused on something portly and of a similar shade of yellow that was a few yards away from it. As Steven slipped through his fellow townsfolk to get a closer look, he saw that it was a small robot about his height with two wheels instead of legs and long tube-like arms attached to its pod-shaped body. In place of a face was a small glass screen that displayed two beady black eyes creased in exasperation.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to take your picture or move along." It said in an autotuned voice that Steven couldn't help but find adorable. "There are other people waiting in the queue." Aggravated as it looked, the robot was at least trying to be civil. Which was more than could be said for the large, blonde, dreadlocked blogger who Steven was all too familiar with.

"What is your function, space robot?!" Ronaldo demanded.

"Again, it's QT. My name is QT." the robot said. "And I'm the ship's custodian. Satisfied?"

Ronaldo clearly wasn't. "What are your offensive capabilities?!"

There was a soft clanging of metal as QT tapped the side of his head in thought. "My…uh…sharp and sardonic artificial wit?" he offered, hoping this would be enough to get the heavyset weirdo to go bother someone else.

Steven winced a little as Ronaldo chose to continue interrogating the all ready agitated machine. "You could be programmed with the ability to lie…are you lying?!"

"Nah, I'm actually standing." QT's reply managed to get a small chuckle from the assembled onlookers. "See? Wit. Please go."

His polite pleas continued to fall on deaf ears. "Are you a cyborg? Do you actually have some tragically horrific biological components inside of you like guts and eyeballs?!"

"That's disgusting! No!"

"Do you steal them from people so you can feel more…" Ronaldo paused, thinking that it would give what he had to say next a greater sense of weight and severity. "…human?"

"I don't steal organs!" The stainless steel sausages QT had for fingers flexed in frustration; their owner suddenly finding Ronaldo's neck very interesting to look at. "And I don't think living beings have it all that great either." He added.

"Oh, so you have contempt for us organics then?" Ronaldo accused, thinking he had found the copper wire thread needed to unravel this whole synthetic conspiracy. "Is the robot revolution upon us? Are you a scout for the machine menace?"

At this, QT paused, and Steven thought he could see a hint of pain cross over his limited features. "I…I don't…I don't do that kind of stuff. It's not something I'd participate in."

Oblivious to the robot's discomfort, the excitable teen pressed on. "Ah, but do you subscribe to Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?"

QT's uneasy expression shifted into one of puzzlement. "Asimov's Three Laws?" Steven and the crowd murmured in wonder as the automaton's facial display transformed into a fast-paced video collage featuring hundreds if not thousands of images before two furious eyes returned to the forefront. "Where does a professor of BIOCHEMISTRY get off telling me what I can or can't do?!" QT yelled indignantly.

This was it! Ronaldo thought. He'd finally cornered the bionic infiltrator. "So you admit that there's nothing stopping you from going crazy and killing us all!"

"I'm certainly starting to warm up to the idea." QT answered coldly.

Steven thought that this might be the opportune moment to step in. Overbearing as he might be, Ronaldo was still a pretty good frycoock and him dying could have an adverse effect on Beach Citywalk Fries' bits production. "Hey Ronaldo! What are you doing over there?!" he cheerfully asked as if he had just arrived.

Ronaldo smiled at what he believed to be his reinforcements. "Steven! Check it out! I think this robot over here's the herald for a mechanical invasion from beyond our solar system. One that will stop at nothing to assimilate us into its eldritch fold."

"A mechanical invasion? You don't say."

"Uh huh." Ronaldo nodded. "Luckily we can still cut it off at the pass. Call on the Crystal Gems to smash this robo-creep before he can signal the armada." For someone so in love with the supernatural, Ronaldo was disturbingly focused on eradicating it.

"HEY!" QT chirped.

"Oh sure, Ronaldo. I'll get right on that." Steven gave QT a conspiratorial wink. "But are you sure this is all of them?

"He's the only one here." Ronaldo gasped. "Or maybe he's hiding his shock troop assassins in the ship!"

"Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I gotta say that I'm just a little bit disappointed in you." Steven gestured for Ronaldo to come close. As the self-styled robot fighter leaned in, Steven whispered, "Don't you think that this all seems a little too obvious? Awesome bright yellow spaceship? Adorable bright yellow robot?"

Ronaldo's face paled in horror. "You think it might be a distraction?!"

"That's exactly what I think, young Fryman. The real invaders might be watching us from the ocean." He pointed to the sea, eliciting a gasp Ronaldo. "Underground." He pointed to the beach; another gasp. "They might even be invisible or hiding among the crowd as replicant androids!" And that elicited the biggest gasp of all. "So before we go in guns, well not guns, more like fists, whips, and spears blazing, we need to know what we're up against. Think you could do that for me, Lochness Blogster?"

There was a yell of victory as Ronaldo broke away from Steven. "You can count on me, Universe!" he assured as he started to rummage through his backpack. "None of these tin soldiers can hide from…METAL MUTT DELUXE!" he cried, pulling out a metal detector that had two more sensor coils than Steven's own Metal Mutt, each with a constipated Rottweiler face painted on it. Ronaldo gave Steven a thumbs up before he started moving about the beach, scanning the ground and any people he passed by, simultaneously dreading and anticipating the triple-bark that signaled the presence of a mobile engine of devastation.

"Make sure to give me any spare quarters you find!" Steven yelled after him. Once Ronaldo was out of earshot, Steven turned to an appreciative-looking QT. "Sorry about that. Ronaldo can get a little gung-ho when it comes to the paranormal."

"Well whatever you want to call it, he was driving me nuts." QT offered one of his hands to Steven. "Thanks for helping me out. I was just seconds away from running him over with my tires."

Steven took the hand in his own and shook, the artificial appendage was warm and the grip gentle. "No problem. Hope the rest of your visit to Beach City is a little less intense."

QT gave a nervous chuckle. "I doubt it, but that's still nice of you to say." He said as he withdrew his arm. "I'm sorry that I can't bump you further up the line, but a lot of these people have been waiting awhile." He indicated towards those assembled behind Steven. "But you could always take some pictures with Dandy. He's over there by the Aloha-Oe counting our profits."

The boy turned to where QT was pointing to see a tall man in a light-grey and white jacket and dark blue jeans leafing through a wad of bills next to the spaceship. "Is he your captain?"

There was a significant delay between Steven asking this and QT responding to it. "I guess if you're feeling generous, you could call him that."

"Neat! See ya, QT." Steven gave a light wave to his new bionic acquaintance.

"Bye Steven. It was nice meeting you." QT returned the gesture, thankful that there was at least one courteous young man on this planet. There was however, this nagging sense of familiarity that he couldn't quite shake. Not with Steven himself, as he was rather sure he had never met the boy before, but his name, common as it was, stirred something in QT's worn databanks; Specifically, the impulse to grab Dandy (optional) and Meow (optional) and leave the system as quickly as possible. Money proved to be a wonderful anesthesia for such worries, and as he accepted another five dollars from a long-faced youth with spiky-white hair, the question of 'Where in the cosmos had he heard that name before?' ceased to be a concern.

Dandy was still flipping through his cash when Steven finally reached him, but the lad noticed that the stack of dollar notes wasn't very big and the man seemed to spend more time casting disapproving glares at his robotic crewmate than counting his money. This left Steven largely ignored, which was fine by him as it gave him a few moments to size up this audacious newcomer without feeling like a total creep for staring. Despite his leaning on the side of the ship, Steven could tell that Dandy was a rather tall fellow of about 30 or more years, lean in body and long in face, but with enough muscle on him that he avoided looking gangly. He was clothed in the jacket and jeans that Steven had spotted from afar, but while his attire wasn't particularly colorful, there were a few flourishes to it that nonetheless added a bit of flair to an otherwise subdued ensemble. Chief among them were his shoes. Most of it looked to be a run-of-the-mill brown leather boot with zippers on the side, but the outsole had either been shoved into or completely replaced by, well, Steven wanted to say big metal clogs that peaked into a steely, grinning mouth at the toe. These, combined with his shiny bracelet, jagged sideburns, golden triangle belt buckle, red shirt, stylized 'D' emblem on the left part of his jacket, and the outrageously trendy regent pompadour on his head reminded Steven of a nouveau-rockabilly. Never mind that he hadn't the foggiest idea what a nouveau-rockabilly was, he was just sure that the term fit this man like mittens and sweaters on kittens.

When it became apparent that Dandy wasn't about to stop scowling at QT anytime soon, Steven made a polite cough to get his attention with an "eh-hexcusme," thrown in for good measure. Naturally, Dandy's first reaction to being snapped out of his one-sided staring contest was to look left, then right, and most surprisingly, up, to locate the source of the disturbance. It took another "eh-hexcuseme," to finally get him to look down.

"Hi." Steven greeted with a smile on his face.

Dandy eyed the boy suspiciously. "Yo." He said, stuffing the cash into his jacket in case the sneaky child in front of him tried any funny business. "Can I help you with something?"

"I was hoping I could get a picture with you and your spaceship." Steven replied, pulling out a five dollar bill that was slightly more crumpled than when Jenny had given it to him.

Now it was Dandy's turn to smile. "Finally. Someone in this town with style and taste. Someone who can appreciate a real space stud of the stars instead of that banana peel-plated hunk of tin over there." Dandy thrust his finger in an oblivious QT's direction.

"QT? What's wrong with people liking him?"

Dandy crossed his arm over his chest and frowned. "What? Just because he's a robot? That's not that impressive. They're a dime-a-dozen if you know where to look. What's he got that I don't?"

Whoops of joy and excitement rang through the beach as QT began juggling Sour Cream and Buck into the air with his deceptively stringy arms.

"Can you do that?" Steven asked.

"Well the dude in the shades looks kind of hefty. Maybe if there was less gravity here and all things being equal…" Dandy trailed off. "…nah."

"There's no need to feel bad. I still think you look pretty cool." Steven assured.

This got him another grin from Dandy. "Do you now?" he asked, though his tone didn't make it seem like much of a question.

Steven nodded. "Yup. Especially your hair. That's a pretty impressive pomp."

"That it is. That it is." Dandy gave the side of his coveted, but seldom praised hairstyle a loving stroke. "And I think your shirt's pretty cool too."

"You do?"

"Sure." Dandy turned around, revealing that there was a bright yellow star, not unlike the one on Steven's rose-colored t-shirt, printed on the back of his jacket. "Like I said, you've got a sense of style."

Steven beamed at the compliment.

"Now." Dandy spun to face Steven again. "To business. Where would you like to immortalize the moment you met me and the Aloha-Oe here?" he asked, tapping the side of his ship.

"Hmm." Steven had to be careful about this. He only had five dollars on hand and if Ronaldo was as good at finding quarters as he was at finding non-Gem related paranormal activity, it was probably all the cash he'd get that day. "What are my options?"

"Well you could always take your picture with the mocha-skinned, ray gun-totting Mona Lisa over there." Dandy pointed to the upturned nose of the ship where a painted image of a scantily clad hula dancer with a silver, conical laser pistol alluringly seated next to teal letters that spelt out 'Aloha-Oe' could be seen. "Then there's the engine at the back." He thrust his thumb an immense black ball at the end of the vehicle that Steven hadn't noticed before due to it being cradled by a circular metal frame lined with four bullet-shaped thrusters. "The red glass rings around it light up hot pink when it's turned on. I could fire it up for a few minutes to give you a good shot of it."

"I'll keep that in mind." Steven said seriously.

"Straddling the Aloha Beam Cannon is a popular choice." Dandy gestured toward the orange outrigger.

"That's a gun?" Steven asked, simultaneously awed and nervous at this revelation.

"A BEAM gun and a pretty big one at that." Dandy proudly stated. "So you can sit on it, maybe get yourself a cowboy hat and pretend you're riding that hair-trigger howitzer all the way to Annihilationville, USA."

Even though Steven didn't own a cowboy hat, the offer did have its appeal. However, the word 'hair-trigger' and how the front of the Aloha Beam was pointed towards Beach City begged a very uncomfortable question. "What are the chances of it going off if I do?"

"Low."

Despite his lack of formal education, even Steven knew that 'low' was, by definition, not the same as 'none'.

The young Universe gulped. "What else you got?"

Dandy scratched the side of his head, bemused. "Man, you are picky. All I've got left to offer is the cockpit."

Steven's response to what Dandy considered to be the most mundane part of his otherwise exceptional ship was as quick as it was unexpectedly enthusiastic.

"It's got a giant pompadour!" Steven exclaimed gleefully.

"Whuh?"

"The pointy fin prow thing!" Steven put his hands to his forehead, fingers pointed forward. "It's like a big metal pomp for the cockpit."

Dumbfounded, Dandy took a step back to gaze at his vessel of many years with new eyes. From a certain point of view, the kid was absolutely right. It did kind of look like the Aloha-Oe was sporting a bladed coif of house-sized proportions. He couldn't have designed it better himself. Not that he intended to let the boy know that. "G-good eye, baby. Not a lot of people pick up on this little design flourish. Isn't that just the way? Make something large and obvious enough, and folks will ignore it. Now come on." He said as he began to walk towards the cockpit. "You've got five whole big ones just itching to buy you an out-of-this-world selfie. And as my wittiest customer of the day, I might even let you take another."

"REALLY?!" Steven squealed with glee. The chance to take a second photo opened up a whole host of new and hilarious possibilities. He could take one of himself and then he could call up Connie and the Gems to join him in the second. Maybe if one of them had a few extra dollars on hand, they could go dutch and have Dandy fly them around in his ship. Pearl would probably like that most of all. "Give me a sec, I wanna make sure we do this right."

"How so?"

"Since our clothes kind of match, it's only natural that we have matching-." Steven took a small plastic comb out of his pocket and swept it through his hair, causing a large portion of it to bunch up at the front like a long black loaf. "-haircuts!"

Dandy blinked. Then he laughed. It was rich, deep, and tinged with mischief; the kind of laugh that could stand on its own regardless if anyone else found the source of its amusement funny. "Well when you're right, you're right." Dandy conceded. "You know something? I just realized that I haven't formally introduced myself." He raised his right hand in a two-finger salute and flashed a dazzling smile. "The name's Dandy, but you can call me Space Dandy."

"Your first name's Space?"

"In the way that matters." Dandy grinned.

This non-answer, purposely designed to elicit intrigue and mystique, was usually met with the rolling of eyes and the diverting of heads whenever it was made. Such was not the case with Steven. "That's crazy! My last name is Universe!"

"No fooling? That's a pretty badass surname."

"Yup." Steven mimicked Dandy's introductory gesture with his left index and middle fingers. "The name's Universe, Ste-."

"WHOAH!" Dandy suddenly grabbed Steven by the shoulder and forced the both of them into a crouching position. "Hold that thought, Mr. Universe." Dandy's bombastic voice had shrunk into a loud whisper. "I just spied two fine looking ladies giving me the eye at 3'o clock. Wait, no. Don't look. I don't want to scare them off."

"Do you think they want their picture taken with the ship, too?" Steven whispered.

"Nah, I think they're trying to see if I'm bad with kids. That's a major dealbreaker for some. Especially single mothers."

"Are you bad with kids?"

The smile Dandy had plastered on his face to keep his voyeurs at ease sagged a little. "Let's just say that I'm working on it. Although…I think you can help me make it look like I'm great with them." Hesitance immediately arrested the Steven's features. No doubt the lad had reservations when it came to deceiving people. "I'll show you around the inside of the Aloha-Oe if you do."

And just like that, those reservations were called off and asked to reschedule on account of management being offered a guided tour of the most awesome spaceship it had ever seen. "What's the plan?"

"Well in my experience, ladies love a guy who can bring joy and whimsy to children." Dandy explained. "Except if he's a clown."

"You've all ready given me plenty of both of those things." Steven assured.

A warm, fuzzy feeling filled Dandy's gut as he heard those words. He wondered if he was suffering from indigestion. "True, but I'm gonna need you to blatantly express that so those two smokin' hot mamas can see I did. So here's what we're gonna do. I'm going to tell you a joke, then you'll laugh at it, and I'll handle the rest."

"Sounds good. Joke away, Dandy!" Steven quietly exclaimed, ready to produce some manufactured glee. However, despite his accomplice's agreement to it, Dandy himself seemed hesitant to enact his scheme. "Any time you're ready."

"Huh. Now that I'm on the spot, nothing comes to mind. Um…" Unbeknownst to Dandy, a lot came to mind. It was just that his last few vestiges of common decency were holding back an odorous tide of some of the vilest gags in the galaxy to spare Steven a repertoire straight from an unwritten jokebook whose phantom pages had long since stuck together.

"I could laugh anyway!" Steven offered eagerly.

"Nice." Dandy clapped his hands together in brief applause. "Let 'er rip, kid."

"Hahahahahahahaha!" Steven laughed, trying to make it as loud and genuine as he could.

"That should do it." Dandy managed to say through a smile that was becoming more sincere by the second. "Now it's my turn. Keep your eyes on me, Mr. Universe. You might just learn something." He playfully ruffled Steven's hair to complete the illusion before standing up to face his oglers.

As Steven worked to repair his improvised pompadour, he wondered which of Beach City's outstanding bachelorettes had found themselves enamored with Dandy. Nanafuna was a widow, wasn't she? Perhaps Jenny had come back after returning the family car to the shop. He hoped it wasn't Sadie or Connie's mom. That might make things awkward. With his hair finally fixed, he turned to get a glimpse of his new friend's admirers. His surprise at who they were was swiftly transformed into curiosity as he wondered how things would play out once Dandy reached them.

Though the Slammerhead had made itself scarce, Dandy was having a pretty good day. QT was making them a tidy sum with his robotic antics, he had met a child that wasn't completely irritating, and he had even managed to get Meow out of the way for a little peace of mind. And now, there were two 8-9/10s that were looking right at him and didn't show signs of stopping as he approached. At this rate, he might make it out of this town completely undiscovered.

They were a rather colorful duo. The one on the right was a tall, red-skinned woman garbed in a very flattering black and crimson leotard that puffed at the shoulders and accentuated her robust hips and thick legs. Her eyes were covered by a pair of peach-pink full shield sunglasses with jagged edges where the lenses dipped and her stoic face was framed by a thick, formidable square afro. Her companion couldn't have been any more different, but she had her own distinct charms. She was a little on the short side, barely a head taller than QT, possessing light purple skin and a long, shaggy mane of white hair that made his eyes take in the entirety of her curvaceous stocky build. Her clothing was less exotic than her friend's; black leggings with star-shaped cut outs at the knee, a pair of white boots, but the off-shoulder tunic with the exposed sports bra-clad shoulder was always a winning combination no matter how you sliced it.

"You know it's kind of rude to stare." He playfully chastised as he reached them. "As a visitor to your fair city, it's my sacred right to be the one taking a gander at everything, not the other way around." He brought a hand to his chest as if to comfort his wounded heart after this grievous breach of tourism taboo. "But I'd be more than willing to forgive you two Technicolor damsels if you'd show me around town. And in exchange, I'd be more than happy to give you a very, very personal tour of your local solar system in my personal spaceship." He snapped his fingers and pointed them at the dusky damsel in the shades. "How does that sound?"

She winced in response, then turned away to rub at the area beneath her glasses, mouth settling into a frown.

"Uh…you all right?" Dandy asked, wondering if he had put too much charisma in the gesture.

"You're…" the tall one began. "…hard to look at." She finished, refusing to face Dandy as she did so.

"Ouch." It hadn't been the first time Dandy had heard that said to him and to his chagrin, he knew it probably wouldn't be the last. "That hurts, baby." He might've wondered why she had been staring at him during his conversation with the kid if it hadn't been for a squeal of barely restrained excitement coming from his left. "Well at least someone's happy to see me." He said, lowering his head to lock gazes with the alarmingly enthusiastic eyes of the smiling, violet half of the lasses. "How about you, gorgeous? Taking me up on my offer just means you don't have to share me with anyone else late-."

His offer was brought to an abrupt halt by a very loud, very annoying, and very familiar voice. "DANDY!"

He hung his head as his body shuddered in frustration, trying to keep his anger at being interrupted from showing. "Meow." Dandy said through gritted teeth, unwilling to look at his feline crewmate lest he give in to the temptation to trounce him. "Can't you see that I'm a little busy here?"

"You should be busy running! Look at the short one's chest!" Meow ordered from a considerable distance.

"Shame on you, Meow. I'm far too much of a gentleman to do something like that." Though Dandy had to admit, he had spent a little too much time studying their hips to the detriment of admiring their upper torso regions. Nothing he couldn't fix with the raising of his head and the opening of one eye. "But if you insist." He conceded, not even bothering to keep his voice down. "I don't think one little peek could hurrrrrrAUGH!" the sight of the gem partially concealed by Amethyst's top caused Dandy to fall backwards in shock. The sand made for an excellent cushion though, so much so that he felt completely comfortable scurrying backwards on it; his frightened gaze never shaking from the two Crystal Gems, even as he got himself upright a few yards away from them. He finally managed to tear his eyes away to cast a furious glance at where Meow's voice had come from.

The Betelgeusian couldn't have been more than two meters from where Dandy had chosen to stand; pizza box in his paws and a shaky smile on his face. "I got the pizza."

Now Dandy knew that getting angry at Meow wasn't going to help matters, but it felt rather appropriate and it would distract him from thinking about how utterly screwed they all were. "What the heck, Meow?! Why didn't you tell me that these two were out of their temple?"

"Yeah!" he heard Amethyst yell. "And how did you get here after we did? We've been standing here for like half an hour!"

"I might've…stopped for donuts on the way here." Meow confessed.

"Meow…" Dandy seethed, recognizing that the space cat's tone implied that there was more to his incompetence than that.

"And there might've been a slight detour at this french fry place. Then there was that retro arcade I ducked into…" The pizza box was shaking now. "But that was all to get them off our trail."

"You told us where he was." Amethyst reminded.

"Seriously? And why didn't you just call me on your communicator so we could get the hell out of dodge?!" Dandy tapped the gold band on his left wrist for emphasis.

"Th-that's beside the point!" Meow said, his crocs inching little by little in the Aloha-Oe's direction.

"That is the absolute largest point right now, you walking mountain of dandruff!" Dandy yelled. "Because you couldn't keep your big mouth shut, I've fallen into this massive honey trap. She's probably on her way right now with spears and swords and god knows what else!"

"Why would she do that?" Amethyst asked, the mention of pointy weaponry making it quite clear who Dandy was talking about, if not her motivations for assaulting him with said implements.

His rage having muted his fear, Dandy moved to face what he thought to be one of the agents of his destruction. "You know exactly wh-wait." It was confusion's turn to take the wheel. "What did you say?"

"I said why would she do that?"

"You guys don't know?" Dandy asked, feeling very much like a lamb who didn't know whether to be relieved or wary when if found out that the wolf chasing it was actually something in a wolf costume. On one hand, it probably wasn't a wolf, but something deranged enough to dress and act like one might be just as deadly. "She never told you about me?"

Amethyst shook her head. Garnet was too busy rubbing her temples to reply, but Dandy was going to consider that a negative.

"Huh. I'm a little insulted that she didn't." Dandy muttered. "But it's not something you two should worry about." He let out a strained laugh that failed to elicit so much as a chortle from anyone else. "But out of curiosity, she didn't see me and my ship come in did she?"

"Nah."

Dandy let out a sight of relief. "Great."

"But I did tell her someone dandy was at the beach."

"WHAT?!" He cringed, but noticed that there was still a small glimmer of hope in this scenario, a hole in her statement that he might still be able to crawl through to safety. "That can't be right! She'd be here by now if you did!"

Amethyst crossed her arms over her chest as her face became the very picture of smug triumph. "It was a bit of a delayed message."

At that, something big, fast, and pink shot right past Dandy and slammed into Meow, causing it and him to tumble across the sand in a whirl of sand and fur. To the Betelgeusian's relief, when the tumult finally came to a halt, he found that he had managed to keep a hold on his pizza. To the immediate cessation of that relief, he soon realized that he was being pinned to the ground by what could only be described as a big, pink lion.

It snarled.

Meow screamed.

"AUGH!" Ronaldo yelled from somewhere. "The robot horde is attacking us with lions!"

"MEOW!" an alarmed autotuned voice yelled as QT speeded towards his fallen companion. "Don't worry. J-just stay still and I'll think of some way to-" The lion roared in the charging robot's direction, sending out a bright pink shockwave of sound and light that blew the automaton away. "Ahhhhh!"

"Sonuva-!" Dandy whipped something out from behind him. It resembled a white, red, and blue version of the ray gun the mascot of his ship wielded. He pointed the laser pistol at the beast, his finger on its trigger. "Get your paws off of the cat, cat! And keep those sonic jaws of yours shut! Because I'm pretty sure I charged this thing today!" he threatened, trying to sound confident.

Meow held no such reservations about how tree-climbingly terrified he actually was. "SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!"

"I don't think that's such a good idea." QT groggily warned, having gotten himself back on his wheels. "Given his usual level of accuracy, Dandy would probably end up killing you too."

"I DON'T CARE!" Meow wretched as a sliver of drool from the lion's open jaws fell into his shrieking mouth. "I'D RATHER GET VAPORIZED THAN EATEN!"

"Last chance, fuzzball!" Dandy cried, but the lion refused to budge and the gradual opening of its maw over Meow's hysterical face made its intentions unmistakable. "Fine," his finger tightened. "Have it your way, you cotton candied creep."

Dire as the situation was, Dandy took a moment to appreciate that this was one of the clearest shots he'd ever been presented with in his many years of spotty marksmanship. At this range and with a target that big, there was probably a 60% chance that Meow would come out of this completely unscathed. So it was only natural that as he was about to fire, the kid came between him and the lion.

"Stop!" Steven pleaded, raising his arms to his sides as if to act as even more of a human shield to the enormous carnivore behind him. "Don't shoot!"

"What the-? Universe?! Get out of the way! I'm about to teach this yarn-chasing nimrod a lesson about bullying smaller and dumber members of his kind!"

Meow howled in despair. "IF THERE'S ANYONE LISTENING UP THERE, PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE WHILE EVERYONE STILL THINKS I'M A CAT!"

"Try to calm down, Mr. Space Cat!" Steven recommended. "He really hates it when his meals scream at him!"

The Betelgeusian's reaction to being called a meal was as predictable as it was cacophonic.

"How do you even know that?" Dandy asked as he wondered if he could shoot over Steven's head somehow.

"That's because he's kind of my lion?" Steven reluctantly admitted. "So believe me when I say that I'm sure this is all a huge misunderstanding. And if you could put down your pointy space gun, that might make things better."

"Kind of? Might?! Kid, I don't know what you're trying to pull, but you can either get your 'pet' off of Meow or get out of the way. Because nothing, except maybe my arms getting tired, is going to make me lower this blaster!"

Suddenly, Dandy felt something fly past the back of his head, followed by the hair there being tugged sideways and his ears popping from the sharp crack of the sound barrier being broken. Then there was another sonic boom, this one to the left of him, and carried with it a lesser clamor that he immediately recognized: the din of something colliding with the Aloha-Oe.

"Awwwwwwww yes!" Amethyst exclaimed. "IT'S HAPPENING!"

When Dandy looked to his ship to see what had occurred, he wasn't sure what 'it' was supposed to be apart from that it was 'happening'. Was 'it' the Aloha-Oe being lifted off of the ground by the force of the phantom blow? Perhaps 'it' was how the attack caused the ship to tilt so much that it ended up balancing on the pointed posterior that was its engine. Or maybe 'it' was how, to the horror of its crew, the Aloha-Oe fell backwards onto the sand, leaving the craft upside-down and its immense horned bow buried in the surf.

The object that fell spinning from the sky and imbedded itself into the ground in front of him was a major clue. The ivory shaft caught his attention first, but the ornate turquoise end of it that fed into the ground was what ultimately made him realize what 'it' was.

He looked back where the spear had been thrown to see 'it' leap over her companions. His blaster hung lamely at his side as 'it' skidded to a halt in front of him and spun. There was little he could do when 'It' lashed out with a deceptively lithe leg whose foot stopped just inches from his throat in the middle of the roundhouse kick. 'It' was also very, very unhappy to see him.

Dandy gulped, his Adam's Apple lightly grazing the sole of a ballet slipper.

"Hey Pearl."

* * *

" _Let go of it, dummy!" Amethyst yelled._

" _Pearl! Get out of there! Let go!" Garnet demanded._

" _No! I've found its weak spot! I can do this! I can take it down!" Was what she had said._

_She should have listened to them._

_If she had, then she wouldn't have been dragged into the sky amidst a living storm of scrap metal and compost. There was little she remembered from that point onward apart from how its roars died as they escaped the atmosphere and how her attempts to drive her spear deeper into its back turned into a desperate effort to hold onto the weapon for dear life. There was a tremendous pink flash, followed by one last devastating buffet of force that completely drained her of strength. Her body broke under the assault and her last thoughts before slipping into the darkness were of the Temple and the hope that her gem would survive the fall back to Earth. The others would give her such a talking to if she made it home._

_She almost dreaded coming out of stasis, even though it was a clear indication that she hadn't been ground into gem dust from the impact of her landing. Because now it was time to plan for the long trek home. Or the long voyage home. Or maybe she could stow away on a transport flight of some kind. Regardless, the chore ahead needed to be done, however unpleasant its finish. She was alive. She could move. And most importantly, she could think. There was no excuse for her not to make her way back to Beach City. Upon opening her eyes to take in her surroundings, she realized that, once again, she was wrong. For there was a very sizable excuse as to why she couldn't just walk or sail back to the Temple._

_Looking up had been her first instinct as she could perhaps use the position of the sun or stars to help determine where she was. There was an abundance of both beyond the domed window above her, but all of them told her the same thing. She couldn't possibly be on Earth anymore. And though she knew that the prospect should have distressed and horrified her, she couldn't bring herself to really care. All that she could feel at the moment was awe._

_How long had it been since she had seen the titanic and sublime body of a nebula with her naked eye? When was the last time the colors of the stars were anything other than a dull white or blue? Human poets and philosophers bemoaned the blackness of night and the empty void above, but being trapped on Earth robbed them of the ability to see how gorgeous and full they were. Space had layers and tones, shape and scale. The reds, blues, greens, and purples of the infinite horizon, cast from the reflections of countless celestial embers bouncing off one another and massive clouds of elemental matter. A cluster of blazing heavenly bodies, some gold, some orange, some blue, all beautiful, lay before her and she could, for the first time in years, easily tell which ones were closer and which ones were farther from her._

_If she felt so inclined, she could study their placement and hash out a vague idea of where in the galaxy the Shatterlite had taken her. But that part of Pearl was silent. Logic and propriety sat alongside wonder and melancholy as they took in this familiar sight and drank in the almost forgotten feeling of being liberated by the largeness of the universe instead of trapped by it. Peaceful. That was it. Far from a land of decay and conflict, distant from those she bickered with and loved, she felt peaceful. Had it really been so long since she experienced such absolute tranquility? Would she need to strand herself on a destitute world for centuries, for millennia until she escaped so she could feel like this again?_

_Then she noticed the palm tree._

_Then came the string._

_Had she been paying attention, she might've avoided it, but she was far too bewildered by how a tree from the world she had been wrested from had apparently chased her here. It snapped around her in an instant. Thin, but surprisingly strong, as it resisted her instinctive attempts to break out of it. Her legs bound together and her arms tied to her chest, there was nothing she could do as her struggles sent her tumbling to the ground._

_In a single dizzying instant, the gentle, ethereal stars in her vision were replaced with a hard, metal floor._

" _Oh yeah! Two for two, QT!"_

**To be continued…**


	2. You Can't Keep a "Good" Dandy Down, Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, a strange reunion occurs and doesn't end well for anyone.
> 
> Eight years in the past, Pearl steals a spaceship.

“ _Next.” Pine-Pine announced over Dandy’s pompadour. Not exactly a difficult feat as even while sitting, her great height made her tower over the alien hunter. There was a sense of definitiveness in her tone. It all but said that she would broker no further argument and that her word on the matter was final. But Dandy had more than enough words for the both of them._

“ _C’mon baby. Run it through one more time. I’m sure it’s just a glitch in the system.” Dandy pleaded._

_One of the ears atop Pine-Pine’s head twitched, sending a small ripple of movement across her emerald tresses. Though largely silent, this motion would’ve spoken volumes to those closest to her. It meant that she was either keenly interested, in which case her friends would get out of her way so they wouldn’t get between her and the object of her amorous fascination, or immensely annoyed, in which case her friends would also get out of her way, but with significantly more haste. So while anger hadn’t taken over her senses just yet, she did wonder if the threat of being bored to death was suitable justification for violent self-defense. “We’ve been over this three times, Dandy. And I’ve all ready told you that there’s nothing there.”_

“ _Are you serious?! Look, I know she’s pretty scrawny, but there’s definitely an alien in that canister. She’s gotta be worth something!” Dandy claimed as he gestured toward the scanner._

“ _LET ME OUT OF HERE!” something demanded from the wildly bucking containment tube, the alleged alien having finally managed to get her gag off after half-an-hour of muffled hysterics. Pine-Pine thought that it had way too snooty and demanding a voice for someone who had been captured by one of the most inept alien hunters she had ever met._

_Regaining her ability to yell seemed to embolden the captive creature, as her slamming against her transparent confines only intensified. This caused the canister to violently jerk from side to side, making it knock against the walls of the robust, but paradoxically fragile, metal archway it was placed in. “If it damages any ARC equipment, you’re going to have to pay for the necessary repairs.”_

_Normally that statement would cause Dandy to panic and fall in line. The Alien Registration Center was where he received cash, not where he gave it away. Such an occurrence would be an affront to nature on par with fountains draining water out of the thirsty that used them or athletes competing to see who could lose the most medals. Or at least, that’s how Dandy saw it. On this occasion, the statement caused him to smile as if Pine-Pine had given him a helpful piece of advice instead of a veiled threat. “That’s it! She’s been moving around so much that you probably haven’t been able to get a good fix on her, right?” Not waiting for her response, he dashed to his captive and used his arms to try and hold the tube in place._

_This seemed to work as both the container and the alien stopped moving._

“ _YOU!” the alien spat. Then it continued to slam itself against the glass, this time in Dandy’s direction._

“ _How about now?!” Dandy asked as he braced himself against the clumsy impacts._

_Pine-Pine decided it would be best to show Dandy the results. Just telling them to him clearly wasn’t working. She snapped an image of them with her tablet and then reached over the counter to give him a good view of the screen. “See?” she tapped on the image of the x-ray._

“ _I see bones!” Dandy said, narrowly pulling back just in time to avoid another hit._

“ _Those are yours.”_

“ _Damn it!” he cursed._

“ _Where did you even find this thing, Dandy?” Pine-Pine asked, figuring that he owed her that much for all the time he had wasted._

“ _Found a rock floating in space. When I brought it on board, this popped out.”_

“ _I AM NOT A THIS!” his would-be bounty yelled._

_Technically she was, Pine-Pine mused. “You said it came out of a rock, and that’s all I’m getting on my scanner: a rock.”_

“ _Then how is she kicking against the glass and swearing at me right now?!” Dandy asked, simultaneously acknowledging and ignoring the fact that the rock was now free of its leg bindings._

“ _My guess is that its body is just some kind of elaborate hard light construct coming from the rock.” Pine-Pine inferred. “Kind of like a hologram.”_

“ _Really?” Dandy certainly hadn’t been expecting that. “Think there’s a switch to make her less shrill?”_

_There was the sound of breaking glass followed by Dandy’s high-pitched squeal of surprise and the man himself being pulled inside the broken containment unit. Somewhere between Dandy’s questioning and Pine-Pine’s theorizing, the rock had managed to get its arms free. Now it was making good use of them as it tried to pummel Dandy within the cramped confines of the tube. However, everyone watching the cylinder jerk back and forth in the struggle silently and unknowingly agreed that the alien really should have exited the tube to get at Dandy instead of pulling him inside._

“ _OW! I thought you were made out of light! Why do your punches hurt so much?!”_

“ _The answer is beyond your meager ability to understand, you scruffy, irreverent rube!”_

“ _Rube?! I’ll show you a rube-YOWCH! That was like kicking the inevitable object.”_

“ _It’s the ‘IMMOVABLE’ object you-OW!”_

“ _Haha! LOOKS like your eyes are as vulnerable as anyone else’s!”_

“ _I’ll destroy you for that atrocious pun you-hey-LET GO OF MY ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-LET GO OF MY HAIR!”_

_A murmur of discontent was spreading among the hunters in Pine-Pine’s queu. She sighed; this was starting to get humiliating for everyone. Worse, it was holding up the line and there were a lot of promising entrants in front of her patiently waiting their turn. No more than eight feet away was a Corvonian scavenger with what might’ve been a new subspecies of Yingot. Or perhaps it was just a Yangot infected with the clap. Either way, it looked to be a more interesting, not to mention more profitable, use of her time than watching Dandy tussle with his latest and lamest lemon._

“ _Well I’ll give you two lovebirds some privacy.” Over the screams and awkward blows, neither ‘lovebird’ could hear her slam the big blue button on her right. They only really sensed something was amiss when the bottom of the scanner opened up from under them, and not even that was enough to prevent Dandy from getting a few cheap blows in. “Have a nice day.” Pine-Pine smiled as the pair fell through the trapdoor, blasted through a series of uncomfortable metallic tunnels, before ultimately being spat out of the Alien Registration Center and into the frigid arms of outer space._

“ _Next.”_

* * *

While you wouldn’t be at fault for assuming such, Dandy wasn’t a complete idiot. He did and said idiotic things on a distressingly frequent basis, but not all the time. And while alarmists from all corners of civilized space cried foul at dropping IQs and attention spans, there was an unspoken agreement among the intergalactic intelligentsia that morons, as in total morons, didn’t actually exist and would probably never exist again if they had. Ignorance could be bliss, but stupid doesn’t live very long.

Unbeknownst to Dandy, people assuming that he was a complete idiot had worked in his favor for many years. For if they took him as seriously as he wanted them to, it was doubtful that he’d ever nab any aliens at all. All they saw was an obnoxious, egotistical imbecile - which he was - and discounted him as a threat. The assumption, however valid, did nothing to prepare them for the shock and humiliation they experienced when he used mental faculties they believed he didn’t possess to outmaneuver, or worse, outsmart them. Having brought a foot to his throat after flipping the Aloha-Oe over with her spear - thereby robbing him of his only means of escape - it was clear that Pearl wasn’t taking any chances with Dandy.

Conversely, chances were all that he had at the moment. They had been locked in this position for a full minute after he had cautiously greeted her and despite being the one standing on one leg, she showed no signs of tiring. He feared that if he made any sudden movements, she’d decapitate him with a second roundhouse kick, bring out another spear to run him through, or simply crush his windpipe with the bottom of her foot as one would stomp on a slow, juicy bug. That last one worried Dandy the most; there were all kinds of horrible and humiliating ways you could die in the universe, but being stepped on was still really low on the list.

It was clear that Pearl had the advantage here, as he knew she would if this encounter ever happened. The silence threw him off though. He thought there’d be a lot of yelling or him getting punched over the horizon. Neither had happened, at least not yet, and Dandy would’ve been fine with that if it wasn’t for the look on Pearl’s face. Those who believed cold fury was a contradiction or an emotion exclusive to aggravated polar bears need only look at how her stern, frosty countenance could barely conceal a monumental rage that would explode if exposed to the naked air. Silence, he knew, wasn’t going to diffuse or diminish that anger, so Dandy needed a way to break the tundra-sized ice between them without making Pearl break his neck in turn. To put it and all of the above simply, a lot of thought went into what he said next.

"So…new tights?" Dandy asked, managing to tear his eyes away from her cold, blue eyes to stare down her leg.

The response, like her gaze, was terribly frigid and quietly hateful. “Is that all you have to say to me?”

"New…socks?" Dandy offered, taking note of how her once lime-green leggings had been replaced by pink ones.

In his defense, it was really hard to concentrate when Meow wouldn’t stop screaming.

"WHY HASN’T ANYONE GOTTEN THIS THING OFF OF ME YET?!"

Based on the flash of annoyance that briefly flickered over Pearl’s steely expression, it appeared that she was beginning to find this distracting as well.

"So what’s with the cat?" she asked in a manner that implied that she didn’t really care about the answer, but still expected a valid response.

"I’m not a ca-." there came a curt, loud growl from above him. "-ha-HA-HAAAA-unless you want me to be! Solidarity, am I right? RIGHT?!"

Thankful to have her attention, if not her foot, focused elsewhere, Dandy saw no harm in telling her all there was to know about his soon-to-be lion chow companion. “Meow’s a Betelgeusian and he’s been travelling with me and QT for a few months. Thought he was a rare alien at first until I got a closer look at him.” Wanting to stretch this depressingly short story a bit further, he added. “He’s our…uh…I’m not really sure what he does. He’s useful sometimes, so we let him stick around. I just wish we could do something about the smell, y’know?”

"Mistaking him for a rare alien?" Pearl laughed cruelly. "How unfortunate. But I’m sure you’ll find some way to get rid of him eventually, Dandy."

Dandy stiffened, realizing too late that he could’ve worded that anecdote a bit better. Ah well, he thought. He might as well try to roll with the punches. “Maybe. I mean, that lion you sicced on him sure helps.”

"He was supposed to go after you."

"Ah." Dandy couldn’t even bring himself to feign surprise at that.

"Yes, ah." Pearl said, the reiteration dripping with condescension. "Now what are you doing here?"

Given the chance to do things over, Dandy would’ve gladly traded places with Meow. Surviving a lion attack made for some stellar bragging rights and if you were killed by one, at least you’d get a pretty cool obituary out of the deal; and unlike his chatterbox of a mouser that it was looming over, that particular pink queen of the jungle seemed incapable of speech. Meaning Pearl’s passive-aggressive barbs, of which he suspected there was much more to come, were probably beyond its ability to make.

"Hunting aliens." Dandy stated with forced cheer. "What else?"

"Well." She ruefully chuckled. "You can go hunt aliens somewhere else. Like another planet, or a sun, or a black hole. So take QT-."

"Hi Pearl." QT chimed in.

"Hello, QT." Pearl greeted back. "So take QT, your cat, and your ship, and leave. Now."

Dandy was all too prepared to take this offer to leave with his limbs and most of his dignity intact. Then he looked back at the Aloha-Oe. Then back at Pearl. Then back to the Aloha-Oe. And then back to Pearl again. “I can’t.” he said. “You totaled my ship.”

Pearl’s eyes, which had been narrowed into a subdued scowl, widened. Finally breaking eye contact with Dandy to spare a glance at his vessel, she appeared shocked. Almost as if she was just noticing how much damage her ambush had caused. “It’s not nearly as bad as all that.”

"You flipped it upside down."

"I only did that so you’d take me seriously." she said, failing miserably to reign in her flustered features into what they were when she had simply been angry.

"So you were trying to intimidate me into leaving?" Pearl nodded at Dandy’s very informed guess. "By making it impossible for me to leave?"

"It’s turned over, not scuttled!" she said, exasperated. "At worst, it’s a mild inconvenience. All you need to do is flip it back to the way it was."

"Does that mean you’re going to put the foot down and help me do that?"

"No, I am not going to help you!" she snapped. "That would defeat the entire purpose of what I just did!"

"All right, all right. Don’t bite my head off." Dandy brought his hands up in a pacifying motion, an effect that was partially ruined by him still holding his ray gun with one of them. Realizing his faux-pas, due in no small part to Pearl’s alarmed and then irate reaction to it, Dandy quickly holstered his weapon with a timid smile before shouting behind him. "Hey QT! Use those teen-juggling arms of yours to get the Aloha-Oe right-side up again, would ya?"

QT was less than thrilled at the prospect. “That’s nuts! There’s no way I can lift it by myself!”

Dandy pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand, silently reminding himself to never think he was having a good day until it was truly done. Honestly, did he have to do everything around here? “Universe?”

Prior to this, Steven’s attentions had been torn between Dandy and Pearl’s tense, but increasingly farcical exchange and Meow’s endless screaming. So it took him a few seconds to register that Dandy was calling out to him over the Betelgeusian’s begging. “Yes?”

"Would you mind getting your lion off of Meow so he can help QT?" Dandy asked.

"Sure. But I have to warn you, even though he’s kind of mine, he doesn’t really listen to me that often." Steven confessed. "Actually, he only really comes around the Temple whenever he’s tired or hungry."

"Well he’s definitely your cat then." Dandy confirmed, rolling his wrist in Steven’s direction. "And you don’t need to make him listen to you. Just give him something he likes and he’ll buzz off to play with that instead." He paused, suddenly thoughtful. "What do lions enjoy anyway? Besides she-lions, I mean?"

Pearl groaned. “The proper term for them is lionesses.”

Dandy either ignored her or was too caught up in this inane quandary to hear. “Yarn? Laser Pointers? Do they make any King of the Jungle-sized cat wands?”

"He likes food." Steven offered.

Meow screamed.

"No, no, not like that." Steven said, trying to calm Meow down. Lion’s mouth had closed and his roaring had quieted down to a low growl that would suddenly get louder without warning. No one knew that the big cat carefully planned these moments as it found the smaller creature’s panicked reactions to the bursts of volume rather amusing. "Well it’s kind of like that. But not just in a predator-prey hunting way. He also likes cooked food too. Maybe you could give him that pizza."

Meow looked down at the box he had been tightly holding to his chest like a greasy, cardboard security blanket. “But I’m only halfway done with this one.” He meekly protested, his voice surprisingly clear after several minutes of nonstop blubbering.

At his utterance of ‘this one’, another growl tinged the air; this one coming from Dandy. “Forget it. Just tell your lion to eat them both, Universe.”

Pearl’s admonishment of “Don’t tell him what to do,” was drowned out by Meow unleashing one final desperate scream as he shoved the pizza box at Lion’s face. To his horror, he had underestimated his reach and had bonked the pink snout above him with the flat of the container. This elicited a surprised roar from the beast.

As the alien let out an emphatic whimper in turn, Lion took a sniff of the box’s contents while wrinkling the feeling back into his nose. Finding the scent passable, it gently bit down on its source and lifted it out of Meow’s trembling, but feeble grip. Lion sauntered off as cats of any size are wont to do, kicking some sand onto his former source of amusement as he walked towards Steven.

"Y-yeah." Meow coughed, getting himself back onto his hind legs. "Y-you better walk away," he said quietly.

"Hmph." Pearl was less than impressed. "Now that you’ve stopped cowering, you might as well go help QT."

Meow frowned, the removal of fanged and painful death from his proximity having restored some of his nerve. “Who died and put you in charge?”

It bears repeating that Pearl was still threatening his current ‘boss’ with a leg that could shatter granite “Really not the best question to be asking right now.” Dandy said.

Amethyst, doing her best to keep a straight faced, nodded. “You really should do what she says. No telling when Lion’ll get hungry again.”

The Betelgeusian tensed and chanced a brief look at his former tormenter. Lion caught his eye and with his mouth still around the offered junk food, flashed Meow a huge, toothy smile. “Fine.” Meow stomped off to meet up with his robotic crewmate at their half-buried vehicle, coveting the protection several inches of hybrid alloys and a few lightyears would hopefully provide against big, pie-stealing bullies.

Satisfied that the grumbling cat was on his way to somehow get the Aloha-Oe up and running, Pearl’s attentions shifted to her young charge. “Steven, take Lion and go back to the Temple. The rest of us will catch up to you later.”

"Steven?" Dandy echoed quietly. "Wait, so he’s-?"

His question was swiftly halted by the sole of Pearl’s foot pressing against his throat. He was reminded of a dagger touching, but not breaking skin. “-nothing you should be concerned about.” Pearl finished for him.

"Hey," Steven tried to say. "You don’t have to hurt him."

"Well I most certainly want to!" Pearl barked.

Steven winced. “But why?” he asked, genuinely confused at how a day filled with stickers, spaceships, and selfies could take such an angry and hateful turn.

Pearl’s face softened as she saw how despondent Steven’s looked. “I’ll explain everything later, Steven.” Seeing that he was still staring at where her foot was pressing against Dandy’s neck, she bent her knee a tad so that her slipper was no longer touching his flesh. Both Steven and Dandy let out sighs of relief. “Right now, I’d feel a lot more relaxed if you were back home, safe, and far from here.” She said, punctuating that last detail with a pointed glower at Dandy.

"Go ahead, Steven. We’ll be fine." Dandy encouraged, immediately understanding that ‘more relaxed’ also meant ‘less murderous’.

Reluctantly, Steven climbed onto Lion’s back, careful not to jostle the pizza box out of his fuzzy friend’s jaws. He decided to take one last look at the scene surrounding him. The Aloha-Oe overturned with its prow, which had once pointed upward to the stars it traversed, now buried in the sand and pelted with waves. Meow was doing some light stretches in between looking at his phone with interest and looking at the ocean with distrust. If his confrontation with Lion had been indicative of his strength, then the ship wasn’t going to be moving anytime soon. QT was also doing stretches, more out of a desire to delay this embarrassing and impossible task as long as he could than to avoid having his nonexistent muscles cramp. Pearl and Dandy were taking a break from their mutually uncomfortable and uneven deadlock to watch him leave. Amethyst was clearly on the cusp of dumping all pretense of seriousness and just laughing as hard as she felt like at the situation. In contrast to her fixation on the conflict, Garnet was looking away from it, unable or unwilling to watch it unfold. The rest of the beach was empty, everyone having fled after the spears and insults started flying. “Bye guys.” Steven said to the Gems. “Bye Dandy.”

"Catch you later, Steven." Dandy replied, flashing the best smile he could under the circumstances. In spite of how dour things looked and were, Steven found himself smiling back. Then he gave Lion a soft pat on the side of his mane and soon the two of them were racing towards the temple. Dandy whistled. Lion riding was pretty hardcore after all.

"Catch you later?" Pearl repeated incredulously.

"Aw come on, baby. You know I meant nothing by it. Considering…" he tapped his forehead for emphasis.

"Right…right. That’s right." Pearl said. She took a moment to clear her throat of nothing at all. "Now, the second that your crew-."

“ **HNNNNNNNNNNNG!”**  came a catlike and synthesized heave from the Aloha-Oe.

Pearl tried again. “The second that your cre-.”

“ **HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!”**

"The second that-!"

“ **HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!”**

That did it. Amethyst could take it no longer. This was just too much. No more holding back. “AHAHAHAHAHAHA!” she laughed, pointing at Meow and QT’s futile attempt to move the ship. “It’s funny because there’s no way they can possibly do that!” she explained, bursting into another fit of laughter.

"AMETHYST!" Pearl yelled.

"Whuh?"

Pearl jerked her head in the direction of the struggling alien hunters. “Help those two get that ship back on its landing gear!”

"But it’s your fault that it’s like that in the first place!" Amethyst protested.

"Just do it!" Pearl ordered.

Normally, Amethyst wouldn’t let Pearl get away with blatantly ordering her around without a snarky comment or a retaliatory act of severe insubordination. But for many reasons, she found herself compelled to obey, however grudgingly. The prank had run its course. There had been some mayhem, some drama, lots of laughter-mostly from her-at those two things, but the bedlam didn’t seem like it would escalate further so she saw no point at letting it drag on. That was a surefire way to kill any joke. Plus, and this was a big plus, Pearl had this furious look in her eyes that basically said that if the object of her ire wasn’t off of the planet in the next ten minutes, she’d probably kick Amethyst into the next county to blow off some steam.

"Should have known you’d find a way to ruin this, too." Amethyst grumbled as she passed Pearl.

"Garnet." Pearl called out in a gentler tone. "If you don’t feel like you’re up for it, you don’t have to-."

"I can lift it." Garnet said. "I just have a bit of a headache. That’s all." She followed Amethyst, giving Dandy a wide berth as she went by him.

At this juncture, any sane person in Dandy’s situation would keep their mouths shut and try to bide their time until the vehicle of their escape was up and running. No need to engage and possibly provoke the sentient rock lady who might decide to change her mind and snap their neck after all. All they’d need to do was remain perfectly silent and inoffensive. Regrettably, that just wasn’t the Dandy Way.

"Migraines aside, with Garnet on the job, I think the Aloha-Oe will be back on its feet or wheels or pads or whatever in no time." Dandy exclaimed.

"Yup." Pearl said noncommittally. There was the urge to tap her foot to whittle away the minutes, but doing that with her left could cause her to lose balance and doing that with her right would just make her toes lightly tap the side of Dandy’s neck. She settled for crossing her arms over her chest, not wanting to embarrass herself any further.

"That said, wanna know what I’m hunting this time?" Dandy asked eagerly.

The question almost caused Pearl to stumble back in shock. Did he not understand that she was going to send him packing the moment his ship was operational? How had he maintained the impression that he was welcome here and that she was going to let him stay and turn her home inside out with his blundering? Was nearly taking his head off with her spear and sending Lion to eat him too subtle?!

"I don’t think that would really matter at this point." She tried to say, but Dandy wasn’t having it.

"It’s a real doozy, possibly one of the most dangerous things I’ve ever gone after." Dandy boasted. "Even its name strikes fear and sizable apprehension in the hearts of all who hear it."

He didn’t tell her the name right away, most likely fishing for her to ask what it was. She considered staying silent, but he always took that as an invitation to keep talking. She could tell him that she wasn’t interested, but then he’d take that as a challenge to embellish what he had to say to make it so. There really was no way to shut Dandy up when he was on a roll. Except kill him. Yeah, she really should just kill him now.

"It’s called a Slammerhead." He finished.

If doing so wasn’t beneath her, Pearl would’ve snorted. “You made that up.”

"Feh, you wish. This ain’t no snipe hunt, baby. We’re chasing down one of the most elusive and nastiest barracudas of the stars." Dandy scoffed, pointing a finger up the heavens. He then went into brisk and spotty detail about his quarry to the initially disinterested Pearl, who was becoming increasingly alarmed that the alien he was describing matched the one she and the other Gems had encountered the previous night.

As Dandy has a tendency to skip vital pieces of information and exaggerate others, it may be prudent to briefly explain the nature of Slammerheads to the extent that space zoologists understand them. Slammerheads are large, bipedal, winged creatures that fly through space alone or in small packs. Their most prominent features, as you might have guessed, are their immense, rectangular craniums used for smashing into prey, people, asteroids, spaceships, robots, restaurants, malls, pets, furniture, fine art, malls with restaurants, restaurants with malls, and foreplay. While you wouldn’t want to encounter one in open space, a Slammerhead is at its most dangerous when it is entering a planet’s atmosphere. Or to be precise, when it is falling through a planet’s atmosphere. Animal sympathizers may be pleased to know that because of its incredibly dense and heat-resistant body, the Slammerhead will come out of this eventuality none the worse for wear. Whatever it crashes into, and everything in a three mile radius, will not.

Minerals found around these impact sites suggested that Slammerheads did this to create Lonsdaleite-a crystal they used for attracting mates-by lodging a large quantity of Graphite in their faces and then slamming into the surface of a planet headfirst. These findings caused many to regard Slammerheads as little more than wild, stupid animals; easily avoided with a good ship and easily exterminated with a high-quality laser cannon. But as the decades rolled on, those that still bothered to study these creatures began to notice that their actions weren’t all that dumb in spite of how savage they seemed to be. Specifically, they had a tendency to aim for small habitations on any world they crashed on, those that didn’t benefit from land-based anti-air weaponry or lay in a planetary defense system’s blindspot. These towns didn’t have many survivors, corpses, or objects of monetary value left by the time a Slammerhead flew back into space. It wasn’t until a Slammerhead tried to get a table at Restaurant le Meteorice without a reservation, bit a waiter’s head off, and then escaped with his wallet, that the galactic public realized that these acts of orbital bombardment-flavored violence weren’t just brutal, but calculated. This caused a renewed interest in the species among the scientific community, who eventually passed the buck to the alien hunter set because getting up close and personal with something that was both vicious and intelligent isn’t a very smart thing to do.

Slammerhead’s aren’t all that rare. However, due to their disturbingly high levels of aggression and sporadic moments of cunning, it is rather difficult to capture one alive for study. To sweeten the deal, some scientists may pay up to half-a-million wulongs in grant (and from the truly desperate, trust fund) money for a live specimen vis-à-vis the Alien Registration Center. Alien hunters became a lot more careful with Slammerheads from then on, though this delicacy was not reciprocated in the slightest. To capture one of these sinister, slippery monsters, it was clear that you’d need a man of formidable courage, might, and intelligence to get the job done. Ostensibly, this is where Dandy came in.

The moment he mentioned how much a live Slammerhead was worth, Pearl said with much satisfaction. “That was all very fascinating, Dandy. But I’m afraid you’re out of luck. It’s all ready been handled.”

This brought Dandy’s assortment of charades and animal noises to a merciful halt. “What? When?!”

"Last night." Pearl beamed. "Its attempt to, as you put it, ‘face slam and mutilate big time’ was thwarted by a group effort among the Crystal Gems as masterfully planned by yours truly." She explained, a flourish of her fingers accentuating the last of her words.

Instead of the howls of disappointment or panic she had expected of him, Dandy remained quiet as he processed her words. “Where’s the body?”

"Probably at the bottom of the ocean somewhere." She said dismissively, making a show of checking her nails to stress how little she cared about him losing his prize.

She was shaken out of her display by a loud whoop from Dandy. “SCORE!” he cheered, pumping his fist into the air.

"How does that qualify as a score?!" Pear demanded. No doubt because he didn’t have to do anything that required actual effort today sans departing.

"Weren’t you listening, Pearl?" Dandy wagged a chastising finger at her in a way that made Pearl want to cut it off. "Slammerheads get really buoyant when they die. Something about gases and their twelve bladders turning them into cadaver balloons."

"You never mentioned that."

"Maybe, but I’m mentioning it now." Dandy said. "If its horrifying corpse hasn’t washed up on shore, then it’s probably underwater trying to heal up before it attacks Beach City again."

Leave it to Dandy to sabotage the beginnings of a good mood, Pearl thought. “Why would it try a second time? We all ready beat it once,” Sure it turned out they had been lucky, but armed with what she nowknew about the Slammerhead, a second victory would be a certainty instead of a fluke.

"Didn’t I tell y-."

"NO."

"Slammerheads are really persistent predators. If they’ve scoped out a settlement they want to munch on and don’t succeed the first time, they’ll just keep on trying until they get it right or get dead." He quickly explained.

"That’s insanity."

"Or perseverance. Persistence is weird like that."

Arguably true. Pearl would have to discuss this paradox with someone more intelligent later. “Whatever the case.” She began, looking behind Dandy to see how far along the others, specifically Garnet and Amethyst, were with putting the Aloha-Oe back in position. “It’s no longer your concern.” There was a muted, earthy splash as the Aloha-Oe’s landing gear hit the sand, followed by the dusting of palms and quiet applause coming from QT and Meow. “Goodbye Dandy.” She said with unmistakable finality, lowering her leg at last, but still poised to lash out with another kick if need be.

It was the out that Dandy had been praying for since he had been discovered. But the opportunity flew over his head. Or maybe he sidestepped it. Either way, he didn’t move. “You know, I don’t have to leave right this instant. We’d catch this thing a lot faster if we teamed up again. It’d be just like old times.” he offered.

Pearl’s answer was hushed, but firm. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

It was faint, but Dandy heard it all the same. His stature, which had grown tall and confident with each passing moment he wasn’t brutally harmed, deflated instantly with his once sanguine expression collapsing into one of subdued discomfort. He raised a hand to her as if to speak, but she cut him off.

"This isn’t the first time I’ve had to clean up one of your messes, but I promise you, it will be the last," she took in a deep breath. What she wouldn’t give to just feel anger and anger alone without all these other emotions dulling the blade of her consternation. "So leave. I know that’s one thing you’re good at."

Now she wasn’t even looking at him anymore. “All right.” Dandy muttered, bringing a hand to his communicator. “I guess this was a huge mistake after all.”

"At least that’s something we can agree on." Pearl noted, staring in the direction of the temple. Steven had probably reached it by now and doubtless, he’d want her to explain this whole ghastly episode to him. "Shouldn’t you be walking back to your ship?"

"Hang on, I’m just turning on the engines." Dandy explained as he pressed a few buttons on his bracelet. "Warming them up so I can leave quicker once we get on the ship." His spirits briefly rose as he remembered how he had used this remote control function to freak out those naysayers a few hours ago.

As if to verify this statement, the spherical backend of the Aloha-Oe sputtered to life. The graphene rings around its surface were starting to light up. There was a gentle hum filling the air as the craft’s systems were roused from sleep. Sure, there was a thin trail of smoke coming out from it, but no one but Pearl was all that worried.

"Um…Dandy?"

"I’m going, I’m going," he assured, his back still turned to the Aloha-Oe. "Just need to make a couple more adjustments and it’ll be online before you can say-."

***POshZZZZZZzzzzzzzBAM!***

'Explosion' is a very loaded word, full to bursting in fact. Ever since its creation, it has been a source of unending anxiety. When someone hears the word 'explosion', what immediately comes to mind are the understandable questions of “How close?” and “How large?” The second of these is actually the more important of the two as without it being solved the assumed answer is always 'ENORMOUS'. So if one were to read, “The engine of the Aloha-Oe exploded”, the first thing to come to mind would be an enormous blast wave engulfing everyone around it and perhaps the rest of Beach City. Lots of heat, a little screaming, and total annihilation.

It is thus prudent to mention that while there was a very loud and sudden explosion that made Amethyst, Meow, and QT duck for cover, it wasn’t all that big; a flash, a bang, and more smoke coming out of the new medium-sized hole on its spherical surface. If you wanted specifics from someone familiar with spaceship maintenance like Pearl or QT, they’d tell you that the lack of a completely destroyed spaceship was indicative of mild internal damage; the spacecraft equivalent of blowing a gasket or something equally, but not catastrophically, vital.

Dandy, who had brought his hands up to protect his face and hair after hearing the sound, lowered his arms to survey the damage and immediately understood. Thus proving that you didn’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that the Aloha-Oe wasn’t going anywhere.

"Erm…would you guys mind us staying at your place for a couple of days?"

* * *

After arriving home, Steven resisted the urge to look out the window to see what was going on. He had even decided against looking back as he rode Lion, who was now gobbling up the last of Meow’s pizza in a corner, home. It wasn’t because of a cessation of interest, but more out of respect - and just a little bit of fear - of Pearl. He suspected that whatever happened between her and Dandy was not something she wanted him to see. Had he not resisted that urge, he might’ve seen her coming.

"Why isn’t this door locked?!" she demanded, slamming and locking it behind her as she entered.

Because we never really lock it, he wanted to say. But seeing that she was alone, what came out was, “What about Garnet and Amethyst?”

There was a knock at the door.

Blushing, Pearl turned the nob to let her fellow Crystal Gems in.

"Tsk. Tsk. ‘Fraid that’ll be coming out of your paycheck, Jeeves." Amethyst reprimanded.

"Now’s not the time for that, Amethyst." Pearl said as she shut the door. "Now is the time to board up the windows and bolt in those dead-locks I’ve been meaning install."

For their own reasons, Amethyst and Steven didn’t take this very well. Amethyst groaned because she didn’t appreciate the extra tedium. Steven found it worrisome because something that could drive Pearl to such precautions and not make her instantly hysterical was probably a force to be reckoned with. “Are we being attacked by zombies?” he asked fearfully.

Despite her irritable frustration nary a moment before, the tone of Pearl’s response was more firm than ferocious. “No Steven, not today,” she said. “And I can assure you, this isn’t a permanent arrangement. It’s only until Dandy’s ship gets…fixed.”

"Did you break it?" Steven asked despite knowing what the answer would be.

Pearl might’ve gone into great detail about technicalities and the allocation of blame had Garnet not replied for her. “Yup.”

"ANYWAY." Pearl said, casting an unusually harsh look in Garnet’s direction. "We should grab the boat and head back to the beach. I can fix the engine with QT after we take care of the…Slammerhead. I can’t believe that’s actually what it’s called. It’s so unscientific. Then Dandy will be gone and we can put this whole thing behind me. Us. Behind us."

No one moved, at least, not in the way Pearl wanted them to. Garnet crossed her arms, Amethyst plopped herself into the sofa and did her best to sink into it as far as deeply as she could, and Steven was looking away and scratching his head, preparing himself for what he’d say next.

"Why?" Steven asked.

"Because he’s a moron and a menace who is best forgotten." She answered curtly.

"Okay," Steven acquiesced, even though Dandy didn’t seem to be all that bad. A little petty and full of himself, but not exactly a menace. "But why do you know him?"

"That’s irrelevant." Pearl said.

Amethyst snorted. “If it’s so ‘irrelevant’, then I guess it doesn’t really matter if we get rid of him or not.”

"That does matter!"

"How?" Garnet asked sternly. Pearl’s fierce stance faltered under her gaze, but refused to wilt completely. "Pearl, please. Help us understand."

Pearl groaned. She really didn’t want to do this. To explain was to recall and to recall demanded that in some small way, she’d have to relive the titanic farce she had been a part of. “Remember that…incident from eight years ago? When I was dragged into space during our battle with the Shatterlite?”

That got Amethyst’s attention. “Oh yeah, that creepy metal grubbing monster gem. You know it only dragged you up there because you wouldn’t let go like me and Garnet told you to.” She fondly remembered constantly pelting Pearl with ‘I told you so’ for hours after she had returned.

'Garnet and I,' Pearl wanted to correct, but more than that, she desired to be done with this as quickly as possible. “It turned out there was an old star drive in the junkyard it was arming itself in. When we broke through the upper atmosphere, the Shatterlite warped us somewhere far away from Earth.”

Steven was aghast. His mind raced as it tried to remember that far back. Pearl had always seemed to be there for him. Mostly. Had he taken that fact for granted? Was that the reason he hadn’t noticed her vanishing from the town? From the planet? He did vaguely recall Amethyst and Garnet telling him that Pearl was on a “special mission” after he had asked where she was, but that was pretty much it.

Pearl continued. “My body couldn’t hold out and I retreated into my Gem. Eventually, almost instantly, it was picked up by Dandy. No doubt so he could pawn, sell, or hoard it.” She paused to give Steven a look of unbridled, bittersweet affection. “Imagine my relief at finding out that not a lot of time had passed while I was in stasis.” Soon after, an unmistakable harshness replaced this serene melancholy. “After a brief…altercation, wherein he tried to get me registered.”

"Like marriage registered?" Amethyst asked.

"NO! I mean, no…nothing like that." Pearl cleared her throat, which was free of any sort of obstruction. "After he FAILED to do that, we made a deal of sorts."

"Just like that?" Garnet stated, more than inquired.

"Yes."

If anyone could’ve peered through Garnet’s thick visor, they might’ve seen the beginnings of skepticism playing at her brow. “He tried to get you…registered, failed to do that, and then you just made a deal with him.”

"More or less, that is what happened." Pearl said. "The arrangement was simple. He’d help me find and capture the Shatterlite and I’d help him apprehend whatever rare aliens we encountered along the way."

Amethyst could never be bothered to remember all, or most, of the names the others assigned to the wretches they fought, but she could always recall when they came out of fights empty-handed. “But you never caught the Shatterlite. You said so yourself after you came back.” She looked to Garnet, keeper of the room where they contained the dormant remains of their vanquished foes, who nodded.

"So you can probably guess how that arrangement turned out." She seemed much older and more tired in countenance than when she began. "We went our separate ways and I eventually got back to the temple. As I said, I was glad not a lot of time had passed. Just a month or so longer than half-a-year." she finished. Thankfully, this appeared to be enough for Garnet and Amethyst. Her explanation had been sensible and clear, if a little brief. They’d know that she had told them the truth. Well, most of the truth, essentially the entirety of what had transpired. That was enough. It should’ve been enough. Steven seemed to think otherwise.

"Why did he want to catch rare aliens?"

Pearl ran a hand down her face. She could deal with this. She could answer one or two more questions. “It’s because he’s an alien hunter, Steven. He travels to faraway worlds, encounters rare and exotic alien beings…and then captures them for money.”

"Like a Hokey-Mon poacher!" Steven noted.

"I suppose?" Pearl said, unsure of how comfortable she was of having her weird and exhausting misadventures compared to the lighthearted digital exploits of truants that threw capture cubes at feral animals.

"That’s pretty cool. How many did you guys catch?"

In an instant, Pearl hand’s were around Steven’s shoulders. She no longer looked fatigued, but alarmed, even a little afraid. “Steven, it is most certainly not cool,” she said urgently. “It’s why I had such a strong…reaction to seeing you so close to him at the beach.”

There was a nearby chuckle. “Oh so now it’s Steven’s fault that your ex can’t leave like you wanted him to?”

Steven hoped that this wasn’t the case. “So he’s an alien hunter, what’s that got to do with me? He didn’t manage to register you.” He pointed out.

"That’s because I’m a Gem, Steven. For whatever reason, the Alien Registration Center doesn’t accept beings that are primarily mineral or vegetable," she explained, tapping the large, oval pearl on her forehead.

"Then why should I worry? I’m a Gem too."

"Steven, you’re HALF-gem and HALF-human. You’re a hybrid." At this, the grip she had on Steven’s shoulders tightened. "And the only one in existence. That’s ambrosia to any alien hunter’s pocketbook. Especially one as greedy and unscrupulous as Dandy,"

Steven hadn’t thought of that. He hoped that Dandy hadn’t either. There were some very telling differences between him and the other Gems if you knew what to look for. There was also a second hope, a little smaller, but one that ached to be expressed. Who knew? It might even calm Pearl down. “Maybe he’s changed over the last eight years.”

The edge in her voice returned. “I doubt it.” she looked at the door with nervous suspicion. “That’s why we need you to stay behind, here, at the temple. You have to promise me that you won’t set one foot out that door until we get back, okay?” Pearl pleaded.

"Pearl, I really don’t think-."

"Steven…please. Please promise me."

Her gaze was on him again. It was sorrowful, frustrated, and impossible to resist. “All right, Pearl. I promise.”

Pearl’s face brightened. “Good,” she sighed with relief as she stood up and took her hands off of his shoulders. “Just stay where Lion can reach you and you can do anything you want. You can make yourself some snacks, read books, watch TV, play games, and if something does manage to break in, you can always use the warp pad to flee,” she tried to skirt past the last of those options. “It shouldn’t come to that though. We’ll take Dandy, QT, and that cat thing with us on our search and I won’t let any of them out of my sight.”

"Yeah, that might be a problem."

Had that come from anyone other than Garnet, Pearl might’ve waved it off or ignored it completely. But Garnet had said those words, and that brought a charley horse to the popliteal fossa of her rising spirits.

"It might be a tight fit, but I think we could all fit on the boat. Amethyst and I can shrink down if need be." She assured, hoping that was what Garnet was referring to.

Garnet shook her head, dashing those hopes. “That’s not the problem. I can’t see when he’s around.”

"I know he’s a bit of an eyesore, but I don’t think he’s obnoxious to the point of blinding. He comes close though." She laughed nervously. Garnet did not join in. Instead she pointed to the upper centermost portion of her shades, the part of the accessory that shielded her third eye. "You can’t be serious." Pearl sputtered. Regretfully, Garnet nodded. "No, no, no, no. How? Why?!"

It was always painful for Garnet to see her friend in such a frantic and confused state. It was almost as painful as not being able to provide an answer or solution that would snap her out of it. “When I arrived at the beach, I kept trying to use my powers to see what the future had in store for this…Dandy,” she said, leaving out the little detail that she wanted to see all the myriad of ways things could go wrong for him once Pearl finally arrived.

"He negated your clairvoyance?" Pearl asked, horrified. Steven and Amethyst were similarly shocked.

"No, it was more like using it around him created this weird sort of sensory feedback. Looking directly at him was like…there was a…Dandy-shaped distortion where he was supposed to be," she explained. 4D white noise was never pleasant. It was very much like all your senses had been taken out of your body and then dragged across a desert made of sandpaper. Even trying to explain it was giving her a headache. And this wasn’t even going into all the other weird inconsistencies she had seen like the oceans filled with hair and the burning tetrahedron clouds. "The closer he got, the worse it became."

"How near does he need to be for this to happen?!"

"Not much." Garnet stated bluntly. "Even now, I’m still getting a bit of interference."

"Well isn’t that just TYPICAL!" Pearl growled, throwing her arms up in the air. "He manages to ruin everything by just being there!"

"How do you think that’s possible?" Steven asked. Garnet’s powers of perception weren’t perfect, but as far as he knew, they had never outright failed before.

"Oh what does it matter?!" Pearl yelled. "I guarantee that the explanation is something embarrassing and inane. He probably stuck his foot in a tachyon toilet or burned himself with a hadron hairdryer!"

Amethyst was pretty sure that neither or those things actually existed and the other pieces of reality-altering furniture Pearl started to list seemed equally implausible. “So you’ve got a plan to get around that, right?” Amethyst asked. “Because I’m not too wild about going in blind against something that survived a rocket Garnet knuckle sandwich.”

This brought an end to Pearl’s histrionics. “A plan?”

"Duh. You’ve always got one and it is kind of your fault that Garnet’s powers are glitching out since you did wreck Dandy’s ship."

"I know that!" Pearl screeched. "I just-I-I-I-!" she was breathing heavily now, her hands gripping the sides of her hair in worry. "I need time to think." she said, trying to mask the pleading in her voice; pleading for time, answers, and the return of chances and certainties now lost to her. "I need time to think!" she almost screamed as she ran for the door that lay beyond the warp pad. Before anyone could stop her, the portal had slammed shut.

* * *

For the next few minutes, Pearl didn’t do much actual thinking. There was a powerful urge to howl at the room’s ceiling and kick its wet floors, but that’s not how she did things. That wasn’t what she wanted to be. Instead, she settled for performing a series of quick and furious katas. They didn’t give her the amount of visceral satisfaction that yelling and violence did, but she felt that she had humiliated herself enough for one day. As she gradually allowed herself to reflect on these moments of weakness, the speed and force of her actions intensified.

Reckless.

Ronde de jambe.

Impulsive.

Slash.

Shortsighted.

Plié.

What had she been thinking?

Fouetté.

Not a whole lot, that much was clear.

Kick.

And look where that had gotten her.

Retiré.

Garnet blinded.

Rond de jambe á terre.

Dandy stuck here.

Elbow.

A monster in the ocean ready to strike.

Revoltade.

Why had she done that?

Stab.

That craven reprobate looked like he would’ve fled if she had just looked at him harshly.

Brisé.

It was all her fault.

Sissone.

Nothing seemed to go right.

Tendu.

When she had completed the improvised dance, she was satisfied to see that the spear in her hands was completely in focus now. It had been a blurry, flickering mess when she had began and its restoration indicated that for the moment, her concentration had been restored. Still, she had to work fast. Her repertoire had helped flush out much of her self-loathing and despair, but she could feel a rising cloud of anger trying to take their place.

She took a deep breath to calm herself. Anger, however righteous it had been, was what had gotten her into this mess to begin with. She listened to the multitude of fountains elegantly arranged around her room. Letting the rhythmic melody of surging water quiet the accusations and curses stewing inside her head. Those cascading curtains of moisture couldn’t give her an answer, but they gave her a structure to work towards; amorphous, chaotic components turned into something whole and polished with the right amount of force and intelligent design.

With a waver of her hand, a bubble the size of a coconut rose from the depths of the watery bloom she was standing on. She hadn’t looked at its contents since she had chucked it down there eight years ago. Hidden, beyond the sight of herself and her fellow Gems, she had hoped for it and everything associated with the bauble to fade completely from memory. She knew that wasn’t likely, it had been built to withstand much colder and harsher environments than this. If she had been serious about wanting it gone, she’d have destroyed it outright. Provided that she had wanted to forget everything it symbolized instead of just a significant amount of the beginning and end, she might’ve just done that.

She wrapped the problem around its flawed curvature and had the object gently spin in front of her. An uneven glint cast by its rotation could spark new insights and eureka might spring forth from the growing-shrinking-vanishing-growing hole at its center

Dandy couldn’t come with them. That much was certain. They were almost half-a-mile from him and Garnet still couldn’t use her abilities to give them even an inkling of where the…Slammerhead might be. She thought about putting him on a smaller boat and towing it behind theirs, but she still didn’t know how far he needed to be for the interference to stop happening. They could always leave him on the beach and take Steven with them, but Steven couldn’t fight underwater like they could and fighting the creature while trying to protect him made this option unfeasible. Knocking Dandy out, tying him up, and then burying him up to his neck in the sand until they got back was starting to look like their best option, but that might’ve just been the anger talking again. Besides, Dandy could be incredibly resourceful - or absurdly lucky - when he was cornered. At the same time, she couldn’t just let him have the run of the place, not when Steven was still there.

Yes, Dandy was lazy and unmotivated, but trying to stop him from doing something was a surefire way to make him try it. Provided of course, it wasn’t too much trouble. So they couldn’t possibly bring him along on the hunt, but letting him go free was a terrible idea. She needed him contained, but he had to be tricked into wanting to be contained. Actually, that wasn’t entirely true. Things would probably go a lot smoother if she could get him contained without him knowing he was being contained. No, that’d be impossible. She didn’t think much of his intelligence, but even she knew that Dandy wasn’t so mentally inept as to not notice he was being confined. “But what if…” she wondered out loud. “What if he was trapped somewhere he wouldn’t mind being stuck in? Like a pit bursting with money, or a penitentiary with an all-you-can-eat buffet, or a labyrinth full of supermodels, or his-.”

That’s when she saw it. Not in the brass. Not in the hole. It was in the gash. The miniature ravine that was simultaneously shallow and impossibly deep. The plan, no, the scheme she sought lay there in the rip where everything had fallen apart. The solution it housed was simple, utilitarian, and just a little bit stupid.

"How appropriate," she thought bitterly. But first, she’d need to gather a few things.

* * *

"-so you understand? It’s extremely important that you do." Pearl asked as they neared the disabled spacecraft.

"For the last time, yes, I get it." Amethyst used one of her hands to lightly chop at the side of her neck as proof. "Why aren’t you bugging Garnet about this a trillion times?"

"That’s because I know that Garnet was listening to me." Pearl explained, turning to her taller comrade for confirmation.

Garnet shrugged, causing the sailboat she was carrying on her shoulder to bob up and down. “I got the broad strokes.”

Pearl hoped that was just Garnet using her usual stoicism to act cheeky. “Well that will have to do,” she said as they rounded the front of the Aloha-Oe to see Dandy and his crew standing by the shoreline. Garnet and Amethyst were less surprised than Pearl when they saw what QT was wearing. “QT…why are you wearing a fishing vest?”

"Oh, this?" QT tugged at the side of his dark green garment. "That’s because I’ve taken up fishing as a hobby. It’s actually really fun," he explained, raising the fishing rod in his other hand.

Pearl blinked. That was news to her. He hadn’t been interested in much of anything besides cleaning things and making snide remarks when she had seen him last. “What about the sunglasses and baseball cap?”

"Those are just to complete the look." QT answered, tipping the brim of his hat.

In contrast to QT getting dressed for the occasion, Dandy’s appearance was largely unchanged. Save for a big goofy grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Pearl tried to sound more curious than harsh. On reflection, it was a question worth asking. He really didn’t have a benign reason to be glad. His ship was grounded, she had refused him lodging at the temple, and as far as he knew, he was going to have to chase after something angry and dangerous. A smile like that could only mean that something worse was about to happen or was happening to someone else. Come to think of it, Meow wasn’t anywhere to be found.

Instead of answering, Dandy let out a rough giggle as he reached behind him. There was a yelp of protest as he yanked Meow to the forefront for all of them to see. And there was so much of Meow to see. At least, everyone thought so. The only indications that this big, fluffy mass of untidy curls and shocks of fur was Meow at all were the clothes all of the fuzz was sticking out of and its angry yellow eyes. None of the Gems knew what to make of it. Then one of his ears twitched, causing a swift and very visible pulse of hairy movement to cascade from it.

"Heh." Garnet snicked.

This was more than enough to set Amethyst off. “HAHAHAHAHAHA!” she laughed, doubling over, but making sure she never lost sight of Meow.

Dandy and QT were next, oblivious or uncaring of their crewmate’s growing annoyance at the situation. Pearl’s cheeks were puffed with air as they tried to stop her from expressing an impolite storm of vocal schadenfreude.

"It’s not funny!" Meow protested as the laughter persisted. "It’s not my fault! It’s the damn humidity!"

Seeing the angry pink triangle flash into being amidst the bulb of fluff where Meow’s head used to be was too much and Pearl finally joined the others in mocking him. This was fantastic, she thought as the guffaws shrank into chuckles. This was just the cover she needed for her temperament to do a complete 180 with Dandy being none the wiser. It helped that seeing Meow ring like a giant wooly bell was genuinely funny to her. “How did this even happen?” she asked, the words tinged with the ghost of a giggle.

Dandy wiped a mirthful tear from his eye. “We hosed him down after you left to get rid of the slobber. And once he got dry-,” he motioned to the very visible results and let out another guffaw.

"Why didn’t you just lick the spit off?" Amethyst asked. It’s what she would have done in cat form.

Meow gagged. Or maybe he spat. It was hard to tell with how puffy his face area was. “Lick it off? Gross! That’d be like I was frenching the damn lion!”

"She’s got a point, Meow." QT chided. "How many people can honestly say that they made out with the KING of the Jungle?"

That got another chuckle from the Gems.

"Oh, so you think that’s funny, do ya?!" Meow demanded as he furiously rubbed his paws together. "Well lets see how you three like it!" he threatened. The two furry nubs parted, both extremities now crackling with a modest electric charge.

Garnet tilted the boat on her shoulder so that the gunwale was pointing directly at the irked Betelgeusian. “Don’t make me use this.”

Meow could just picture Garnet’s magnificent square afro exploding into a Bride of Frankenstein beehive at his touch. It was so easy to imagine Amethyst’s wild locks being frozen into a hideous purple cloud attached to her scalp. Pearl wouldn’t be that affected by it, but she seemed to be the type to have a Dandy-tier conniption over a few frayed ends. Alas, his anger wasn’t great enough to shove aside his fear of being impaled by a sailboat. He grumbled, and then tapped Dandy and QT’s shoulders with his paws, sending an unwelcome jolt into his unsuspecting cohorts.

"That wasn’t nice!" QT complained, readjusting his glasses.

"Yeah, don’t take it out on us." Dandy chastised as he rubbed his arm. Of course, Meow all ready had and his subsequent laughter at his petty retribution caused all the frazzled hairs on his body to tremble in pleasure.

Dandy was pretty annoyed when the Gems followed suit, though he was grateful that their merriment wasn’t as loud or as long as it had been when he had shown them the new and expanded Meow. In addition, now that he and QT weren’t laughing along with everyone else, he could actually hear Pearl’s laughter among those of the four. It was a light and melodious sound that was just a little bit haughty; not haughty in a snobbish way, mind you. It was a laugh that said, “I really shouldn’t, but I absolutely must and I feel deliciously objectionable because of it.” A little irritating if it was directed at you, but Dandy thought it was a nice change of pace from her angry and dismal shrieks from a few hours ago. That had to be a good sign, right?

"Well now that we’ve got that all out of our systems." Dandy said after the laughter had died down. "Let’s get that fancy, magic tub of yours into the sea and hunt us a Slammerhead."

"Um…Dandy?" Pearl said. "Don’t you think that you should fix your hair first?"

Dandy raised a hand to check. Meow’s little static prank had caused several shocks of hair to spring out of the less heavily gelled areas of his scalp. “Yeah, that’s a bit annoying, but I don’t see the point in fixing it. I mean, present company excluded,” he winked at Pearl and the other Gems. “Who’d there be to impress out there in open water?”

"Mermaids." Pearl stated.

"Mermaids?"

Pearl nodded. “Beach City has had a long history of mermaid sightings since it was founded. I’ve never seen one myself, but from what I’ve heard, they’re quite fetching.”

He suddenly felt very self-conscious about his untidy hairdo. “QT, is that true?”Dandy asked the bespectacled robot.

"Let me check." QT said as he scanned the outernet with his processors to verify or debunk Pearl’s claim. "There certainly are a lot of stories about mermaids being spotted around this area."

Meow scoffed, launching a burst of dander from his new pink triangle mouth. “You can’t seriously believe any of that. This is a coastal town; of course it’s going to have tall tales about sea monsters and ocean babes.”

"Stranger things have happened to us, Meow. And we’ve seen plenty of actual mermaids out there in space." Dandy reminded as he tried to bring his errant streaks of hair down with no success. "None of them single though."

"Even if there were any on this planet, they wouldn’t have…y’know." Meow paws came to his hips and proceeded to do some downward fanning motions.

"Some guys get their kicks above the waistline, feline." Dandy said, pressing a button on his communicator. A moment later, a large metal platform lowered itself from the Aloha-Oe’s keel. "I’ll just be a second."

"Just to be on the safe side, make sure you bring along lots of extra hair gel." Pearl offered as Dandy stepped onto the loading pad. "The saltwater air can play havoc on your locks."

Part of the alien hunter knew that he should’ve been at least a little bit suspicious of how nice and helpful Pearl had suddenly become. However, that part of him was rarely any fun. The way Dandy saw it, people complained about bad crap happening to them all of the time. Then when things started to look up, those same people had the temerity to question their good fortune. Best to enjoy the joyride while there was gas in the tank, regardless of how inexplicable or unearned the trip was. “Thanks, Pearl,” he grinned in appreciation as he was lifted up. Pearl smiled back and kept smiling until the platform was completely raised back into the ship. Then she snapped her fingers.

Meow and QT didn’t really understand what happened afterwards. It occurred with such speed that they could barely claim to have experienced it. For the next few seconds, there was a continuous ripping sound as Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst leapt, weaved, and ran across the entirety of the Aloha-Oe. When the Gems were done, the two bounty hunters were startled to see that there was a frighteningly enormous amount of duct tape tied around the circumference of their ship and some of its other sections on the side.

"I can’t believe he fell for your forced acting." Amethyst smirked as she surveyed their handiwork.

"I can’t believe there were people feverish enough to mistake you for a mermaid." Pearl shot back.

"You’re the one that called her fetching." Garnet pointed out as she lifted the sailboat she had dropped at the start of the maneuver back onto her shoulder.

QT reviewed the footage of what he had just seen, getting an idea of what they did, but not why. “Um, what was that all about?” he asked.

Pearl turned to face him. “I’m going to be quick, so listen up. Garnet has heightened powers of perception that can help us find the Slammerhead faster. For reasons I’m too livid to contemplate right now, Dandy’s very presence causes those powers to short out. We can’t bring him along, but I don’t want him stirring up trouble, so we’ve locked him in there.”

"There’s no way that’ll hold him once he finds out you what you did." QT meekly protested.

"Why do you think we didn’t cover up any of the windows?" Pearl asked. QT looked behind her. Indeed, all of the ship’s windows were free of tape. Which was just as well, since none of them could afford you a decent view of the ship itself. It was almost as if they were positioned in such a way as to prevent the Aloha-Oe’s crew from seeing how cruddy the ship they were flying in was while they were inside of it. "Let’s face it, if Dandy had an excuse not to come along so he could kick back and relax while we did his work for him, he’d take it." Neither Meow nor QT could refute that point. "If he thinks he can’t come along, he won’t because he never wants to. So these are your choices: Immortal Psychic Veteran Warrior who has vanquished countless foes over several millennia," she gestured toward Garnet. "Or Dandy." at this, she just wagged her palm at them.

A choice such as this would’ve been a no-brainer if the situation was as simple as it implied. The former, please, please, please, give me the former. I actually want a decent chance of success this time around, they’d say. And yet, while they didn’t doubt that Garnet was every bit as mighty as Pearl said she was, none of the Gems would have to deal with a very peeved Dandy if he ever found out about the deception.

As they mulled over their options, there was a groan from the bottom of the Aloha-Oe as the platform tried to lower itself to no avail. It tried again a second time, then a third.

Meow’s communicator started to beep. “Y-yeah?” he answered.

"Meow? I can’t seem to get the landing pad down. Is something out there blocking it?" Dandy’s voice asked from the bangle.

"N-nothing I can see." Meow replied. It was true in a way. Being tied up wasn’t the same as being obstructed, right?

"I’m gonna try the-." There was a mechanized retching from another heavily duct taped part of the ship. "No, the air lock’s stuck too." Then came a banging from one side of the ship, followed by a lesser banging from the one not facing the group. "Starboard and portside doors ain’t budging either. Huh."

"It’s probably because the ship got damaged when Pearl flipped it over." QT said, trying to allay Dandy’s burgeoning suspicions.

"I guess that makes sense." Dandy said. "At least the backup generator still works." From Meow’s communicator, the murmur of sports statistics, followed by a lover’s quarrel, and the declaration of a Hrogbeast Parfait’s completion indicated that the television was also functioning properly

"You want us try and uh-," the Betelgeusian looked to Pearl for guidance. She nodded. He didn’t get what that meant, so he decided to wing it. "-try and get you out of there? QT says it could take a while."

The cooking show audio was replaced by the sound of gunfire and the skidding of tires. Hardly the tense, pensive pause Pearl thought would crop up once she maneuvered Dandy to this juncture. “Nah, just get me out of here once you guys are done. I think I’ve had enough excitement for one day,” he said. “Besides, you’ve got Pearl to watch your backs. You’ll be fine.”

Since he was really just trying to slack off, Pearl tried not to feel complimented by what Dandy had said. She leaned forward to speak into Meow’s communicator, trying to sound flattered, because she most definitely wasn’t. “Don’t worry, Dandy. We’ll catch that Slammerhead of yours in no time,” she assured, ending the transmission before Dandy or Meow had a chance to say anything more.

"Wait a second. Catch? I thought we were gonna make sure he left the planet empty ha-rahaughk!" Amethyst’s puzzled inquiry was interrupted by Pearl wrapping her arm around her neck in an act of faux-camaraderie.

"Ohohoho, that’s Amethyst for you!" Pearl tightened her chummy hold. "Always such a kidder!" she laughed nervously, ignoring struggles of the aforementioned ‘kidder’.

The two individuals she was trying to fool couldn’t find it in themselves to be alarmed by this blatant deception. Meow simply wanted this day to be over. For him to board the Aloha-Oe, away from prying and judgmental eyes as he worked to get his fur back under control. QT was just itching to get some actual fishing done. It had been months since he had caught his last wall-hanger and Dandy staying behind would make their vessel less of a cattle boat. Best case scenario, even if you took inflation into account, half-a-million wulongs was still a hell of a lot more than thirty pieces of silver. And if worse came to worst, they’d have front row seats to the Gems flashily beating one of the most unpleasant creatures in the universe to death.

There were no objections when Garnet lowered the boat into the water and urged those assembled to get inside of it. Once everyone had boarded, she pushed it past the shallows before effortlessly vaulting onto it herself. Pearl was immeasurably pleased that things were finally going smoothly. As a sore and still grumbling Amethyst unfurled the sails, Pearl couldn’t help but think that the day might not wind up a total disaster after all.

* * *

Steven raised his fingers to play with a dot of light that had managed to squeeze through the boards the Gems had nailed to all of the windows. He derived some amusement from thinking that the rays were running across his palm as he turned it. The house was rather dark after its heavy and hasty fortification. He thought about turning on the lights, but it just seemed like a waste when there was a bright sunny day just outside the door. Plus, it wasn’t dark enough that it was impossible to see.

"Alley-oop," he cried as he got off of the couch. He then started to walk around the room, whistling all the way in an effort to fill the place with some kind of sound. Perhaps he could trick himself into thinking he was doing something fun or productive. He might even manage to wake Lion, who was deeply occupied with one of his post-pizza naps.

He opened and closed the fridge, whose contents hadn’t changed since he had made himself lunch. A few minutes were spent leafing through books and old comics; he even tried opening some of the big dusty ones that Pearl or Garnet would sometimes look at. It didn’t last, he felt too distracted and restless to read. TV. TV might work, he thought as he climbed up the steps to his part of the house.

Nothing. Nothing he hadn’t seen before or cared to see anyway. Just replays, reruns, and news bulletins. A second showing of the Under the Knife second season finale made him think of giving Connie a call, but he knew he’d be no fun if she picked up. So he wasn’t hungry, he couldn’t concentrate on reading, and there was nothing to watch on television. That left video games as the sole remaining option in Pearl’s list of things he could do while he waited for the Gems to come back.

He groaned. Great, now he was thinking about how troubled and exhausted she had looked. Even when she had exited her room and calmly told them her plan, he could still sense the anger and stress rumbling beneath her cool façade. But that was nothing compared to the colossal melancholy that hung from her every word and action since she had confronted Dandy. Steven couldn’t believe that not being able to catch that Shatter-thing would be enough to fill Pearl with so much sadness, even if she had a habit of taking things too seriously sometimes. To carry such pain for all this time without telling him or her closest friends, clearly there was something she wasn’t telling them. Maybe she’d never tell them.

As Steven loaded the Dogcopter 3 tie-in game into his console, he tried to tell himself that further contemplation wouldn’t help. Yes, it was a shame that he’d probably never find out what had happened between Dandy and Pearl. There was nothing he could do though. Given how reluctant she was to glance over even a smidgen of their history, it was unlikely that Pearl was going to tell him more. And the only other person that could shed some light on this shady matter was unwittingly trapped in his own ship.

As he picked up the controller, Steven noticed that the house’s meager illumination was gradually turning pink. He turned his attentions to the common room, certain that Lion was the source only to see a pinprick of rose colored light suspended in the air. The radiant dot before him began to unfold, creating a tall fan of pure luminescence that expanded and contracted along unknowable contours until it hit the ground. Steven soon realized that this sheet of energy was shaped like a person. The moment he recognized this, the light had dissipated, leaving behind a familiar and unexpected presence.

"Say," Dandy said, pointing to the game that Steven was no longer paying any attention to. "That multiplayer?!"

* * *

_Pearl grimaced as she stared out of the cockpit window. According to the ship’s badly organized logs, this was where she had been picked up. This was where the Shatterlite had passed through. Now there was nothing at all. No traces to follow, no clues she could pick up. Nothing._

_She brought her hands to her face in frustration. It couldn’t end this way. She hadn’t clung to the abomination so fiercely just to let it run rampant throughout the cosmos. The cosmos…oh she couldn’t bear to look at it. It was too distracting. She needed to focus; she needed to think._

_Once she had gotten back on the ship, her first course of action was to continue her pursuit of the corrupted Gem, but the trail had gone cold if it had ever been warm at all. Carelessly, she wondered how long she had spent drifting out there in open space, surrounded by a galaxy she treasured, but couldn’t see. She immediately regretted it. Untold years might’ve passed while she was in stasis. The computer was a hassle to sort through, but if she tried, she could find out the year, provided they still had years whenever she was. She should’ve done that first. The Earth might not even exist anymore. Amethyst, Garnet, and…Steven might’ve left for a different world. Or maybe they hadn’t, she suppressed a sob. Or maybe they hadn’t managed to-._

_The opening and closing of sliding doors interrupted her thoughts._

“ _Sup?” a bothersome voice frivolously asked._

_Pearl’s hands fell away and she looked back to address the nuisance. It was the scoundrel that had tried to capture her! She tensed in anticipation of another attack._

“ _Whoah, whoah, whoah.” He made a tapping gesture with his left hand, the one with the bracelet, as if he was trying to shoo away a bothersome dog instead of a potential attacker. “Easy. I didn’t come here for a fight, baby.”_

_Baby?_

_Not missing a beat, he went to the minifridge next to the pilot seat and pulled out a can of beer. “Regular fridge is empty,” he explained. There was a hiss as he pulled the tab down to open it._

“ _Wh-what took you so long to get here?” Pearl asked, puzzled._

“ _It was too early for a nightcap,” he said nonchalantly._

“ _That’s not what I’m talking about. I-I-,” Pearl dragged a palm across her face as she tried to find the words that could bring this deranged moment under the heel of sanity. “I commandeered your ship.”_

“ _Comman-whu?”_

“ _That means I took it from you,” she explained._

“ _So you’re saying you stole it?” Pearl had the good grace to look a bit bashful as she nodded in response. “I hadn’t noticed,” he shrugged._

“ _You didn’t notice it flying around without you or your little robot friend at the controls?” Pearl warily asked. She suspected that he was being facetious, but given how truly foolish he had acted back when they were at that ‘Alien Registration Center’, she couldn’t be sure._

“ _I wouldn’t call QT my friend, but that’s about right.”_

“ _Okay, but now that you have noticed and now that you do know, what are you going to do about it?”_

_The man scratched his prominent chin and . “I dunno. What do you think I should do?”_

_This nearly caused Pearl to fall out of her purloined seat. “Um, uh,” she grappled with how best to respond to such a question. The others wouldn’t have had such a hard time with this. Amethyst would have just brashly kicedk this guy out of the airlock and Garnet would have fixed him one of those cold, sublime stares of hers until he got the message. “I wouldn’t recommend fighting me for it. Especially when you’re well within striking distance,” she offered politely. As bizarre as this conversation was turning out to be, she was confident that at this range, his little fishing rod gadget would be near useless, while her own precise blows would be devastating._

“ _Good point,” the man conceded. “You did manage to punch your way through that super tough diamond glass. Not a lot of aliens can pull that off. Why, I remember this one time I caught a Wuzraition. After I finally got it in that canister, it got super peeved and tried to get out by firing a huge force beam out of its one eye. The tube came out of it perfectly fine, but its insides were slathered with Wuzraition chunks.”_

“ _Hang on, that wasn’t the same canister that you put me in, was it?”_

“ _So what if it was?”_

“ _But you cleaned it thoroughly afterwards, right?” she asked with a hint of desperation._

_There was a pause. “Define thoroughly.”_

“ _Ah,” Pearl gulped, remembering how she had slammed her shoulders, legs, and…and face into the glass. Repeatedly. “Ah…AH!”_

“ _Tragedy at its starkest. Didn’t get a single wulong out of that,” he said wistfully._

_Pearl shivered in horror. “I-I think I’m going to be sick.”_

“ _That’s impossible. You don’t have organs.”_

“ _It’s a mental disgust!” she shot back._

“ _While we’re on the subject of mental disorders, do you actually have any idea where you’re going?” the man asked, putting his open beer on top of the minifridge to free up both his hands._

“ _That depends,” Pearl rubbed her left bicep uncertainly, steeling herself for the terrible revelation she might receive. “How is the Earth doing?”_

“ _How would I know?”_

_She definitely wasn’t prepared for that. “You’re a human being! How wouldn’t you know? Isn’t that where you’re from?!”_

“ _Ehhhh, a bit, but not really,” he brought his right thumb and index close together without letting them touch to illustrate. “I’m more of an aficionado of Earth culture than a bonafide citizen.”_

“ _I could tell,” she stated, remembering the palm tree and all the Hawaiian and Japanese memorabilia she had passed on her way to the cockpit. “Doesn’t that mean you should know whether or not it’s still around though?”_

“ _All right, fine, keep your tights on,” he walked towards the cockpit’s doors, causing them to slide apart. “HEY QT!” he shouted through the opening._

“ _YEAH?!” a high-pitched synthesized voice from the other side answered._

“ _WHAT’S THE STATUS OF PLANET EARTH?!”_

“ _ONE SEC! Uh-huh, hm, ah, IT’S FINE!”_

“ _THANKS!” the man yelled, before closing the door._

“ _That’s a relief.” Pearl sighed, though there was still one more question she needed answered for that to be completely true. “What year is it?”_

_This, the man didn’t hesitate to answer. “Space Century 0006.”_

“ _Thank goodness.” Pearl felt like laughing. She hadn’t been gone that long after all!_

“ _Geez, if you wanted to get back to Earth so bad, why’d you fly us here? This place is even further from it than the Alien Registration Center was.”_

“ _That’s because-,” she hesitated. “One moment, before I go any further, how are you even here?”_

“ _QT picked me up with Aloha-Oe’s big old claw arms, same as you,” he reminded her. “I would’ve preferred that he zap us back, but the teleporter’s been broken since forever, so what’re you gonna do?”_

_Pearl was going to suggest he fix it, but if the thought hadn’t occurred to him by now, chances were he’d never care enough to bother. “That’s…but the no oxygen and the freezing and the-whatever,” she gave up. “If you must know, I came here looking for the Shatterlite.”_

“ _What’s a Shatterlite?”_

“ _Not a Shatterlite, THE Shatterlite,” she stressed. “It’s this…um…dangerous alien my friends and I were trying to capture. I thought I could pick up its trail if I came back to where you found me, but no such luck,” she slumped into the chair._

_A heavy, metal-soled boot slammed into the ship’s helm, smashing her stupor wide open. “Well why didn’t you say so from the beginning?!” the man asked, leaning into his propped up leg to look down at her. “If it’s a chase you’re on, I’ll have you know that you’re in the presence of an honest-to-goodness alien hunter!”_

_Pearl tried to gingerly back away from his gaze, but the seat she was in wasn’t designed for that. “Far be it from me to question your qualifications, but how would you go about finding it? Fly around without a clue and hope you stumble across its hiding place?”_

“ _Almost crashed into it before,” he boasted. “And I wasn’t even looking for it back then.”_

_Pearl considered this for a moment.”Look, Luck or no luck, even if I did want to enlist your services, I don’t think I’d be able to pay for them.”_

_The alien hunter squinted at her with a level of scrutiny that bordered on the exaggerated. “Yeah, you don’t seem to have any pockets in that getup of yours,” he cupped his chin in the heel of his palm. “What to do, what to do,” he pondered as he loudly and repeatedly tapped the foot still on the dash. As Pearl was starting to worry that he was damaging the controls, he snapped his fingers. “I’ve got it, we’ll trade favors.”_

“ _Favors?”_

“ _Yeah, quid pro quou, that sort of trade,” he splayed a hand against the window. “Out there, between us and your Shatterthingie is a whole galaxy filled with rare and exotic aliens just ripe for the taking,” he looked back at her with a smile. “So here’s my pitch. I help you find it and in exchange, you help me catch any rare aliens we come across along the away with your freaky super strength. Sound good?”_

_Calling her strength freaky didn’t sound good, nor did randomly zooming around space. She hadn’t been up here in centuries and even if the alien hunter’s continued survival indicated that he wasn’t completely incompetent at navigating the stars, they still might never find it. The offer was really impractical, a foolish proposition to do a foolish thing. Pearl might have refused right then and there if the alien hunter hadn’t said. “I saw how you were looking at the stars,” his eyes took on a startling gentleness. “Been a while since you’ve seen them like that?”_

“ _Thousands of years…” she let slip._

“ _Oooooo, Cougar Rock, eh?” he chortled as her face went from forlorn to indignant. “That just makes this deal even more perfect doesn’t it? I get some hired muscle, and you get to explore dozens if not hundreds of worlds and star systems before coming home a hero!”_

_Pearl’s displeasure turned to intrigue. It had been a long while since she had explored the great beyond. Hunting aliens couldn’t have been all that different from what she usually did on Earth. She could travel for a few weeks with this clown and just go home if she didn’t find the Shatterlite. Maybe this impromptu quest could even remove some of the built-up contempt she had for the little blue world she was stationed on._

_Seeing her seriously consider his deal encouraged the alien hunter to press on. “C’mon baby, it’ll be fun. I can be the Intergalactic Ishmael to your All-Star Ahab.”_

_That was a half-decent literary reference. Maybe the man wasn’t as dumb as she thought he was. “What about QT?”_

“ _He can be Queequeg. Since that also starts with a Q.” he said. “Stick with us and we’ll nab that Great White Dick of yours in no time.”_

_Pearl blushed at the double entendre. Or perhaps it had been an accidental innuendo. It was really hard to tell with this guy. “I suppose a little adventure couldn’t hurt.”_

“ _That’s the spirit! It’ll an awesome space adventure in space.” Pearl didn’t know whether to laugh or groan at the redundancy of that statement. “Since we’ll be partners for the foreseeable future, I think introductions are in order.” He put an elbow on his raised knee and then tilted his arm so that an open hand was pointed in her direction. “The name’s Dandy, but you can call me Space Dandy.”_

“ _Pearl,” she said, taking his hand in her own. As her fingers closed around Dandy’s, she noticed that the tear she had seen on the right sleeve of his jacket earlier was gone._

_Normally, when one’s ship is stolen from them, one (provided they had survived the theft) would immediately try or think of a way to take it back by force or an act of sabotage. Defying protocol, Dandy had responded to Pearl shoving him to the ground and taking the Aloha-Oe’s controls for herself by having a snack. The instant ramen was a poor substitute for the buffet he had originally planned to dig into that day, but it warmed him up and sated his hunger. Then he had a lonely finger of tequila, no lemon unfortunately, before taking a nice, long shower. This was followed by him brushing his teeth, fixing his hair, applying a tasteful dab of cologne, and putting on a fresh set of clothes. He even made time to have QT polish his boots until they shone._

_Pearl had no way of knowing this. Amidst a whirlwind of unexpected absurdity and bombastic negotiations, the only thing she noticed about Dandy’s personage was that he looked a lot more presentable and didn’t smell quite as bad. As she wondered why that was, she realized that in the process of reaching out to shake his awkwardly positioned hand, she had stood up and was no longer sitting in Dandy’s chair._

**To be continued…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay and sorry that this ran a little long, but I hope you enjoyed it all the same. R&R!


	3. Ray Gun Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the past: A shocking murder mystery in the classic Space Inspector Dandy style and an explosive swashbuckling pirate tale featuring "The Fall of Glowbeard."
> 
> In the present: Dandy makes Steven a fantastic offer while Amethyst deeply regrets asking Pearl about her feelings.

_“Mrs. Daver, I’m sorry for your loss. I really am.” Pearl said, though she wasn’t sure how true her words were. After all, they had known each other for less than an hour. This made her attempts at pity and how close the recent widow was holding her to her chest seem overly familiar to say the least._

_“Calvin! Oh my metaphorically poor and poetically sweet Calvin!” Mrs. Daver moaned, clutching the Crystal Gem even harder._

_Pearl managed to twist her head just in time so that only her right cheek was pressed against the much larger alien woman’s abdominal area. Had she been a little slower, she might’ve wound up with a face full of sweaty undulating velvet. “Y-yes, what happened to Mr. Daver was highly unfortunate. I know-woo-getting a little close here-.” Pearl said sideways before stopping herself. The lady very much in front of her was clearly in great emotional distress, so it was understandable that she’d want to vent some of that grief. She’d just have to bear with this unsolicited embracing for a little while longer “I mean-I know what it’s like to lose people you care about, espe-he-he-hey-! Especially when it seems to happen so suddenly.”_

_“Seems?! So do you think it’s true?!” Mrs. Daver asked above her. “Do you also think that it might’ve been-that it might’ve been-.”_

_Though she couldn’t see the woman’s face, the shuddering of the fabric beneath Pearl’s cheeks told her that a fresh fit of sobbing was all but imminent if she didn’t try to cut her off. “I’m just saying that given Mr. Daver’s…constitution, it could be said that this was a long time-.”_

_“MURDER!” Mrs. Daver finished._

_“Murder?!”_

_“Yes, murder!”  
_

_“Murder,” Incidentally, Pearl’s confusion at this statement served as a merciful distraction from how her head was being pelted by the tears coming down from Mrs. Daver’s six eyes. “Who said this was murder?”_

_“Your companion,” Mrs. Daver sniffed. “The one with the tacky coiffure.”_

_The word ‘companion’ failed to register, but the mention of ‘tacky’ did. “Is that so?”_

_After letting the tentacle-headed mistress of the house cry on her for a few more minutes, Pearl escorted her back to her quarters for some much need rest. Once she was sure Mrs. Daver was sound asleep, Pearl gingerly slipped out of her scaly four-armed hold and made her way downstairs to the receiving room. There, she found Dandy squatting by the corpse, looking it over and occasionally making “hmmm” and “ahhhh” noises as he did so._

_“Why in the world did you tell Mrs. Daver that her husband was murdered?” Pearl asked, certain she wasn’t interrupting anything important._

_“I didn’t say that Calvin here was murdered,” Dandy claimed, his back still to Pearl. “I said that he MIGHT have been murdered.”_

_Pearl slapped her Gem and tried to tell herself that there had been enough death for one day. Probably. “I leave you alone with her for five minutes to find a phone and the moment I come back she’s all over me like lichen on boulders because you told her that Mr. Daver MIGHT have been the victim of foul play. Did I miss anything?!”_

_“Look, I’m as upset as you are with how that went,” Dandy said, turning to look at her. “There I was, ready and open to be her shoulder to cry on and she chooses to latch on to you instead. I mean you didn’t even hug back or nuzzle. Talk about your missed opportunities.”  
_

_Pearl took a deep breath. She didn’t need the air, but it made for an excellent coping mechanism for stress and frustration; one that had gotten a lot of mileage as of late. “Please tell me that was your sole motivation for telling her something so preposterous,” she pleaded. Yes, it was an absurdly distasteful aim and towards one so emotionally vulnerable no less, but if that had been the case, they could call the authorities, answer a few trite questions, and leave before Mrs. Daver had the chance to grab her again. Perhaps Dandy was just scrutinizing the corpse out of some morbid curiosity or to mourn the wulongs he’d never get due to the untimely demise of his bounty. Of course, this still left one little abnormality unexplained. “Where did you get that monocle?”_

_To her horror, but not her surprise, Dandy pointed to the recently deceased in front of him._

_“YOU LOOTED HIS CORPSE?!”_

_“Not all of it. I left the rest of his stuff alone.” Dandy countered. “Besides, it’s the least he can do. I’m going to use it to avenge his untimely death.”_

_Pearl groaned. Over the course of their brief, but terribly eventful association, she had quickly learned that if there was one thing that rivaled Dandy’s love of getting paid or getting ‘lucky’, it was his love of getting even. Thus ‘avenge’ was one of his most favorite verbs, especially when the person he was avenging was himself regardless of how legitimate or imagined the injury actually was. “There’s no way that’s going to happen.”_

_“Sure it can.” Dandy said, tapping the side of the monocle’s frame. “It’s actually pretty cool. This thing’s got a zoom-in feature, infrared, microwave, nightvision, x-ray…whoah, easy, I was kidding about that last one,” he clarified when he saw her cross one arm over her chest and raise the other to strike. “Needless to say, with this little doohickey on my eyeball, finding the killer will be a cinch.”_

_“There is no killer,” she insisted._

_“How would you know?”_

_To make sure that she gutted that question thoroughly, Pearl briefly reviewed the events of the last few hours. Following an anonymous tip, she, Dandy, and QT had come to this planet in search of a rare infamous alien that had dodged every attempt to capture it so far. Upon arriving, they had followed the trail to this address and discovered that their target was one Calvin Daver. Mr. Daver took finally being cornered at ray gunpoint very well and proved to be very graceful and polite in his defeat. He invited them inside, requesting that he be allowed to talk to his wife and partake in one last meal before his “legend ended”; of course his captors would be more than welcome to join him._

_Predictably, Dandy agreed to his proposal. Pearl herself politely declined the offered food and drink – if they were poisoned, that was Dandy’s problem – and waited patiently for the lunch to end so they could get going. At last, having taken his final glass of brandy as an unregistered alien, Mr. Davers waddled over to the room’s mahogany coat rack, grabbed his bowler hat off one of the hooks, put it on his balding feathered cranium, gave them all a warm smile, and then promptly dropped dead on the spot. That had been alarming and would have been just a little bit suspicious if not for the fact that Mr. Daver had been eluding alien hunters for several decades. “Dandy, Calvin Daver was nearly a hundred!”_

_Dandy snorted, forming a poignant and unintentional contrast to his high-class eyewear. “Says the magic lady that’s several thousand years older than that.”_

_“W-Well I certainly don’t look it.” Pearl said with a turn of her nose and an unconscious jut of her hip._

_“So what? This isn’t about you. This is about Calvin. He might actually look his age and yeah, he’s starting to smell a bit burnt, but he deserves to have his murder solved as much as the next posh, extraterrestrial, albatross guy!”_

_“It.Was.Not.MURDER!”  
_

_“Punctuating those words doesn’t make them true. And shame on you for leaving Mrs. Daver all alone. Who knows? She might be next.”_

_Pearl thought back to the seven-foot, well endowed, many-eyed, multi-armed gorgon mistress of the estate whose iron hold she was only able to free herself from after she had fallen unconscious. “I’m pretty sure she can take care of herself.”_

_“How can you be sure about that? About anything?” Dandy asked. “The universe is full of secrets and facades; cons and false fronts; ill-fitting ambiguities for every occasion. The only thing we can be certain of is uncertainty. And my Space Inspector instincts are telling me that the only thing that can pierce through this smorgasbord of deception and lies-.” He stood and turned, pointing a finger in Pearl’s direction, his stolen monocle fiercely glinting in the light as he spun. “-Is a Dandy Eye!”_

_Pearl was almost impressed at how coherent and nigh-thoughtful that had been until the end. “Space Inspector Instincts?”_

_“Yup, from my time as in intergalactic detective.”_

_“Last week you were supposedly a ninja.” Pearl reminded, letting her tone all but state that he had been a rather lousy one at that.  
_

_“I can be both.”_

_Pearl was about to say that he could also be neither, when she heard a faint creaking to her left. When she and Dandy looked to where it had come from, they saw QT, part of him obscured by the door he was hiding behind. “Oh, um, Hi Pearl. Hi Dandy,” he greeted._

_“Finally, someone sensible I can talk to,” Pearl exclaimed. “QT, would you please come in here and help me convince Dandy that he’s being even more ridiculous than usual?”_

_“O-okay.” QT wheeled himself into the room. When he fully exposed himself to his crewmates, Pearl immediately regretted asking him to enter._

_“QT, why are you holding a knife?” Pearl asked as both she and Dandy began to back away from him. Her fists clenched and one of his hands began to drift to where he kept his blaster. Neither were strangers to killer androids or crazed synthetic beings, and the little robot’s reach often belied his diminutive stature._

_“I-it wasn’t me!” QT squealed, waving his hands – and the knife – in front of him. “They were like that when I found them!”_

_“They?” Pearl asked, oblivious to the widening grin on Dandy’s face._

_QT tilted his body forward twice to nod. “While you were getting glomped by Mrs. Daver, Dandy sent me to snoop around for anything suspicious. I thought he was being silly, so I just looked for a phone since the two of you were busy getting hugged and looking at dead bodies,” he whimpered. “And when I finally found one, I tried to call the police, but I couldn’t get a signal because the PHONE LINES HAD BEEN CUT!”_

_“HAH!” Dandy barked. “That right there is a classic sign of a murder mystery in action!”_

_“That doesn’t prove a thing!” Pearl shot back. It just couldn’t be a factor in an era where much more advanced forms of telecommunication were available. “A small rodent could’ve gnawed through it before we got here.”_

_There was a loud autotuned gulp. “A-all of the other phones had their lines cut too.” QT waited for Pearl to counter this piece of information, but she was silent, clearly just as confused as he was. “That’s why I stopped by the kitchen on my way here. C-can’t be too careful, right?”_

_Pearl sometimes forgot how emotional QT could get. It was fascinating really; she hadn’t known many machines that could mimic feelings to such a degree. “QT, we’re going to need you to calm down. You can put the knife away. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”_

_“Except there probably is.” Dandy insisted, causing QT to whimper and regard every door, window, and shadowy crevice with frantic suspicion._

_Wonderful, Pearl thought. Now there was a paranoid robot rolling around the room with a knife. “Why do you want this to be a case of man…bird…manslaughter so badly?” she asked._

_“Two reasons,” One of Dandy’s fingers popped up. “First, the pursuit of truth and justice,” a second finger rose. “Next, there might be a substantial reward for the killer’s capture.”_

_“What if there isn’t a reward?”  
_

_“Then we can keep the murderer in the brig for a few months until one comes around. Give him a little taste of incarceration to prepare him for the celestial Sing-Sing.”  
_

_“Well isn’t that generous of us.” Pearl grumbled. “Too bad that there isn’t an actual criminal to do that to.”_

_Dandy made a pronounced noise of disappointment. “I know we just met, Pearl. But trust me on this. My mind is like a bear trap basted in baby oil, slipping through the cramped labyrinthine crevices of confusion, and never letting go of the truth once it gets its big, pointy, greased up teeth around its ankle.”_

_“That sounds both painful and disgusting,” Pearl said. Though she had to admit, maybe that made it an apt description of Dandy’s headspace after all, sans the finding truth part._

_“Hate on the allegory all you want, but the point still stands. With enough information and time, no mystery’s beyond my ability to solve. Why, with just the few clues available to me right now, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this was murder. Plain and simple.”_

_“Really?” Pearl was about to argue that just about anyone could make the same claim, but thought of an even better way to disembowel Dandy’s latest delusion of brilliance. “So if I gave you enough data, you could figure out the solution to any problem, correct?  
_

_“You got that right. There’s no question I can’t answer.” Dandy said. “See? I just did. Just like that. Easy. So if one ever stumps you, feel free to come to me.”  
_

_“Okay,” Pearl lightly bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from smirking. “What’s the square root of 36,168,196 minus 8?”  
_

_The question had come rather fast, but Dandy thought he got the gist of it. He took the straightforward shreds of information he’d been given and ran them through the electric tunnels of his mind. Synapses buzzed and trembled as they rolled the numbers among them, punting them back and forth to shear off babel and excess. This roughly rounded form of the question was then dunked into the greater reservoirs of his intellect for further distilment and stirred lightly with a silver spoon. He waited a few moments before lifting it out of a vast pool of profane ultra dense cosmic knowledge, a heavy and boiling ocean of information. There, free of impurities and now heavily churned, shining like a disco ball star was the answer. Kind of. Truth be told, that’s just how Dandy envisioned the process going. It was really tiring, but with all that mental strain and lack of distraction, what he came up with during his elaborate fantasy must’ve been right to some degree. And so it was, with a complete lack of shame and a triumphant glimmer in his eye, did he point to Pearl and answered,_

_“The Square Root of 36,168,196 minus 8, of course.”_

* * *

 “I tried to explain, ‘No, I mean, what is 36,168,196 minus 8.” Then he said, ‘I already told you, it’s the square root of 36,168,196 minus 8.’ I tried again, he just said the same thing. I said I wanted the answer, he said that was the answer. I told him I wanted it solved and he said that’s what he did. Then when I told him what it actually was, he goes all indignant on me and says, ‘If you knew what the answer was, then why did you bother asking? Stop wasting time, we’ve got a mystery to solve, baby!’ Simply unbelievable, wouldn’t you agree?” Pearl exclaimed.

Amethyst grunted noncommittally in response. It was unbelievable, deranged, mad even, but having known her for so long, she really shouldn’t have underestimated Pearl’s ability to suck the fun out of pretty much anything. It had started out innocently enough, well, okay, that wasn’t entirely right, but the intent wasn’t explicitly malicious. They had been sailing for a few minutes and things had been quiet. Annoying quiet, Amethyst had thought, but oh how she would do anything to get that back.

Pearl had persisted in gazing at the Aloha-Oe for telltale signs of Dandy trying to escape until Beach City was little more than a blurry outline on the horizon. With nothing left to fixate on and the Slammerhead an indeterminate distance away, she was at a loss. She tried to keep a strong face, perhaps to make up for how hasty and panicked she had been for most of the day, but there was no hiding how fidgety and stressed she felt. Out of boredom, curiosity, and a desire for fresh blackmail material, Amethyst had asked in the gentlest and most concerned tone she could muster, if Pearl wanted to talk about her time with Dandy.

Ideally, Pearl would have tiptoed around the question, Amethyst would have lightly pressed the issue, and Garnet would have assured her that she was among friends and shouldn’t feel the need to hide anything. In her drained and inattentive state, Pearl would let her guard down and then accidentally give away some embarrassing and compromising anecdotes from her short stint as an alien hunter. Amethyst had expected a trickle of information that would gradually grow as time wore on. She had also expected absolute refusal; easy come, easy go. What she hadn’t expected was the flood.

It Came From PLANET MOUTH! That’s what she was going to call the movie. Oh you bet there was going to be a movie. Even if she had to write, direct, produce, star in, film, and distribute it all by herself; there was going to be a movie. If so much as a single person saw it, she’d consider it a success, because Amethyst would know that there was at least someone out there who knew; someone out there who understood the catastrophic monotony that was being trapped on a boat with Pearl and having to listen to her drone on and on and on. Maybe she could trick Connie into screening it.

“I don’t think there’s much to tell, really.” Pearl had said. Famous last words, or to be more accurate, infamous first words. They were just the prelude, the wind-up, the waves pulling away from the shore en masse. “Although, now that you mention it, there was this one time…” was what she said next. That was all the warning Amethyst ever got, because after that one time was another time and another time and another. Before she knew it, she was all ready under, submerged in a torrent of noxious reminiscing.

Conceptually, it shouldn’t have been as bad as it was. Pearl loved space to the point of obsession and from what Amethyst had gleaned from the barrage of self-absorbed yarns, she and Dandy had travelled several parsecs and visited dozens of worlds before they broke up. That was a lot of time and space to have something interesting happen to her, and Amethyst suspected that a lot had. However, that potential was completely wasted in the telling. There was a distinct lack of focus on where they went and what they did, and a heavier emphasis on Pearl expressing her feelings than anything else. Expressing her feelings being a very polite way to phrase that she was endlessly complaining about something Dandy said or did in her presence. Again, this had the makings of something passably entertaining, but that’s where these stories had the tendency to stall. Trying to get Pearl to move on from these points and tell them how the overall misadventure had went resulted in the question reminding her of a totally different episode that she’d immediately jump into.

These tangents that left the stories largely incomplete were far from the only problems with Pearl’s tales of Dandy woe. They had a tendency to jump all across the span of her time on the Aloha-Oe; sometimes prefaced with references, peppered with allusions, and capped off with hints to events that she hadn’t and wouldn’t elaborate on. It was ‘As You Know” ad nauseum, skipping back and forth between the near-beginning and the near-finish with the only consistency being that she wouldn’t tell them how it all started or ended. Amethyst wished she could ask QT about the details Pearl couldn’t – or most likely wouldn’t – give, but the lanky loudmouth had set herself squarely in the middle of the boat, keeping the Crystal Gems and the alien hunters seperated. If either side was to communicate with the other, they’d have to shout over Pearl, which Amethyst had tried to do a few times to get some information out of QT. The robot had tried to answer, but fierce condemning glares from Pearl silenced him whenever he did. Wasn’t that just the way? If Pearl was making an effort keep the lid on her former crewmate, that all but proved that some truly juicy things had happened, but no, they’d be getting none of that if the lanky loudmouth could help it.

However, the biggest offense of all was how Amethyst was apparently the only one suffering under this oratory onslaught. Garnet was too busy trying to use her powers to find the Slammerhead, though she seemed to still be getting a bit of interference from Dandy even at this distance. With no further questions being thrown at him and with all of Pearl’s attentions on her fellow Gems, QT had turned to double-checking and triple-checking his gear; Amethyst suspected that he had a means of switching off his robot ear things or whatever you called them. Meow was fiddling around with his phone, ostensibly to look up information on their target, but he had been smiling way too often for someone who was supposedly working. This left her as the sole member of Pearl’s audience and she had no choice but to listen. What a dark day this was if Pearl’s diatribes were the sounds most worthy of notice, but they were. The waves were dull and the wind was boring, and even if they weren’t, Pearl’s voice would overpower them regardless. Amethyst had settled for trying not to engage Pearl all that much. Being silent had somehow caused her to rant harder, so she came to the conclusion that a few choice and blasé mumbles could ease Pearl back into shutting up and looking dour until they got to the fighting. The pale Gem was all ready winding down from her exhaustive lecture on how to solve the problem she had posited to Dandy and so long as nothing outright provoked her, this could very well be the end of it.

“So was it murder or not?” Meow asked behind her, not looking up.

Amethyst was going to kill him. She would find his neck in that soft, inflated cucumber body of his and get her hands around it the first chance she got.

Shockingly, this didn’t cause Pearl to start talking about something else entirely. “No,” she admitted reluctantly. “Not exactly that.”

“It sort of was though.” QT said.

That got Amethyst’s attention, and incidentally, might have saved QT and Meow’s lives. “Care to explain?” she asked.

“Uh, well, that’s, you could say-,” she trailed off, speechless for the first time in what felt like ages to her shorter compatriot. “The burning smell Dandy mentioned.”

Meow’s eyes never left his phone as he asked, “The one coming off of the dead guy?”

“Yes. That one.” Pearl folded her arms across her chest and looked to the side. If she had bothered to save any money, Amethyst would’ve bet that she was doing this to avoid looking at them than to take a gander at the sea. “It was really odd that he’d smell burnt. Rotten? Maybe. But it hadn’t even been an hour, the inside of the house was nice and cool, and his bowels hadn’t even-.” She grimaced. “-moving on. After we, I mean Dandy, blundered around the house, we thought to reenact Mr. Daver’s final moments.”

“By having me stand in for him.” QT added grumpily. 

“You were about the same size.” 

“You could have shapeshifted.”

Pearl meekly shrugged. “So we taped the monocle to his visor, went through the motions of the meal, and at the end we took – after a bit of arguing – the bowler hat from Mr. Daver’s cold scalp and put it on QT’s head. Then-.”

“I got shot in the face.” QT interrupted.

“Don’t exaggerate, QT. It was just a highly concentrated beam of light fired from the lens.”

“That got shot into my face.” QT stated.

Amethyst moved a few of her bangs away from her eyes as she considered this. “Wait. Why did the monocle start shooting death rays all of a sudden?”

“It was just the one ray.” Pearl said. “And it only went off after QT put the hat on.”

“It nearly fried my circuits!” the robot exclaimed. “I’m only here today because it barely missed my CPU.” 

“Good thing that it did, right?” Pearl gave off a nervous chuckle. “Miss your CPU, I mean,” she clarified. 

“Okay,” Amethyst chewed on this latest revelation. “So the hat causes the fancy eyewear to blast whoever’s wearing them both.” 

Pearl nodded. “What happened to QT happened to Daver. The beam went directly through his eye and into his brain. It was intense and hot enough that it fatally seared through some very essential parts of his grey matter, but it was so quick and slight that none of us noticed it doing so.” 

Hearing about this new and violent dimension to Calvin Daver’s passing brought a grin of morbid anticipation to Amethyst’s lips. “Wow, that’s terrible. Did you find out who set him up? Was it his wife? His best friend? His evil twin?”

“It was Calvin.” Pearl answered stiffly. 

“What.” Amethyst and Meow asked. 

“Yes, that was our reaction as well when we found out.” Pearl said. “Once we made sure QT was still functioning, we confronted Mrs. Daver about the device and she gave us this outrageous story about how Calvin had some terminal disease and wanted to give a bunch of alien hunters the slip one last time before he died. She claimed that they were the ones who sent the anonymous tip that brought us to them so we’d come all the way there just for Mr. Daver to die and leave us confused and penniless.”

“You didn’t believe her, did you?” Meow asked. “She could’ve just made that all up to get away with lasering her beau.”

“No, we didn’t. Why would we? We said that her story just made her even more suspicious and demanded proof. She told us that she didn’t have much except for some receipts for the hat and monocle in her husband’s name…and a handwritten diary whose final entries corroborated with what she said…and a video farewell to her made the previous day that asked that she not hate him too much for designing such an ego-driven end for himself.”

She didn’t sound like she was convinced by the listed evidence and neither was Meow. “Well she could’ve just forged those herself or had some accomplices fake them.”

“If she had accomplices, then the local constabulary, the district attorney, and several judges were among them since they said that Calvin had warned them of what he was supposedly going to do a few weeks in advance.”

Meow whistled. That would’ve been some racket. He turned to QT and asked, “What happened next?” 

QT flicked the brim of his cap up to better look Meow in the eye. “We left. If she was telling the truth, she certainly had a lot of evidence and testimonials backing what she said. And if she wasn’t, eh, it’s not like we could’ve brought her to court what with all the lawyers and justices that supported her story. We didn’t get any reward money, but Dandy considered solving the ‘mystery’ and getting a free meal as a win and called it a day. Never mind the hole in my head,” he bobbed his body in Pearl’s direction. “Thanks for fixing that by the way.” 

“Think nothing of it.” Pearl replied, allowing herself a small smile at those words of gratitude. 

“Hmmm. So either way, whether it was to troll you guys or get his money, someone blew Daver’s mind. What do you know? Dandy was right all along,” she casually pondered out loud in Pearl’s direction.

“That’s one way to look at it.” Pearl said, voice neutral.

“I guess he’s a lot smarter than you gave him credit for.” Amethyst smirked. 

“Smart? Hardly. Witty is what he is. Not intelligent enough to be trusted to do anything useful, but capable of enough thought to irritate.”

Amethyst thought that she could appreciate a level of mental aptitude like that. Then she recognized that a familiar harsh energy had returned to Pearl’s speech.

“Now that you mention it, there was this one time-.”

Amethyst screamed internally. It was starting again. It had been on a decline and would’ve fizzled out, but she had screwed it up. 

“-that Dandy finally got around to washing his filthy wardrobe. The odor was – ugh! – you don’t want to imagine the odor.”

It’d be preferable to this, Amethyst thought.

“Then it transpires that he didn’t have any clothes that weren’t covered in dirt and horrible fluids. Save for a pair of glittery….neon…hotpants.”

To Amethyst’s envy, QT and Meow were back to distracting themselves, uncaring or jaded towards the image of their captain walking around their ship in stretchy short-shorts.

“Naturally, after a few of his pants and shirts come out of the dryer, I ask him to put some clothes on. Then he says, ‘Your wish is my command, baby,’ puts on his jacket…and nothing else. For four straight days, that’s all he wore. Thank goodness we eventually landed on that tundra moon.”

The purple Gem was close, so close to snapping. At this rate, she wasn’t going to survive another stupid story.

“That’s what it all boiled down to. Don’t let that lean physique fool you. Dandy’s a slob and a slacker. A completely undependable louse.”

Amethyst blinked. Was she being serious?

“Can you imagine having to live with such a slovenly deadbeat, Amethyst?”

Maybe she was being serious. Maybe Pearl really was just talking about Dandy. Amethyst felt insulted all the same. “Wow, hey guys, don’t you think the wind’s totally phoning it in today? I say we bring out the oars and show the ocean who’s boss,” she said, taking out one of the Gem Sloop’s paddles. “Whadya say, Garnet?”

“I dunno.” Garnet said. “I think we’re going at a pretty swift pace.”

“And when he isn’t being a lazy bum, he’s a pretentious poser.” Pearl continued, ignoring Amethyst’s suggestion. “Acting like he’s all that, but guess what? He isn’t. No matter how often he wears sunglasses indoors.”

Pearl didn’t notice that Garnet was now staring at her.

“We’re going through an asteroid belt and this is an immense, truly IMMENSE, field of supermassive space rocks. Warp drive’s broken – AGAIN! – QT’s at a loss, I haven’t navigated through something like it in a moon’s age. We defer to Dandy – big mistake, I know – ask him what we should do. And he unfolds his arms for the first time in hours and gestures.” Pearl snapped her fingers and pointed them at Amethyst and Garnet. “That’s it. I thought he was intolerable as a loudmouth, but he was just as bad when he tried ‘playing it cool’ by barely saying anything at all.”

“All right.” Garnet had the mast and sail retract into the boat. She picked up the other oar. “Let’s roll.”

“Initiative. I like that. Very good, Garnet.”

“Actually it was Amethyst’s-.”

“I can certainly tell you about someone who barely has any. Which reminds me of this one time-.”

The sloop was launched into the air where it remained for a few dozen feet.

***SPLASH!***

When it landed, Amethyst and Garnet were all ready digging their paddles into the waves for another row. After their oars had found purchase, they pulled again, propelling them over the waves once more. Due to their days serving on a slipshod spacecraft having acclimated them to such turbulence, Meow and QT were silent.

“-that just ain’t Dandy way, he said. What kind of lurid excuse is tha-?!”

The same couldn’t be said for Pearl, whose droning discourse proceeded unhindered and could still be heard outside of one merciful moment. 

***SPLASH!***

“-sometimes I think I can still smell the-.”

***SPLASH!***

“-none of which would have happened if he hadn’t elbowed that Yeti’s-!” 

***SPLASH!***

“-your fault for putting your tongue there!”

***SPLASH!***

* * *

“So is that a ‘no’ on the multiplayer?”

Steven once asked the Gems why they rarely locked the front door. After all, weren’t they worried about being burgled? Pearl said this was because thieves wouldn’t be able to access the innermost depths of the temple anyway due to how its defenses worked. Before she could finish saying such, Amethyst interrupted and claimed that the fearsome and bodaciously spectacular reputation of the Crystal Gems – and Pearl – was more than enough to keep bandits away via sheer intimidation. As the two bickered, Steven snuck away to get Garnet’s perspective on the matter. When asked, she shrugged and said. “Thieves don’t usually break into places where there’s not much to steal.” She didn’t say any more, but Steven understood what she meant.

The Temple was huge and grand, but its protracted existence for several millennia had caused the people of the surrounding counties to grow largely ambivalent of it. As far as they or any burglar knew, there was nothing to see there; just a trio, formerly quartet, of strange angry hermit ladies that didn’t like people very much. And the house, a fairly new addition to the structure, wouldn’t have been a very appealing target either. Honestly, what was there to take? An old TV, some rundown furniture, a couple of well-worn game consoles, a few books, and a number of tacky knickknacks. Hardly the score of the century, and more easily procured from domiciles within the town itself where you didn’t have an ocean in the way of your potential escape if things went pear-shaped.

The Crystal Gems didn’t even really have any money, certainly not enough to constitute a substantial horde. Their disposable income that wasn’t stuffed into piggy banks or stuck between the couch cushions came from several smart long-term investments Pearl and Rose had made over the years just in case they’d ever need human currency. These profits went into paying the bills and rarely made their way into any of their wallets.

True, there was a number of dangerous Gem artifacts and devices in their possession, but practically nobody knew about those. And even if they did, they were help deep within the recesses of the Temple. Ergo protected by what Pearl and Amethyst believed were the primary deterrents to stealing from them. So for the longest time, Steven felt perfectly safe in the open confines of the house.

Until today, because the man on the lower deck of his home wasn’t there to try and break into the Temple or make off with the refrigerator. If Pearl had been telling the truth, Dandy was here for him specifically. With the Gems gone and him trapped indoors by the very barricades they set up to keep Dandy out, the distance to the warp pad seemed to double in Steven’s eyes. “D-Dandy, hey. What’s up?” Steven put down the controller. “How’d you do that?”

Much to his relief and confusion, Dandy was more fixated on looking around the darkened interior of the house than kidnapping him. “Ship’s got a built-in teleporter,” he explained, leafing through one of Steven’s discarded comics. “Say, there a light switch around here? All this poor illuminations starting to get me down,” When his host didn’t answer right away, he turned to look in his direction to see that the boy was halfway down the steps leading up to his bed. “You hungry, Steven? You’re rubbing your stomach a whole lot.”

“Oh that’s just because of-.” Steven rubbed the fabric atop his Gem a little faster, a little harder. If he could activate his shield, he wouldn’t need to get to the warp pad. He could hide out in his bubble until Gems came back. But it just wasn’t coming. He was in danger wasn’t he? Dandy hadn’t attacked him yet, but he was capable of it. Though even if he did manage to get it up, how long would he need to wait for the others? What if they never returned? What if Dandy had a way to break through his barrier? What would stop him from teleporting into his bubble to nab him? Or maybe he’d just teleport them back to his ship. Was it even broken? Pearl said Dandy wasn’t to be trusted, what if he was lying about it not being able to fly? “-it’s just a little indigestion.” His hand fell away and he tried to will his weapon into existence. No luck. “I am a little hungry though. Why don’t you look in the fridge and see if there’s anything there for us to munch on?” 

Blinded by the promise of free grub, Dandy didn’t see this for the diversion that it was and set the comic down on the table. “I am feeling a little peckish…” he said as he made for the kitchen. “Though maybe you should go easy on the snacks if you’re stomach’s giving you the runaround.” 

A sudden growl stopped him in his tracks.

Steven’s own careful shuffling towards the warp pad came to a halt when he saw Lion awake and staring intently at Dandy. The animal’s features were impassive, but the way he was posed on all fours, head low and hind legs coiled to spring, hinted at an imminent and very feral pounce. Steven bit his lip. Just because he didn’t want Dandy to capture him, that didn’t mean he wanted the guy to get eaten by Lion. Thankfully, that hadn’t happened yet. Lion appeared to be sizing Dandy up, trying to determine if he was due for a thorough mauling. The alien hunter would be fine if he didn’t make any sudden moves or do anything stupid. Like walking to where Lion was, the heavy footfalls of his metallic soles setting the feline further on edge. Or squatting in front of the big cat to look it in the eye, effectively putting a very big and growingly agitated animal in a corner. 

“And a good day to you, your majesty.” Dandy greeted in his horribly close and vulnerable position. “Didn’t see you skulking over here. My fault.” Lion continued to growl in spite of this apology. 

“I don’t think you should get that close to him, Dandy.” Steven warned. He was so close to the warp pad now. A few more yards and he’d be able to escape to, well, a desolate and dull location of his choice. “You did try to shoot him earlier.” 

“That’s practically ancient history, kid. You gotta learn to put that stuff behind you. He tried to kill me, I tried to kill him, he ended up attacking Meow and got half a pizza. Everybody won, Besides, if I was too far away, I couldn’t give him this.” he said as he reached into his jacket. Lion snarled at the gesture, tail whipping dangerously behind him. Carefully, Dandy pulled out a small stick topped with a thick plume of white fluff. “Check it out, big fella,” he said, wagging the miniature feather duster in front of the much less angry Lion. “And that’s not all.” Dandy took both ends of the cat wand and snapped it in the middle. The sudden harsh sound caused Lion to flinch, but instead of breaking, the toy started to give off a brilliant golden glow. To Lion’s further astonishment, the glimmer travelled all the way up to the wand’s tuft of feathers. “Pretty neat, huh?” Dandy asked as the billowy bundle of bristling light arrested Lion’s attentions. Steven was relieved to see his animal companion relax his stance and retract his claws. 

Dandy set the glowing wand on the floor, but didn’t let go. He slowly moved it left and right in wide delicate arcs. Lion’s eyes followed the fluffy bulb of light, entranced by the miniature spectacle. The tip of the wand brushed against some of his toes and finding the sensation pleasant, Lion gently brought a paw down to catch it. However, the moment Lion’s paw was about to connect with the wand, Dandy quickly flicked it, causing him to barely miss his target. Lion tried again, carefully watching the wand’s position before he swiped at it, only for Dandy to move it away at the last second once more. He giggled at Lion’s third failed attempt and began to erratically alter the speed of his sweeps. As he waited to thwart the cat’s next effort, he didn’t notice that Lion was no longer looking at the wand, but at him. 

Lion studied Dandy’s pleased expression. He looked down at Dandy’s hand, the one waving the wand around, and squinted. Then he started to lift his paw, lifted it higher than he had during his past attempts. He pulled it back as far he could, leaning into it with his torso to bring it up even further. Then he brought it down and slapped Dandy hard on the face and across the room. 

***CRASH***

“Hrrrk…” Miraculously, Dandy failed to hit any furniture as he was sent tumbling towards the other side of the house, though the sound of splintering wood indicated that he had caused significant damage to the wall he had crashed into. “Clever…cat…jerk…cat,” he groaned. 

Seeing the man he had been so afraid of moments before upside-down and dazed, Steven couldn’t help but laugh, though he did his best to stifle it. 

“That’s just plain cruel, kid.” Dandy reprimanded groggily, but what he said next was peppered with notes of dark cheer. “Though I’d probably do the same if this had happened to somebody else,” he admitted as he started to awkwardly kick out with his upturned legs. 

“What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to get back up,” Dandy answered, attempting another kick. “It’s no good. I think I might be stuck.”

“Do you need any help?”

“Nah. I’ve pulled myself out of tighter spots than this.” Dandy winked. He braced his feet and hands against the wall and pushed, pulling himself free of the wall, but leaving a small hole where his rear had been lodged. “Well,” he said as he got up. “At least we finally got some sunshine in here. Seriously, you guys should really think about investing in a skylight.” 

Steven imagined having one of those in the house and he liked what he thought. “That idea doesn’t sound half bad actually,” he stole a glance at Lion, who had taken Dandy’s glowing cat wand in his mouth as he moved it back and forth with his lips like a luminescent makeshift metronome. “I could try getting that back for you, if you like.” 

“Eh, it’s fine,” Dandy assured him as he rubbed his slapped cheek. “It was one of Meow’s anyway.”

“Oh.”

While he clearly didn’t see anything wrong with taking one of his crewmate’s possessions without asking, Dandy was quick to recognize Steven’s light dismay at him doing so. “Don’t make such a big deal out of it, Steven. He’s got like a thousand of them stashed around the ship. Besides, I don’t think he’ll want it back now that it’s covered in lion spit.”

“I guess that kinda makes it okay.” Steven said as Lion continued to play with the toy unabated. At least he seemed to be having fun. “Soooooo…um, what brings you here to…the…Crystal Temple? Sh-shouldn’t you be with Pearl and the…uh…others right now?” he asked stiffly, mentally reminding himself that he was just a few feet away from the warp pad if the answer was, ‘TO CAPTURE YOU!’

The response was nothing so succinct. “Well you see, an hour or so ago I got locked in my ship. Couldn’t use any of the exits. At first, I didn’t really mind, less work for me after all. I watched a little TV, but it wasn’t long before I got bored. I thought I’d maybe fire up the old teleporter and beam my way into town for a bit, but then I realized that I didn’t know the locale very well. I gave it a little thought and quickly deduced who’d make for the perfect guide,” he said, pointing to Steven.

“Guide?” Steven had to admit, that sounded a lot better than prey or meal ticket, but it was a lot more confusing. “Why me?”

“Steven, no offense to your Beach City, but little coastal burgs like these are notorious tourist traps, carefully designed to suck a wallet dry until there’s nothing left. To get the most out of my time here I need someone I know, someone I can trust. Someone…like you. ‘Steven Universe,’ I thought to myself. ‘There’s a Gem with a heart of gold. He must know his way around here. He won’t steer you wrong.’ So how about it? I’ll make it worth the trouble.” Dandy offered.

Steven tried not to feel too bad at Dandy’s accusations of honesty. Not telling him the reason he had gotten trapped in the Aloha-Oe wasn’t actually a lie, was it? “If you need someone you know, why don’t you try asking Pearl to show you around when she gets back?”

Dandy shifted his feet, his boots making the subtle motion ring loud and obvious through the house as they scraped across the wooden floor. “Yeah…as nice as she was last time I saw here, I’m pretty sure she still hates my guts.” 

“Don’t take that too personally. She hates intestines in general.” 

“Ain’t that the truth?” Dandy snickered at remembering that particular hang up of Pearl’s. “Though she’s probably not a big fan of the rest of me either.” 

“Why though?”

Dandy’s slouched frame perked up at the question. “She still hasn’t told you?” Steven shook his head. “Figures…you do want to know, don’t you?”

“I guess that’d be neat.” Steven tried to say casually, remembering that earnestness hadn’t worked so well in getting answers from Pearl.

“Not really feeling the enthusiasm from you, but I think it’d still be healthy if I got some of this off my chest,” Steven would’ve been jumping up and down if doing so wouldn’t break his bluff. At last, some answers! “To my trusted tour guide.”

“Oh come on!” Steven demanded, breaking character.

“Heh, so you do care.” Dandy noted. “I’ll tell you what, you show me around town for an hour or two and I’ll tell you all about my previous adventures. Some of them even involve Pearl.” 

“This is extortion!” Steven accused with a little too much seriousness.

“It’s business, kid.” Dandy said. “If you really don’t want to know, that’s no skin off my back.” 

“Yeah? Well…well why don’t I just ask Pearl about them later?” he challenged.

“You really think she will if you do? She’s managed just fine without telling either you or her Gem pals for eight years.” Dandy reminded, not even looking at Steven as he closed his eyes and rested the top of his index finger to his forehead. “And given how touchy she is about the subject, you just know that the few morsels of info she’ll let you have will be biased, incomplete, or worse, untrue. Whereas I’d be more than happy to talk the talk.”

“Hmmm…” Steven gave this some thought. If he turned away Dandy now, would that mean that he’d have to wait another eight years to get some answers from Pearl? Or would she simply feel no need to give any once Dandy had left? He didn’t think he could deal with not knowing for another day, much less another near-decade. So after a bout of pensive pacing back and forth, Steven said. “Okay! Consider yourself the recipient of the first ever Steven Universe Super Tour! Beach City Edition.”

“Awesome!” Dandy cheered. “Let’s start by you finding us a way out of this creepily fortified house.” 

“Why don’t you just teleport us out of here?”

“I don’t want to stress the Aloha-Oe’s energy reserves any more than I gotta. ‘Sides,” he sniffed. “The teleporter’s got a couple of kinks we haven’t quite hammered out yet.”

“What kind of kinks?”

“The kind that pops you 50 stories up from where you wanted to go or gets you stuck in a wall.”

“Yeesh.” Steven grimaced. “A regular break-out it is then.”

“We could try widening the crack I made with my butt.” Dandy suggested. “Got any spare crowbars or battering rams lying arou-!”

***CRACK!***

Both Steven and Dandy jumped at the sound and they turned to its source just in time to see a pink leg and tail slink out of a formerly boarded up window.

“Your lion pal’s got the right idea!” Dandy made his way to the freshly made opening. “Hang on a sec, Steven.” He said as he started to use the metal soles of his boots to sweep away the shards of glass from the sides and bottom of the ruined frame. “I’ll head out first, clear out a path. Shards of glass getting under your toes and between your feet and slippers can hurt like hell.”

As Dandy swung himself over to the other side, Steven took a look at the Warp Pad. A few steps to the right, and he’d be on it. He could flee with Dandy being none the wiser. He’d be safe, if ignorant. It’s what Pearl would’ve wanted. 

“Yo Steven! Way’s all clear. You coming?”

Pearl would probably be cross with him if he did, but from a certain point of view, it was technically her fault that Dandy even had the chance to offer him the opportunity. She had failed to keep him witlessly contained, and she wouldn’t want him causing havoc in Beach City if it could be helped. He was practically doing her a favor when he approached the alien hunter and said. “Right behind you, Dandy!” 

“Great,” Dandy said as he helped Steven climb out the window. “So about that meal. Any good grub in this town?”

“Well…”

* * *

“Buildings.” 

“Families.”

“Buildings!”

“Families!”

“BUILDINGS!!!”

“FAMILIES!!!”

“What are you two even doing?” Pearl asked. Ever since Garnet’s restored powers had led them to this spot on the ocean, QT and Meow had been yelling these words to each other nonstop.

QT was the first to answer. “All the data collected on Slammerheads so far strongly suggest that they attack towns so much because they’ve got a taste for ravaging and looting them specifically. Ergo, buildings would make for the perfect bait.”

“Ergo?” Meow spat. “Do you know how pretentious you sound right now? Besides, that data’s got holes in it bigger than the craters these creeps leave behind. I’ve got it on good authority that Slammerheads have a huge crave-on for breaking up families so that the resulting widows, widowers, and orphans try to hunt them down. Then they kill them too. For sport.” 

“That’s dumb.” 

“No dumber than yours.”

“What rumor mill did you scrape this info out of?” 

“Several ask blogs of people who suffered the loss of a loved one to a Slammerhead attack. All of which stopped updating when they each said they were going to go after the beasts that destroyed their families.” 

“They might have just been RP-ing.”

“None of the disclaimers said so!”

Pearl grit her teeth. “Irregardless of how dumb either of your ideas for bait are, what does they have to do with those snow globes you’ve been shoving into one another’s faces?” she asked,

The two alien hunters raised their trinkets to give Pearl a better look at them. Meow’s globe had small plastic family playing in the city plaza while QT’s had a miniature model of Beach City amidst a whirl of hokey white flakes. “We got them at a gift shop while we waited for you guys to get back.” QT explained. 

“That doesn’t really answer my question.” 

“I thought Dandy would’ve told you while we were busy lifting the Aloha-Oe.” Meow said.

“You mean while WE were lifting it.” Amethyst corrected, making sure Meow saw her grip her oar menacingly. 

“We kinda loosened it.”

“Barely.” Garnet said as she put her own paddle away.

“Whatever,” the Betelgeusian grumbled. “Anyway, Slammerheads have a weird sense of depth perception. Because it doesn’t take them much time to go from being really far away from their target as they position themselves in orbit to actually colliding with what they want to squash, they don’t really understand the concept of distance,” he pulled back the paw holding his snow globe family. “So they’ve got a tendency to think that something’s far away,” Meow suddenly thrust the globe as close to Pearl’s face as he could manage from where he sat. “When it’s actually just tiny.”

The Gem remained skeptical. “And you’ll just reel it in on the off chance it goes after your souvenirs.”

“I don’t see why not.” QT said, fiddling with his rod. “They’re Leviathan-class poles made with nano-diamondglass fabrication techniques. And we’ve almost kinda practically caught bigger lunkers than most see or nab in their lifetimes.”

“But you didn’t actually catch any of those.” Pearl pointed out.

“Details, details,” Meow said. “Our last near success was literally a once in a blue moon kind of deal. Compared to that, bringing in this wall-eyed dimwit will be a cinch,” a clawed thumb popped out of his fuzzy paw and gestured to the sea behind him. “I mean it’s just somewhere down there, right?”

“Yup. At the bottom.” Garnet said, strapping a pair of goggles over her eyes and around her hair. “The very bottom.”

Meow took a second, more careful look over the edge of the sloop, and saw that the water’s clearness only went so far. A great dimness pervaded the rest. “I can’t even see the regular bottom,” he noted, suddenly thankful for all the extra line QT had insisted they bring along 

“That’s why we're leaving the two of you on the boat.” Pearl said. “Neither of you would be able to reach the Slammerhead, let alone see it in all this murk.”

“That’s okay.” QT said. “I might be made of metal, but I’m actually pretty buoyant.”

“And I hate water.” Meow stated.

Amethyst wasn’t about to give the space cat’s latest hypocrisy a pass. “Then why didn’t you just stay at the beach instead of bumming a ride to a place covered with the stuff?”

“Same reason Dandy was gonna,” Meow began. “If the Slammerhead manages to recover and get away from us, I’d rather be as far away from Beach City as possible, if you catch my drift.”

Pearl didn’t want to admit how depressingly prudent this cowardly move was. So she didn’t. “How gallant of you.”

“Cut me some slack. I’m a survivor, not a fighter. Certainly not a swimmer,” And even if he was one, Meow didn’t say. He wouldn’t chance a wet stroll through the merciless primordial melting pots of any world. “That said, how are you guys gonna get down there? I know you don’t need to breathe, but it’ll take forever to swim it.”

Amethyst leapt off the side of the boat and into the water with a shout, free at last. “Wooo!” When she emerged, she smiled at Meow amidst a dusky fibrous pool of her own hair. “Maybe for a Gem,” her form became concealed by a robust purple glow. When it vanished, there was a violet smarmy dolphin in her place. “But not for a fish! Akakakaka!” 

“Dolphins are mammals.” QT said.

Pearl sighed as Amethyst guiltlessly flipped and leapt amongst the waves, heedless of this simple fact. “Well that’s more or less the idea. Amethyst and I will go down there in the forms of swift aquatic wildlife to find our mark.”

“What about Garnet?” QT asked, seeing that the crimson Gem had stood up, arms to her sides, her gaze forward and fixed. Then she took a small deliberate hop out of the sloop and sank like an anvil.

“Oh.”

* * *

 “Damn it.” Dandy swore. Steven winced as the man tugged at the light gun’s cable to try and find a better angle to fire.

Showing Dandy around town had proven to be a little trickier than Steven had anticipated. The biggest difficulty of course, was that he had to stop Dandy from coming within detailed seeing range of the Aloha-Oe, lest he spot what the Gems had done to it. Dandy had parked it a considerable distance from and between the Crystal Temple and the boardwalk, effectively barring a large swath of the Beach from use. Steven had to convince him to take a more scenic route, which was made even longer by his having to avoid his father’s carwash. He wasn’t about to let him find out he was half-Gem now that he knew he was ignorant of that fact.

Restricting as all this was, there were still a number of landmarks and shops available to them; a good thing to, since as laidback as he tried to look, Dandy was a rather restless individual. Thankfully, Beach Citywalk Fries was one such establishment. Mr. Fryman and Peedee were as courteous as always and took Dandy’s presence and fanciful introduction in stride. Coupled with a generous helping of fry bits, it looked like the first stop of the Steven Universe Super Tour was going to be a complete success.

Then Ronaldo showed up. Shoving his father and kid brother side, he reached over the counter and yanked Dandy towards him by the shirt. Steven could still hear him now, _“I remember you! You’re the little yellow robot’s ornamental meat slave from the beach!”_ he had exclaimed with desperate elation. _“What’s its endgame?! Who is it working for?! Where are the rest of his fellow infernal machines hiding?! If you’ve got a mind vice stopping you from answering or an injected nanobomb that will explode if you say certain things, BLINK ME THE INFORMATION IN MORSE! OR BINARY! EITHER’S FINE!”_

An initially shocked and then gradually irked Dandy didn’t answer or blink. Instead he flicked Ronaldo’s glasses off his nose and into the deep fryer, grabbed the bags of bits, and ran off while yelling, _“Blink on that, weirdo!”_ Unable to think of anything else to do, Steven followed suit minus the jeer, dreading how much of a nightmare this was going to be on his credit.

They pointlessly continued running down the boardwalk for a few more minutes until Steven had them double back and duck into the Funland Arcade. _“We can hang around here until the heat dies down,”_ he had said. _“And have a little fun while we wait.”_

Dandy was all too eager to partake in what the arcade had to offer and even used several of his recently earned fivers to get them some quarters. He proceeded to acquit himself admirably in every cabinet and game he tried, much to Steven’s astonishment.

The young Gem marveled at the first 200-hit Teens of Rage combo he had ever seen.

_“Holy cow! N. Jinson was a cyborg the whole time!”_

_“Yowch! Dude’s head popped off like a zit on homecoming!”_

He joyously cringed at the unprecedented path of destruction Dandy carved out in Road Killer.

_“Awesome! Monster Truck Power-Up!”_

_“They’re gonna need eight lanes to contain THIS!”_

And he was wowed by his dancing prowess being more than a match for Rhythm Psycho’s toughest levels.

_“I can’t believe it! You’re the new Hitchcock of the Walk!”_

_“Dial ‘D’ for Dandy, baby!”_

He didn’t even mind that Dandy was earning more tickets since the guy just gave him all his winnings anyway. And as reams of papery triumph flowed from the redemption games like root beer from a broken soda fountain, Steven was of the mind that Phase Two of the tour was coming along nicely. Then they hit a snag at Dead Manors: Condoverkill. Like the cannibalistic domiciles that littered the game, this arcade shooter was eating up their tokens with rabid fervor. Or rather, they were feeding it quarters every other minute because Dandy seemed incapable of actually hitting anything.

It wasn’t like Dandy wasn’t trying, if anything, he was trying too hard. He kept tilting the plastic pistol at odd angles, jerked his arms in all manner of directions, pulled back from the screen, then went as close to the screen as he could; all in service of getting a better shot. He was currently using the game’s two controllers to dual wield against the game’s second boss, a sluggish bloodsucking barn whose broadside weakpoint managed to avoid getting hit despite its large bloated size and Dandy’s additional weapon. When it was close enough so that it was completely filling their view, Count Barncula opened its fanged doors wide before slamming them shut, sending a purple splotch across the screen, and robbing Dandy of both of his final lives.

“Looks like you bought the FARM, Agent of D.E.D.” the game mocked. “Continue?”

Dandy roared and rapidly fired his twin pistols at the screen, causing the descending numerals to crash down to zero.

 

**GAME OVER**

**The Department of Exotic Demolitions has fallen to the forces of Unreal Estate…**

“Awww…” Steven moaned. “That was the last of our tokens.”

“I didn’t see you helping.”

“You took my controller.” 

“Oh right. My bad.” Dandy returned the two light guns to the cabinet’s holsters with a hard shove. “Eh, game was totally unrealistic anyway. Everything was on rails. I couldn’t even take cover. Now if I was allowed to do any of my finely honed advanced firefight techniques, things would have ended very differently.”

“Advanced firefight techniques?’ Steven gasped. “Could you show me some?”

“Get me a few bottles and cans and I’ll do more than show you.”

Steven was more than happy to comply and after riffling through some vacated tables and burgeoning trashcans, they had several pungent and somewhat sticky bottles at their disposal. They took these motley containers out to the beach where they placed them atop a busted pet crate that Dandy had found discarded on a nearby curb. With their improvised firing range all set up, Dandy led them a little over a dozen yards away. Then he turned around, feet and arms set apart, his fingers twitched hungrily for something to grab. Steven held his breath.

Suddenly, Dandy dove forward, rolling across the sand and into a kneeling position, his ray gun at the ready.

“Armadillo!”

He whipped out his blaster, pulling its trigger in the middle of the swing.

“Vaunted!" 

He fanned the firearm’s nonexistent hammer no less than seven times.

“Stardust Six Shooter!”

He tossed the weapon into the air and bounced it back into his hand with his foot.

“Ow-ow-ow-ow! Erm-Hacky Zap! Nailed it.”

He leapt sideways and aimed midair.

“Doctor Dove!”

And no true display of gunshowmanship would be complete without:

“Gangsta Style!”

Steven applauded. “That was great!” he said. “But why didn’t you actually fire your ray gun?

“Just saving all the ammo for you, big guy.” Dandy explained as he lobbed the blaster to Steven. 

“Whuh?” Steven asked, barely catching it. “Me?”

“Sure. You were mowing down emo architecture like a fiend back in the arcade.”

“That was with video game lasers.”

“And now you get to fire one for real. Lucky you.” Dandy boasted.

Steven thought to tell Dandy that had actually fired a laser before, but feared that this wouldn’t discourage him in the slightest. Then again, why not give it a try? Live out every cowboy, mobster, space marine fantasy he’d ever had with a couple of free shots? He was curious as to what firing beams would be like outside of virtual reality and it couldn’t have be all too different from using his mom’s cannon. Granted, it was a lot smaller, lighter, and more fragile, but the underlying principle ought’ve been the same. “All right. So what’s basic way to fire this?” 

“Basic? You don’t need basic. Just skip right to the good stuff I showed you.”

“Shouldn’t I work my way up to that first? Start with a more…normal firing stance?”

Dandy chuckled and shook his head. ‘Steven, the thing about that boring old firing stance is that when you use it, people expect you to always hit your target because of how much accuracy it allegedly gives you. So no one’s very impressed when you succeed and if you miss, you look and feel like an idiot because you had everything going for you. Take a chance to do something a little riskier and more awesome, and then everyone will think you won’t actually hit your mark, but if you do, it’ll be absolutely amazing. It’s simple math, kid. And if you’ve seen Pearl fight at least once, then you really can’t rag on me for my love of dramatics.”

Steven couldn’t deny that Pearl and the other Gems did seem to enjoy posing a whole lot and he thought that Dandy’s reasoning was kind of deep and sensible in a really bizarre and roundabout way. But he also thought of how painful blowing his foot off would be if he did the Hacky Zap wrong. ‘I’d still like to start with the basics please.”

“Have it your way; feet apart, hands on the blaster, shooting arm straight, not shooting arm not so straight, knees bent. Bang Bang.” He quickly acted out each step with palpable disinterest.

Steven mimicked his movements and asked, “Am I doing it right?”

“Possibly, maybe, I wouldn’t really know. I don’t use it that much.” Dandy said apathetically. “Ah, almost forgot,” he snatched the ray gun out of Steven’s hands, popped open a compartment on its stock and slid two metal cylinders into it before snapping the lid shut. “Fresh batteries.” He gave the fully charged firearm back to the kid and switched his attentions to the faraway targets. “Fire when ready, Mr. Universe!”

Steven settled back into position. He now felt calm and confident enough to attempt the shot. He closed an eye and pointed the blaster to a jumbo mouthwash bottle at the center of the lineup. As he was about to fire, Steven recalled that Dandy hadn’t actually taught him how to aim with this thing and there was a question he had seen in a lot of action movies that he had forgotten to ask.

“How do I turn the safety off?”

“What’s a safety?”

***ZAP!** *

It is a really bad idea to give an underage youth something like a loaded ray gun. Note that “Like” and “Loaded” are meant to be the two key words in that sentence. Perhaps some might think that “You shouldn’t give weapons to underage youths at all” would be the finer statement, but through strange coincidence or the depraved orchestrations of some demented entity, objects of great power did have a habit of coming into the possession of those barely old enough to drink. Maybe they were rooting through the family attic or exploring a derelict location surrounded in local superstition. The long and short of it is, child finds thing, thing turns out to be a receptacle of might, and then child has to struggle with what to do with it while dealing with their own personal hang-ups. 

Enchanted swords, cursed talismans, ancient books, eldritch trading cards, magic wands, and giant robots are among the sort that will forever change that young man or woman’s life and most likely get them hunted by interested parties. Many of these items have infinitely more destructive power than a simple over-the-counter ray gun, but they are still not as dangerous due to several informal ingrained safeguards. For one, they’re hard to come by. Even if you took out the whole “chosen one” factor, not every gangly teen or molting prepubescent is going to have access to Frisbees that can shatter moons. Next, even if there was an endemic of violent godlike pets and railgun robot pals that people would set against one another, collateral damage be damned, there is still a small, but palpable delay between giving the command and having it obeyed. This leads to the final and most significant of these protections, conscious action. Casting a spell, firing up the 8th hyper state of your atom slicer, or even pressing a button to unleash your personal colossi’s ultimate attack takes a modest measure of concentration and thought. While none of these completely eliminate the object’s hazards, they made it so that you’d actually have to try to kill yourself with them.

Contrast those qualities to how ray guns can be purchased fairly easily. You could get one from a vending machine if you were in a rush. Then there are the many thousands of years of research and painful trial and error poured into the pursuit of accurate and expedient eradication, aka closing the gap between pointing at something and making it dead. While the resulting discharges had gotten faster and more deadly, the simple trigger persisted as the most practical method of bridging that gap. Pulling the trigger is easy and there lies the real issue. A finger twitch in the hierarchy of thought out motions is but a miniscule tier above a muscle spasm; a lobbed off arm can do one if you run enough electricity through it. Alien Hunters also made it a point to make the firing mechanism as sensitive as possible in case they needed to make a quick shot. Dandy putting in fresh batteries removed the last of the firearm’s all ready meager failsafes. 

So despite what the man said, Steven had every right to be nervous about hurting others or himself with the device. Though accidentally squeezing the trigger might not have been all that disastrous if he had been warned about the blaster's recoil. Of course, he hadn’t, so when his bewilderment towards Dandy’s ignorance of what a safety was caused him to involuntarily pull the trigger, the kickback nearly took him off his feet.

“AUGH!” 

“Ow, missed it by a mile.”

The shock he experienced from this made him squeeze the trigger again, releasing another brilliant blue beam of death.

“WHOAH!”

“It’s cool, third time’s the charm.”

Adrenaline and a growing sense of panic made it impossible for him to think of anything else to do, let alone stop, leaving his body no choice but to fire again.

“EHHH!”

“That one came pretty close actually. Keep it up.”

And again. 

“AHHHH!”

“The bottles, not the crate, kid.”

And again, with Steven feeling his grip loosening with each shot, barely clinging onto the pistol by his finger. So when it finally did slip out of his hands, he wasn’t surprised so much as utterly horrified. Had the ray gun landed in cushiony sand, those fears would’ve been frivolous. Instead, the back of the weapon fell on the surface of a very hard seashell, putting sudden unwelcome stress on the gun’s shoddily assembled insides and causing it to bounce and fire with reckless abandon.

“Watch out, Dandy!”

Steven rushed to tackle him to the ground and ideally out of the death ray dealer’s sights.

“Get down, kid!

Disastrously, Dandy had the same idea. They ran into one another hard though Steven proved to be the greater force, taking himself and Dandy off their feet. Within moments of them being sent sprawling on the sand, Dandy clutched Steven close to his chest and rolled over so that the boy was between him and the ground. Panic at not being able to see was swiftly overtaken by the realization that Dandy was trying to shield him with his back. He felt something in his belly twist at the notion.

The sounds of laser gunfire were abruptly muffled, but didn’t stop for a full minute. When the shooting finally died down, Steven felt Dandy loosen his hold and pull himself off of him. “You okay, Steven?” he asked as he got up to stand.

Steven took a few deep breaths before saying, “I think so.”

“Great. Whew. Great…On that note, did you do this?” he asked, tapping on something solid behind him.

Steven then noticed that they were surrounded by translucent pink. “Yeah, it’s…it’s one of my powers,” he acknowledged, bewildered that they had suddenly activated after his lack of success back at the house. “I can create shields and bubble barriers.”

Dandy whistled. “Handy,” he ran his fingers over the inner curvature of the bubble. It was smooth and comfortably warm to the touch. “Smart of you to throw it up when you did.”

“Well you did try to protect me first.”

“I’d hold off on the gratitude if I were you.” Dandy warned. “From what I saw while I was covering you up, that cruddy blaster of mine just kept firing upwards and no place else.”

“That’s…that’s good.” Steven said, morbidly disappointed that the lack of actual mortal peril made their attempts at heroism largely unnecessary.

“Hey, don’t get all mopey on me, dude. It still takes serious cajones to put yourself between a laser bolt and some guy you just met.” Dandy was pleased to see this bit of praise chase away the beginnings of Steven’s pout.

“Aw, it was nothing,” he tried to say modestly. “Hey, now that your gun’s stopped firing lasers, I’ll get us out of here so we can continue with the tou-.”

***THUNK!** *

They looked up and saw that a small charred object had landed atop the roof of the dome. It slid down the force field, leaving behind a grimy streak of soot. Along the way, its form unfurled to reveal that it was in the possession of a crispily friend wing and the ashen remains of an orange beak. “What the hel-?” The came a second thud, then a third, followed by a fourth, a fifth, and so on, mostly on or around Steven’s growingly useful barrier.

“Maybe you should hold off on popping your bubble, Steven. At least until it stops raining dead seagulls.”

***THUNK!** *

“And pelicans.”

* * *

_The fall and the sudden stop was more than the string could take. Thinned and weary from a day of violent tribulation, it snapped and fell away, taking Dandy’s bogus beard with it. The many glow sticks glued and tied into its fibers created a vibrant multicolored vortex as it spiraled after the grav-cuffs he had managed to slip out of. Even as he desperately clung to the edge of the plank, straining against the pull of the chains that bound his legs, Dandy still found it in himself to feel somewhat sorry to see the bedazzled prop get torn apart by the unrelenting torrential nimbuses of Planet Maelstrom._

_Not so much that he wanted to share its fate though. He steeled himself for what he had to do next, grit his teeth, and used every ounce of his remaining strength to pull himself back onto the plank. His limbs scrambled to grasp at the narrow width of the platform so they could anchor the rest of his efforts to board. Alas, the weight of the chains caught up with him and he barely managed to get his chest over before further progress became impossible. He groaned upon feeling the plank’s edge dig into his solar plexus, where it would remain unless he got his second wind or gave up and let go. Trapped, short of breath, he lifted his head away from the faux-mahogany he clutched on the off chance that his fortunes had changed and the guy that had pushed him over it had spontaneously combusted in the interim. The untarnished tie-dye greatcoat and the intact space pirate inside of it told him that Vlak Vart was still very much alive. He hadn’t even moved, and now he was laughing at him. Dandy hated being laughed at._

_“Ohhhhh ha ha. Do excuse me, ‘Glowbeard’, but ay was bracing myself for Act Two of yur daring escape,” he explained in his whatever-it-was accent. “To my pleasant surprise and mild disappointment, it seems like yu couldn’t go all the way with it.”_

_“Still…holding…on…aren’t I?”_

_“Yee, but fur how much longer?” Vart’s smoke-grey lips parted to flash Dandy an unfriendly, rhinestone-encrusted grin. “This hasn’t been a very gud day fer yu, has it? Yu lost yur ship, yu lost yur crew, yu lost yur stupid lookin’ parrot, yu lost yur weapons, yu lost the synonym swordfighting match that could’ve won that all back, and yu even lost that glitzy beard of yurs to the famished clouds of the thunder wurld below. Not to worry though, yu’ll be joining yur phony facial hair soon enough.”_

_Dandy heaved as he tried to lift himself onto the plank again._

_“Euch. Can’t yu face defeat with a little murr dignity? If yu were a real pirate, yud know I’ve been terribly courteous. Used a tractor beam instead of torpedoes, fed yur pet some of my finest avian delicacies, and despite yur hold being devoid of treasure and yu coming here to poach aliens in MAH TERRITORY, I’m still giving yu a proper seadog’s demise. Mostly cuz ay feel sorry for yu. Came here lookin’ for a beastie that was long extinct. Ay should know. Ay ad the last of ‘em fer dinner!” he laughed. “Additionally, it’d be cruel to run yu through and have yur former cabin bot clean up yur remains. Which reminds me, how goes the waxing, NEW CABIN BOT?!”_

_“Fine! It’s going fine, Mister Vart!” QT squealed from somewhere Dandy couldn’t see._

_“That’s Captain Vart to yu, goldie.” Vart stomped his ivory peg leg onto the deck of the Bleak Fortuity. “And yu best not forget it, lest I keelhaul yu by yur own copper wiring!”_

_“You’re not going to be his captain for much longer if I can help it.” Dandy groaned. His efforts had won him a few more inches. That made it a little easier to breathe and talk back to this eyesore dirtbag.  
_

_“Again with the empty threats. Again with the rrrrrudeness.” Vart tsked. “Forgiving as ay am though, I’m willing to do yu one last favor. A choice as to how yu will fall,” he ran a nail along the guard of his Veebro Saber. “Ay can either walk over there and cut yur arms off with this or…” he pulled a gun on his entrapped audience, and Dandy was furious to see that it was his own. “If an ironic end is what yu desire, I could always shoot them off from here with yur own wee blaster.”  
_

_“I’ll show you a ‘wee blaster’, you preening privateer!” Dandy clawed in Vart’s direction._

_Had Dandy not been swearing and grunting so loudly, he would’ve heard the faint rustle of cloth and a slight creak as Vart’s peg leg took a step back. “Send you gibbering to yur doom with yur own weapon it is then.” Vart carefully pointed the weapon at Dandy’s reaching arms. “Farewell Glowbeard…or whatever the hell yur actual name was,” he pulled the trigger. Nothing. “What the devil?”_

_“Having performance issues, MISTER Vart?”_

_“Yu dare mock me?!” Vart tossed the empty ray gun aside and unsheathed his sword, his eyes full of murder and wounded pride. “I’m Vlak Vart! The most wanted and dangerous space pirate across eight systems! Master and Commander of the Bleak Fortuity!” he started for the plank._

_Even enraged and with only one foot to his name, his steps across the platform were confident and controlled, betraying no weakness. Dandy tried to grab his ankle anyway, only to get his hand stepped on by a heavy leather boot loaded with platinum buckles. “AUGH!”_

_“Yu thought yu were gonna outsmart me? Yu thought yu were gonna beat me?!” he ground Dandy’s fingers under his heel, getting another scream from the dangling deadman. “I’ve been doing this for hundreds of years, killing all that came after me and outliving the rest! A poofy-haired ponce and his fat vacuum? HAH!” Vart boasted as he raised his blade, ready to chop off Dandy’s trapped hand at the wrist. “Yu two never stood a chance!”_

_“Three,” a cold, feminine voice said from behind him._

_“Wha-?!” was as far as Vart got before he was yanked backwards by a powerful pull at the scruff of his shirt. He tried to stab at this phantom opponent, only to be flipped over and slammed onto the deck of his ship._

**_*SLAM!*_ **

_“That was for calling me stupid!” he heard the voice say. Then something he couldn’t see picked him up by the boot and slammed him into the ground again._

**_*SLAM!*_** _  
_

_“That was for putting me in a cage!”_

**_*SLAM!*_** _  
_

_“And that!”  
_

**_*SLAM!*_ **

_“And these!”_

**_*SLAM!*_ **

_“Are for every-!”_

**_*SLAM!*_ **

_“Single!”_

**_*SLAM!*_ **

_“Cracker!”_

**_*SLAM!*_ **

_“YOU SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT!”_

**_*SLAM!*_ **

****

**_*SLAM!*_ **

****

**_*SLAM!*_ **

****

**_*SLAM!*_ **

****

**_*SLAM!*_ **

****

**_*SLAM!*_ **

****

**_*SLAM!*_ **

****

_Vart’s body, which now had a lot more broken bones and significantly less rhinestone teeth, slid down the mast, the floor around him perforated with face-sized craters._

_“And that last one was because I felt like it,” the voice spat._

_Dandy was really glad he hadn’t blacked out from the pain or the blood rushing to his constricted legs. True, he would’ve died if he had, but more than that, if he had been unconscious, he wouldn’t have seen one of the “most wanted and dangerous space pirates” in the galaxy get flung and smashed around his ship by an alabaster, orange-crested bluejay a fraction of his size. “That was one grade-A beatdown, matey.” He weakly praised._

_The white bluejay flew towards him, shining brilliantly as Pearl morphed back into her humanoid form. “Enough with the ‘matey‘ talk, Dandy,” she demanded as she lugged him over the edge and back onto the safety of the galleon. “I think we’ve had more than enough of that for one day,” she paused at Vart’s defeated and wheezing form. She turned her nose with a “hmph,” and carried Dandy to the main deck of the ship and away from the vanquished captain._

_“Thanks for the save by the way.” Dandy said as she laid him down near the chained up Aloha-Oe._

_A thank you? From Dandy? That was a first. “You’re welco-.”_

_“But now you can’t deny that having you disguised as my pet pirate bird didn’t end up working out in the end.” Dandy interrupted. “Sure I wasn’t able to use you as a dart or ninja star or emergency shiv like I thought I would, but the guy got beat. And that’s what matters.”_

_Ah, that was more like it. Pearl thought. “I would have trounced him sooner if you had let me from the start.”_

_“I wanted to see if he knew where our alien was.”_

_“And now we know that he ate it.”_

_“But he knew.”_

_“Just shut up and give me your hand,” she gently took the damaged extremity into her palm. A thin bar of light shot out of her Gem and ran over the hand from its wrist to the tips of its fingers. “Nothing broken and he didn’t break the skin. You’ll get some heavy bruising, but not much else,” she assured, finishing her scans._

_“There’s some ice in the Aloha-Oe’s freezer. I’ll just put some of that on this after we cut it loose.”_

_“That should do it. But let’s get these chains off of you first,” she wrapped her hands around one of Dandy’s manacles and squeezed, breaking it apart._

_“What? No lockpick this time?”_

_“I’m in a brutal mood,” she glowered as she got to work on the second cuff._

_“Got it, won’t say anything…more?” Over Pearl’s shoulder, Dandy saw that Vart had managed to drag himself around the mast to face their direction. His peg leg was pointing right at them and Dandy could make out that the broken fingers around its shaft were starting to press. “Pearl! Behind you!”_

_Pearl whipped her head back to assess the danger, but it was too late. As Vart’s leg fired, she was able to determine that the discharge was solid, fast, pointed, and with her hands having just broken the last of Dandy’s restraints, unavoidable. Nothing to do, but brace for the inevitable and hoped she survived it. There was a sickening snap. Pearl blinked._

_Just inches from the star on her chest, Vart’s ivory leg hung in the air. As confusion and gratitude at not being impaled by its wicked tip grappled within her for dominance, Pearl saw that the object hadn’t stopped on its own volition as it was being held in place by a long metal arm that extended to her left and all the way up to a familiar minimalistic face._

_“Wow, I can’t believe I caught that!” QT exclaimed._

_“Where the hell have you been?” Dandy demanded._

_QT drew back his arm and began rolling towards his crewmates. “I was getting more floor wax for Captain Vart. When I came back up, I saw him try to shoot you with this and I kind of just reacted,” he gave the leg a little shake. “Not bad for a robot with no depth perception, huh?” QT asked, pointing to the sharpie eyepatch Dandy had drawn on his face._

_Pearl giggled. “Good job, QT.” she said, giving his bandana-covered head a gentle rub. “Though I have to wonder why Vart tried to hit me with this of all things. Even if I didn’t know this wouldn’t hurt me that much, a laser blast would’ve made for a more practical attack.”_

_“Maybe he couldn’t reach his gun.” Dandy suggested._

_“Or maybe he just wanted to give you a really nasty splinter.” QT joked.  
_

_Pearl chuckled. “Oh you.”_

_They all laughed._

_Then a number of pointy vicious legs burst out from the prosthetic, along with a set of slavering, gnashing pincers among a head of slick tongues as the thing writhed and lashed out in QT’s hand._

_It screamed._

_The three of them also screamed._

_Then it started swearing. “Yu puss-guzzling, numb-loined, log-eyed pack of walking cavities. Ay will murder each and every one of yu!”_

_“That lack of diction…” Pearl began.  
_

_“That barrage of piratey curses.” Dandy started.  
_

_“AUGH!!!” QT shrieked. “What is this thing?!”_

_“Vart?” Pearl and Dandy asked the feral pasty insect at the same time._

_“Yeah that’s me. Vlak Vart!” he twisted against QT’s hold with tremendous aggression. “The Marauder of Maelstrom! The Pirate King of All Cosmos! Looter of Wurlds-!”_

_“The little centipede-looking psycho with a voice way too big for it.” Dandy interrupted._

_“If you’re Vart, then who was-.” Pearl tore her eyes away from the cacophonic creature to where the alien it was once attached to lay. “Oh my goodness. Dandy! Look at his body.”_

_Dandy obeyed and instantly regretted it. “Ugh, gross. It’s all rotten and slimy looking,” he gagged as the flesh on its face fell away and exposed its remaining rhinestone teeth._

_“Th-that must be how he did it. Living for centuries…” Pearl speculated. “Stealing the bodies of fellow privateers, taking over their minds, and draining them for all they’re worth until he jumps into the next one,” she scowled at Vart. “And you tried to do that to me?!”_

_“Would yu look at that. Bird-wench over here’s got a brain after all.” Vart hissed. “Would’ve fixed that for ya if it hadn’t been for this incompetent cabin bot of mine.”_

_“I’m not your cabin bot anymore, jerk!” QT shouted, earning a fresh series of zealous and unnervingly creepy escape attempts from the parasitic pirate. “Nnuaugh! Would someone please take this thing away from me?!”_

_“Hang on. Did you say thing?” Dandy asked. “You don’t know what he is?”_

_“He’s disgusting and horrible and gross and I hate holding him!” QT screamed._

_“Yeah, yeah, he’s a morbid little bugger.” Dandy agreed. “But is he registered?”_

_“I-wait.” QT stood stock still as he looked through his databases. “I don’t think so.”_

_“Hmm. Hey Mister Vart.” Dandy provoked._

_“CAPTAIN!”_

_“Whatevs. There more of you?”_

_“I’m one of a kind! Killed the rest of me kin the first chance ay got to thin out the competition.” Vart boasted_

_“That true?”_

_Pearl scratched at the area around her Gem in thought. “Maybe it is, Dandy,” she said, taking note of where they were; a space-worthy pirate ship of dark steel and bleak alloys the size of Beach City with only four people on it. “Those ex-crewmates of his back at the salon did tell us he tried to get rid of them so he wouldn’t have to share his loot.”_

_“Traitorous wretches!” Vart screeched at the mention of survivors. “After me horde, they were. Wanting all of me treasure! The leeches!”_

_“Strange words from a confessed body thief.” Dandy countered. “And while we’re on the subject of treasure, since we took you down and are currently holding you prisoner…I guess all the gold in your hold belongs to us now.”  
_

_“WHAT?!” Vart yelled._

_“And with you being the last of your kind, getting you registered will make our new nest egg even larger,” Dandy bragged._

_“YOU’LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT!”  
_

_“You’re absolutely right. Since you’ve been doing this for so long, there’s no way we could fit all your valuables into our ship,” Dandy lamented. “Doy! What was I thinking?” he gave his forehead a playful slap. “We’ll just take yours. Wow, I am really getting the hang of this pirate thing.”  
_

_“RRRRRRGH!!!”  
_

_“C’mon Cap’n. Can’t yu face yur defeat with a little murrrrrrrr dignity?”_

_“RkflrkmrfgltprkFDMNK!” Vart babbled._

_Pearl’s reaction to this was much more coherent. “Take the whole ship? That seems a little much.”_

_“Vart built this tub so he could use it on his own. It practically runs itself. And just think of the possibilities. All this cutting edge navigational equipment and firepower at our fingertips will make dealing with the Shatterlite a cinch.” Pearl’s features brightened, as they tended to do whenever Dandy seemed to take a vested interest in the monster she sought. It was time to reel her in. “And don’t you want payback for all those godawful crackers he fed you?”_

_Pearl wretched at the memory of Vart’s ‘treats’ and what she had had to do to get them out of her. “So soggy and moldy and-and-ugh! I’m in.”_

_“I call shotgun.” QT said. “Upgraded software, hardware, and everything else, here I come!”  
_

_“Fantastic. I hereby rechristen this vessel the S.S. Superfly!” Dandy beamed. “Parking it at the Alien Registration Center might be a little tricky though.”_

_“I wouldn’t worry about that, Glowbeard.” Vart barked._

_“Why’s that?”_

_“DEAD MEN PARK NO SHIPS!” he shouted, stretching out one of his many legs._

_“Hey, look over there.” QT pointed to a small metal band around the miniature limb. “He’s got a tiny communicator. That’s kind of cute.”_

_“I’ll show yu cute!” Vart screamed as he pressed a button on his bracelet so hard that it cracked its surface._

_The S.S. Superfly shook._

_“What was that?” Dandy asked._

_Vart sneered. “That would be the lifeboats.” The ship shuddered again. This time, the crew of the Aloha-Oe could hear a distant rumble from down below. “And there goes the first engine.”_

_QT accessed the ship’s network remotely to check on the engines and saw that one of them wasn’t there anymore. Another of them vanished from the system. “He’s blowing up the engines!”_

_“Not all of them, cabin bot.” Vart said. “About half. Just enough so me old Bleak Fortuity will fall out of orbit. The other half’s meant to go off once it makes landfall to make sure that anything too stupid to die from the heat of reentry, the tireless wispy dynamos they pass through, or the crash itself will be blown to smithereens along with loyal ‘ol Maestrom.”_

_“You’re insane!” Pearl screamed._

_Vart gnashed his pincers at her. “And you’re running out of engines.”_

_The next explosion was strong enough to floor them. “We got to get out of here!” QT yelled. “The Aloha-Oe’s are only chance!”_

_“I got it!” Pearl yelled as she ran towards the massive chains that bound the Aloha-Oe to the Bleak Fortuity. Another boom rattled the ship, but she stayed the course and got her hands around one of the man-sized links. She pulled, she clenched, and she tore. Nothing worked. “They’re too tough to break!"  
_

_Vart snickered. “You’d have to unlock them from the central control room. If yu hurry, yu might be able to-,” he started to say, but paused as a tremendous detonation sounded from behind them. “Nope. Too late.”_

_“I can try cutting through them.” Pearl stated, eyeing the chains closely._

_“Even if yu got me Veebro Saber, you’d never manage it, bird!” Vart claimed. “Ahahaha, isn’t this grand! A funeral fitting for a Vertex Viking or a wealthy arsonist. In life, I’d never part with any of it. In death, ay never will! Not a single coin, jewel, or prize will fall to anyone else’s hands! They’ll burn before they do! And we’re all going to burn with it! AHAHAHAHAHAHA-!”_

_“Oh would you please shut up, you grotesque little crook?!” Pearl cast out a cylinder of light from her Gem and grabbed the end of it. At her touch, there was a luminous burst, leaving behind a white spear with a long, pearlescent blade wreathed in curved, glowing steel. She slashed at one of the chain’s links. Its bottom half and the others it was connected to clattered to the floor. She dashed beneath the ship and cut through the bindings on the other side, and leapt on top of the vessel to sweep away the unbound remains of the veebro iron ribbons. The Gem somersaulted off of the craft and next to one of the cable’s restraining the back of the Aloha-Oe, sliced it apart, and with a spin, brought her blade to bear against its twin across the way. “QT!” she yelled, yanking the last ungrounded length of chain off of the transport. “Now!”_

_“R-right.” QT stuttered. “Lowering the landing platform.”_

_The bottom of the Aloha-Oe started to descend, but Pearl had all ready leapt onto it. “I’ll start up the ship. Meet me at the cockpit! Hurry!” she commanded, jumping further into the ship and out of sight._

_It needn’t be said that with Bleak Fortuity about to capsize into a perpetual monsoon after being repurposed as a gargantuan deathtrap with enough explosive power to end a world, Dandy and QT didn’t have much time to spare. Yet even with everything shuddering and shattering all around them, there was still a window of time afforded by the lowering and raising of the platform. Just enough time for the two to look at the unyielding, unbreakable chains strewn around them and attempt to process how that had come to pass._

_“Uh,” Vart murmured, equally flabbergasted. “Yu-uh-yu two know she could do that whole knife pulling out of face thing?”_

_“No.” they both answered._

_“Kay.” Vart was almost at a loss for words, but even captured and bewildered, he was still unwilling to break his decades-long streak of always having something to say. Baffled and dazed, he forgot to inject any bravado or malice into his next sentence. It was a sincere statement, and that might be why it cut Dandy and QT deeper than any taunt or quip._

_“Ay wonder what else she’s keepin’ from the two of ya.”_

 

**To be continued…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 at last. These just keep getting longer don't they? But that just means there's more to enjoy, right? I apologize that I overshot my deadlines for a bit. Part of it was because I didn't have access to a computer for a while, had to write a few thousand words guerrilla style on a notebook and then had to type it digitally a day or so ago. Plus the holidays were oddly busy. 
> 
> Regardless, I still had fun writing this installment and I hope you guys had fun reading it. Drop a review to tell me how tickled or affronted you were by its contents, R&R, Comments and Critiques Welcome.
> 
> Chapter 4 will be shorter and come out faster, I promise. We’re approaching the middle of the road, but the ride’s not over yet. Stay tuned.
> 
> Hope you guys had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!


	4. Tall Tales Can Kiss the Sky, Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five Fantastic Fables in One Wonderful Installment:
> 
> Cosmic Horror Catfight!  
> Flying Circus Showdown!  
> Inside Story, Infernal Machine!  
> The Thorn of BooBies!  
> Space Madness Dandy!
> 
> In addition:
> 
> Steven delivers an Ultimatum!  
> Pearl makes a horrific Discovery!  
> Meow gets Fed!
> 
> All this and a Wretched Union that will send the Past on a Collision Course with the Present as "A Crystal Heart's Easy to Break, Baby" smashes through its second act and fourth chapter!

_Moving through space at such fantastic speeds was an extraordinary experience, a sublime sensation only deepened when one realized just how fast and far they were going. In a second of sustained FTL interstellar flight, you could travel distances that would take millions of lifetimes to reach on foot. Yet, spectacular as that was, Pearl found drifting amidst the stars to be a far more gratifying state. Thrusters off and moving slow enough that they were almost parked in the vacuum; she could truly appreciate the grandeur that surrounded her._

_Stargazing on the Aloha-Oe was very different from what it had been like on Earth. There, while not static, the view was set, rigidly structured. You'd get the odd shooting star and meteoric impact, but you could set your watch to everything else, including solar eclipses and blood moons. There was enough variety to keep the average human entertained for its meager lifetime, but for a being as long-lived as a Gem, the contents of Earth's skies became depressingly routine. Here on the ship, she was still, not stranded. They were in one place because that's where they wanted to be, not because they were trapped._

_The outside looked unchanging, but that was easily remedied by starting the ship again and parking it somewhere else. New views greeted her at each stop. Worlds she'd never known brimming with people of all sizes and shapes. Mammoth space stations and flourishing colonies glimmered by the light of innumerable stars. And she could visit them all. Nothing felt out of reach._

_Pearl smacked her temples in admonishment. Focus. If she was going to get anywhere, she needed to focus. That was the downside to having gorgeousness on all sides; it was all so distracting. She could spend hours just looking out the ship's many windows if there wasn't any work to be done or supplies to be fetched. One time, she was lying on the lounge's couch, much like how she was doing now, and just stared into the lustrous beyond. It wasn't until Dandy and QT had walked in from the cockpit yawning and wishing her good night that she realized that the entire day, such as it was in space, had passed her by. That had been unacceptable. She was on a mission, not on vacation, no matter how pleasant and relaxed she found herself feeling at times. Times like this._

_She forced her eyes down to the smart phone in her hand that QT had been kind enough to lend to her and scrolled through a few more pages. With it, she had hoped to find news of the Shatterlite and its movements on the outernet, but nothing concrete had turned up yet. It was easy to see why though. Most journalists were focused on the dirge of skirmishes between two universal superpowers. She paid these articles little mind, neither of the parties were Gem-related after all and they only reminded her that in the august depths that lay outside the ship's walls there was probably at least one person out there who was hurting someone else. The rest were concerned with celebrity hijinks and the usual informative minutia of the moment. So it was understandable that something as small as a yacht-sized abomination would escape the notice of a galaxy whose attentions were focused on relatively bigger things._

_Not that this meant that she could be lax in her search. There were big interstellar happenings that everyone was talking about, but most worlds were chiefly concerned with their own triumphs and hassles. So each website about a planet or star system's affairs was similar, but unique, giving her a lot of news sources to sift through. Tabloids and gossip columns weren't spared either. She had been generous to herself and her target for the first week, reasoning that it would take a while for the Shatterlite to make the news, but she was coming up to three months. Three months since she had gotten back up here. That there had been no news of a metal-eating monstrosity attacking ships or installations brought little comfort to her. The creature could easily be growing fat on the skin of the abandoned vessels and alloyed detritus that littered the universe. It certainly wasn't close by. It could be anywhere, bidding its time until its big debut when it would be too big to be ignored or stopped._

" _Pearl?" Dandy's voice abruptly asked over the ship's intercom. "Could you please come up to the cockpit? We need to talk. It's important."_

_Before Pearl could ask what the matter was, the connection was cut off, plunging the lounge back into silence. She slipped the phone into her gem and made her way to the bridge. After that very long and shamefully revealing talk they had had a few weeks ago, she had made Dandy understand how important seeking the Shatterlite out was for her. He still expected her to come with him on jobs because 'Dandy don't give no free rides, baby,' but he had promised to take her efforts at finding the beast more seriously. So if he claimed what he had to say to her was urgent, it probably was. Probably._

_When she came into the control room, she saw that her crewmates were positioned rather strangely. Dandy's hands, that were usually either on the steering or laced behind his head as he reclined, were nearly touching the ground. The rest of the alien hunter's body was also in a slump. His legs were carelessly splayed out, his neck was craned at an uncomfortable looking angle, and his shoulders hung so low that Pearl feared they would decide to call it quits and detach. QT's posture couldn't have been more different, but it was equally disquieting. While Dandy was all spread out, QT was totally withdrawn. He was standing near the door, arms drawn back into his body. His visor was completely dark, but like Dandy, his still and immobile form was looking in the direction of the window, at the stars. Neither stirred when she came in._

_Her suspicions that the two had fallen asleep during the meager seconds it took for her to arrive were allayed when one of Dandy's arms, this one holding a comb, moved up towards his hair. Then it appeared to give up halfway through and dropped back down to his side. There was a soft din as the comb fell to the floor and chipped some of its teeth. "Pearl, I'm afraid this is it."_

" _This is what?" Pearl asked._

_QT, his facial display still inactive, answered in a flat, stiff voice. "Over. Nothing left. Analysis: Null."_

" _We followed your advice and took a good hard look at this enormous, gorgeous universe we live in." Dandy said._

_Pearl allowed herself a small smile. The atmosphere in this place felt too heavy and strained to warrant a full one. "Well, I'm glad that you two gave it a chance. I know that you might be a bit cynical from traveling in space for so long, but there really is so much beauty up here to appreciate."_

" _Yes…beauty." Dandy repeated blandly. "It's all around us, but no matter how far we fly, there's always more of it. No end to it. Incomprehensible in depth and distance. And we're all just so damn small. Tiny…Insignificant."_

" _Size=Incalculable." QT droned. "Infinity This Unit. Infinity All Units."_

" _From a certain point of view, I suppose it could be a little much to take in all at once." Pearl admitted. "But that's no reason to be sad." She tried injecting a little levity into those words, thinking that it might help lift Dandy and QT's spirits and the sense of dread that was gripping her chest._

_Dandy's tone remained bleak and haunted. "Sad? Nah, I ain't sad. Granted, I'm not happy either. Peaceful, yeah. That's it. Content. So's QT."_

" _Affirmative." QT acknowledged. "How about you, Pearl?"_

" _I'm all right," Pearl lied. "A bit confused, but all right."_

_She saw the corner of Dandy's mouth twitch. "I can fix that," he claimed. "I can fix everything…Pearl?"_

" _Yes?"_

" _Pick a star."_

" _Why?"_

" _Just pick one," he softly implored. "There's a whole bunch for you to choose from."_

_Reluctantly, Pearl moved forward so that Dandy could see what she would select. Her steps were careful and her legs felt heavy. Wanting to get this, whatever this was, over with, she raised a finger and pointed to a random star._

" _Thanks." Dandy murmured._

" _Proximity Favorable." QT buzzed. "Choice Adequate."_

_Dandy put on a pair of tinted, white-framed safety goggles and handed Pearl a similar pair with orange lenses. "What are these for?" Pearl asked as she slid them on._

" _Everyone deserves to see their own extinction coming." Dandy answered as he gripped the handlebars of the Aloha-Oe's helm and gave them a ruthless shove._

_Pearl was startled by how fast the Aloe-Oe was going. Faster than it had ever gone before, faster than she had ever imagined it could, what with how ramshackle a vehicle it was. All around her, stars vanished from view as if left behind entirely in the cosmic dust by this mad dash towards somewhere. All save the one she selected, which remained right in front of them as the others fell away._

_The pinprick of light steadily grew as they pressed forward. In time, it went from a quaint dot to the size of a penny, then a nickel, then a quarter, growing closer and more defined with each dwindling minute. The star was as big as a tennis ball when Pearl realized what was happening. "Dandy, what are you doing?!"_

" _The only thing that makes sense."_

" _No! You can't!" she tried to wrest the controls away from him so she could steer them away from this insane course of action, but was pulled back and completely constricted by QT's powerful telescopic arms. "Let me go, QT! He's going to get us all killed!"_

_The robot's body, usually brimming with warmth from the mechanisms and processors within, felt deathly cold against her back. "Existence Futile. Self Meaningless. Life Redundant. Accept Annihilation."_

" _Oh no." Pearl shuddered. By the stars, she had been afraid of this. That Dandy and QT's lesser minds would eventually cave in to the stresses of intergalactic travel and succumb to space madness. Only their indifference had shielded their psyches from being devoured by the daunting endlessness and her advice had stripped that away._

_She struggled against her bonds, but they were holding her arms too close and tight to her body for her substantial strength to find purchase. She tried to concentrate on changing shape or bubbling QT so she could escape, but her anxiety, amplified by how that sun just kept getting closer and closer, left her unable to focus. Tears began to run down her face. "Please, Dandy! Let me go! Let me leave! I don't want this!"_

" _Time catches up with all of us, even you." Dandy condemned. "Might as well get a headstart," he let go of the steering. "And I think the Aloha-Oe knows which way to go."_

_Damn cruise control, Pearl thought. She tried again to free herself, but she wasn't strong enough. Garnet would've been strong enough._

_Oh Garnet._

_And Amethyst. How she wished she could say goodbye to them both._

_And Rose…she hoped she'd be able to see her after it was over. Thinking of her old mentor eased her fears, only for a new dread to grip her heart. "Steven," she choked, composure tossed to the solar winds. It wouldn't help her now. "Steven, I'm so sorry…"_

" _I'm sure you'll see Steven again, Pearl." Dandy said, arms outstretched, spread out in the very image of brotherly adoration and acceptance, waiting to embrace the massive inferno like an old friend._

_From behind her, Pearl thought she could hear QT humming an electronic version of what might have been "Amazing Grace."_

_The tennis ball sun widened into a coconut star, then it took the dimensions of a bush-sized blaze. Eventually, a fiery field of orange energy, endlessly burning in the coldness of the void was all she could see. And still they charged on. This was it; her body would go first, then her gem. All that she was would evaporate on the surface of this gargantuan furnace and no one would ever know. Hopefully everyone back home thought she was long dead. She couldn't bear the idea of them thinking she had abandoned them._

_Pearl closed her eyes and fought down the sobs bubbling up her throat. She didn't see why she had to be the only one among them to die a blubbering mess. Her demise would reflect how she had tried to live her life: with as much dignity as she could manage._

_She hadn't been prepared for this, but now she was ready for it. So when she felt the ship violently spasm, no screams escaped her lips. There was no fear. There was no pain. There wasn't much of anything at all._

_Dying wasn't such a big deal, baby._

* * *

Despite his low opinion of them, Meow would've been surprised to find out that Slammerheads actually had something in common with Betelgeusians. That for all their differences in height, weight, organ work, temperament, and eating habits, they shared a common hatred of oceans. Meow's people were wary of them because of primal phobias towards illness, drowning, and bad fur days. The Slammerheads, who were hardy, hairless, and capable of surviving underwater indefinitely, hated them because of how much of a nuisance being underwater was.

Outer space was the harsher neighborhood by far, but Slammerheads were accustomed to outer space. They'd been born to glide through the frigid nothing between places. No air, no water, and tremendous radiation were just speed bumps in the roads of their lives. Little pains they willingly endured so long as there was a nice bountiful payoff to dig into at the end of each journey.

Water was something else entirely. A Slammerhead would violently disagree with the sentiment that being under the sea was an acceptable comparison to being in outer space. There were some similarities, but those just amplified the differences between the two environments. In space, there was nothing. You were weightless and free because of that. Travel carefully enough and you could skim past the orbits of planets and suns. Not as difficult as you might think, as the nothing all matter hung by also afforded clear views to those that journeyed on it. Underwater, you weren't weightless, you had the illusion that you were, but there was a very palpable heaviness surrounding you on all sides. It was fluid, yielding by itself, but that only masked how oppressive the substance was. You'd need only open your eyes and try to make sense of the unfocused and distorted world around you to see that you were bound and surrounded. It was a loose restraint, but was most definitely there and wouldn't let you forget it, as if you had been slipped into a cold, badly-cooked piece of gelatin on a shaking table.

Ah gelatin. Its stomach grumbled. How long, it wondered. Had it been since its last decent meal? That was another characteristic of oceans that Slammerheads took issue with. The food supply. Planetary systems were massive meal menus to its kind. In the mood for a moist morsel? Hit up a humid world. Want something a little tougher, more leathery in constitution? Arid planetoids were your best bet. After you had your fill, take a few souvenirs with you. Your food's too busy being dead or digested to stop you. Compare that level of choice and freedom to what the sea had to offer. If they weren't violent or polluted enough to deter the proliferation of life, then they'd be brimming with food. That ought've been great. Slammerheads loved food, even more than they loved loot. They would've adored oceans if everything in them wasn't so damn soggy. All of it was stringy and squishy with chewy bones, if they had any to begin with. Nothing tastefully juicy or seasoned, just waterlogged and saturated with salt. Barely anything worth taking either. It was in the nature of most sentients to drag the treasures of their world onto the surface after all.

It only got worse the deeper you went. Down there, the light of the planet's sun dwindled into nonexistence. The phantom pressures intensified their harassments. Any creatures living here were even more unappetizing than the ones higher up, more shell and spine than flesh. But the bottom was where it needed to be. It didn't dare search on land; it could barely balance with the aching fist-shaped crater on its face, let alone fight whatever had created it.

How that had happened, it couldn't say. It had dived towards a small beachside hamlet for a quick midnight snack and then it had blacked out, eventually waking up underwater the following morning. There were vague memories of a large, hairy, disinterested-looking brick heading towards it, but remembering how its injury had been incurred was a secondary concern to getting it fixed.

When it came to severe head injuries, Slammerhead medicine was elegantly straightforward. Find something to cover or fill-in the wound, and then jam it in. Then after a few meals and weeks of rest, the flesh would scab over it and you'd be good as new. The tricky part was finding tough material your size. Something too small would be useless as would something too large, because if you could break it down to a more fitting size, then it probably wasn't tough enough for slamming into cities from orbit. Right now though, it just wanted a placeholder to plug in the gap. All manner of squishy and spindly pests were trying to turn it into their nest. Crabs, eels, fish, and a few cephalopods had tried creeping into the hole in its skull as it swam and searched. It had shaken them out and devoured them all, but as mentioned before, unless it was well-cooked and suitably garnished, seafood was low on its list of likes. Adding to that, with how dark it was, it could hardly see half of the wildlife it was consuming.

The dark was what helped the Slammerhead find it. For in it, the creature saw the object glow. The orange glimmer was faint. In brighter waters the beast might have ignored it completely, but in the aqueous gloom, the orb shone like the hottest of coals. In the blurry low light, the Slammerhead couldn't see how it was set in the middle of a flowery arrangement of sculpted, golden metal. What it did see was that this object didn't look very strong and that it wasn't quite large enough, but it would suffice until the Slammerhead found something better.

The winged alien carefully brought its head down to the item and tried to plug its wound with it. As expected, it wasn't a perfect fit, but its little light would help make the seafloor a less depressing place to trudge around and the Slammerhead was pleasantly surprised that the rock was rather warm. Then the Slammerhead felt the trinket do something peculiar; it felt it start to grow. It wasn't the erratic and flabby inflation of something living, but a swift and efficient expansion that quickly filled the hole on the creature's face.

The process had been painless and the Slammerhead felt good, more than good, it felt fixed. It felt ready. Now it was going to swim up to the surface, fly back to that quaint, costal town and give his newly mended face a proper testing.

Or perhaps it would have a little rest first. It had been scrounging for materials all day and a quick nap couldn't hurt. As it closed its beady eyes and settled down into the somber muck, it didn't notice that the medal had stopped glowing and that the orange surface that had scabbed over its wound was starting to expand and branch out across the rest of its face and body. It was content to lie there and slumber; indulge in a few hours of well-deserved dormancy and dream of clearer, drier places.

Then dinner.

* * *

Why did the Big Donut have to have a lunch rush? Or a dinner rush? Or even a breakfast rush? People should've been eating meals at those hours, real food, not snacks. It's what Lars would've done if his salary wasn't so infuriatingly tiny.

Sadie suggested that maybe their customers had done that and were just going to them for dessert. He thought that theory was hardly less nonsensical. If you could afford to eat at a REAL restaurant, then you might as well shell out a few more bucks and get a cake or pie while you were there. Sadie had rolled her eyes at that and chastised him for not believing in their products, citing that lack of faith as the reason why no one ever tipped him.

How naive could you get? He never got tipped because he was a cashier that sometimes took stuff off of shelves and handed them to people. No one ever tipped a guy for sliding processed crud across a counter. You got tips for serving food fast and with a phony smile on your face like you were happy to be there. Though he'd never be caught dead doing something as lame and hectic as waiting tables. If his job had to suck, he ought to have the freedom to phone it in as much as possible. Dead ends were meant to be leant on.

Case in point, what he was doing right now. Taking inventory at the back of the store, marking what they had left, what they needed to order more of, blah, blah, blah. Thank god for the break room chairs, he thought. Standing around and having to constantly look outside at a beautiful – eh, he'd take a rotten one over this place too – day you weren't allowed to enjoy could take a toll on a guy. He'd just rest his feet a bit and double check, triple check, and perhaps quadruple check the inventory. It paid to be thorough, metaphorically speaking. Sadie was tough enough to man the register by herself and work off some of the leftover adrenaline from the surge of noontime eaters. It wouldn't be too hard for her. The only ones that came in at this time were either some straggling off-season tourists or diehard donut addicts who could really stand to cut down on the sweets.

"Hi Sadie." a voice greeted from the other side of the door. "Two of your finest jelly-filled donuts, please!"

Speak of the devil, here was one of those diehards now.

"Afternoon, Steven. Here you go." Sadie said. "Hey, who's your new friend?"

New friend? Lars thought. What had Steven brought along with him this time? Another kid that wasn't allowed to actually buy anything from the store? Some kind of mutant gazelle that would make a mess of the place?

"Oh, this is Dan-hey!"

"The name's Dandy, but you can call me Space Dandy," a new voice interrupted. The stranger's words were oozing with theatrical machismo and forced confidence. Lars hated the guy all ready. And what kind of name was Dandy anyway? "It's a pleasure to meet you, Ms…"

She's wearing a nametag, you idiot.

"Sadie," she said cheerily. "Says so right here on my nametag." Didn't this guy know how to read?

"I can see that." Dandy admitted. "I just wanted to hear it coming from you, beautiful."

What.

Sadie giggled. Why was she doing that? "So how do you guys know each other?"

"He's an old…acquaintance of Pearl's." Steven explained. Those creepy violent moms of his had friends? Yeah right. "I'm showing him around town."

"That's really nice of you, Steven." Sadie said.

"Thanks Sadi-ow-what's the big de-?!"

"Yes that is certainly nice of the little guy. He's been a really big help." Dandy said amidst the sound of Steven struggling. "Unfortunately, at the end of the day? It just won't be enough. You know what I'm saying, baby?"

Baby?

"Oh, heh, wh-why is that?"

"Because when the sun sets and he's all tucked in, I'll have nobody to show me what the Beach City Night Life has to offer," he sniffed with flourish. "Unless you're not doing anything this evening. What time do you get off…work?"

"I-I'm a little busy today," Sadie stammered. "B-besides, there isn't much to do here after dark."

When Dandy didn't reply with another sleazy come-on, Lars thought that the guy had finally gotten the hint and would buzz off. Preferably with Steven. Thus, he was completely unprepared when he heard the words:

"Isn't there?"

"Oh…oh my."

Lars tried to get to his feet, but they were on the breakroom table when he did. By the time he had picked himself up from the floor and barged into the main shop with a threat to call the cops on his lips, there was no one there apart from a blushing - and secretly very flattered - Sadie.

* * *

"What the heck, Steven?" Dandy asked as he managed to get his arm free from the death grip Steven had put on it as he yanked him out of the shop. "I was this close to sealing the deal," he said, bringing his palms just a hairsbreadth apart from one another.

"That's why I had to get us out of there." Steven said. "Your animal magnetism was out of control!"

"You make that sound like a bad thing." Dandy chided. "Hold on, where was this prudishness when I was trying to put the moves on your red and purple aunts?"

"Garnet and Amethyst are single." Steven snapped. "Sadie's spoken for. So she's off limits!"

"What? She's got a boyfriend?"

"N…not exactly." Steven said, completely devoid of the fire his previous protests had possessed.

"Girlfriend?"

"No…"

"Oh...I get it now." Dandy wiggled his eyebrows at Steven. "Mister Universe has a got a little crush on a little laaaaaaadyyyyyy," he said, stretching the last word in his sentence for all it was worth.

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!"

"Steven's got a cru-ush! Steven's got a cru-ush! On an older la-dy! On an older la-dy!" Dandy jeered, skipping around the boy to the tune of his melodic taunt, made all the louder because of his boots.

"Stop that!" Steven ordered.

"I'm just kidding, dude. Relax." Dandy assured as he ceased his frolicking. "I'll make it up to you. Consider me your wingman. We'll march right back in there and-."

"That isn't it at all! My feelings for Sadie are strictly platonic," Steven clarified. "And before you start getting any weird ideas, she's practically in a relationship almost!"

"How does that work?"

"She and Lars are going to hook up one day. That's how."

"Lars?"

"Her coworker and friend. They've known each other since forever. And it's really close to happening, so don't mess it up." Steven insisted.

"Playing Cupid, then?" Dandy smirked. "That's even more adorable than you having a crush on her."

Steven mumbled something angry and unintelligible as he took a donut out of his takeout bag and handed it to Dandy. "Here."

"Is this a 'shut you up' donut? I love these things." Dandy took a bite out of it and the two started to walk down the street. "Real talk?" he said with his mouth full. "Don't get too bummed out if things don't work out between them. OTP or nOTP, even perfect storms pass."

The boy frowned at him as he started to eat his own donut. With all his attention on Dandy, Steven didn't notice that he had bit down on a particular rich vein of jelly, which filled his mouth and throat with suffocating strawberry goodness. He might have swallowed it all with little trouble, if he hadn't inhaled some of its powdered sugar in shock. Steven coughed, sending a small glob of partially chewed jelly donut sailing through the air and onto the sidewalk. "Oh no!" he cried, quickly running to where the glob had landed. Without a moment's hesitation, he grabbed the clump of pastry and shoved it into his mouth. "Euch," he gagged as his tongue informed him that some sand had come along for the ride.

Dandy winced. "Ewww, Steven, if you were really that hungry, I could have given you some of mine."

"No, it's just-." Steven paused to wipe his mouth with one of the complimentary napkins in the takeout bag. "I've got this healing spit power."

"So you can actually kiss boo-boos better? Cool."

"It is, but if I accidentally spat a bit of fruit on the ground, it might end up growing into a really big fruit…and then into a sentient plant person…possibly an army of them."

Dandy finished off his donut and licked the leftover powder and jelly from his hands before saying. "Sounds rough. You're actually the second space rock I've met that's had that problem."

"You've met another Gem out there with the same powers as me?" Steven asked excitedly.

"I'm not sure if it was a Gem, but I did encounter this rad-looking rock when I went to Planet Planta. And there was this one other job where I went to a Dark Nebula and…and…wait, I think I dreamt that one. But yeah, Planet Planta was where I saw it."

"Planet Planta?"

"A little on the nose, right? Appropriate though. The whole place was chock full of plant life everywhere you looked; Everything was enormous and most of the plants could move and talk."

"Talk? Whoah, none of the plants I grew ever did that."

"Maybe they did and you just didn't know. Try getting a translator like mine. It's a pretty good investment." Dandy said, tapping his bracelet. "So anyway, all these enormous flowers and trees were the result of the place getting hit by an asteroid thousands of years ago; a weird crystal that caused everything on Planta to evolve like crazy. The locals called it 'Code D' and this one scientist tree guy told me that it was real dangerous; it was causing things to mutate too fast. So he asked if I could handle the situation. I want you to keep in mind that I thought that Code D was an alien, not a rock…no offense."

"None taken."

"So I agreed, went hip-deep into hostile territory to stop it, and with the help of the scientist's adorable daughter, I managed to do just that with my bare hands!" he said, punching the air.

"You didn't even need your ray gun?" Steven asked, his eyes alight.

"Nope. Just got my fingers around that rock, ripped it out of its cradle, and took it down!"

"That's awesome!" Steven declared, causing Dandy to puff his chest out in pride. "What happened to Planet Planta?"

This took the wind out of Dandy's sails. "Right. About that. Without Code D pumping out microbes or whatever, everything calmed down real quick. All the plants shrank down and returned to normal."

"They couldn't speak or think or move anymore?"

"No."

"And the scientist and his cute daughter."

"They were the last to go."

He didn't say any more. Steven gave this some thought as he crumpled the paper bag and deposited it in a recycling bin. "Do…do any of your adventures end well?"

"Lots of them do. I've told you a whole bunch of those over the last couple of hours."

That part was true at least. Dandy had told him about several of his exploits since their disastrous ray gun lesson. Initially, Steven was just happy to hear about all these weird places and people the alien hunter had met throughout his long and strange voyages. Despite Pearl's claims that he was a liar, there was a casual earnestness in his speech that made each anecdote sound sincere. Yet, this honesty just made the pattern Steven was starting to see in his stories all the more disquieting. "It's just that all of them kind of end badly for at least somebody. Like that feud between the vest and underwear aliens."

"How was that a bad ending?" Dandy leapt atop a nearby picnic table. "Didn't you hear about how I saved Meow and rode the shockwave of an exploding moon on one of my rocket boards?" he asked, wiggling his hips and tilting his hands as if he was surfing.

"And if there's time later, I definitely want to try one of those out."

"You bet. I got the feeling you've got the makings of a kahuna in you, kid."

"Thanks. But like I was saying, the two of them ended up killing themselves with their own rocks."

"Would it have been a happier ending if they had killed one another instead with their big ol' planet buster bombs?"

"No, it wouldn't. A happy ending would've had them surviving and making peace with each other." Steven claimed. "Why couldn't they do that? Why couldn't they just talk it out?"

"You shouldn't read too much into it, man." Dandy warned, hopping off of the table. "Though they'd tell you differently, it wasn't that complicated. There was nothing to fight for, no larger agendas at play. Maybe they had better reasons when they started, but at the end, it all boiled down to two people hating how the other was dressed. If folks don't want to get along, they won't."

"What about the one with the fish guy?"

"Which one?"

"The one that you ate!"

"The carp dude? Mmm, now he was a treat. For a rare alien, he sure did taste great well done."

"It wasn't a treat for him. Nobody believed what he had to say about the world ending and he got so sad that he ran right at the sun. That was definitely not a happy ending. No matter how good he tasted."

"Hey, I didn't come out of those episodes unscathed either." Dandy contested. "I mean, I didn't get paid."

"And the one with the dog and the little guys!"

"I escaped a black hole! That was pretty spectacular."

Steven dragged a hand down his face in frustration. "So none of them end well."

"Don't blow up at me, Steven. Things are rarely as tidy and neat as all that." Dandy said. He tried to be firm and authoritative when he did, but seeing Steven's downcast expression made him falter. "All right. I'll dredge one up that's all aces for everybody. Give me a sec."

"One where nobody dies?"

"Tough, but not impossible."

"Where you get the money at the end?"

"That's nice of you to add, but that'll just make this harder."

"Oh, and can it be one from when you and Pearl were together?"

"Okay, now you're just being greedy…but, yeah, I think I've got one."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Dandy motioned to the picnic table. Taking the hint, Steven sat himself down. "I think it was about 6 weeks after we met. And it all started when Pearl threw the ship's old couch of the airlock while I was away." He began, joining Steven on the bench. "She'd always hated it and it wasn't hard to see why. It was stained in a lot of areas, smelled kind of funky, and was really, really uncomfortable."

"Those are all things Pearl would hate." Steven noted. "Maybe she thought you'd buy a new one if she got rid of it."

"And I might've. But it was also where I stored all of our money."

Steven's eyes widened and he recoiled as if the information had physically struck him. "WHAT?! Why didn't you put it in a bank?!"

Dandy shrugged. "I don't trust banks. I like my money where I can get to it. So I used the couch instead."

"But without the couch, what were you going to do if you needed fuel or food or cable?"

"I'm glad you asked that, because after crying for forty minutes, I asked myself the same question. Then it hit me. There was this open intergalactic fighting tournament coming up and it had a lightweight division. I said, 'Pearl, you might have the weight and build of a preteen girl, but you hit like a thousand preteen girls. We enter you in this thing, you knock 'em all down, and we get a whole lot of easy money really fast.' Then she tried to hit me."

"You did compare her to a preteen. That was pretty rude."

"You know what was also rude? Tossing out all our savings into the cold depths of space!" Dandy shot back. "After reminding her that she was the reason we were suddenly penniless, she agreed. Said she could work out some of her frustrations in the ring while she was there. And then…"

* * *

**[484** **th** **FFAF Open Tournament Live Broadcast – Lightweight Division Finals, Sector Necro Maximo, Space September, Space Century 0006]**

_Gaoward: Good evening, morning, and afternoon wherever you are, sports fans and welcome back to the Free-For-All Federation's Lightweight Division Tournament, now entering its final phase. As always, this is Gaoward Nosell with special guest co-commentator, Three-Time Free-For-All Mondoweight Champion, Dapperwood Doq Dawson._

_Doq: Haha! Great to be here, Gaoward! Let's get this final fight started!_

_Gaoward: All in good time, Doq. But may I be the first to say, that your spirits have taken a major upswing since this slugfest began just a few hours ago._

_Doq: I'm not going to lie, Gaoward. When my agent called me up yesterday and said that I had to be your co-host for this tourney, I had a strong desire to shove my hand through my phone and strangle his scrawny, scaly neck in defiance of all known laws of physics._

_Gaoward: Good thing he didn't tell you that in person._

_Doq: I blame his survival on his Gogol Plus Phone Plan that allows him to make unlimited calls from anywhere in the galaxy for a low, low monthly fee._

_Gaoward: And that's not even going into all the promos and contests you can be a part of just by making those payments, but back to your hatred of Lightweight fights._

_Doq: It's not so much hatred as it is contempt, Gaoward. It's a known fact that the heavier the fighter, the heavier the hits. I could commentate on Gigaweight brawls all night and if I didn't love money so much, I'd probably do that for free. But forcing me to watch a bunch of skinny dudes and dames slapfight each other for a whole day? Waking Nightmare, Gaoward. That's what I thought it was going to be; just a whole lot of flitting around the ring, trying to put the other chump in a submission hold, and occasionally throwing a limpwristed punch. No hope of any Super Massive Back Hands or Perelandra Piledrivers. Fat chance at seeing some proper pain and turmoil unfold. I was all set to sleepwalk through several hours of softcore slaughter._

_Gaoward: And now you're wide awake. We all are. And it's all thanks to tonight's wolf in sheep's clothing underdog, a civilian that was signed up just before the competition began who defied all our expectations and now has the chance to win 400,000 wulongs in cash prize money. She's gone from dark horse to pale rider in very short order. I am of course speaking of the soon to be infamous Pearl!_

_Doq: Since we have a little time before the title match, why don't we bring those just joining us up to speed on how one of our finalists went from Pearl the Puke to Pearl the Punk to Pearl the Punisher?_

_Gaoward: Splendid idea, Doq. It all started in the opening rounds of the competition. Federation regular and self-proclaimed Mistress of Marrow, Femurella was expected to slash and gore her way to the semifinals. Her first victim? Some pasty, pointy-nosed nobody with a rockabilly throwback for a coach._

_Doq: The moment I saw her in that Fru Fru tutu jazzercise get-up, I just had to lean out of this hover box and shout, "Hey carrot top! The 80s are dead! Just like you're gonna be once Femurella gets through with you!" Then instead of ignoring me or crying (like I expected) she actually challenged me to tell that to her face down in the ring (after I had put a shirt on). I should've realized right then and there that this chick was the real deal._

_Gaoward: I know Femurella wished she had. Perhaps that knowledge might have stopped Pearl the Punisher from breaking every single bone in her body with one decisive kick._

_Doq: It was so loud they heard it in the cheap seats!_

_Gaoward: And what did Pearl do when she saw how much damage she had dealt to her opponent? Perform first aid? Call for help? No. She just put both of her hands on her mouth to undoubtedly stifle the laughter she wanted to unleash on the pathetic, writhing heap that lay before her. However, this half-hearted attempt at sportsmanship was to no avail. We had seen her true colors._

_Doq: Which were pretty much the same as her regular colors, except stained with the blood of her enemies._

_Gaoward: Since that spine-shattering debut, Pearl's blazed a swift and agonizing trail through the ranks of her opposition, many of them celebrated and seasoned combatants: Doctor Ocelot, Prince Fist, the Cornucopian Kid, the Night Stewardess, and Grey Succubus to name a few. All vanquished by blows that were as quick as they were devastating. I don't even think she's really trying anymore. She just lightly shoved a guy into a turnbuckle during her last match and that was that._

_Doq: Can't really blame her, man. No one's been able to give her a decent fight so far and I think she's starting to get really annoyed with that. Our cameras have managed to pick up some very choice pieces of dialogue between Pearl and her trainer. Including words and phrases like "Disgusting", "I can't believe I'm doing this", "He wouldn't stop twitching", "That was horrible", and "I want to stop this." Hmph. And I thought I'd be the most bored guy here tonight. Poor little psychopath. Just look at that troubled, haunted expression on her face. That's the thousand-yard stare of someone who's about to snap from a lack of meaningful stimulation. Tragic._

_Gaoward: I think it's a little fitting though. Tonight we have seen dreams crushed, careers ended, and lives ruined at the hands, feet, and surprisingly hardy posterior of this bloodthirsty rookie. Can anything, even Godot Otter Mincemouth, halt this one-woman ballerina blitzkrieg?_

_Doq: I hope not, Gaoward. I'm having too much fun watching her break people's pelvises._

_Gaoward: As am I, Doq. As am I._

_***DING!*** _

_Gaoward: And here we go! This should be an interesting title bout. On one side we've got Pearl, the very physical contender of this event, and on the other, Gotter Otter Mincemouth, who has made a similar, if a lot less painful, meteoric rise to the top by subduing all her foes with her formidable telepathic abilities._

_Doq: BO-RING! That psychosomatical nonsense should be illegal!_

_Gaoward: You know the rules, Doq. No foreign objects or outside assistance of any kind. You fight with what's in you. Everything else is free game. And what a game this is. Brawn vs. Brains. Physical Power vs. Immaterial Strength. One Name vs. Three Names. Gingers vs. Blon-._

_***THUD!*** _

_Doq: And Godot is down! I guess her little voodoo head games had no effect on the Punisher!_

_Gaoward: Just walked right up to Godot and karate chopped her in the face._

_Doq: She ain't moving, Gaoward. I think she's done._

_Gaoward: Well let's wait for the referee to make the call first. Then we can hand Pearl her reward for providing us with such quality entertainment and tell our viewers all about Jaicro Gelato; 5,252 Flavors in thousands of outlets sector-wide._

_Doq: He's starting the count! 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! Eigh-!_

_**Raaaawraaaaugh!** _

_**AIEEEEEEEEEEE!** _

_Gaoward: Huh. It seems that Godot has devoured the referee. That hasn't happened in a while._

_Doq: Wooo, looks like it's going straight to her thighs._

_Gaoward: Usually that takes at least a couple of-what-oh my goodness. It's not just her thighs, Doq! Her entire body is changing: legs spilling out in long coils of shimmering slickness, torso stretching in profane angles, arms wrapped around herself forming the lips of a drooling maw filled with jagged teeth, neck reaching upwards along a crooked path! And her face! Turned upside-down! The mouth open and stretching back over her skull as if someone had taken a zipper to her flesh! Oh-oh my word-she's sprouted tongues and eyes all over herself! They're all uneven, dull, and seemingly idiotic in appearance, but they keep looking at me. Why are they looking at me?!_

_Doq: That's strange. Pressure plates beneath the ring say that she's still the same weight. I don't know what's going on, but it ain't against the rules._

_Gaoward: Doq! I think Godot was secretly an Arikan Thought Hulk this whole time! To even look at the true form of one is enough to obliterate one's psyche! Soul death has come for us all! I can all ready see the audience begin to feel the effects of her presence! Tearing out their cheeks! Shoving popcorn under their eyelids! They're all turning on one another! I'm starting to feel it to. How about you, Doq? Can you feel your worthless, moronic brain being dragged down into the astral abyss by the sight of her wretched majesty?!_

_Doq: Nah. Not really._

_Gaoward: Wh-Why not?!_

_Doq: Pyrotechnics accident. Eyes took a real pounding when I had them set off a miniature supernova during one of my stage entrances. I still won that match, but now everything looks all fuzzy and blob-ish. So whatever's going on down there isn't doing anything for me and my busted headlights._

_Gaoward: Bl-Bleugh-But you own a whole landing platform filled with Hover Cars! How do you fly them with such poor vision?!_

_Doq: I kinda play it by ear._

_Gaoward: Brkrmntklfmgf!_

_Doq: Rude! You kiss your mother with that mouth, Gaoward?! Hey, what're you four doing here?_

_?: Ylrgrkmdrbloodsacrificezrtnmk!_

_Doq: Say what? You want some? You want a little Doqamania?! Then you're gonna get Doqamania! Eat this!_

_***BAM!*** _

_Doq: And a little of that!_

_***BIFF!*** _

_Doq: And the eight of you can have a couple of these!_

_***POW!*** _

_Doq: Got you! Crowd surf in hell, loser!_

_?: HAAAAAURGH!_

_***THRNK!*** _

_Doq: Throwing it down old school. What the-whoah-is she-holy moley, she is! This is amazing! Go! Go for it, you hopping ginger blur! Oh the tongues have got ya! They're pulling you in! They're pulling you-WOW-I did not see that coming! Yes! Give it to her! GIVE IT TO HER HARD! Almost there! ALMOST THERE! Yes. Yes! YES! YES!_

_***BLAM!*** _

_***BLAM!*** _

_***BLAM!*** _

_***BLAM!*** _

_**URAAUghhhhh…** _

_***CRASH!*** _

_Doq: THAT – WAS - STUPENDOUS!_

_Gaoward: Ohhhhh, what happened?_

_Doq: Welcome back to sanity, Gaoward._

_Gaoward: Why are you covered in blood?_

_Doq: Don't worry. It's not mine…or yours._

_Gaoward: Okay. But…Godot…she's down…how?_

_Doq: As for what happened while you and most of our audience were gibbering, genocidal lunatics, let's take a look at the footage from just three minutes ago._

_Gaoward: Guh, even looking at it is giving me a migraine._

_Doq: Suck it up, man. Because this right here is Free-For-All Federation History in the making. So we start with the Punisher looking all disgusted, but it's clear that all her marbles are still in the playground chalk circle. Godot takes some swings at her and she dodges left, dodges right, tries to kick one of the tongues away, but it grabs her by the ankle and starts pulling her in. More tongues get on her and they try to shove her right into that chest mouth. Just when I thought I was about to see a Space Nipponese "art film" live, she pulls out a freaking spear from that big boil on her head._

_Gaoward: More like a lance. Get it? Boil. Lance. Wait, was she disqualified for tha-thurgrkh?_

_Doq: Sensors say that the shiv on a stick was a part of her body. Still legal. So she uses it to cut off those tongues and then leaps onto Godot, sticking that spear right into one of her eyes. Now we got her climbing and stabbing her way up Mincemouth's neck as she tries to throw her off or get her tongues around her; And they do, but guess what? Tongues can't do crap against spears! That's what that green liquid all over Pearl is, Gaoward. Eye and tongue fluid. Must've gotten splashed with gallons of the stuff._

_Gaoward: I think I can smell it from here._

_Doq: Finally, she gets to the top of this tower of trembling, tumorous terror. She pries Godot's original jaw open with her feet and then brings her spear up. I know what you're thinking; she's gonna shank her in the tonsils or slice her head off. But no! Instead she shoves it down Godot's throat and battle shrieks. Its tip starts to glow and then BLAM! It glows again and then BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!_

_Gaoward: She fired energy projectiles out of her spear?_

_Doq: You should've seen it, dude. Smoke pouring out, hot guts flying everywhere, last of the shots went right through and struck the stage. Ooo-oh-oh, this part's just showing off. Before Godot's blown-out carcass topples over, Pearl just backflips off of it and lands back on her feet._

_Gaoward: Breaking the cyanide-dipped stranglehold on our minds in the process. Though the scars will undoubtedly remain for years to come. I'm not sure if I'm ever going to get a good night's sleep again._

_Doq: You might need some major therapy after this, Gaoward. (sniff) And some new trousers._

_Gaoward: But I am sure of this. Pearl the Punisher, who this announcer and millions of F.F.F fans owe their hearts and lucidity to, is the undisputed champion of the Free-For-All Federation's Lightweight Division Tourney! And the winner of 400,000 WULONGS!_

* * *

"And the members of the audience not in need of serious medical attention clapped and cheered! Confetti reigned down from the sky! Music poured from the speakers!" Dandy let out a few whoops and hollers in imitation of the crowd. "Contest conquered, cash won, and nobody went insane. If that doesn't qualify as a happy ending, there's just no pleasing you."

"What about Godot?

"Are you kidding me?" Steven shook his head. "The big pile of teeth, tongues, and eyes that nearly drove everyone bonkers and tried to eat Pearl?" Steven nodded. "Fine. She was okay too. Gave everyone a thumbs up as they carted her off. Or it might have been a different finger. Either way, her fans went nuts over it. 'Godot Lives! Save Godot! Protect Godot!' Bunch of lunatics."

"And the referee?"

"I think they managed to pull him out of her eventually. Satisfied?"

"Totally, it was a pretty cool story, Dandy." The alien hunter grinned. "I just can't believe that Pearl let you get away with it."

"Away with what?" Dandy asked a little more defensively than he intended.

"It's just that you entered her in the tournament telling her it would be a piece of cake."

"Which it was…mostly."

"Then she started hating how she had to hurt so many people. She doesn't like that, you know. She got real mad at Amethyst for doing something similar." Steven continued. "And that last fight where she got drenched by all that goop. None of that would have happened if you hadn't made her join," he licked some leftover jelly from his fingers. "I'm glad that you guys won and everything turned out well, but I'm just surprised that she wasn't mad at you for getting her involved."

"Errr…" Dandy scratched his cheek apprehensively. "About that…"

* * *

_Gaoward: Well would you look at that. Pearl's coach has joined her on stage._

_Doq: Why's he blowing kisses to the crowd? He didn't do anything._

_Gaoward: Oh let him have this, Doq._

_Doq: I'm serious. The guy didn't even look that affected by Godot's nutso aura. He was just cowering the whole time._

_Gaoward: Maybe your blurry vision was playing tricks on you. And keep in mind, outside assistance would've been against the rules. How embarrassing would it have been if Pearl delivered that almost-fatality just to lose the match because her trainer tried to be a hero?_

_Doq: You're right. That'd be pretty damn embarrassing._

_Gaoward: Say, I think they're about to share a post-victory embrace. Look, she's turned him around and now she's hugging…his throat._

_Doq: And shaking him._

_Gaoward: Eugh, he just took some of Godot's fluids off of Pearl's top and smeared it over her eyes. She's let him go to wipe it off; he's trying to make a break for it! OH! But she's caught him; got her arms around his waist. She's arching back, he's in the air, flailing's doing him no good. My goodness. Could it be?!_

**_*CRASH!*_ **

_Doq: SUN CUP SUPLEX! RIGHT THROUGH THE FLOOR!_

* * *

"Now that sounds more like it." Steven chuckled.

"Dang, that's the second time you've gotten enjoyment from something bad happening to me today." Dandy grumbled. "You're a lot more mischievous than I was expecting."

"What were you expecting?" the young Gem asked, wondering what presumptions Dandy could possess when they had only just met that day.

"From the way Pearl gushed about you? I thought you were going to be a damn cherub. Playing your harp and farting out lilac-scented rainbows all day long."

"I play the ukulele."

"Interesting, but not the same thing. To summarize, the perfect little angel she described would never laugh at a man getting slapped by a rose-colored jungle cat and he definitely wouldn't have hung out with such a charmingly roguish character like myself."

Steven felt a bit guilty, reminded of how he had broken his promise to Pearl - in spirit, if not the letter. He had exited the house through a window, not the door – but what was it that Dandy had said? The way she had 'gushed' about him. "Pearl talked about me while she was with you?"

"Not right away, no." Dandy answered. "It took around two months for you to come up in conversation. Before that, she didn't really talk about her past. But once she did, woo," he shook his head. "She wouldn't stop yammering about you. Twelve straight hours of baby Steven stories, baby Steven pictures, baby Steven this, baby Steven that, how bright you were, how special you were, how great you'd be once you grew up; It drove me nuts."

Steven blushed. "S-sorry."

"What are you apologizing for? Sure it got so bad that QT faked being low on power just to bail out on it, but at the same time, it was really sweet," he smoothed the side of his hair before continuing. "Usually she was always anxious, angry, or just plain morose; either all business or staring out into space. Talking about you made her happy. I had seen her smile at my expense or at a joke before, but never that big. Like…she was really, really happy. Jubilant almost. It was a nice change of pace and I think it helped her loosen up a little."

"In that case, I'm glad I could help." Steven said with just dash of smugness.

"I'm sure you are." Dandy said, allowing himself a wistful smile.

The two of them looked out at the ocean before them, letting its gentle liquid rhythm fill their wordless air. Well-fed and just the right level of tired that would warrant some well-earned relaxation, Steven could just imagine them both sitting here quietly for the rest of the afternoon. Evening would come, but before that, the sun would sink beyond their vision, splattering the water with light and color as it made its exit. Even the fidgety Dandy seemed content, placated by what they had done and what he had said. They might've sat there for hours and languished in this simple tranquility for as long as they could. That would have been nice. "So why did you break up?"

Dandy sighed and leaned back against the table, craning his head upwards to the picturesque blue sky. "Leaping right into that, huh?"

"I…I think I've been more than patient." Steven swallowed. "And you did promise that you'd 'talk the talk'; tell me the stuff Pearl wouldn't if I showed you around."

"That is what I said." Dandy admitted, still not looking at Steven. "Why? Do you really need to know? Is that worth spoiling this perfect summer day?"

"Maybe I don't need to." The afternoon did seem too pleasant to burden with such information, especially if it was as heavy as Dandy implied. Then again, he couldn't see how talking about it on a rainier day would make it any better. "But I want to."

Dandy brought a hand up and tapped its knuckles on his forehead. "All that nitpicking for a peachy conclusion and now you want to hear about something that definitely didn't end well," he berated. "Make up your mind. If there's something you want to do, do it. If you don't want to do something, don't. It's that simple."

Steven felt a nervous pressure building under the back of his head and chest, but managed to ask. "Is that the way it is with you?"

"Yup. I pretty much do what I like, where I like, when I like. It's a blast," he exhaled and hunched over. "Not everyone gets to live forever like you guys. Why waste the time we've got doing things that'll make us miserable?" he asked. "And why's she so hung up about it anyway? It happened eight years ago. Isn't that like a blink of an eye for you Gem types?"

"N-no, we pay attention to how time passes." Steven claimed. Unlike him, the Gems never slept. They were probably getting a lot out of those extra hours while he was resting. "And if we didn't, then whatever went down between the two of you would seem like…like yesterday to Pearl. So it'd still be fresh in her mind."

Dandy flinched. "Hrrm…How about that? I lose either way," he pondered out loud, letting out a rueful chuckle.

"Was it really that bad?" he received no response. "I know you guys didn't catch the Shatterlite, but-."

"Oh we caught it all right." Dandy corrected, wringing his hands.

"That's not what Pearl told me."

"Sounds like she doesn't tell you a lot of things." Dandy retorted. "So why should I?"

"Because you promised." Steven said firmly.

Dandy glared at him, thinking that if he scowled hard enough, the kid would drop it. Steven was undaunted, responding with a pointed look of his own that let the alien hunter know that he wasn't backing down. "I did, didn't I?" Dandy hung his head, defeated. "Could we maybe have one last stop on the tour before I do? Those donuts were so-so, but I'd rather they not be the last highlight of the day before it all goes serious."

Steven's form relaxed and he grinned, not seeing the harm in allowing them both one last romp. "No problem, Dandy. What did you have in mind?"

"A second shot at Sadie, of course." If Dandy hadn't smiled so slyly as he said this, Steven might have fallen for it. "No? Nothing? Heh, you catch on fast," he sat up straight and started stroking his chin. "One last hurrah in the sun. Gotta make this count. But it'd be a little lonely if I was the only one enjoying myself. How to do this? Hmmm…" he snapped his fingers. "Steven, you still want to give my rocket boards a try?" the boy nodded eagerly. "Wanna try them right now?"

"That'd be great!"

The young lad's returning enthusiasm was infectious. "It's settled then. That'll be our big finish!" Dandy yelled, jumping to his feet. "Let's get to the Aloha-Oe and get our surf on!"

Steven's face fell. "Th-the ship?"

"That's where my boards are so that's where we're going." Dandy said as he did a few lunges.

"Why don't we just-uh-teleport in there and grab them?" he nervously suggested. "And then teleport out…far, far away from the Aloha-Oe?"

"I've been eating French Fries and Donuts all day." Dandy said, straightening himself out of a squat thrust. "And now I've got calories to spare."

This isn't good, Steven thought. If they went to the ship, then Dandy would find out about the duct tape and what the Gems had done and then – and then – actually, he didn't really know what would happen. It couldn't be good though. "I-I've changed my mind. Let's-."

"Race you!" Dandy ran off.

"Hey! Dandy! Wait up!" Steven cried as he chased after him.

Unbeknownst to Steven, there was another reason that Dandy decided not to use the teleporter. He wanted this to last; stretch it out for as many minutes and miles as he was able. Delay having to tell Pearl's darling tot the truth, because no one's ever in a hurry to lose the trust and admiration of a child once they've earned it **.** But as Dandy had said when the two had first met, being good with kids was still something he was "working on". So he couldn't have known that if there was anything in all of existence that could forgive him as easily as he desired, it was a child.

* * *

Meow sunk his teeth into the flesh behind the fish's eyes, piercing its brain and ending its thrashing. "Not so tough now, are ya?" he asked his kill, smacking his lips.

QT ran an audio file of subdued disgust. "Can't you use your claws for that? Or something from the tackle box for once?"

"Hey, these things tried to bite me first. Not my fault these big-nosed fish are so rabid." He tilted his head and closed his mouth around the fish, keeping a hold on its tail. When he slipped it from between his lips, all that came out was a frowning skeleton, whose bare features made it look only slightly irked that all of its meaty parts had been stripped away by the Betelgeusian's barbed tongue. "Not bad," he belched and threw the remains of his meal into the sea. "Kinda wish the Slammerhead had hit somewhere with better grub though.

"Like where?" QT felt something tug at his second fishing rod and instinctively pulled his line out of the water with a rhythmic flex of his metallic hands. There, jerking on the thread, was another big-nosed magenta guppy. Finding it as dull and dinky as the others he had caught, QT plucked it from the hook and threw it to Meow.

"Places like Florence, Osaka, and Sydney." Meow said, catching the spastic creature between his paws. "Places a little more interesting than the Beachside Backwater we ended up in."

"You certainly found something to do when you should've been warning us about the Gems." QT said, casting out another lure.

"Barely, I really had to put the effort in to keep myself occupied." He jerked his head back as the fish tried to snap at him. The black markings on its face made it look like it had done so with a smile. Creep. Meow unsheathed one of his claws and stuck it under one of the fish's gills until it stopped moving. "Before I know it, our ship goes belly up and I almost become Lion Chow. One minute I'm bored, and the next I'm in mortal terror," he complained as he made quick work of QT's handout. "Not my idea of a good time." Meow tossed the leftover bones off of the side of the sloop and went back to handling his fishing rod and checking his pohone for chwitter updates.

QT understood, but didn't share his disdain. The sea was calm. The sky was blue. The clouds were sparse. And Dandy was miles away. Pole in hand and a gentle saltwater breeze across his face, he almost forgot that the reason they were here was barbarous, fanged, and deadly.

"Pssst."

"Yes, Meow?"

"Pssst."

"Meow, what is it?" QT asked with a slightly sterner tone.

"Pssst!"

QT groaned. This was just petulant of him. "MEOW!"

"Whuh?" Meow removes his earphones out from under his hat. "You say something?"

"Why were you psssting at me? You know I hate getting psst at!"

"I wasn't psssting on you, I was listening to N-nya's Memory of Fleas."

"Well someone was and I don't see anyone else on board."

"Maybe it came from outside the boat."

"What's out there besides saltwater and fish?"

"Pssst."

Now that he was paying attention, QT looked to his left and saw Amethyst peaking out at him from the water. "Amethyst? What are you doing up here? Did you find out where the Slammerhead's hiding?"

"Nah, search isn't going too well." Amethyst said, not sounding very concerned that a malicious and deadly alien was on the loose. "I just can't concentrate, you know?" she slung an arm over the edge of the boat and leaned into it, making the craft tilt slightly. "I have all these questions in my head like…" she blinked, her eyes getting a good look at QT and Meow and how things looked a bit different since she had left them a couple of hours ago. "What's with the second fishing rod?"

"It's just an extra one I brought along so I can catch regular fish while I wait for the Slammerhead to bite."

And you'll be waiting a very long time if that snowglobe's the best you've got, Amethyst wanted to say. "Right. That makes…sense."

"Is that all?"

"That?" Amethyst blew a raspberry at the robotic angler. "Not even close. We want the dirt on Pearl."

"The dirt?"

"We?" Meow asked. Amethyst answered by pointing at something behind him. He turned and was shocked to see Garnet at his right.

"Yo." Garnet greeted, waist deep in water, but not wading in it like Amethyst was. Arms crossed, goggles still wet; her legs didn't seem to be kicking or moving at all. She was just there. "I'm here for your juicy gossip."

QT scratched the side of his hat, perplexed. "Why come to me? She's told you a whole lot of stuff all ready."

"That was just her complaining." Amethyst retorted. " We want to hear about some of the embarrassing situations Pearl got into while she was out there. She was gone for six months! Something even slightly humiliating must've happened to her then!" she propped herself over the edge of the sloop and fluttered her eyelashes at QT. "Please? Before she gets back and stops you from telling us all of her shameful space secrets?"

QT wheeled himself away from Amethyst, casting Garnet as furtive a glance as his black dot eyes could manage. "Are…are you two sure you're her friends?" he asked, taken aback by how the two people Pearl had talked so highly of would want such slanderous material.

Garnet nodded. "She's just fun to tease sometimes."

A flustered Pearl could be pretty funny, QT reflected. And if Amethyst pulled on the side of the sloop any further in her attempts to beg – was she trying to seduce him? He hoped she wasn't - the answers out of him, the ship would probably capsize. Best to give them what they wanted. "Cruel, but fair." Streams of ghostly blue binary fell across QT's visor. His eyes lay behind the descending columns of information, looking left, right, upwards, downwards, and diagonal as it searched for the right folder. "Bingo!" he declared, the streams vanishing from his face. The robot rolled towards the front of the boat, near the bow, so that the others could see what he was about to show them. "Prepare for a tale of monumental mystery and vengeance," his voice trembled dramatically as he wiggled his fingers at them. "One that shall take you to the daunting heights of drama and-."

"Just get on with it all ready!" Amethyst demanded.

"The purple lady's right." Meow said. "Get on with it!"

"Get on with it."

"…okay." QT's features rolled back as he brought up archived footage from an adventure long past.

" _A circus." If Pearl's tone could get any more deadpan, it would need to be disinterred for her to say anything more. "This is how we're going to find the Shatterlite?"_

" _Circuses have fortune tellers, right?" Dandy asked as he adjusted the ship's coordinates for Planet Albee. "Get your palm read or play a little tarot Texas Hold 'Em and you're bound to get a clue."_

_QT studied the leaflet Dandy had handed to him. "I'm guessing that's not the only reason we're going there."_

" _Guilty as charged. They've also got a freakshow. I figure that at least one of the oddities on display is a rare alien hiding in plain sight," he cracked his knuckles. "Not for long though. Mark my words, we're coming out of this with a whole grab bag of carnies to take to market."_

_Pearl put down her flier and scowled at the side of Dandy's head. "Coming from anybody else, that would be unbelievably-."_

"Weak."

The video paused. "I'm sorry, what?"

"QT, Pearl could be back at any minute." Amethyst eyed the water around the sloop with suspicion. "So if you could hurry things along, that'd be swell."

"Skip to the next chapter, dude." Meow ordered.

"If you don't mind." Garnet added.

"…all right." The scene on his screen changed once, twice, thrice, and then resumed.

" _So you're the tin-skinned baby cannonball, the hair gel-chugging vagabond, and the birdcage-hearted ballerina." The masked ringmaster noted to the three disguised alien hunters. "I usually keep my distance from our newest additions. Have them prove themselves worthy of my trust and the trust of the others, but the three of you have been making waves with the audience and with your fellow performers. I admire that in a showman." He brought a hand to his face and the scarlet mask none of them had ever seen him without. "Permit me the pleasure of properly introducing myself. I…am Doctor Deux Bras." he said, taking off the accessory._

" _Dandy…" QT whispered through his glued on pacifier. "His face."_

_Dandy bobbed his head in acknowledgment._

_Doctor Deux Bras looked exactly like an Albeean, but true to his name, he only had-._

"Pick up the pace." Amethyst commanded.

At this, the footage became choppy and twisted; its audio a blizzard of white noise and piercing dins.

"Please." a much huskier and more melodic voice implored.

The distortions and shrieking ceased. Now it appeared that QT was struggling against the bonds of some thick, undulating green rope.

" _Don't worry, Dandy. We're here to bust you out!" the man in white assured as he and the rest of the Aloha-Oe crew's former fellow freaks entered the room._

" _Gumm?" Dandy grunted as the Moebius Snake continued to shrink around him. "How'd you know we were here?"_

" _Curr told us everything." The attraction known as the Singular Twin explained. As he said this, his clothes turned long and black and his face became more delicate and fair._

" _I'm so glad we found you all in time," she looked behind her and said. "Mercurio, if you would be so kind? I think your Sally is being a little too familiar with these three."_

_A young boy wrapped in bandages and feathers stepped forward and fearlessly approached the anomalous anaconda. The lad gestured the creature forward. A forked tongue ribbon slid out of the tightening bundle of reptilian recursion and came towards him in answer. When it was resting in his grasp, Mercurio kissed the surface of the strip, causing the living restraints to quiver and fall away as they rushed to rejoin the piece of 'Sally' in his hand._

" _You saved us." Pearl panted, not quite believing they were alive and free._

" _duh," said Mercurio as he stroked what passed for Sally's head. "We're …not…murderers."_

_QT made a show of checking his hands for damage, not wanting to look their rescuers in the eye. "But we lied to you about being frea-about being different."_

" _Which was ridiculously awful of you three." Stovehead rebuked. "But you guys did help us out. Even if it was in service of a really rotten cause."_

" _And you did come back to warn us about Deux Bras." Kalvin the Snowcone said from within his dome. "Sorry we didn't believe you right away."_

" _Apologies can wait." Dandy said as he helped Pearl to her feet. "But now that we're all on the same page, it's time we make like an exorcist and get the hell out of here!" He started to walk forward, expecting the carnies to make way or exit ahead of him. None of them budged._

" _And just where do you think you lot are going?" Jaqo's right hand growled._

" _Out?" QT offered. "As far away from here as possible?"_

" _You can't just leave!" Curr cried._

" _Yes we can." Dandy stated._

_Curr's anguish twisted into Gomm's confusion. "But how will we stop Deux Bras?" he asked._

" _Stop him? Who said anything about stopping him?"_

_Stovehead shook his fist at Dandy. "It's what we're all here for isn't it? It's why you guys came back."_

_Pearl moved Dandy aside to address the stalwart carnival workers. "We came back because we didn't want any of you to become associated with whatever Deux Bras is going to do to that village," she explained. "Unpalatable as you might be to others, none of you deserve to be fugitives."_

" _Awww, you guys do care." Jaqo's left hand gushed._

" _Doesn't change the fact that the Doc's got to be stopped," said Stovehead._

" _We don't even know what his plan is!" Pearl screeched. "Let alone how to stop it!"_

" _Surely we can try…" Gomm lamented, morphing into his sister. "Promise us you'll at least try." Curr begged._

_Pearl would have refused. In fact, she wanted to refuse. This wasn't their fight and it didn't have to be the fight of these carnies. The awfulness of what Deux Bras wanted to do to that town was only rivaled with how crummy the people there had treated them all. No matter how daring or impressive their performances, she and the others had been jeered at, ridiculed, and mocked regardless. She now understood why the mad ringmaster wanted to wipe it off the face of the planet. Why couldn't they? How could these outcasts before her have any sympathy for those that had mistreated them so? What was wrong with them?_

… _what was wrong with her?_

" _If you insist." Pearl conceded._

" _WHAT?!" Dandy and QT yelled._

" _Wonderful!" Kalvin cheered. "With you guys helping us, stopping the Doctor should be a cinch!"_

_The crack of a laser bolt shattered the air._

" _Your EMPLOYER begs to differ!"_

"Who the hell are these weirdos?" Meow loudly inquired.

"Characters you could've gotten to know if we had started from the beginning." QT nagged.

"The snake thing was cool." Amethyst admitted. "But the rest was still really tame. Get to the good stuff! Get to the scandal!"

"We're almost at the end." QT said. "But have it your way." The furious mastermind on his screen was replaced with a much more vibrant video of rolling color.

* * *

_Dandy fired over and over again at the polyurethane flesh beneath him, only for each of his beams to curl into bouncing, helium-filled orbs of latex just before they struck. As the blue balloons floated past him in the wind, he tried jamming the pointed end of his ray gun into the surface, but it too was transfigured into an inflatable caricature of itself, popping between Dandy's hand and what it had hoped to pierce. His yelp of pain and surprise was brief and it wasn't long before he had thrown himself onto the buoyant ground and started to bite and claw at it. "This curse is the pits. QT! You having any more luck?"_

" _Not much." QT whined, trying to keep his worn wheels from sinking into and slipping off of the pliant, curved frame they were trying to wreck. "My fingers are too blunt and my punches just bounce off of it."_

" _Pearl, what about you?"_

" _Making…some…progress," she answered between slashes._

_The aura that was protecting the bulbous behemoth had turned her spears into long turquoise balloons the moment she tried to use them, but they were still far from harmless. Years of practice and discipline made it so that even something as floppy and fragile as a balloon a deadly weapon in her hands. She could still cut with it, much to the astonishment of the others, but the airy automaton's hide was thick and these improvised polearms didn't last very long. "Ack!" Pearl yelped as her former spear popped in her grip. "This is an exceptionally stupid way to take vengeance on somebody," she moaned, pulling another spear out of her Gem to continue her assault._

_Dandy couldn't argue with that. Sending a blimp-sized, fire-breathing, balloon giant wouldn't be his go-to method of getting payback. Then again, he wasn't an unhinged circus ringmaster-cum-warlock who was run out of his hometown for having two arms instead of three. So who was he to judge? The clown make-up was a little much though. There was adding insult to injury and then there was pouring acid onto a guy's spilled out intestines. "Yeah, but it's working. And getting killed by a clown this big is a pretty stupid way to die too. I guess everyone's coming out of this looking like an idiot."_

" _Even the chumps trying to stop it?" QT asked._

" _We'll only be chumps if we don't succeed." Dandy explained as he tried to dig one of his sharper fingernails into the parade balloon pierrot. "We can't give up when the stakes are this stupid! We'd never live it down!"_

" _Well…huh…said, Dandy." Pearl huffed as her latest balloon spear burst. "We're so close…" she tried to summon another spear into being. This would be her 23_ _rd_ _for the day. Or maybe it was the 24_ _th_ _? 25_ _th_ _? It was getting hard to keep track. "Just a little…more." Her gem flashed and sputtered. A blob of light spilled out of it and instantly fizzled out. Her body started to sway, as if dazed at her failure, and then went limp._

" _Pearl!" Dandy yelled as he half-crawled, half-ran to her collapsed form as she started to slide down the balloon monster's back. He leapt and slid across the fabric, getting close enough to grab her wrists. When he got his hands on them, he felt one of QT's arms wrap around his ankles and pull them back to semi-safety. "Don't freak us out like that!" Dandy yelled, pulling her up against him. "You might be crazy tough, but we're dozens of feet above the ground!"_

" _I-I'm fine." Pearl said weakly. "Bring me back…to where I fell…please."_

_She looked weak; more exhausted than he had ever seen her. Her thin body and feathery weight against his hands added to this sense of frailty. She could scarcely keep her eyes open, but there was still a fierceness in them that compelled Dandy to obey. He cautiously dragged her along, bracing himself against the headwinds of the giant jester's flight. QT slowly teetered after them. Upon reaching the spot she had been slashing, Dandy saw that there was a foot long horizontal gash on this part of the lurid titan. It was about an inch deep, discolored and faded, and filled with worn and cut fibers. His dried lips let out an impressed whistle. "You weren't kidding about making progress." Certainly more than he and QT had managed._

_The tips of her hair tickled his nose as she nodded. "Concentrated all my attacks on a single area…more efficient and…effective that way." Pearl brought a hand to her forehead. "One more ought to do it." A stream of light began to flow from her Gem, but it flickered into nothingness when she tried to grab it. She tried again. This beam didn't even wait for her touch to dissipate it and promptly vanished. "No…" she cried softly._

_Dandy carefully braced an arm behind Pearl as he brought the other to the tear to scratch through it. No good. He could feel how thin it was, but despite its suppleness, it was still too taught to break. "Damn!" he cursed. "QT!"_

_The robot complied and reached over Dandy and plunged his hands into the vulnerability. Over the billowing winds and the barotraumas in his ear, he heard the surface rudely squeak at QT's hands trying to push past, before it suddenly repelled them. "Come on, come on, you stupid-." QT demanded, but his second attempt was similarly rebuffed._

_Dandy heard a labored grunt coming from in front of him and sighed. "Would you cut that out? You can't even stand right now."_

_Pearl's words came out in a hopeless whisper. "But we're so close. We can't fail…we shouldn't fail."_

" _What can I tell you, Pearl? Near-success stings just as badly as total failure." Dandy said as he got them both seated. "Maybe even more so." And what a near success this was; A lot of people – granted, it was a lot of unfriendly people - were going to die, QT was useless, the mad doctor was getting away, and the only thing that looked worse than Pearl right now was his hair. Victory might taste sweet, but it sure was bitter when it was unripe._

" _At least we'll have a nice view of Deux Bras' hometown getting burned to ashes." QT said, deciding not to mention that as the only one among them that needed to breathe, the fumes would probably end up suffocating Dandy to death._

_Nevertheless, this failed to console the man on any level. "I wish we could get to the ship somehow. Maybe try ramming this giant jolly jackass."_

" _I kept telling you to get the teleporter fixed…" Pearl softly scolded._

" _I could still let you fall overboard, you know." Dandy threatened, though his hold around her waist didn't slacken in the slightest._

" _That probably wouldn't help anyway." QT lamented. "The Aloha-Oe would just turn into a giant balloon like everything else we've thrown at this cruddy colossus."_

" _Hey, cruising around the stars in our bouncy castle space shuttle could be fun." Dandy smiled at the thought. "The only downside I can think of is that it'd probably end up popping the moment Pearl tripped and landed…on…her…her…"_

" _On my…what?" Pearl asked. "Dandy, you spaced out there for a second. On my what?" she craned her neck as best as she could, but wasn't able to catch his eye. She did manage to get her head far enough to see QT staring in Dandy's direction. For a few seconds, the automaton remained motionless. Then his pupils dilated and shrank, darted in her direction, and then went back to looking at Dandy._

_Wordlessly, QT wheeled around the pair so that he was now across the gash and in front of his exhausted, helpless crewmate. "Pearl, it's going to be okay." QT put his hands on her shoulders. "…I think."_

" _Think? About whaahahaugh!" she shrieked as QT pulled and Dandy lifted, flipping her upwards. As her feet left the ground, Pearl feared that Dandy was making good on his empty threat and was tossing her off of the balloon. But as suddenly as it had started, her airborne journey came to an abrupt end. Once the panic has passed, she saw that the gash she had created was now above her. Or if the feeling of Dandy and QT's arms around her body was of any indication, she was being held above it, vertical and face first. The two of them grunted in exertion as they moved a little forward, then a little back, until she was looking down at a particularly thin and vulnerable looking section of the injury. "I…what…what was that for?" she asked, the panic and confusion giving her voice some much missed power and urgency. "What is this?"_

" _If we want this bozo blimp to go the way of the Hindenburg, we need something sharp with a lot of force behind it that the spell won't touch." Dandy said. "And there's only one thing on hand that fits the bill."_

_When Pearl didn't reply right away, Dandy took that as a sign that she understood and was totally cool with what the three of them were about to accomplish. The more perceptive and less self-absorbed QT on the other hand, recognized this silence for the befuddlement that it was. "It's on your face," he meekly stated._

" _My face? Are you referring to my Gem? It's not sharp or pointed at all. There's nothing on my face that's…that's…no…no, no, no, No, NO, NO! You are not-! With my-! NO! We are not doing this!"_

" _Hey you're the one that said we shouldn't fail when we're so very, very, very close to fulfilling your promise." Dandy reminded._

" _Dandy, this aerial abomination has turned everything that's tried to hurt it into party favors!" Pearl yelled. "I do not want to be turned into a balloon because of one of your idiotic gambits!"_

" _That won't happen." Dandy claimed. "When we tried using weapons, those got all transfigured. But when I tried going at it with my fingers, fists, and teeth, nothing happened. So I'm thinking that someone's body parts fall into some kind of magic loophole that Deux Bras overlooked."_

" _That's not reassuring at all!"_

" _Pearl, there comes a time when a man…and a robot…and a talking rock have to use everything they've got to get the job done." Dandy clumsily proclaimed. "And you're all we've got."_

" _And what if it's not enough?"_

" _We fail." QT answered bluntly. "At the rate it's flying, this clown is going to get to the village in less than a minute."_

" _Whoah. Good enough for me. Get ready, QT! We got us a town full of jerks to save!" Dandy ordered._

" _She's totally going to kill us after this is all over," the robot moaned._

" _You bet I will!" Pearl shouted._

" _Sounds like a problem for future Dandy and QT." Dandy said. "But for Dandy and QT right now, it's time to blow this sucker. Ready?"_

" _R-ready!" QT acknowledged._

" _NOT READY!"_

_Heedless of this, Dandy said. "Then on the count of three." Pearl felt herself being lifted and steadied. "One," she tried to squirm her away out of their grasp, but none of the anger was going into her limbs. "Two," She could just turn away; look down, look sideways. That'd quash their dimwitted scheme. They'd fail and people would fry, but what kind of victory could be won in such an asinine way? "Three!"_

" _WAAAAAAAGH!" QT screeched._

" _ **UNLEASH THE BEAK!"**_

_Pearl didn't even have time to yell at Dandy for saying something so stupid when he and QT swung their arms down, thrusting her and her nose into the gash. Through the numbness of the ensuing collision, she could feel threads starting to tear as her face sank deeper into the yielding fabric. When the comical travesty beneath tried to push back, it just caused more of it to be torn by the tip of her prominent snout. This couldn't be happening. It was working. Why was this working? Why this? Why her?_

" _I hate you…" her words came out in a nasally whine. "I hate you both so mu-!"_

_***POP!*** _

* * *

"Whooooooooosh! Whoooooooooosh! - You kind of have to imagine it because my camera got damaged while we were holding on for dear life – Whoooooooosh!" QT sounded out as he made his arms duck and weave through the air, having them shorten and lengthen as needed. "All that air rushing out of the hole was making us fly all over the place. The sound was so loud that I couldn't even hear us screaming. I didn't think it would ever end." His hands serpentined upwards, reaching a twisted crescendo of sorts, before tumbling down to the deck of the boat in a clunky heap. "It did of course. We ran out of air and fell to the ground, but the clown made for a really great cushion and drag chute; it practically saved our lives." He held back a giggle as he drew his arms back. "You'll never guess where we landed."

"Was it on Deux Bras?" Garnet asked.

A big green check mark flashed across QT's facial display. "Correct! We flopped right on top of his caravan while he was making his getaway to the starport. Some luck, huh?" the robot beamed. "I couldn't see any of it happening, but from what my audio sensors picked up, Dandy and Pearl freed the freaks and turned Deux Bras in. The rest of the carnies decided to keep the circus going without him. Last I heard, they were doing pretty well for themselves in Las Nirvana." QT finished. Overall, he was largely satisfied with how it turned out. Being coerced into zipping through most of the video's events had been irksome and even rude. He had lived through the entirety of that – which was a lot harder than it sounded – and his viewers just wanted him to step over it all to get at what interested them. Nevertheless, he thought the highlights they'd seen had gotten the essential core and basic gist of the episode across, if not the nuances. Amethyst and Garnet appeared to be satisfied, but it was Meow's reaction that QT anticipated the most. He had been the crew's…Meow…for many moons, but never asked about what life was like before he joined up. Perhaps he'd take this opportunity to do so.

Meow snorted. "Unleash the Beak," he giggled.

Or he could just fixate on that.

"Unleash the Beak!" Amethyst parroted loudly, slapping the water around her. "I always knew that nose had to be good for something!"

Once again, Meow caused a wave of laughter to roll over the people around him. Only this time, he wasn't the primary subject of the ridicule.

Due to the fact that most of them didn't need to breath to laugh, it took a while for them to finish and for Garnet to ask. "How'd Pearl get back at you and Dandy for that?"

"Strangely enough, she never did." QT said. "She just avoided us for a couple of days and it was a while before she talked to us again." He chuckled. "Personally, I think she was waiting for her nose to heal. Otherwise she would've sounded like this." QT adjusted his speakers so that 'sounded like this' came out in a clogged warble.

"Or maybe I was just really mad at you two."

"Or maybe she was just really mad at u-." QT looked behind him. Pearl was hanging from the ship's bow, condemnation radiating from her hard, pointed features.

QT cried out in fear and hastily backed away, ramming into Meow's stomach and painfully knocking the breath out of him. "GAK!" Meow choked.

Pearl watched this unfold with a level of impassiveness that bordered on the eerie. Certainly more than anyone could normally muster at seeing a vacuum cleaner robot collide with a big space cat. Her voice was just as stiff and neutral. "Now that we're all done slacking off, maybe we can get back to work."

"Have it your way. I got what I wanted." Amethyst pushed herself away from the boat and turned herself into an orca. "Catch you later, beaky!" she jeered, before diving back into the ocean.

The mockery failed to provoke any noticeable reaction from Pearl. "Garnet?"

Garnet flashed her a thumbs-up and slowly sank down; her gesture was the last thing to go under.

Taking the hint, QT got off of Meow and went back to holding his fishing rods. The Betelgeusian followed suit. QT waited for the sound of Pearl joining her fellow Gems beneath the waves to seek the Slammerhead out, but it didn't come. Though lacking nerves or flesh, he could still feel her staring holes into his back with those piercing blue eyes of hers.

Contrary to his apprehensions, Pearl hadn't meant to linger. After chancing upon QT telling the others all about that harrowing misadventure with the circus, she decided to let him finish before making her presence known; Allow them to have their fun at her considerable expense and then give them a little scare. She had intended to go back underwater herself once she was sure her teammates had, but now, Meow aside, it was just her and QT. No Garnet. No Amethyst. No Dandy. No Steven. She might never get another chance. "QT."

The robot shuddered. "Y-yes?"

"I've always wanted to ask…did you know?"

"Kn-know what?

"QT…" she said, her voice wavering. "Did you KNOW?"

Most robots had very good poker faces, especially rudimentary appliance models like QT. However, to compensate for his lack of proper facial features, QT used his body and voice to express his emotions. Scratching his head conveyed confusion. A quick halt in his speech denoted hesitation and uncertainty. He'd even make his body tremble whenever he was scared and bounced on his wheels when he laughed. None of it was necessary, he was animated by choice. As a result, talking with him was as much a pantomime performance as it was a conversation.

That said, stillness and silence could still speak volumes.

Pearl waited for him to look her way to say something, to fidget and stutter nonsense as he tried to explain. But none of that came to pass. He just sat there with his back towards her; quiet as a tomb. A stark and distant response to be sure, but he had answered all the same.

"I thought so."

Pearl let go of the boat and swam back down into the depths.

* * *

Of course he had. Lacking lips didn't mean that QT couldn't be a kiss-up. For all she knew, he might've been all for it. Those gentle manners masked a desire for wealth that could dwarf Dandy's depending on the day; a vacuum cleaner with the soul of a slot machine.

Such were her thoughts as she travelled deeper and deeper into the water. If the Slammerhead was anywhere, it'd be down. Garnet had sensed as much. She could trust Garnet. Unlike QT.

Trusting a robot. What a lark. Yes, they had shared a love of cleanliness and a mutual scorn for Dandy's asinine behavior. Sometimes, he was the only person…thing…she could talk to and his not needing to eat, drink, or breath often made him the most Gem-like creature in parsecs; a fellow voice of reason in a galaxy that seemed to be just as bizarre and eccentric as their – for lack of a better word – captain. Perhaps that made their friendship understandable, though it turned out to be just as artificial as QT was.

The sea was darker here, blackness for miles around. A part of her Gem, some primal and craven fragment, urged her to turn back and leave. Head towards the light, for what lurks in shrouded corners are best left alone. She pushed it aside and morphed back into her humanoid form. Light started to pour out from her forehead, dozens of little orbs of glowing blue drifted forth into the shadows, forcing them back. Pearl had foregone doing this at first, fearing that the illumination would alert the Slammerhead to her presence, but feeling as lousy as she did, a good fight would be a welcome distraction.

After a moment of concentration, she amplified the glow from her Gem into a thick beam of light, much more powerful than the orbs she had produced. Then she started to swim through the brightened bleakness, shining the beam to seek out whatever was beyond the range of her miniature constructs. Some said that being underwater was comparable to being in space. They were full of it, of course. Water was a bootleg version of the zero-g enormousness beyond Earth's atmosphere. But she'd be damned if what she had made didn't remind of stars. And here she was, travelling past DIY constellations and towards inconceivable danger for a quick buck. Not unlike that blasted ship of his.

The Aloha-Oe. Another of the defective pieces of equipment in Dandy's possession. If it hadn't broken down, Dandy and his cronies would've been long gone by now. It boggled her mind that it had managed to survive the alien hunter's peril-wrought lifestyle for so long when flipping it over had been enough to make it inoperable. She didn't even hit it that hard! How she had ever allowed herself to ever feel at ease in that tacky clunker, she might never know. It was even colored like a lemon. Now that she thought about it, there was that one time…

That's when her searchlight did something strange. Well, not really strange as Pearl understood why it did what it did, but it was still rather unexpected. As it was directly linked to her thoughts and desires, the end of the beam had changed shape and its position became fixed. Pearl remained oblivious to the alteration and by the time she became aware of it, she was all ready face-to-face with the projection.

It looked like a door, a closed, concave sliding door. She remembered this door, though when she had first encountered it, it had been a dull, metallic gray. It stood sentinel at the end of a hallway that everyone passed by and no one entered, herself included. Until one day…

* * *

" _Before you go in, you might want to put this on." QT said, holding up a thin piece of cloth to Pearl._

" _That's a blindfold." Pearl pointed out._

_QT gulped. As to why a robot would even need to gulp, Pearl had no idea. "Y-yeah it is. You know, because it'll be so bright inside."_

_One of her eyebrows lifted in puzzlement. "Can't I just put on a pair of our solar flare goggles?"_

" _It's really, really, really bright inside." QT claimed, splaying out his free hand at each 'really' for emphasis. "But if the blindfold's too weird, you can always shut your eyes. Just-uh-use echolocation to find your way around."_

" _I don't know how to use echolocation," said Pearl. "Why would I know how to do that?"_

_QT shrugged and tapped his visor. "I dunno, you seem to pull new powers out of your butt every other adventure."_

" _I pull nothing of the kind!" Pearl cried, aghast at the way QT had phrased that sentence. "Just open these doors so we can fix the problem and get this over with."_

" _Okay." QT typed a combination into a nearby control panel, whose buttons seemed oddly pristine for such an important room. "If that's what you want." He said as the doors slid open._

_Up until this point, Pearl had thought that the Aloha-Oe was a perfectly fine spacefaring vessel. It was functional, spacious, and above all, fast. Sure it was obnoxiously yellow, looked like an enormous metal canoe with nostrils, and was owned and piloted by one of the biggest clods she had ever met in her entire life. But it carried her through the strange and gorgeous vistas of space whose beauty she had almost forgotten. And besides, what were aesthetics but a passing fancy? It's what was inside the ship that counted, or so she told herself. However, like the man who bummed around inside of it, the Aloha-Oe was full of surprises. Most of which weren't very pleasant._

" _I did try to warn you." QT said._

_Pearl dropped her toolbox._

_Seated at the cockpit, Dandy thought he heard a familiar and furious scream from the other side of the Aloha-Oe. He decided he must've been imagining things and returned to his magazine until his communicator violently flared to life in light and volume._

" _DAAAAAAAAAAAAANDY!" Pearl's voice shrieked from the device._

" _OW!" Dandy cried, getting his bracelet as far away from his ears as he could without removing it. "Pearl! Indoor voice! And why are you calling me on the communicator? The two of us are still on the Aloha-Oe!"_

_Pearl was unrepentant, in fact, she sounded angrier than she had ever been before, if that was possible. "Because I'm afraid that if I take my eyes off of your "engines", then whatever miracle keeping them together will disappear and we'll all be dead!"_

_Dandy sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "So I'm guessing that you didn't take the blindfold."_

" _I should have! I can't believe this travesty has been getting us through space this whole-!" she paused. There was a wet, sticky squishing noise coming from her end of the transmission. "Wh-what did I step on? Is this gum? Oh my word, there's gum everywhere!"_

" _This is why I don't like coming here." QT chimed in._

_Dandy groaned. Couldn't those two neat freaks do something as simple as this? "Look, just do your job and don't mess with the engine too much."_

" _This isn't an engine!" Pearl spat. "This is a house of cards set up by a very lucky 4-year old. This thing could give out at any moment and leave us stranded with no life support. Or maybe it'll just explode and take us with it. And you sent us here to_ _ **FIX THE AIR CONDITIONING**_ _?!"_

" _Well I know it doesn't really matter to you and QT, but things are getting kinda toasty." Dandy said, having all ready draped his trademark jacket over his chair to cool himself down._

" _How could a ship like this fall into the hands of someone who was completely ignorant of how to properly maintain it?!" Pearl's tone framed the question as a rhetorical one, but it nonetheless caused her crewmates to awkwardly cough into their hands and turn away. Those shared, phony affectations told her everything she wanted to know and confirmed several long held suspicions, but she still felt compelled to ask. " You stole it, didn't you?"_

" _For your information, I escaped with it!" Dandy proudly declared. "During an awesome adventure full of explosions and heartbreak…that you're probably too mad to appreciate right now."_

" _This is completely unaccepta-!" her transmission, if not her insult, was halted when Dandy decided he had had enough short-distance chastisement for one day and switched his communicator off._

" _Thank god for volume control," he muttered as went back to staring at centerfolds._

_Unfortunately, Dandy didn't think to lock the door, which probably would've stopped Pearl from stomping in and dragging him out by the pompadour. Incidentally, the lock system was also broken_

" _Ow-ow-ow! Not so rough, baby!" Dandy pleaded._

_Pearl's response was to pull at his hair that much harder. "I'm going to teach you everything I know about space travel and if you learn enough, then maybe I'll think about fixing the AC!"_

_And so, Dandy got a crash course on how to keep the Aloha-Oe from actually crashing in more ways than one. He didn't come out a scholar, but his know-how would do in a pinch. And the AC did get fixed, so it all worked out in the end._

* * *

The door melted back into a flat plate of light as the beam stretched away from Pearl just as originally intended. Stupid ship, she thought as she continued her search. Stupid QT. And all that gum. Her body shook at the memory of having to scrape all of it off so she could properly mend the engine's fractures.

Well now, to borrow a human colloquialism, the worm had turned. Now it was Dandy's turn to be betrayed by his oversized jerry-rigged dinghy and his two-faced, no-faced robot stooge. It had been hours since they had left the shore. Was he starting to feel trapped? Was he starting to feel alone? Abandoned? Served him right. That's what you got for being so trusting of ships and robots and…her.

Though it probably wasn't so bad as to be completely unbearable. He had food, water, entertainment. Dandy might feel a little desperate and closed-in, but there was a very low likelihood of him coming out of this with severe mental trauma. He'd be fine. And if he wanted to talk to someone, he could always give Meow or QT a call.

A call.

She shut off the searchlight and stopped swimming. Pearl looked around to see if the others were nearby. When she didn't see either Garnet or Amethyst skulking about, she pulled the item out of her Gem and dimmed the light of her constructs. You could never be too careful.

There was still enough light for her to gaze at what she had brought with her; a slim golden bracelet with a blue fiberglass ring wrapped around its center. When in use, the ring would light up, that is, if it wasn't broken. And as the large diagonal tear that cut clear and deep through its layers would attest; it was very broken.

Trapped air from within the device bubbled out of the crevice like the last pitiful gasp of a drowning man. Water flooded its insides, destroying whatever hope anyone would have of salvaging the item's electronics. She looked down at the golden ring as she often had in the weeks that followed her return to Earth until she could put it aside, her hold tender and tinged with regret. Then with nary an ounce of anger or malice, she let it fall from her hands.

As Pearl watched the communicator tumble into the deep, an old regret bloomed in her chest and mixed with the new. All this resentment towards QT and the Aloha-Oe for colluding with Dandy, for aiding in his misdeeds, when it could be argued that the innocuous device she had let slip from her fingers was the machine to blame. For if it hadn't been made inoperable during that last job of theirs; if she had gotten it fixed or replaced right away, then maybe, just maybe Dandy wouldn't have had such an easy time stabbing her in the back.

* * *

"You just turned the ship around and left it there?" Steven asked, backing away as slowly as possible.

"The thing crash landed on a no man's dead zone planetoid blitzed with nuclear fallout and crawling with vicious mutants. You bet we turned around." Dandy said, relaxing his pace so he wouldn't end up kicking or stepping on Steven by accident.

Steven had tried chasing after the star on the back of Dandy's jacket for a few hundred yards and failed to close the gap. How did a man with such heavy boots move so fast? To catch up, he had needed to – partially – feign hyperventilation twice to make Dandy slow down and come back for him. However, he wasn't able to dissuade Dandy from continuing his trek towards the Aloha-Oe. I don't feel well; There's a first aid kit on the ship. I'm thirsty; I've got some sodas in the fridge. I read that there's a storm coming; Awesome, the waves will be even better. And so on.

So Steven had settled for trying to hinder their progress as much and as subtly as possible, hoping that all this passive-aggressive obstruction would cause Dandy to give up and decide to go somewhere else. He needed to get this done fast. They were almost there.

"But you were so close to catching it." Steven protested, trying to keep Dandy's attentions squarely on him lest he lift his head and notice something amiss with the still distant Aloha-Oe.

"Steven, as weird as this is going to sound, rare aliens are more common than you think." Dandy said, turning his nose up at this poor, ignorant child. "So I'm not going to waste my time or risk my life chasing one if it isn't...worth…the…trouble?" he stopped in his tracks, just as Steven had wanted. But he wasn't looking at the young Gem. He was looking over him. "What the hell?" he started to run towards the Aloha-Oe.

"Wait! Dandy! I think I'm feeling a cramp come o-whoah!" Steven tried to lie, only for Dandy to pick him up and sling him across his shoulders piggyback style.

"We'll rub it out later, kid! Something's wrong with the Aloha-Oe!" Dandy barked as he dashed forward, carrying Steven all the way.

Steven would have attempted to complain of nausea or make up some other excuse to get him to stop, but he was too preoccupied with dodging the pointy, gelled-up, back portion of Dandy's hair to try. When he managed to find a safe haven from the stylish spikes, the alien hunter had stopped running and let him down.

Reluctantly, Steven walked out from behind Dandy to look at the Aloha-Oe. The Gems had certainly done a bang-up job. There was duct tape everywhere, all of it tightly wound and thickly. It was impressive, albeit ultimately unsuccessful as demonstrated by Dandy's being outside of the ship. Right next to him. Oh boy.

"I can explain. You see-."

"VANDALS!"

"Vandals?"

"I leave the ship alone for a couple of hours and some punks truss it up like a Space Nipponese por-uh-'art film' star!" he yelled, sending a splash of sand sideward with a kick. "I bet it was that Onion kid. The one that ambushed me and stole all our gulls!"

"He kicked you in the shin."

"And you didn't chase after him!"

"What were we going to do with a box full of burnt seagull carcasses?!"

"Not give them away, that's for sure." Dandy snapped. "And if it wasn't him, who else could it be?"

Who else could it be? Steven's eyes widened. He could use this! The boy bit the inside of his cheek and silently apologized to his quiet – and oftentimes creepy – friend for what he had to do. "Hmmm, I guess this is something Onion would do." Steven said, not quite fibbing. This kind of prank wasn't beyond Onion's abilities or against his – potentially nonexistent - scruples. "He's done stuff like truancy, a little shoplifting, some grand theft auto, and a bit of (probably accidental) arson in the past." Wow, now even he was starting to believe that Onion had done it. "So he could've done it."

"The kid's a truant? Jeez. And to think I complimented him on how he wore his sweater." Dandy laced his fingers above his head and stretched. "Ah well, we'll get some payback later. Right now, we gotta get all this crap off of the Aloha-Oe post-haste." He bent forward to touch his toes. "She isn't into this kind of stuff, if you know what I mean."

Steven didn't. "We're still going through with it then?"

"It's our last shot at fun before sunset. So hell yeah we're going through with it." Dandy flashed him a toothy grin and flexed his arms. "When it comes to stuff like this, Dandy ain't no quitter, baby!"

The heartfelt energy and glamour in Dandy's boast caused Steven to smile in turn. How had they ever thought that something as simple as duct tape could contain someone like this? "Yeah, let's do this!" he cried, not seeing a reason not to. The secret was safe, the two of them were pumped, and the truth was only a rocket board ride away.

The duct tape wouldn't stand a chance.

* * *

"Oh, h-hi Pearl." QT stuttered.

Pearl wasn't that surprised when she emerged from the water to see Amethyst and Garnet hanging around the boat's bulwarks with QT not fishing and probably in the middle of telling them another embarrassing tale involving humiliation getting the better of her. A little disappointed, but not very surprised.

"We were just taking a break." Garnet said.

"It's fine." Pearl assured as she flipped herself into the sloop with the bowsprit and sat herself down. "I could use a break myself."

"Pffft."

Pearl looked starboard at the source of the muffled snicker and said to Amethyst. "Go ahead."

And Amethyst did, letting out a raucous roar of laughter. Her hysterics were so debilitating, that she couldn't be bothered to keep herself buoyant. She dropped down between the waves, creating a ceaseless geyser of bubbles as she descended.

"It wasn't that funny." Meow criticized. "A 6/10 at the most."

Insulting as that rating and the situation surrounding it was, Pearl didn't feel like getting angry. All that searching and thinking had been heavy, bitter work. She just wanted to lie back and rest for a few minutes.

"Are you okay?" QT delicately asked.

Clearly, a little peace and quiet was too much to ask for. "Yes…no…I don't know," she said, her eyes to the sky.

"Want to talk about it?" Garnet asked.

"I just feel like…like trapping Dandy in the ship could've gone better."

"You guys tied it up just fine." Meow assured as he adjusted his reel. "And Dandy was none the wiser."

"No, I think we performed that maneuver flawlessly." Pearl said with a smidgen of pride. "It's not about how well we did it, but…how we did it. If that makes sense."

"Are you thinking that what you did was wrong?" QT offered.

"Definitely not. It was the best option available," she retorted. "We did the right thing, but I wish I could have talked to him; explain why it needed to be done instead of leaving him in there without a clue."

"Probably wouldn't have worked." Garnet stated.

"I know." Pearl exhaled, covering her eyes with the back of her arm. "But stranding him there like that for hours….oh what have I done?"

"Chin up, Pearl." Meow said encouragingly. "If Dandy ever gets bored he can always just teleport out of there."

Pearl bolted upright. "What?" she choked, her face somehow becoming even paler than it normally was. "He fixed it?"

"Technically, I fixed it." QT pointed to himself. "It took a while, but it works just fine now."

"But the engine is busted." Pearl bargained, trying to hold herself together.

"The backup generators should be enough to power it." QT revealed. "Why? Is that a problem?"

"Y-I-wh-ah-Dandy-free-Steven-danger-I-you-me-I-rrrAUGH!" Pearl rambled and roared. She grabbed QT by the sides of his head and pulled him towards her until her nose was pressed against his visor. No uncertainty in her eyes now, just pure unmistakable outrage.

"Please don't hurt me."

"Why didn't you tell me he could teleport out of the ship?!" she demanded, viciously shaking the robot all the while.

"Y-your 'him or Garnet' pitch was so confident and well-worded that I thought you had taken the teleporter into consideration! I thought you knew!"

"You pinhead!" Pearl screamed as she tossed QT at Meow, eliciting a pained 'Not again!' from the Betelgeusian. "YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT TO BEGIN WITH!"

Garnet really should have tried to stop Pearl from diving off of the sloop; perhaps by saying some words of determent like 'hold on' or 'wait'. Sadly, the gears in her sizable head were obstructed by a perfectly valid and ill-timed question: Was she? And Pearl's desperate charge through the vast saltwater expanse replied, Yes. Yes she was.

Not long after, Amethyst rose to the surface. "Ohhhhh, I needed that," She moaned blissfully. "So what did I miss?"

"Trap failed. Dandy's loose. Pearl's swimming back to Beach City." Garnet summarized, gesturing Pearl's way with her thumb.

They thought they could hear her scream, "I'm coming Steven!" But that might've just been the wind.

"Huh." Amethyst hooked her arms around the side of the boat to get a better view of her retreating companion.

"Think I should've offered to bubble her back to the Temple?" Garnet asked. "Would've been a lot faster than…that."

"Nah, let her take the scenic route. It'll help her work out all that frustration so when she gets back home, she won't be so angry."

"Or." Meow groaned as he pushed QT off of him. "The trip could just make her even madder."

"Yeah." Amethyst nodded. "That's way more likely."

* * *

Getting rid of the duct tape proved to be a tougher task than Steven or Dandy had anticipated. Fitting really. Dandy had often espoused the virtues of "going with the flow" and the core strength of duct tape lay in how its viscoelastic properties just didn't allow that. He and Steven had tried to pull, rip, and tear through the strips of blended polymer to little success.

They had even sought out sharp objects to try and cut it away: fragmented seashells, Dandy's belt buckle, plastic utensils Steven had found in the garbage, and the occasional sluggish crab. It wasn't until Lion had passed by and dropped a switchblade at their feet that they started to make some actual progress. Personally, Dandy would've preferred that the lion help them directly instead of leaving behind a knife and walking off, but it never paid to look a gift cat in the mouth. Particularly when that mouth could tear your head off with a single bite.

The switchblade was rather sharp and though there was still a lot of tough, shiny tape to cut through, at least they could cut through it now. Armed with the right tool, Dandy set about freeing not only the landing platform, but the comparatively restrained cockpit, emergency exits, and a few hatches whose purpose Steven could only guess at. The man claimed it would all be worth it in the end and the boy was happy to help when he could.

Conversation was initially scant. They were too busy grunting and heaving to talk. Now that things were going much smoother, there was time to chatter. The current topic? One of Steven's most cherished comic books, whose title Dandy had recognized back when they were at the Temple. It wasn't a discussion about the writing or the art. Nor was it a dialogue addressing the deeper themes and cultural impact of the franchise. Their debate was concerned with the most controversial and important question in the entire series; an argument that haunts and inflames the hearts of fanboys to this day.

"I can't believe Usagi's your favorite, man." Dandy said as he labored to slice through an exceptionally stubborn strip of tape. "I thought Jupiter or Mars would be more your speed."

"What's wrong with liking the title character of the show?" Steven tried to sound neutral, but there was an undercurrent of hurt in his question. "I bet lots of people love Usagi."

"Nobody likes Usagi."

Steven gasped. Surely he was joking. How could people not like Usagi? She was always so happy and nice and funny. He'd be the first to admit that she wasn't perfect; she could be a bit of a lazy ditz in some episodes. But that was part of her charm and if it hadn't been for her, the other Scouts would've remained grumpy, sad, and alone. People were entitled to their own opinions, but Dandy's was just plain wrong. "Oh yeah? Well who's your favorite?" Steven countered, wracking his brain for the likeliest candidate. "Let me guess, It's Minako, isn't it?"

"ENNNK! WRONG!" Dandy blared. "Haruka's where it's at, Steven."

"Sailor Uranus?" Steven was shocked. Didn't Dandy remember how she and Michiru had acted during the Heart Stealer arc? Perhaps he hadn't read or watched that far yet. "But…but…she's-."

"Yeah, Venus is an all right Scout." Dandy admitted. "I really dug her lone wolf, sixth ranger phase and she has her charms. But there's simply no beating Haruka. Punt your biases aside and look at her objectively: Bursting with confidence and poise. That impeccable taste in clothes, cars and women," he inhaled deeply and let out an indulgent sigh. "And a hot girlfriend that lets her do all the flirting she wants."

"I don't think Neptune actually liked it when Haruka flirted with other girls."

"Meh. Whatever. What you should be taking away from all this is that Sailor Uranus is the perfect model for young men and women alike. And you can take that to the bank."

Shoot, those were a lot of good points. Steven briefly believed that he would have to admit defeat and throw the moon princess to the wolves, but he was quick to register that Dandy had omitted some very crucial narrative pratfalls involving his favorite Scout. "She did kind of get in the way sometimes though," he noted with pronounced casualness. "Made a lot of mistakes."

"Tssch." Dandy's tape-cutting intensified. "Just because the writer makes a character do something stupid, doesn't make the character any less awesome."

Gotcha! "So I guess that could say that for all the Scouts then." Steven said, grinning in cocksure triumph. "Even Usagi."

"…tushy." Dandy mumbled.

"Touché."

"All right, wise guy." Dandy began as he sliced through the last layered column of duct tape. "You win. Now help me tear this crud off of the ship so we can get to doing something we'll both enjoy." He grabbed the cut ends of several tape strips and brought them down to Steven's level.

Steven took the loosened strips in hand; they were at least four rolls thick. Together, he and Dandy pulled the layers of stubborn ribbon from beneath the hull of the Aloha-Oe from portside to starboard. Even with the added leverage, something to hold onto, and their combined strength, the feat was still an arduous one. No thanks to the sand making it difficult to gain any traction.

The job done, the two of them groaned and fell back onto the soft, cushiony beach that had vexed them barely a minute before. It was funny how things worked out sometimes. "I need a freaking drink." Dandy complained.

"What about the sodas in your fridge?" Steven panted.

"Naw, kid. Like a nice, cool, lovingly handcrafted beverage." The alien hunter raised his hands and started to squeeze at the air. "I could really go form some BooBies right about now."

"Boobies?" Steven grimaced.

"It's not what you think." Dandy's hands fell back to Earth, splashing sand on either side him. "I mean it sorta is, but not exactly."

Another mystery. Fantastic. "Oh, okay." Not wanting the pile of enigmas to stack even further, Steven sat up and asked. "What are…BooBies?"

"That's a very good question, Steven." Dandy said, suddenly energized. He jumped to his feet and looked down at the young Universe. "And the answer to that is so big and juicy that I can't really put it into words." He clapped the sides of his palms together excitedly. "Though I think you of all people would have the easiest time understanding it."

"I would?"

"Sure." Dandy brought his hands up and then waved them down as if he were outlining a large and well-proportioned hourglass. "You see, Boobies is like living inside the soft, comforting interior of a giant woman's-."

"Like the Crystal Temple!" Steven eagerly noted.

"Exactly!" Dandy acknowledged, snapping his fingers. "Except there's a closing time and no beds. Plus you have to shell out extra dough for a private room."

"Sounds a bit expensive."

Dandy wagged his finger at Steven's wanton frugality. "Well there are some things that money can't buy. So you should spend it on what it can. Or get a booty-legged version," he said, straightening his jacket. "Anyway, it's an interstellar oasis brimming with color and sound where you can kick back and have some de-lectable drinks and eats while being surrounded by some of the most gorgeous women the galaxy has to offer. The two of us should pop on over there after the Aloha-Oe gets fixed."

"Cool!" Steven beamed. If it was like the Temple, but in space, it couldn't possibly be described any other way. "Did you ever bring Pearl to BooBies?"

"Huh? Oh…uh."

* * *

_Paradise. He closed his eyes and let the beats, laughter, and howls wash over him. Even without the colors, lights, and tail, there was no other word for it. Dandy was in paradise. If he died and went to Heaven, it'd probably look a lot like BooBies. Hell, maybe he all ready had and this was it. It would explain all the angels walking around. Then again, if there was such a thing as living, then this was what it was all about. Music you could dance to. Views you could eat to. And beauties you could drink to. Nothing could ruin this immaculate good mood of his. Not his weary body, not his aching feet, not his growling stomach, and certainly not his singed hair. He had earned this – well, done his part – and there was no force in the universe that was going to blemish his high spirits._

" _Why do we keep coming here?"_

_Oh right, his hanger-ons. "What?" Dandy opened his eyes and was greeted with the sight of a very peeved-looking Pearl drumming her long, slender fingers on their table. So that's what that pesky tapping sound had been. "You've never been here before."_

" _I mean to these br-." her hand clenched as she cursed whoever had come up with the term. "-b-breastaraunts? This is the ninth we've been to in two weeks."_

" _And that my friend, is nine too little." Dandy snickered at his show of wit and Pearl's obvious displeasure. "Besides, what do you care? You don't even eat."_

" _Neither does QT, but you keep dragging us to…BooBies…to watch you stuff your face and oogle the waitresses."_

" _You could've at least gotten us a table near an electrical outlet." QT grumbled next to Pearl._

" _Early bug gets the plug, QT. You should've hustled." Dandy scolded. "And don't go hating on the staff Pearl. They work hard."_

" _I am not 'hating on' anything."_

" _Then oogle with me!" Dandy demanded, thrusting his arms out at the larger portion of the restaurant that lay beyond their window seat._

" _I most certainly will not!" Pearl gasped, clearly horrified at the ultimatum. "It-it's rude!"_

" _You know what's rude?" Dandy slammed his fist on the table. "These hardworking honeys put a lot of time and energy into looking good for you and you won't even give them so much as a glance," he rebuked. "And if appreciating that is poor etiquette, then baby, I don't ever want to be polite."_

" _You're never polite."_

" _She's got you there," said QT._

_An abrupt increase in the sound system's volume spared her and QT from another of Dandy's two to three worded counterarguments. Pearl couldn't wait for him to fill his gob so they could get out of here. Every time they went to one of these establishments, she found something new to hate about them. Conversation conflated with otherwise decent music, mashing them into a relentless clangor. Patrons checked their manners at the door and dug into plates of oily, overpriced meals with gleeful recalcitrance for proper etiquette. Then they were all these scantily clad waitresses everywhere._

_She suppressed a blush._

_Outer space was the ultimate phantom vista for development and exploration. It should have been reserved for the best and brightest, not the glitz and the skimpiest. "All I'm saying is that our time would be better spent hunting the Shatterlite."_

" _And what I'm trying to say is that you should learn to relax. You're immortal, right? All that time on your hands makes for the ultimate excuse to unwind whenever you can. Learn to stop and smell the flowers. Speaking of which…" he brought up a hand and beckoned someone over. "Hey Rose!"_

" _Rose?"_

_That's when she came in. She was tall, slender, and self-assured, sporting the same pink-and-white bikini & cuffs combo as her fellow employees. Pearl couldn't take her eyes off of the waitress, though she knew it would do no good. Her skin was about the right color as was her pink hair styled up in a diagonal spire with bangs combed over her right eye. Amber eyes, not black. And pointed ears framing a face that, while stunning in its own way, was unambiguously crisp. Unbidden, the back of Pearl's skull started to ache and her mouth became dry._

" _Hey yourself, Dandy." Rose cheerfully greeted. "Ready with your order?"_

_The ensuing "Ah," might've been lost in the roaring rhapsodies perpetually playing over the air, but the hostess was able to pick up on it thanks to a long career of working in such loud environments._

_Rose turned to where the "Ah," had originated and sitting there was a pale young woman with peach-colored hair that she had never seen before. "Oh hello. How about you? Anything you'd like in particular." The stranger just stared at her. Normally, Rose wouldn't mind that so much, it happened all the time - it was part of the job - but never like this. The woman didn't look eager or bashful. In fact, she almost looked disappointed. "Is she all right?" she asked the customer she was more familiar with. "She's not your latest squeeze, is she, Dandy?"_

" _She does seem miserable enough for that to be the case." QT interjected._

_Dandy bopped the robot on the head and answered, "Crewmate. She's a new crewmate. Strictly platonic despite HER best efforts. And don't worry. She's just jealous of your uniform and how cute you look in it."_

" _Is that so?"_

_That did the trick. Pearl snapped out of her stupor, blinked, and then hastily shook her head. "It is not so! I'm not jealous of either."_

_Rose pushed her silvery lips outward in a practiced pout. "Hmph. So you don't like my outfit?" she asked playfully. "You don't think I look nice in it?"_

" _Th-there's very little of it to not like, I mean, I suppose what's there is a flattering ensemble to your-um-all of you, and it looks like it'd be easy to move around in. The shoes are surprisingly sensible…"_

" _Oh, so you do like it." Rose teased._

" _What do you say, Rose?" Dandy asked. "Think Pearl might have a future here at BooBies?"_

_Rose cast a critical eye – her left one – over Pearl, whose cheeks turned a deep aqua at the scrutiny. Blue blush._ _Cute. "A little modest in the tops department, but a lot of guys and gals are into that sort of thing. Very nice legs though, very toned."_

" _Hear that Pearl? If this Crystal Gem thing doesn't work out, maybe you could moonlight here for a century or two."_

_Apparently, Pearl had not. "-and your hair is very, very…ah…it looks good like that. Up, I mean. You shouldn't let it down or…" her voice trailed off. The Gem pried her eyes away from Rose and turned them towards the window, out at the stars._

_The abrupt way she tried to duck out of the conversation drew attention to herself rather than deterred it, though QT was the only one concerned enough to ask, "Pearl?"_

_Dandy coughed, thinking it would be best if he switched lanes before this exchange went completely off the rails. "Anyway…what's this I hear about you getting hitched? Who's the lucky guy?"_

_He was a tad miffed that she didn't get embarrassed or defensive. The sides of her mouth curled upward and her eyes turned to the ceiling as she sighed dreamily. "Guy."_

" _Yeah. Who's the lucky-?"_

" _She probably means that his name is Guy, Dandy." Pearl proposed without looking away from the window._

" _That's…right." Rose said, coming out of her reverie._

" _Can you order now?"_

_Her hushed question caused Dandy's palm to make swift contact with his forehead. "Oh for the love of-," the hand left his face as he brought a brought a finger to bear in Pearl's direction. "This is just what I was talking about, Pearl. You gotta pay more attention to your surroundings. Learn to read people so you can get to know them. Not all of us are going to be around forever. This might even be the last time you ever get to see Rose."_

_Pearl didn't have anything to say to that; neither protests nor acknowledgment seemed forthcoming. This annoyed Dandy, but he had bigger concerns than the stubbornness of some stuck-up, insensitive rock. Rose was starting to look agitated and that just wouldn't do. This was still BooBies. Time for a little damage control. "Because I must say, this all seems a little sudden," he said, addressing the waitress directly. "This a shotgun matrimony by any chance?"_

_Rose's anxiety was instantly waylaid by what Dandy had so brazenly asked, leaving her to titter in the aftermath. "Excuse me?"_

" _You gonna take a break from being beautiful at Boobies to bring Rose Junior into the world?"_

_Of all the nerve! Rose had half a mind to storm off at this impertinent implication, but the other half smuggled an impish lilt into her reply. "That's for me to know and for my vacation days to find out." Sensing a coltish follow-up in the works, she added, "And sorry, Dandy. But the only slip of paper you're getting today is a receipt. The wedding's just going to be a small ceremony with some close friends and family."_

" _Ow, that hurts. Invite me to the bachelorette party at least. Dandy might look good in a tux, but he looks even better getting out of one."_

_Fresh! Rose gave him a friendly slap on the shoulder and laughed. "You cheeky bastard."_

" _That's the idea, baby." Dandy grinned rakishly._

_He made his order - some Baduun Bourbon and Mork Loin Curry with a Baked Alamak for dessert - then watched her leave; always a pleasant experience. "Lucky guy, that Guy." He had to admit, he was a little jealous of the groom-to-be. Rose could be as thorny as her namesake and hairdo, but she was hardworking and supportive; the kind of woman who'd have your back through thick and thin. Unlike a lot of his old flames who were all radiator handcuffs and closed doors._

" _Dandy, I think there's something wrong with Pearl." QT said with considerable alarm._

" _Yeah, what else is new?"_

_sniff…_

_Amidst one of his favorite songs being played and the chatter of nearby diners, Dandy heard the faintest of sobs._

_He looked away from Rose's retreating posterior to see where the whimper had come from. Pearl was moving now, shaking to be exact. "Wh-? Hey Pearl. What's-?" Dandy reached out to touch her arm, but she slapped his hand away._

" _Home."_

" _Home?"_

" _Th-the ship. Please, I want to go back to the ship. I can't stay here," her voice cracked as she tried to conceal her face from view. "We need to find the Shatterlite so I can go home. I've been gone too long to come back with nothing. It's all ready been two months," the hand she hid behind fell to cover her mouth. There were tears in her eyes. "That's forever for a child. Steven might wonder where I…I can't miss it all. I've missed so much of it all ready."_

_In a more intimate time and place, this might have drained all the energy and vigor from the room, so that Pearl's muted weeping would be all one could hear. But BooBies was a jaunty juggernaut; a perpetual party engine that_ _grinded_ _down all other thought and feeling until only decadent merriment remained. 'Get Happy or Get Out' was the unwavering, unspoken (for if someone had thought to say it out loud, it would've been printed on a t-shirt by now) commandment of the establishment, because if BooBies couldn't make you glad, then chances are nothing could. Thus, Pearl's cries were casually ignored by everyone else but the crewmates she so often had contempt for. How did the saying go again? Dandy thought. Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and you weep alone?_

_He could just leave her be, enjoy his meal and pay no heed to her sulking like everyone else; QT was doing it. Not knowing what to do, the little vacuum settled for staring straight ahead and lacing his fingers together. That would be wise. Sit tight and ride it out. Pearl would get over it by the time he got to dessert and they'd never speak of this again. Whoever this 'Steven' was and why Pearl cared about him so much would remain an unknown, but he'd live. He was an old hand at dealing with secrets and unspoken words._ _If Pearl didn't want to talk about it, why bother asking?_

" _But she did talk about it." Suddenly it's two years ago and he's back in that hotel room with neon lights out the window that made it impossible to sleep and rent that was by-the-hour. It's her voice, because that's the last thing he remembers from that final night, but it's saying something different now, chiding him. Catherine did that a lot. "It's up to you if you want to ask; if you want to listen." His mind is back when it belongs before he can think up an excuse. Damn it. Two years later and she's still getting the last word in._

_Thirteen hours from now, Dandy mournfully asks QT to take his ray gun and put him out of his misery after enduring half-a-day of Pearl ceaselessly talking about her friends, her Rose, and her oh so precious Steven in a cathartic verbal onslaught. At present, Dandy doesn't say anything. He grabs her hand. It's covered in tears and what might be mucus - she never ate or drank, so where did all this come from? - but he doesn't care. She doesn't fight back or resist this time. He leads her out, QT follows close behind. They could put the bill on his tab. They knew he was good for it. Though it would be about four months until he stepped foot in another BooBies again._

* * *

"A couple of times." Dandy answered. "It wasn't really her scene. Actually, maybe it isn't yours, either. At least, not until you get older, ya hear?"

"Awww, you made BooBies sound so cool." Steven mourned.

"Don't look so down, Mr. Universe." Dandy encouraged as he pressed a button on his communicator, causing the landing platform to lower. "There's still a whole lot of rocket board surfing in your very near future."

"I'm not too young for that, am I?" Steven asked, fearing that Dandy would change his mind about that as well.

Dandy pretended to seriously consider the matter, then grinned. "No one's too young for those."

"Yahoo!" Steven exclaimed, practically jumping onto the platform once it touched the ground.

Dandy joined him on the mechanical dais and pressed another button to raise it. As it started to ascend, he caught a glimpse of the Crystal Temple in all its derelict, resolute glory. The place the woman who hated his guts called home. "Hey Steven?"

"Yes, Dandy?"

"When all this is over, go easy on her, would you? She works hard."

"Her? You mean Pearl?"

"Yup," he rubbed his nose. "I know she can be a little shrill and bossy, but she's just trying to make up for lost time. So go easy on her."

Steven thought this over, recalling what Pearl had told him. The request still seemed a little out of left field. Very sudden. "Six months is a while, but it isn't that long, is it?"

"What can I say?" Dandy shrugged as the Temple disappeared from sight. "Half a year's forever for a mom."

* * *

_And yet...she ought to be incinerated by now, shouldn't she? She was no expert in being disintegrated, but she was sure that still being able to think wasn't part of the process. With her mind and senses still functioning, other peculiarities soon came to light._

_Instead of searing pain, all she felt was the loosening of QT's arms, allowing her to slide down to the cold floor._

_Instead of the smell of burning metal, there was only the sanitary pungency of artificial air._

_Instead of the terrible rending of the ship, all she heard was laughter._

_Pearl then opened her eyes and saw that she was the only one among them that didn't find their current situation absolutely hilarious._

" _I can't believe you fell for it!" Dandy cackled, clutching his sides._

" _Hahahaha!" QT's arms did a few halted chopping motions as he said in that dismal mechanical tone she had heard him speak in earlier, "Beep-boop-beep-the darkness is everywhere. Execute Program: Execute Self." Pearl noticed that his visor was back online and prominently featuring a pair of convulsing carets. "When have you ever heard me talk like that?!"_

" _Wh-what?"_

_There was no trace of self-destructive nihilism in either of her crewmates. QT was slapping his wheels with glee and Dandy had reclined his chair way back so he could look Pearl in her bespectacled eyse and show her how amused he felt._

_She looked above his smug upside-down face to see that his feet were hooked behind the Aloha-Oe's handlebar controls. He must have pulled up at the last second with those tackily impractical boots of his._

_Calling her up here, slumping over his chair like a corpse, having QT shut off his facial display, making her 'pick a star', and having her restrained while he drove towards it. It was all a gag. Her mind raced as she reviewed all the duplicitous ploys, twisted ruses, and heinous betrayals she had experienced over millennia. She even dared to reexamine the hellish three days she spent as Amethyst's roommate and the relentless blitz of pranks therein. None of them came close. This was the greatest act of fiendish, calculated mendacity she had ever bore witness to._

_And they were still laughing at her._

_She grabbed the front of Dandy's pompadour and pulled. "Not the hair! Not the hair!" Much to her delight, this brought an immediate cessation to his laughter._

" _Ahahahahaha!" QT was still at it though._

" _Do you have ANY IDEA what you just PUT ME THROUGH?" she snarled. "I thought we were all going to DIE!"_

" _That was kind of the point, Pearl." Dandy said, his words lacking any of the fear or apology Pearl sought._

" _Why would you do this?!"_

_He reached back to show her his right index finger. "One, tt's the end of Space October, so we thought we'd give you a little scare to celebrate All Celestial Saint's Day."_

" _ **I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!**_ _" and she never would. The terror! The debasement! The indignity! He had made her cry and beg for her life and for that she would show no quarter. She wrenched a spear out of her Gem in a ferocious, blinding burst and prepared to cut Dandy's scalp off or skewer the remorseless prat from mouth to rump. Maybe she'd do both!_

" _H-hey, I know that even at this angle my handsome face is hard to tear your eyes away from, but if you look out the window then you'll see reason number two!"_

_She did._

" _It's just space."_

" _Now who's the cynical one?"_

_Skewer it was. "RAAAAAAAAUGH!"_

" _Down! Down! Look Down!"_

_Pearl would have preferred to maim him first, but decided to grant Dandy's request. After all, it would be the last ludicrous order of his that she'd ever follow. The Gem tilted her head downward and saw…the sun._

_It couldn't have been more than 30 feet away from where they were._

_They were practically on the surface of the sun._

_She let go of Dandy's hair, whose owner wasted no time getting right side-up again._

_Pearl tried to speak, but couldn't think of anything to say. She had no words, dumbfounded as she was at the fiery landscape that seemed to have neglected to eradicate them. A solitary phrase came to mind. "How is this possible?"_

" _You like it?" Dandy preened. "You kept blabbing on and on about how we should take a closer look at the stars. So now you can't say we never listen to you," he motioned to his proof. "Besides, telescopes are for wimps."_

" _This can't be right. There are so many factors that are just wrong about…about all of this!" in spite of her objections, the mouth that had made them was beginning to smile._

" _Ah, I got it." Dandy nodded. "It's kind of weird having the sun below you, huh? Welp, I can fix that," he grabbed the controls and gave them a sharp tug._

_Pearl was less surprised at the maneuver and more satisfied that the sudden movement caused QT to fall out of his chair, ending his laughing fit._

_Dandy dusted off his hands, more for the sound than the function. "There we go. Now look up."_

_And now the entire ceiling beyond was a vibrant mass of tightly bound fusion; a caged storm of dazzling clouds churning in and out of one another; a magnificent tempest that provided heat and light for this entire system._

_And she could more or less reach up and touch it._

" _But the heat…the radiation…the gravity!"_

_It just couldn't be real. This had to be one of those dying dreams she had read about in depressing and convoluted human literature._

_QT wheeled himself next to her and said, "Don't worry about it. I thought the same thing when he pulled this stunt on me. Apparently, we'll be fine so long as we don't hit the star itself. So just enjoy the view," At her glance, he folded his arms behind him and tilted himself sideways. "Sorry if we scared you too much."_

" _I'm not. Trick or Treat, Baby."_

_Pearl couldn't help but smirk along with him._

_All three took time to appreciate the blazing sky above, but as the hour went on, Dandy returned to reading his magazines while QT occupied himself with tidying up._

_Before the hour was up, Dandy loudly sighed and asked. "Think we could move along? This is getting kinda dull."_

_Pearl went from enraptured to incredulous. "What could possibly be more magnificent than this?"_

" _There's a set of twin blue suns a few parsecs from here" QT recommended._

_Pearl blinked. Then she giggled._

_Of course there was._

" _Sure. Why not?"_

_They rode a solar flare out of there for an added speed boost._

_Pearl didn't ask how._

**To be continued…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Months ago, during the opening minutes of Space Dandy's 17th episode, the Aloha-Oe flew towards and proceeded to fly over the surface of a sun. Like really damn close. It was a disorienting, insane, and fabulous way to start things off. It kind of just happened; I had to watch it again to make sure that I hadn't imagined the whole scene. Dandy's ship might get a lot of grief from…everyone, but if being able to skim the surface of a star makes it a lemon, then I want one of my very own. Then I got to thinking, what a great prank to play on people who don't know it can do that! Pretend the ship's malfunctioned or that you've been possessed by a space demon, fly yourself to the nearest star, pull up at the last second, have a laugh, then defuse the murderous, adrenaline-fueled hatred of your passenger with a room with a solar view. When I began outlining this crossover, that joke came to mind and eventually became the flashback that begins and ends the chapter you see before you today. God bless soft, hard, and uneven textured sci-fi!
> 
> By the by. I'm super-duper-duper sorry that this chapter took a little more than a month to complete. Another broken promise, but this story is full of those, so it's thematically fitting, if not excusable. You might have noticed that it's substantially longer than the previous three. There are a few reasons for that. As the center-most chapter of the story, it had the unenviable task of more or less functioning as the entirety of the story's second act and all that entails. That said, it went through a lot of revisions, omissions, and additions. The whole "flying circus" fast forward section? Wholly unplanned at the start. It was originally just going to be QT telling the others (sans Pearl, Dandy, and Steven of course) how he and Pearl ate Dandy's food at a fried chicken joint to spite him; funny in my head, not very good on the page (might type it out as a bonus scene in the end's "Special Features" section though). In a chapter about people telling stories to others and sometimes keeping them to themselves, it was upsettingly puny and far too much like the BooBies scene. I knew I needed one last hurrah for the madcap, adventurous, swashbuckling past misadventures of Dandy, Pearl, and QT before things got (mostly) serious in the present. Considered splitting it into two as well, but it just didn't feel right for some reason. Lastly, I took a little more time for some sections than others. Wanted to get things juuuuuuust so for this important chapter.
> 
> Now we're approaching the end. Less nostalgia and more confrontation. It's got fewer moving parts, but the ones that are there will be spinning dangerously fast like the turntables of an Olympian Storm DJ. Shorter, snappier installments that should come in 2-3 weeks instead of in a month or more. It might be a complete disaster. I might not survive. But it's going to happen. Ideally before the first season finale of Steven Universe airs and flips the table on everything I've written so far. Ah fanfiction. A tempestuous hobby indeed. Right now though, I think I need a nap.


	5. Meteor Monsoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every Wave's Got to Crash Sometime, Baby
> 
> In the past: The Shatterlite Builds!
> 
> In the present: The Slammerhead Rises!
> 
> All this and the revelatory confrontation you've been waiting for since Chapter 1!

_They came across it on the shadow side of Typhaon-V._

_For the last week or so, they had heard rumour of an anomaly that sucked in ships of all makes and sizes as they passed it. Distinguishing it from similar anomalies was how it kept vanishing before galactic authorities of either superpower could quarantine it,_ _leaving nothing behind but hundreds of shredded frozen corpses. Then a similar disaster zone would crop up elsewhere shortly after. And so on and so forth. The official line was that these were separate incidents. However, some claimed that not only were they all linked, but that it was the same aberration every time and it just moved whenever it felt like it._

_Taking crafts loaded with alloys and throwing away everything else certainly sounded like the Shatterlite's MO and the renewed possibility of capturing the corrupted Gem energized Pearl's efforts to suss out its location. While Dandy and QT traversed the physical and hit up hearsay_ _on the ground, she investigated the digital; cycling through reams of information, miles of reports, mountains of articles, and as many chatrooms as QT's phone could handle. If this really was the Shatterlite, then it was now big and mobile enough to attract notice. The trail was hot, people were on the lookout, and she had a very finite window of time before it did something truly heinous or the outernet found something else to talk about._

_Its possession of a warp drive made this tricky, but not impossible. Pearl didn't believe in chaos or chance. Everything was part of a system and with enough information, you could recognize, anticipate, and exploit those systems. The simple mind of the Shatterlite was not exempt. Driven by instinct and primal wants, incapable of higher thought, its pattern would make itself known with time and effort. She jotted down her notes on QT's used rolls of ticker tape, discarded fast food wrappers, and any paper she could get her hands on. When she felt she had accrued enough data, she put all her records aside, and pulled a universe out of her Gem._

_Well, more of a simplified projected model of the universe; just complex enough for her to visualize the problem in three-dimensional space. The highlights of course were the tiny reticules peppered around a set of galaxies. Each of these targets represented a cluster of incidents that the Shatterlite was most likely involved in. Their placement appeared to be chaotic, but maybe if she connected them from the earliest report she could find to the latest..._

_Again, the model thwarted her. The Shatterlite's path, if it had one, was erratic. One that zigzagged and ping-ponged as it warped from sector to sector. Sometimes it went so far as to come within a fraction of a parsec from where it had once prowled. These irregularities seemed to confirm what she had dreaded since she took Dandy up on his offer: that this hunt was hopeless._

_She started to wring her hands in nervous thought, causing her fingers to brush against the circle of metal that was her communicator._

_Circle._

_Circles!_

_Pearl called off the line connecting the reticules and threw a new one through the first of them in a curved arc until it swung back and hit the second, whereupon it looped downwards and struck the third; which, she realized, was not as far from the second as the second had been from the first. The sequence was a spiral, sinking deeper into the layers of space. As the line tightened, the attacks increased in size and boldness. She coaxed the line to curl out of the final incursion point and stopped it where – if the shrinking time and spatial patterns were correct – the Shatterlite would strike next: The Echidian System._

_To Dandy's discomfort, Pearl insisted that they warp there as they'd only have less than three days before it vanished again. Upon arriving, they zipped from planet to planet, from one end of the system to the other. When the Shatterlite failed to manifest, Pearl wondered if it had all ready left or worse, she had grossly miscalculated its progress. As they rounded the last lonely planetoid on the Echidian's outermost fringe, they saw something hang over the shadow side of Typhaon-V._

_QT tweaked the ship's cameras for low light conditions so they could get a better visual of the object. When the adjustments were made, if became painfully obvious why it had chosen to roost there. Only the darkness afforded by such an isolated celestial body could hide its crooked blossom of a frame whose petals reached out into space like the jagged fingers of some obscene claw, mask the sparks that flickered across its surface, and conceal its titanic size. Further magnification revealed that held within this malformed, metal grip was a dense, mansion-sized heap of derelict scrap; suspended in the middle of the edifice by a series of vast steel pipes. The sallow, golden glow Pearl spied coming from beneath its chimeric surface was a fearfully familiar one._

" _We found it." And they had. After half-a-year of semi-serious searching and a number of colourful, but distracting detours, here it was. They hadn't anticipated it looking quite like this. But what was several miles of Frankensteinian architecture when your goal was right there squatting in the middle of it?_

" _Whoah,"_ _Dandy said, not quite as awed or terrified as he should've been. "It got fat."_

_Then, as if in retaliation for this insult to its aesthetics, the Shatterlite's surface opened fire with the weaponry of a thousand stolen ships._

_The colour, calibre, and range of the blasts seemed to differ, a testament to the variety of spacecrafts it had cannibalized over the course of months. It would've been quite beautiful to behold if it wasn't so very lethal and headed in their direction. Dandy banked hard to the right, and the majority of the barrage passed them by with only a few outlier beams grazing the portside hull. That's when something smashed into the front of the ship. Once the video feed came back online, they saw that a long, crudely constructed tentacle stretching all the way back to the Shatterlite had imbedded itself in the Aloha-Oe's bow. The entire craft trembled as the macabre appendage started to drag them towards its master. In spite of its vulgar assemblage, pulling against the limb was having no effect and during the brief moment they had tried, it felt like their entire vessel was going to rip in two. Lacking any other options, they fired and detonated a missile half-a kilometre down its length; freeing themselves and making it possible to warp away before the next volley of mishmash laser cannon fire could skewer them._

_All in all, it could've gone better._

_Which brings us (and them) to Planet Yom-3, a grave world in both disposition and content._

" _Blech!" Dandy retched. "Aw, damn it. Now there's spit and cookie chunks all over the inside of my visor!" his fingers gave the front of his helmet a futile stroke. "I can barely see out of it now."_

" _It's not like you're missing much." Pearl muttered as she sifted through the clutter around them with her spear._

" _Hang on. Maybe that was just a rotten fluke. I'll try one more."_

" _I don't think you should, Dandy."_

" _Look, if I'm going to clean it out anyway, I might as well see if the other snacks I stuffed in this fancy bucket are worth keeping," he tilted his helmet to the side and through the food-splattered, green glass of its face shield, Pearl could see him try to scoop up another cookie with his tongue. She was morbidly impressed when he succeeded. "Blech!" And genuinely amused that the outcome was the same. "That does it. I'm getting rid of them." Dandy grabbed the collar of his space suit, but paused as he was about to activate the disengagement switch. "Um…aren't you going to try and stop me?"_

_Pearl's spear hung loose in her grip as she eyed him dispassionately. "Would it matter?"_

_Probably not, but Dandy thought that her approval would've been a nice bonus. And what she had said didn't sound like approval. "So it's fine if I take this off for a few seconds?"_

" _Fine?" Pearl let out a hollow chuckle. "May I remind you that you're wearing that helmet for a very good reason?"_

_He wracked his brain for it, but the effort turned up squat. "The…scanners said the air was breathable, right?"_

" _Barely. And it's laced with so many lethal preservative agents that if you breath too much of it, you might as well be guzzling embalming fluid." Which hadn't affected Pearl that much, but the smell was so caustic that she had needed to numb her olfactory and gustatory senses to make it tolerable._

" _Good thing I have you to watch my back in case anything goes wrong."_

" _True," Pearl rigidly agreed. "I'll pick a nice spot in the neighbourhood to put you in if you expire."_

" _Atta girl." Dandy held his breath and took off his helmet. He shook out all the remaining cookies and wiped its insides clean with his glove. His eyes watered as they were exposed to the malodorous atmosphere, but he was able to slip it back on his head before exhaling. "Those had to be the worst thin mints I've ever tasted."_

" _No one forced you to eat a second one, Dandy," she said, pulling out a promising chevron from the ground and then casting it aside when she saw it was fragmented and thus too small for their purposes. "Or to buy a thousand of them."_

" _Fifty Boxes of Cosmic Girl Scout Cookies for Fifty Wulongs," he stated as he rejoined the search. "How could I not have taken that deal?"_

" _The scratched-out expiration dates made for_ _a compelling counterargument." Phalange segments? Again? These would be no help at all. "On top of everything else, now our cupboards are full of rancid baked goods."_

" _Not for long. I'll find a way to put 'em to good use. You'll see."_

" _That's nice." Pearl numbly noted._

_More of that passionless backtalk. "Something bugging you, Pearl?" Dandy didn't want to ask, but they still had a few more hours of disinterring ahead of them and the planet was spooky enough without the only other living thing on it going silent._

" _Just…look at where we are Dandy." Pearl said, not bothering to gesture at the ubiquitous morbidity surrounding them. "It's all bones, dirt, and not much else."_

" _That's why we're here though. Yom-3 is a Levia-Gaunt burial world." Dandy cited as he turned over a piece of giant vertebrae. "These massive meatsacks come from all over the galaxy to die in places like this."_

_Which was why Pearl had been so unnerved at the prospect of coming to this location. Discounting that the material here was the best option available to them, a land of rot and death sounded absolutely ghastly. When they arrived, she was stunned that is wasn't as bad as she thought it would be; it was awful in an entirely different way. No nations of virulent flies or valleys of decaying flesh. Just an ossified, abandoned domain._

_To think that anything would choose to perish in a place like this. The last thing they'd feel would be a jagged bed formed from those who had come before. If they looked up, the sky would not be there to console them. The foul, inhospitable air choking what was left of their lives from their bodies cast a blanket of opaque mist overhead; clear enough for the light of the Akashikan sun to create days of malnourished, chartreuse illumination that lacked any scale or perspective and appeared to stretch on forever. How terrible a final thought it would be, to think that there was nothing past these clouds of lime miasma and that all the spectacles and sensations experienced during their long spacefaring lives had been nothing more than a forlorn fancy, a desperate dream. Pearl didn't want to know what night on Yom-3 was like._

" _You don't find it even a little bit ominous?"_

" _Ominous? Since when did you believe in omens? I thought you were all math. Aha!" Dandy exclaimed as he pulled out a large piece of circular cartilage from beneath a stack of blanched ulnas. "QT," he said into his communicator. "Get the claw out here. I think I found just the right cover for the maintenance hatch."_

_Pearl used the time it took for one of the Aloha-Oe's extensive arms to stretch behind Dandy and clamp onto the intervertebral disk to carefully consider what she would say next. "I'm not supporting the validity of misguided superstition or groundless theories, but this appalling place and how we're almost at the end and what's waiting for us back at Typhaon-V," she bit her lip. "I still can't believe it got so massive."_

" _Relax. We can take it."_

" _Dandy, didn't you see how huge it was? And those sparks we saw all over its body…I think it was in the process of making itself even larger with all the raw materials it got from-." Pearl stopped and wordlessly returned to investigating the fields of fossils._

_The interior of Dandy's visor fogged as he huffed in frustration. Unless they talked this out now, this could be an issue later on. So they would. She'd be no good to him rattled. "Go on."_

" _I had tallied up the number of the Shatterlite's possible victims to a few dozen," she explained, not looking up from the ground. "But constructing a framework that large and dense would've required hundreds more." There was a hitch in the rhythmic sound of her spear moving through and over blankets of bone. "We should've looked harder."_

" _Given what little there was to work with, I think we did our best."_

" _Well it wasn't good enough."_

_Meh, Dandy thought. What was?_

" _As a Crystal Gem, it's my duty to prevent…creatures like the Shatterlite from wreaking havoc on the universe," Pearl said with strained pride. "And I let it run wild for weeks."_

" _Yeah, yeah, it's totally your fault that it went on this intergalactic feeding frenzy. Sticking your head out of the Aloha-Oe and yelling for it to stop from hundreds of lightyears away would've totally worked," she felt him tap her shoulder with the back of his glove. "Just go with the flow, Pearl. Chasing after a wave that's passed you by will just tire you out."_

_Pearl rubbed the part of her arm he had lightly struck. Normally, such an abrupt invasion of her personal space would've caused her great alarm, but the benign camaraderie behind it had been clear. "You might find your way back to shore though."_

" _Sure, if you wanna be a frube with nothing to show for it." Dandy snorted. "Anyway, you shouldn't put whatever the Shatterlite did on your head. It's not like it's Gem-kind's fault that that floating mountain of garbage is trying to become a Death Star."_

" _R-right." Pearl hastily agreed, quickly going back to excavating the residuum of Yom-3. "Huh," the butt of her spear had hit something hard beneath the surface that refused to budge. She cleared away the top layer of rigid organs and saw a solid, curved bone prominently sticking out from the others. Dissolving her weapon, she bent down to get her hands around the sides of the object and pulled. And pulled. And pulled. And pulled. For while it wasn't too heavy for someone of her considerable strength to move and dislodging it from its fellows wasn't difficult, it took her a full minute to get the whole thing above ground._

" _Ohohohoho!" Dandy clapped. "Look at the size of this thing! It's over a dozen yards long! And that shape!" he eyed the gradual crescent bend of space cetacean anatomy. "This Levia-Gaunt horn's going to go great on the pointy front part of the ship."_

" _The bow." Pearl corrected as she examined the massive bone. "And judging by how this cavity on the interior is characteristic of a palate, I'd say this is more of a rostrum than a horn."_

" _It can be a coccyx for all I care." Dandy said dismissively. "If it's tough enough, we can use it. So give it a little stress test so we can be sure."_

_Pearl nodded and stood up. She held her left hand above the girth of the beak to aim and drew back her other arm, curling its fingers into a fist. Then with a swing of her hip, she struck the mandible with a precise and deadly blow that could puncture steel and would splinter the bones of most. Not this rostrum though. It shook, and the force of the attack caused it to sink an inch into the littered soil, but it was unbroken and completely unmarred. The grim quirk of Planet Yom-3 had worked wonders on this all ready stern collagen specimen. The gaseous cocktail that permeated this sphere might rob the breath from your lungs, but that skeleton of yours would last forever beneath the pitiless lime, preserved and hardened even as the poison ate away everything else._

" _Perfect."_

* * *

At present, it was a perfect day to take a stroll in Beach City. The sun shone, the wind cooled, there were just enough clouds for decent shade, and the sea was calm. The gentleness of the tide and the smallness of the waves were ideal for those that wanted to talk a quaint, toe-tingling walk along the shoreline or a safe, leisurely swim on the ocean. Not so much if you were a surfer hoping for a decent macking with some off-the-hook honkers and heavies. Then these conditions were totally bogus.

"Well this sure is...stable." Dandy observed.

Steven played with the drawstring of his trunks, rolling the aglets between his fingers and cursing the afternoon's excellent weather. All systems had squarely been set to 'go' before they drifted into this unvarying impasse. The rocket board was everything Dandy had promised; a solid 9-foot, 3-inch thick Gun with a gorgeous, stylised crane decal printed on its surface that was spacious enough for him to sit comfortably on the nose while giving Dandy enough room to do his thing on the main deck. In place of a fin was a compact motor with three thrusters attached to the tail which looked heavy, but didn't stop the board from floating on the water as easily as one that was made of regular foam and resin. And there lay the problem, they were just floating.

Here they were, stripped down to their trunks – or in Dandy's case, briefs – out by the reefs where the waves were supposed to break, and the water wasn't the least bit choppy. The excitement he had felt when Dandy had gotten them there 'hands and feet free' with the board's triple-headed booster had long since fizzled out. In its place was a harsh sense of anticlimax and the mortifying understanding that the inclemency of the ocean was something he should've checked up on before they dove into the bay.

With a reluctant groan, Steven turned around to look Dandy in the eye. The man's legs were submerged from the knee-down as they hugged the rails of the board and his body was hunched forward as if weighed by neutered expectations. Indifferent as Dandy looked, Steven felt the same trepidation that all presenters suffer from when they must admit to themselves that the event they had been hosting was well and truly thwarted by forces inside and outside their control. There'd be no ducking backstage to avoid the produce and folding chairs for Steven though. Not unless he wanted to swim all the way back to the beach on his lonesome.

"Yeah…sorry about this, Dandy. I guess the waves just aren't biting today."

Dandy clasped his hands together and brought them to his lips, propping his thumbs underneath his chin. He turned his dark brown eyes to gaze at the watery terrain that refused to rise and cascade like he wanted. To Steven, it looked like Dandy was praying to the sea, to the sky, or to some unknowable yet undoubtedly handsome deity for better waves. He was sorely mistaken, because Dandy wasn't doing something as innocent and commendable as sweet-talking the was thinking; which was a fine alternative to prayer if he had thought long or hard enough to devise something of import. Suffice to say, his ruminations were brief and shallow, and produced a schematic for a ploy that was more scheme than solution. The difference between the two, you might ask? Solutions aren't usually preceded by wicked snickering.

"Well I guess we'll just have to make some of our own." Dandy smiled cryptically. "After all, when you want something to bite, poke it."

Steven knew this to be true, but he also knew that getting bit wasn't pleasant and provoking something to bite you wasn't smart. Therefore, any course of action that compared itself to such probably wasn't one he wanted to take. "I don't think we need waves to have a good time, Dandy. We could always just paddle around here and-."

"Don't give me any of that 'sour grapes' crud, kid. We came out here for bomboras, not ankle busters!"

"I don't know what either of those things are."

"Changing the subject won't change the fact that deep down, you want to shred the sea as badly as I do. It's written all over your face."

"Y-yeah," Steven blanched, "But can't we just…wait…for better waves?" Dandy flicked him on the forehead. "Ow! What was that for?!"

"Steven, I can't believe how selfish you're being right now!"

"Selfish?" Steven echoed as he rubbed his stricken brow.

"Yeah, selfish. Don't you know how big waves happen?"

"The sea gets mad?" Steven offered, remembering how he had asked that same question to someone he deeply trusted.

'That's what I thought at first too, but the truth is waaaaaaay different. The sweet waves that the average surfer covets and enjoys are the swells of distant, savage storms. While you're hanging ten and kicking out with hot babes, there might be people on the other side of the world being battered around by the devastating typhoon that's making your fun possible!"

"No!" Steven gasped. Had Amethyst lied to him? Again?!

"Oh yes! So is that what you are, Mr. Universe? Some beach leech snake who'd wish that on others?!"

"No way!" Steven fiercely denied, quickly (but carefully) standing himself up as he pumped his fists into the air. "I'M A KAHUNA!"

"Great." Dandy praised as he typed some commands into his bracelet. "Just so we're clear, if Pearl find out about this, you're taking part of the heat."

"Huh?"

"She got kind of mad the last time I did this with her around," he shrugged as he continued to fiddle with the device. "Something about the environment and reckless endangerment, but given how far out we are, I doubt that any shoreys are going to make it all the way to Beach City."

"Shoreys?" Instead of telling him what those were, Dandy pressed another button on his communicator, the last in the sequence. Steven saw something fire out of the distant Aloha-Oe, followed by a dozen more somethings. As they sailed overhead, Steven could see that they were white, metallic, cylindrical projectiles with red cones adorning their fronts. Despite being of a tender age and still having much to learn, the young Gem had played enough video games, read enough comics, and seen enough movies to know what they were before they hit the water some several hundred feet away. But still, on the off-chance he was mistaken, he had to ask, "Were those-?"

"Aheheheh. Forgot to mention, there's another way big waves are formed," his pinkie tapped the fibreglass ring wrapped around his high-tech bangle. "Underwater Explosions!" Steven heard a muffled BOOM from down below and saw that the water where the missiles had landed was beginning to rise into a large, translucent dome. The ocean beneath them began to dip, drawing them closer to this growing bubble of force and fluid.

"Oh my gooooosh!" Steven cried, his voice trembling with fear, shock, and excitement.

"Keep your hands and legs inside the board until the end of the ride." Dandy cautioned as he stood up with practiced ease. Nodding, Steven sat himself down and grabbed the rubber handles Dandy had glued onto the board. "And be sure to scream 'AKAW!' any time you'd like."

"Ak-?" The bubble burst, breaking outward in tall dense walls of water. "-AWWWWWWW!" Steven screamed as Dandy activated the board's thrusters and sent them speeding towards the surging sea.

* * *

Dandy's bombs did more than just kick up water in the most calamitous and ill-conceived manner possible. As it was with any explosive, their detonation released a series of shockwaves into the surrounding water. These supersonic pulses would degrade with distance, but were powerful enough to be felt by those many miles away from their hypocentre.

They hit Pearl the hardest. As she swam towards Beach City with all the speed her swordfish transformation could afford her, she felt a sharp increase in resistance that was dissonant from the usual viscosity of this part of the Atlantic. The Gem ignored it at first, chalking it up to some minor tectonic occurrence or tidal fluke, but then she was buffeted by a second disturbance and then a third. She felt an odd sense of déjà-vu tug at her mind when the fourth hit. When the fifth disruption made itself known, she remembered a pleasant lakeside stopover on Planet Farkadia from eight years ago; an idyllic afternoon whose utter ruiniation was preceded by a certain gel-brained oaf shouting, "Pearl! QT! Check this out!" By the time the seventh pulse might have rolled over her, she had all ready taken to the sky.

Amethyst barely noticed. Not much she could do if the sea got all snippy, she thought. Now what should she turn into next? Maybe a jellyfish. A jellyfish could be cool. She didn't have much occasion to transform into one when she was on land.

Garnet was much more keen in sensing the shockwaves. She tried tracing them to their source using her clairvoyance, but stopped when she saw the path to their point of origin led back to Beach City. Just thinking in that direction felt like having a needle shoved into her third eye, but like Pearl, she now had little doubt that the man responsible for this chronal tempest was the culprit. With the mystery solved, she backhanded an annoyingly persistent barracuda that couldn't take a hint, and resumed her patrol on the ocean floor.

Meow and QT were completely oblvious. Although, if you told them that their 'captain' had just used several rockets as improvised depth charges so he could get some surfing done, they'd probably plead the 5th, deny the existence of any 'captain', or try to knock you out so they could make their getaway.

Huddled over a deformed portion of this nonsensical spectrum of noticing was the Slammerhead. The unnatural vibrations caused its new flesh to hum and sing, rousing it from its nap. It thought this strange as its skin had never done that before. Stranger still was how different it felt as it drew itself up from where it had slept. It felt heavier, but its movement remained unimpaired. The added mass did not hinder. The sense of invigoration it had experienced after mending its wound was still there and stronger than ever before. And its face wasn't the only thing that felt fantastic. All those vexing pains and galling cramps that had bothered it for years were all gone. Scratching its head with its tail without inciting a massive backache was now a possibility again.

Rolling its shoulders to further exalt in this increase in flexibility and the absence of fatigue, its beady eyes noted that its wings were of a much thicker make than the last time it had checked. They were craggier too. It looked down and saw that its torso and feet were rendered in similar states of blockiness. It attempted to run a tongue over its mandable in thought, but ended up having more to think about when it brushed over what its brain could only describe as a second outer jaw; the 'teeth' of which were quite sharp. But the organ's inherent toughness stopped it from being shredded like hash against their serrated edges. Tasted like rocks; the clear shiny kind.

Since rocks – however shiny – weren't known for flying under their own power, the Slammerhead wondered if its wings would still work as they had before this crystal coating got all over them. It kicked off of the seabed and brought its arms down. To its relief, the action caused it to ascend as it always did. A Slammerhead with useless wings was of little worth.

It tucked its legs and wings to the side and undulated its body forward, using its tail to steer itself and generate more thrust. It sank a little easier than it had before, probably due to the weight increase, but swimming hadn't gotten any harder. Heck, its newfound vitality was making it so easy that the Slammerhead was starting to hate being underwater a little less. Not enough to stay down there though. The empowered alien unfurled its wings and was about to flap its way back to the surface when it saw the city.

Glittering ahead of it was a domed metropolis that hung in the water like an unbound sea mine. This day was just full of wonders, the Slammerhead mused. The sentients of this world built cities underwater. While it was still far away, the alien could see that it bore an uncanny resemblance to the town it had tried to attack the night before. Highly derivative, but a meal was a meal and it was itching to try out its new jaw. There was even a delectably ignorant little family playing nearby in a dome of their very own. Neither the city nor the little people stirred as the Slammerhead drew near and opened its mouth.

"Whoah! I got a bite!"

"Hey, me too!"

* * *

Steven had a unique history with water. This year alone, he had found himself trapped at the bottom of the sea with the girl who would one day be his best friend, explored (and destroyed) a booby-trapped ziggurat that kept the depths at bay with magic, floated up a pillar made from all the world's oceans and was narrowly rescued when it had completely imploded. Heck, he had even known a Gem who could outright control the stuff. All of these experiences should have prepared him for the tsunami Dandy had created. Alas, they did not.

Maybe the two of them rocketing towards the wave had something to do with it.

When they reached the base of the wave, its top was starting to curl. The alien hunter made the board swerve hard to the right in a bottom turn and all Steven could do was hold onto the covered nylon chords as hard as he could. He wished that he could look back and see what Dandy was doing. It might have given him fair warning of what would happen next.

They kept carving on the wave until it was completely hidden from view. But Steven could still HEAR the wave. Its thunderous churning was one it shared with every formidable torrent of water he had encountered, but he couldn't see it. They were facing back the way they came and everything in front of him was relaxed and serene while behind him lay a tremendous saltwater domino of great weight and force that was in the process of collapsing on top of him.

The disparity of the scene did not stop there. In fact, while he could see that they were moving forward, Steven sensed that they were being pulled backward and even more worryingly, upward. Only his own weight and presumably a shift in Dandy's stance prevented them from stalling and wiping out on this expansive, charging screen of H2O. As it drew them back, the wave started to lift them higher and higher along its face.

8 feet.

12 feet.

20 feet.

At 30 feet, the closing lip of the wave began to pelt Steven's back with fragmented bits of itself. The board's nose beneath him had been raised slightly. He saw that it was no longer touching the water; the water that was flowing backwards to feed into the unseen maxilla of moisture that loomed out of sight.

The tilted downpour grew stronger. The wave was breaking. They must have finally arrived at the reefs. Steven's experience with surfing was limited, but he didn't need to be a grey belly to understand that at this height, there was no way they'd have enough time to safely descend; they'd get locked in before they could. A shadow fell across his body and with a shiver, he knew that the wave was about to fall on him too. Just as it looked like they were about to crash, Dandy smacked the board's nose back into the water and activated the thrusters, rapidly propelling them down the face of the wave and away from its plummeting peak. When they were far enough, he switched off the jets and turned the board around so he and Steven could watch the whitewater. As the froth faded into transluscent calm, the Gem was astounded at how there were no traces of the terrible and exhilarating upheaval they had just ridden on, save for his memory of it.

"Wooo!" Dandy cheered. "How did you like that?!"

"It was-." Crazy. Insane. Dangerous. Mad. Terrifying. Did we seriously blow up the ocean? I hope the fish made it out okay. Maybe not the sharks. Nuts! That was simply nuts! Would that have killed us? Let's never do that again. Not that I'd mind too much if we did. "-wow."

"The word you're looking for is choka."

"Choka." Steven echoed. Yes, that would do, whatever that meant. He let go of the handles and laid back on the deck. Dandy, who appeared to be even more drenched than Steven, looked down at him with the same fondness a rascal showed to his accomplice after they had both made it out of a successful caper. He didn't seem to care that the spray had decimated his pompadour into an untidy – but ruggedly endearing – brunette mop. "That was way choka, Dandy."

"Did you expect anything less?" Dandy asked, spreading both his palms out at a flippant slant. "I might be a Benny, but Dandy sure ain't no Barney. You know what I'm saying, baby?"

"I really don't." Steven panted, getting the feeling back into his fingers. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I didn't think we were going to make it."

"It wouldn't be a gnarly ride without a little danger." Dandy chortled. "And you can't spell radical without risk."

"Yes you can."

"Come on, cut me some slack. I'm trying to lay some knowledge on you, Steven. 'Sides, you weren't in any real trouble. If things got too rough, you could have always just bailed and used your bubble. I swear, you Gems get all the luck. Plus, even if you couldn't, I wouldn't let you get hurt, dude. Pearl would kill me if I did." Dandy half-joked.

Steven gave this statement a bit of thought. Apart from him being there, surfing on that wave had been a situation completely devoid of magic. No Gems, no monsters, no artefacts, or spells. It had just been him, Dandy, the board, and the sea. Not that it was a completely normal excursion, the missiles had seen to that, but while he had taken risks before, the lack of the supernatural made this a different kind of risk. That was probably why he had been so afraid and excited: the newness, that quality of not knowing that inspired fear and amazement. He wondered if Dandy ever made Pearl feel like this while they had been travelling together. "She probably would, but thanks for looking out for me Dandy," he nodded. "It was kinda scary how I couldn't SEA the wave though."

"Oho, so that's how you wanted to surf, huh?" Dandy fingers started to inch towards his communicator. "Then maybe a trip through the tube is what you're after."

Steven's eyes widened. "N-no, Dandy! It was just a pun!"

"Too late." With a click, he closed the gap between his finger and the ring. Another missile exploded beneath the water and Dandy didn't waste a moment zooming them toward the cresting aftermath. Steven barely had time to get his fingers back on the handles.

Upon arriving, Dandy turned the board rightward again, but stopped it halfway so they were now surfing along the base of the wave. As they raced along its middle, Steven bore witness to a towering glassy thickness rising to his left. It was a clear and deceptively solid accretion, but his distorted mirror image betrayed how the wave was a very mobile thing and despite how ponderous its movements looked, they were barely staying ahead of it at this daring angle. A stormy racket sounded from behind as the barrel started to shut them in. The hollow of the wave they were riding on was shrinking and just ahead the edge of the wave was on the brink of rejoining the calmer sea. Seconds before this reunion could cut off their escape, the speed of the board sharply increased, sending them through the dwindling exit of this brief, but formidable oceanic tunnel.

As the boosters cooled, Dandy and Steven rested. They lazily drifted on the fading ripples of the vanishing swell. One would think that having surfed two monster waves like that in quick succession, the pair would call it a day and head back to shore.

"Again?"

"Sure!"

They stirred up and surfed on 11 more after that.

Because twice just wasn't enough.

* * *

"I knew it was families! I knew it!"

"Hey, it went for my bait too!" QT exclaimed. "So less gloating and more cranking!"

"Easy for you to say!" The Betelgeusian grunted as he tried to turn the handle of his reel. "The creep ain't budgi-whoah!" he cried as he was tugged towards the stern. "It's trying to send me overboard!"

"Brace your feet on the gunwhale!" QT ordered.

"The what?"

"The wall at the end of the sloop!"

"What the hell is a sloop?!"

"It's what we're standing on, puffball!"

"All right! All right! No need to get testy!" Meow yelled as he pressed his hindlegs against the sapphire-colored partition. "Okay, now what do we do?"

"What any self-respecting angler would do," QT slid next to him, making sure to lock his wheels to prevent himself from rolling off of the edge. "We reel the alien in!"

The two alien hunters struggled to rip their quarry from out of the water. Their taught lines jerked left and right, making sudden startling slashes on the ocean's surface. The sea gurgled and groaned at the clash, QT and Meow could see great pockets of air bubble up to the surface as their catch fought to make off with their bait. Both of them felt the strain in their own way and were silently thankful for it as everything else around them from the salty winds to the peaceful horizon was telling them to ease up and release it.

They wrestled alone against what they really hoped was the Slammerhead and not some other stubbornly strong nautical creature; they had, after all, only brought two snow globes. Meow grit his teeth with effort as he set every one of his modestly developed Betelgeusian muscles to the task and QT let loose with his usual repartee of pre-recorded grunts that he played over the sound of his creaking servos and joints to assure his crewmates that 'Yes, I am trying, thank you very much.' They yanked and they pulled and they tugged; the force of which was beginning to move the boat backwards. Until finally, something miraculous occurred.

"Q-QT! I actually got my reel to budge!" Meow said. His paws were aching and his feet were killing him, but he had managed to get his handle a full 90 degrees counter-clockwise, bringing with it a small length of line.

"Same here!" QT said. "I think we might be tiring it out!"

There was still plenty of resistance, but it appeared that the fight was starting to leave their bounty. They got their reels one cycle back and then another with each subsequent turn going smoother and quicker than the one that came before. Gradually, their spools grew fat on moist layers of retrieved line.

"The Gems aren't going to believe this. You could just see it in their eyes when they left us on the boat. They didn't think we'd snag the Slammerhead our way." Meow smirked. "Shows what they know."

"Ooo, this is going to be...so...cool?"

"Well yeah. Of course it's going to be...be...what the?"

Prideful as they were of their ostensible victory, the phrase 'too good to be true' was still playing on repeat in their heads at a semi-inaudible 20 hertz. The statement got quieter and quieter with each completed turn of their handles, but it never actually left. As the saying goes, when something's too good to be true, it usually is. What most won't tell you is that these words of caution are trying to warn you about two specific scenarios. The first is built around the premise that your good times are a fluke, a glitch in your endless daily struggles, and each passing moment increases the likelihood of this good fortune dropping dead and tripping you with its corpse.

"It shouldn't be this easy."

"Don't jinx it, man. This just gives us a chance to rest our bods."

"But look at our lines! They're slackening faster than we're reeling them in." QT fussed. "Maybe the Slammerhead gave up!"

Meow looked over the back of the ship and as far as he could into the sea. "Dang. I think you might be right. They're just swaying down there without a care in the...wait! They're moving!"

"Are you positive? I don't feel it getting any harder."

"That's um," Meow swallowed. "That's because they're moving...the other way"

The other set of circumstances this phrase applies to posits that whatever was 'too good to be true' was wholly fictitious; it was terrible all along and you were just too callow to realize it right away. And with their lines still rising up from the clear water at a steady incline despite them letting go of their reel handles entirely, that hushed phrase rose to a foreboding clangor and they knew exactly which of the two situations they were in.

"H-hey, QT."

"Y-yeah?"

"I don't think we're actually hauling it in." A frigid, late-afternoon breeze amplified the cold fear that was curdling in his long throat. "I think it's actually coming u-."

Almost impatiently, the surface of the ocean erupted into a wide, fleeting geyser of unnatural origin and might before Meow could finish. QT's body sizzled and spasmed as his systems tried to purge the water that rained down on him and the sloop like a hail of rust-mongering darts. When his vision returned, he was shocked to see that he had managed to keep a firm hold on his rod. Much less shocking and infinitely more alarming was the Slammerhead flapping its 20-meter wings above them and looking very different from its portrait in the bounty ledger.

Instead of dark, slick flesh, this Slammerhead's body was completely covered by bright orange crystal. Its finer features had been simplified into a rough outline as if this were the blocky beginnings of a Slammerhead statue that had come to life mid-carve and devoured its Pygmalion. The crystal made the creature's feet and talons appear as a congealed, edge-laden mass that terminated into broad, gruesome hooks whose tips glinted wickedly in the light of the late day. The end of its clubbed tail was now adorned by a crown of menacing spikes. A tremorous cracking rang out as its armored joints and muscles grinded against one another with each mighty wingbeat. From the way it looked to the way it moved, the creature had an aura of heaviness about it. The alien hunters wondered how it was managing to stay aloft when every movement it made seemed burdensome and weighty.

The Slammerhead didn't care about that. It could still fly. It felt a little more difficult, but it sensed that its newfound vigor would make this handicap a non-issue. That was all that mattered. With that settled, it could now move on. The winged beast broke right and would have fled quite handily if it hadn't carelessly forgotten to spit out the fishing lines from its maw or if Meow and QT hadn't been so relieved – to the point of distraction - that their frightening prey was leaving them alone.

The Slammerhead did not notice that it was now dragging the Gem Sloop behind it, only that its flight wasn't as high or swift as it wanted it to be. For the Betelgeusian and robot on the boat, however, it was difficult not to notice.

"Why didn't we just let go?!" Meow cried as he cursed whoever had designed their fishing equipment. Maybe the reels would have gotten ripped out or the poles themselves would have snapped at the handle if those manufacturers hadn't done such a damn good job.

"In my defense, I paid good money for these rods."

"But we can let go now, right? Right?" Meow wheezed through the pain of his harried hindlegs.

"We're all that's holding the Slammerhead back. If we let it loose, it'll destroy Beach City for sure." QT said. "And the people there were really nice."

"You're just saying that because a lot of them took selfies with-." Meow's tail, now bristling and sensitive with tension, felt the wooden floor it was pressed against pitch in a very unwelcome way. "Oh That settles it. We're totally hosed!"

"What's wrong?!"

"The boat!" Meow screamed. "The boat's starting to tilt!"

With his wheels locked and his gyroscopes automatically keeping him balanced even at this disastrous juncture, QT had been unaware that the boat was on a steady decline from where they sat. For each moment they clung to their rods, the draught between the Gem Sloop's aft and the sea diminished. The angle of the Slammerhead's flight and how they had propped themselves against the gunwhale was causing the back of the craft to sink into the ocean.

The lowered stern crashed through the larger waves that flowed across the surface, rupturing them, and causing large sheets of liquid to splash onto the alien hunters. QT ran hard reboot after hard reboot to keep himself online. He was taking in more water than he could flush out and his power cells were suffering for the attempt. Each time he woke, the boat had plunged a little bit deeper, Meow was a little more soaked, and there was a little less will in his frazzled processors.

Somewhere between blackouts, his hat and sunglasses had fallen over the side.

"QT." Meow shivered. "I don't think we're gonna win this one."

Through drenched, crackling wiring, QT crunched the data. The Slammerhead was witlessly running the boat like a clunky plow through the fields of the Atlantic. This prevented it from generating enough speed to escape into the atmosphere. But even if he and Meow weren't about to collapse from the effort, the boat would either flood or capsize, taking them out and freeing the creature. Or perhaps the Slammerhead would fly towards them, try to go up at a sharper angle, or have the good sense to open its mouth. It all just showed how precarious their situation was, how lucky they had been to have come this far, and how it was impossible for them to keep this up.

"M-ksssh Me too, Meow. Me tzzrk-too." QT sputtered.

The Betelgeusian forced his cramped neck to nod. "Okay, on the count of three, we both let go. Then we can ring up Dandy and tell him about the Slammerhead." The image of a check mark flashed across QT's visor. "Phew, all right. One…two…" As 'three' was about to slip through his teeth, the boat started to right itself. They were still moving, his arms still felt like they were going to get torn out of their sockets, but they were slower now and there was a small splash as the frontward hull of the sloop made contact with the ocean. The Betelgeusian shifted his head and saw that Garnet was now topside and sporting a pair of robust, crimson gauntlets.

"Sorry I'm late." She slipped off one of her gloves and dropped it near the bow with a thud, balancing the craft. The Gem then summoned the mast out from the deck, but did not make its sails unfold.

Those were some deceptively heavy knuckle dusters, Meow thought. "We're saved! Thank god, you're here, Garnet. Quick! Grab our rods! Neither of us can take much more of this!" Garnet stepped forward, but did not take either of their fishing poles. Instead, she spun on her heel and launched herself at the top of mast, causing the entirety of the shaft to bend under the weight and force of her landing. Just when it looked like it was going to break, she eased the pressure she was putting on it and kicked out from her perch. The pole then snapped back into place, catapaulting the Gem skyward. "That is not what I asked you to do at all!"

"No, Meow. This is a good thing!" QT exclaimed as he watched Garnet rocket towards the Slammerhead like a scarlet mortar.

"How is this good in ANY way?" he seethed, eyeing Garnet's ascent resentfully. "The freaking fishing pole is still in my paws!"

"Garnet took down the Slammerhead before, remember?"

"Right..." Meow's bobbed his head as he remembered what she had told him when they had first met. "She punched it! Maybe she can do it again."

It certainly looked like she was going to try. She was closing in on her target now, fist-first. QT didn't have all the facts, but if Pearl hadn't been exaggerating when she had told him and Dandy about Garnet's feats of strength, one blow from her could end the entire hunt. "Fingers crossed."

"I think I might've dislocated mine."

"Then use your imagination."

***CLONG** *

"What kind of sound was that?"

"I…I didn't feel anything."

"Preaching to the choir, man. I am in so much pain right now that my arms are pretty much numb."

"That's not what I was talking about. I didn't feel anything through my rod when she punched the Slammerhead."

"So?"

"Meow, that probably means her attack did absolutely nothing."

"That's nuts. She must weight half-a-ton and she was going like a hundred miles an hour!"

***WHAM!** *

Furthering the pair's bewilderment, the Slammerhead pulling its face back and smacking it into Garnet did make a morbidly satisfying sound.

"Incoming!"

***SNAP!** *

As did her crashing into the mast, which wasn't able to bend far or fast enough to avoid breaking apart this time.

"That could've gone better," Garnet groaned as she got back up.

"You said it. Not me," said Meow. "Might I suggest a change in strategy? Maybe try pulling it down here? You could take these off of our hands and-."

"Hold the line," Garnet ordered, slinging the larger fragment of the broken mast over her shoulder like a club. "Help is on its way." She jumped over their heads and onto QT's fishing, then she leapt onto Meow's line, then back onto QT's, getting several feet higher with each alternation and bringing further taxation to the duo's arms with each bound.

"The twanging! The twanging!" Meow wailed. "Who does she think she is? Cirque du Soleil Mega Man?!"

"Help is on its way?!" QT repeated incredulously. "What help?! When? Where?! WHO?!"

"She was probably referring to me."

With a groan, QT and Meow twisted their bodies as carefully as they could towards whoever had said that.

"Amethyst?" Meow rasped.

"Sup?" she greeted as she squeezed some saltwater out of her matted mane.

"Please..." QT begged. "Take our rods! I'm running on fumes and the inside of my chassis feels like a septic tank!"

"Pfffft. Fishing rods?" Amethyst snorted. "I've got something way cooler than that, tin man." She brought a hand to her chest and tore a tangle of light from her Gem. She whisked the jumbled construct around her body and snapped it against the deck, dispelling the excess radiance and leaving behind a three-tailed, purple whip studded with crystal thorns.

"Hot."

"Seriously, Meow?!" QT whined.

"A bodacious, big-lipped, violet shortstack just pulled a whip out of her cleavage. How can I not find that kinky?"

Amethyst gagged. "Keep it in your vest, Puss in Crocs!" she warned as she pulled back her weapon. "And watch me work!"

With a twist of her body, she lashed her whip out towards Garnet and the Slammerhead. The pyramid-tipped rope darted through the air like a cobra, a miniature Quetzalcoatl with blades in place of feathers. It traveled parallel to QT and Meow's fishing lines, its velocity goaded on by the remainder of the whip's loop. A peal of artificial thunder punctured the howling of the winds that blew against them and the aquatic dirge of the sea they were being towed through as the end of the weapon broke the sound barrier. Very dramatic. Such a shame that it didn't quite reach the Slammerhead, stopping about halfway from where it needed to be before it fell between the - formerly impressed, now dumbfounded - alien hunters like a long, undercooked noodle.

"Give me the rods."

"I think my optics shorted out there for a second. Was that supposed to happen?"

"Give-me-the-rods."

"Hey, QT. You got enough power for an instant replay? I want to pinpoint the exact moment when that whip DIDN'T reach the Slammerhead."

"JUST GIVE ME YOUR RODS!"

* * *

Dandy waited until they were close enough to wade to shore before he turned off the thrusters. They walked the rest of the way through the shallow water, gingerly stepping on and over the shells, rocks, and coral fragments that littered the submerged ground. Back on land, Steven plopped himself down on the beach while Dandy stuck his board where the sand was simultaneously moist and densely packed together.

A low, pleased murmur passed through Steven's lips. Even seated, he could still feel the ocean's funky flow rolling over his body, like he was still out there amongst the billowing waves. His mind raced with the memory of tempestuous dwindling passageways, the audacious navigation of stampeding slopes, and the humbling beauty of maritime avalanches. Like so many of the stranger episodes of his life, it had been something he never thought he'd ever do. Perhaps he'd never get to do it again. But he was thankful that he had. Another story of his own that many might not believe or understand, but it was his all the same. The ending however, this sunset, that was for everybody.

Sunrise. Sundown. Pretty terms. Poetic terms. Completely inaccurate terms. Poor Galileo was probably rolling in his grave like a cyclotron at people's insistent use of such misleading idioms despite knowing the truth of how things turned. The Moon revolved around the Earth, the Earth around the Sun, the Sun around Sagittarius A, and Sagittarius A around whatever sat at the center of the Universe's abstract axis. The gaseous giant that gave this system life did not kowtow to Earth's orbit like a light bulb moon. Which was probably for the best. Dandy had encountered suns that actually did streak across the circumferences of worlds. If good old Sol was even momentarily replaced by one of those literal shooting stars, sunset would be a fleeting season of blinding amazement, scorched lands, and fiery desolation instead of a dependable chapter of the day when a tender orange glow painted the sky.

The confession came out candidly, unprompted but genuine. "To tell you the truth, this isn't the first time I've been to Earth."

"It isn't?" Steven asked. "Hold on, you weren't born here?"

"Nah, but I always wanted to visit. Heard great things about the place." Dandy said. "And ten years ago, when I had a ship, enough fuel, and cash to burn, that's just what I did."

"Where'd you go?"

"The usual tourist attractions and landmarks. Mostly the USA, bit of Europe, Australasia, Japan, and some of China. Bought a bunch of travel books I never ended up reading, ate at places I could barely afford, got some souvenirs, and took a few pics. That sort of thing."

"What was that like? Going to other countries, I mean? Outside of missions, I've never really left Beach City." Steven said. "Are they anything like what they show in the movies or on TV?"

"Kinda. Like I told you, I just went to for the flashy, out-of-towner hotspots. They're real and phony at the same time, like a lightshow basically."

"That's a little disappointing." Steven frowned, now less eager to explore those faraway continents. "Weren't you bummed out by that?

"It was all right. It's a con, but everyone's in on it. Anybody older than seven knows that all those Hollywood, hallmark card moments are just manufactured fluff," he rubbed the side of his trunks, forgetting that this particular pair didn't have any pockets he could hook his thumbs into. "I'd just...come out of a bad-ish break-up. I didn't understand why it happened at first, but when I did, well, things got a little too real. I needed something synthetic, something safe and transparent to keep myself grounded. Take a break from all that danger and ambiguity. You can't drown in shallow water, right?" Steven nodded, but Dandy wasn't so sure he got it. "Well it made sense at the time. Go to the brightest and loudest places on the map and forget why your ex left you. Shut your brain off. Which is why quaint, little places like this." He had one of his arms gesture towards the town while the other motioned to the sea. "Kind of went under my radar...you'd think the big lady statue would've made it on at least one of those 'wonders of the world' lists though."

"Hmmm." Steven rubbed his chin.

"Haha! Dude, you just gave yourself a little sand beard!"

"Wh-? Oh. One sec." Steven took some water from a nearby wave and splashed the sand from his neck and face.

It looked like the kid had something on his mind. Dandy didn't see the harm in asking, "What were you thinking so hard about?"

"Not much. Just that, if you had visited Beach City, you might've gotten to meet Pearl a little earlier."

"Hey, that's...that's..."

"Then if you met her out in space a couple years later, you'd both be like, 'You again?!' And that'd be a thing and...well, you get it, right? It would've been kind of cool if that had happened."

"That sure might've been something." Dandy ran a nail along his right temple as he considered this. "I guess she would've been here back then, huh?"

"And so was I." Steven smiled.

"Yeah." Dandy smiled back. "The two of you certainly were."

They went back to looking at the sunset. Steven was delighted at how the sun was occasionally blocked by clouds, only to peek out from under them as it sank. It made it appear that the star itself was blinking; slipping in and out of consciousness, before inevitably going to bed and having the moon take over the night shift. Dandy's thoughts on what lay before them weren't nearly as fanciful. In fact, their sights were set squarely on the other direction; at Beach City. Weird town. Right next door to a trio of magical ladies, but entirely unassuming about it. He kept trying to find a distinctive gimmick to define this place, some greater theme you could emblazon on a promotional flyer. Nothing came to mind. It just seemed to casually be there, comfortable in its own existence.

Somewhere between the theme parks and wastelands of the Earth were places like this. Little havens free from pomp and peril. Lands whose little eccentricities couldn't overpower the smaller, simpler marvels that were often draped with the desperate urgency to 'own' such moments elsewhere. None of that underlying paranoia that it might all be a superficial imitation of a genuine experience. It was unreal how sincere it all was. Like something out of a childhood memory he never had, but solid under foot. Simultaneously dreamlike and concrete. Dandy reached a kind of epiphany then. There was never a going to be a good time to tell Steven what he had promised him. From now until doomsday, there would never be a moment that couldn't be made worse by what he had to say. But he knew that if he was ever going to come clean, he couldn't have asked for a better place to do so.

"Woof. Getting kind of chilly out here, isn't it?" he asked, rubbing his arms as loudly as he could. "Let's head back to the ship and towel off."

"But we'll miss the sunset."

"We can look at it along the way. And if I know my stars – and I do – we've got about an hour before dusk comes a knockin," he pulled his board from out of the sand and tucked it under his arm. "We'll take a quick shower, I'll warm up some cocoa, and...I'll tell you what you want to know."

"For real this time?"

"Totally." Dandy nodded as he began to walk towards the Aloha-Oe by way of the softer and less damp sands. "I promised, didn't I?"

That was good enough for Steven. And the promise of cocoa didn't hurt Dandy's proposal either. He brushed the sand off the back of his shorts and followed Dandy, making sure to keep a modest distance from him. The rocket board was cool, but he didn't want to get hit in the face by it if Dandy suddenly decided to turn around.

That's when they heard it; a faint rustling that the ears of those unaccustomed to misadventure and conflict would miss. The distinct sound of rushing air as something fell from the sky.

It landed several yards away from Steven, bringing forth a shower of sand from where it had impacted.

Too small to be the Slammerhead, thought Dandy. But his relief was short-lived as a familiar, pointed silhouette made itself known through the earthen rain.

"Pearl?"

* * *

Before she had even known its name, Garnet felt a tinge of resentment towards the Slammerhead. Nothing personal, she'd insist. She just didn't appreciate attempts on her life or those of her friends. Learning more about the creature from QT had sharpened that tinge into a more defined contempt. After all, it wasn't some wild animal, but a malevolent plunderer by its own volition. As another one of her punches failed to faze it, the contempt had mutated into full-on dislike.

Balancing on the dual fishing line tightropes wasn't a problem. Getting to the aerial monstrosity hadn't taken too much effort. No, the bane of this battle lay in the beast's forehead. Right where she had struck it the previous night, hidden behind the Slammerhead's new crystalline carapace, was an orange geode wreathed in a nest of golden metal.

A Mend Stone.

Why did it have to be a Mend Stone?

Out of all the artifacts they had yet to retrieve, why did this slathering savage have to stumble onto that one?

The sole saving grace of this disastrous scenario was that Pearl's plan hadn't technically changed. This close to the alien, Garnet's Future Vision could see that victory would be a most assured outcome if she could just hit the target. It would've been simple if she could get a good grip on the Slammerhead's skin or if she could sling an extended arm wrapped around its body, but its new armour was too slick to be grabbed onto and its thrashing made her position too unstable for her to accurately lasso it in. Trying to tie it up with the rigging and sails of the mast had also failed. And her go-to tactic of punching the living daylights out of it had resulted in a whole lot of nothing much.

No doubt recalling how their encounter from the previous day had gone, the Slammerhead initially panicked when she had come up to it and had even tried to fly away after successfully repelling her the first time; an effort thwarted by its inability to let go of the fishing lines that moored it to the Gem Sloop. But with each failed attempt to hurt it, the creature became less and less perturbed with her presence. This growing complacency on its part infuriated Garnet, but it also gave her more leeway to experiment with different attacks. This time, she'd jump off of the rope, enlarge her gauntlets, and go for the ankles; take it off balance and drag it down into the sea where her movements wouldn't be so limited.

Without warning, the Slammerhead lurched to the right, throwing her off of the lines before she could try out this new strategy. Barely a second later, it charged back the way it came, clipping her midsection with the rope as it passed her by.

"Drat."

"Garnet's down!" QT screamed as he saw her hit the water.

"She'll live." Meow grumbled. "We've got bigger problems to deal with. Like how that greased-up goon is SCREENING MY CALLS! I can't even get a text through!" he cursed as another 'Failure to Deliver' alert cropped up.

"Did you try Dai-Messaging him?"

"Yes."

"How about the phone on the ship?"

"Yes, I tried that. Nothing's working! OUCH! Watch where you're going, Amethyst! You just stepped on my tail!"

Apologies weren't Amethyst's forte and even if they were, she wouldn't spare one on Meow for leaving his tail lying around. "Hey, it's not my fault that YOUR alien decided to fly the-woo!" The lines pulled her starboard. "What the heck is it doing?!" she asked as she was yanked towards the aft.

"It seems to be circling the ship."QT observed.

"Yow!" Meow ducked his head before the chords could slice it off. "Well, duh. But why?"

"I should really be resting my circuits, but..." his screen briefly buzzed with static. "...if I had to guess, it probably realized that pulling in one direction wasn't working. So it's pulling on all of them in hopes of-."

"AHHHHH!" Amethyst screamed as her feet left the deck.

"-that!" QT finished.

"I got ya!" Meow tucked his phone into his vest pocket and pounced, grabbing Amethyst's boots and hooking the vamps of his crocs on the edge of the sloop in a show of totally-not-cat-like agility. But rubber foam shoes aren't the best kind of footwear for this sort of thing, especially when they're wet. So it wasn't long before they slipped off of the gunwhale. "Whoah! But who's got me?!"

"Meow!" QT's arms shot out from his sides and looped around Meow's waist. The little robot disengaged his breaks and diverted all the energy he could spare into his wheels, turning and reversing them in tune with the Slammerhead's rotation.

After making it through the third of such twists, there was a soft bang as the motor attached to his primary axle exploded.

"Gah!" With nothing but his paltry rear drive to fall back on, QT was lifted into the air, leaving behind a trail of smoke as he went. "Bzzzrkt-kah-huh?" his rising terror, bawling, and altitude came to a standstill as he felt himself being held in place. The robot didn't have eyes on the back of his cranium nor did he need any to see who was responsible for this last-second save. "Has anyone ever told you that you're very, very good at sneaking up on people?"

"It's come up in conversation." Garnet answered.

"Garnet!" Amethyst called out from above. "What do we do?!"

"If it wants to fly around in circles so badly, I think we should help it out."

"Talk straight with us, lady. QT and I get enough of that doublespeak from Dandy."

"Killjoy." Garnet muttered before raising her voice to explain. "We use the Slammerhead's own momentum against it; pull the rods in the direction that the Slammerhead is going, hard and fast until it can't keep up and loses control. We make it crash in the water and then we finish it off while it's dazed."

"Slamming down the Slammerhead." Amethyst summarized. "I like it! What do you need us to do?"

"Just hold on."

"Well," Meow could all ready feel the nausea setting in and was thankful that he had all ready undergone a similar ordeal with Dandy on Planet Pushy Boyfriend. Then he realized that getting whirled around and tossed at a distant world from atop an enormous, rickety water spout was a pretty stupid thing to be thankful for. "At least we won't have to do anything complicated."

"True." QT murmured.

Hearing no objections, Garnet whipped her companions to the left with a powerful swing. She felt the sharp tug of the Slammerhead trailing behind, but did not waver at this resistance. They kept going, taking care to stay ahead of its flight so they could maintain the initiative. Several revolutions later, every ensuing spin was easier and went faster than the last.

As detailed before, the mind of a Slammerhead is a rank porridge of preferences, vice, hunger, and misunderstood mathematics. But if it could form complete thoughts, their development would follow as thus: Initially, it would think, "Gee, flying isn't as hard as it was a second ago. I must be doing something right." As it started to feel led on by Garnet's efforts, it would remark, "Fabulous! It's gotten even easier. I'm moving so fast that I barely have to flap my wings." Then it would get the sense that something was amiss and wonder, "Hang on, I'm going a little too fast. Shouldn't I have loosened myself from whatever was holding me back by now?" Upon getting an inkling that it was being had, it would say, "Hey! What gives? My wings aren't doing anything! I can't stop! The speed's too much!" That's when it would realize how screwed it was and react with, "MRRRRRRRRRAUGHRK!" which was what it still would've done outside of this hypothetical boost in intelligence.

Garnet heard an enraged gurgling come from high up. That was good. If it was enraged, that meant it was no longer in control. The Slammerhead was now being swept along in a twister of its own making, a ring of force that rendered its protections and muscles ineffectual. Not that it was much easier on Garnet, she needed to make sure that her footing was just right or she might get them all caught up in the kinetic tempest as well.

Each link of this living chain handled the gyrations differently. Amethyst happily hollered. Meow tried not to throw up. And QT was rather quiet. This must not have been bothering him too much, him being a robot and all.

One more, the odds told her, one more for maximum effectiveness and she'd dash it into the sea. Her strength would not falter, her aim was true. There was no future where she would let go. She could not, would not fail. And she didn't. Because somebody else did.

Her predictions had told her that if anyone was going to choke and ruin everything, it would be Meow. A valid possibility, she had thought. Physically, he was the weakest one on the boat and from what she had observed, he was – to put it bluntly – something of a weenie. But when the Slammerhead was sent hurtling towards the sunless horizon, the unexpected detachment forcing Garnet to her knees, the Betelgeusian was nowhere to be seen. Of the three she had anchored, only QT, with his arms littering the deck in a flaccid sprawl, remained.

"QT, what happened?! Why did you let go?!" she turned him over and then felt absolutely rotten for asking. "Oh QT…"

"L-low b-battery," he managed to say as his visor convulsed in a chaotic array of discordant imagery. Between the flashing colours and distorted video footage, his eyes would briefly blink back into existence; looking pained and lost. "C-Critical System f-Failure. I'm sorry. Please tell Pearl th-that-I-I didn't-we shouldn't have-I'm-I'm sorr-."

With his power completely drained and his internals still flooded with the water he had failed to purge, QT's apology was rendered orphaned and unfinished, leaving Garnet alone on what was left of the sloop.

* * *

Landing in such a loud and rough manner hadn't been Pearl's intent. Her aim had been to spot Dandy from above, swoop in, and transform back into her humanoid state; a much more elegant entrance than this. But when she saw him and Steven right next to each other on the coast, she just had to get down there as fast as she could. Mess or no mess. And she was quite a mess. Her hair was all stringy from the flight and some sand had gotten into her slippers. Then there was the matter of what she was going to do now. For the last hour, getting here had been the only thing on her mind. And now that she was, she had nothing to take its place.

"Pearl?" Steven asked again.

Focus, Pearl told herself. Focus. Prioritize, Assess, and then figure the rest out from there. "St-Steven. Good-," she tried to remember what time it was. "-Evening. Oh, and, uh, good evening to you too, Dandy. I see you managed to get out of your ship."

"Yeah, I just kinda teleported out of it," he said nonchalantly. Her polite greeting had been enough to quell the distress provoked by her arrival.

"Teleported?" she gasped."You mean you and QT finally got around to fixing that old thing?"

Dandy nodded, putting his board back in the sand. Something told him this might take a while. Another something tried to say that her gasp had sounded a little insincere, but Dandy kicked it into one of the dustier corners of his mind and shut the door. "Sure did. Runs like a dream now. Not a very good dream, but it gets us where we need to be."

"Like the Temple."

"Oh…no…that was an…accident," he mumbled. "Complete misfire. Anyway, that's where I ran into Steven. We got to talking and decided to hang out. He's been showing me around for the last few hours, giving me a guided tour of Beach City."

"Did he?" she flashed Steven a grin that didn't reach her eyes. "How AWFULLY nice of him."

Steven tried to chuckle. It sounded like jovial choking. "You know me! Always willing to help a guy out. Good 'ol Steven," he said, wracking his brain for something that would make her less angry at him or at least make her smile a little nicer. What he found, he didn't like. But it was all he had in stock. "Wasn't all fun and ray guns though."

"Ray guns?"

"Games! Fun and games!" he corrected. "You see, when we passed by the Aloha-Oe, we saw that it had been completely covered in duct tape. It was a real big shock for the two of us. A gang of pesky vandals must've trussed up the ship while I was treating Dandy out for donuts and doing other totally safe stuff." Steven winked.

"Can you believe that?" Dandy said more than asked. "Pack of hoodlums in a nice little town like this."

"D…definitely. Most definitely. Such a shame," she shook her head. "First they're wasting fresh and perfectly clean rolls of toilet paper on petty vandalism and the next thing you know, they're playing hooky and busting out the duct tape. I hope that they – that is, the hoodlum vandals – didn't inconvenience you too much with their little prank."

"It was really annoying and I'm definitely going to get some payback later on, but it didn't stop us from having fun. Took Steven surfing after we got rid of the tape. Slow day for it though. Waves weren't that big."

Liar. She seethed. Another one of his stinking…Keep it together, Pearl. Keep your cool. Don't do or say anything that'll give yourself away. You still need to get Steven out of here. And then give him a stern talking to once you take him to safety. "Well at least neither of you wiped out and drowned."

"You've got a point there," he said. "But if you don't mind me asking, - I mean, this is your hometown so you can do what you want - but what are you doing back here by yourself? Did you guys manage to snag the Slammerhead?" Genial as she was right now, he'd rather have the others around to act as buffers and potential witnesses just in case it didn't last.

"The others are doing just fine. I'm sure they have the matter well in hand," she said. "I just came back here because I remembered that I needed to help Steven...finish his homework."

"He doesn't go to school."

Pearl beat down a grimace that tried to twist her features. Her eye had twitched a bit, but she could blame that on the sand if he asked. There was only one way Dandy could have known that; what else had Steven told him? "Did-did I say homework? Slip of the tongue. What I meant to say was that I came back here because it's getting late and I wanted to make sure Steven was home by...curfew."

"Curfew?" Dandy's face crinkled as if he had just eaten something sour. "Guess he's still at that age. Whelp," he said, putting his board back under his arm. "Can't argue with that. C'mon Steven."

Steven's shoulders hitched. "W-why?"

"Your clothes and flip-flops are still at the Aloha-Oe. We'll swing by the ship, pick them up, and then you can head home."

"That won't be necessary." Pearl said quickly. She was almost there. There was a pocket of apprehension gathered in the back of her throat. A growing emptiness was running through her arms and legs. Though they were visible, she didn't feel like her hands and feet were attached to her body. Her head was numb; hollowed out save for a piercing stressful chord of white noise and a severe, tightly-bound mass of emotion that was trying to eat through its restraints. Through this internal blend of sensory anarchy and desolation, she could feel that she was almost there. Another smile or worthless platitude would put this nightmare to rest. "It'll be dark soon. I need to get Steven home this instant."

"Really? The sun hasn't even come down yet."

"It's down enough. And you know what they say, Dandy. Early to Bed, Early to Rise," she tittered lyrically. "Not that he needs to sleep mind you."

"I wouldn't go that far. The kid's only half-Gem after all. Probably needs his rest."

Pearl's face fell. So did Steven's. "How...whatever gave you that idea?"

The something from earlier scratched at the door Dandy had locked it behind.

"Greg," he replied.

"Greg."

The something was pounding at the door now, but Dandy forged ahead, heedless of the mental percussion. "Yup. Greg. Steven's dad. That's what he said he was anyway. We found a local carwash where we could hose the lion spit off of Meow and I noticed that the guy who ran it had the same last name as Steven here. So I asked him if he knew..."

From where he stood, Dandy couldn't quite see all of Pearl's face. She was a little ways off, the sun was setting, and there was also his tendency to get distracted by his own stories to take into account. Steven, who was several feet closer to his ivory-skinned mentor, had a better view. He was not thankful for it though.

He saw how her cerulean pupils dilated as Dandy spoke, how her lips rose and fell to bare her teeth, how her body shook as if fraught by some personal, phantom quake. But he did not see how the emotions she had tried so strenuously to suppress broke free from her mind and flowed downward into her mouth, chest, and limbs, saturating them with feeling. He could not see how this torrent of unchecked anguish built up and crowded against her forehead. If he had known about that, perhaps he might've been able to alert Dandy before Pearl gave in to the indescribable, mental pressure that seemed to exist within and around her Gem and pulled out her spear.

"STAY AWAY FROM STEVEN!" she screamed, aiming her weapon at Dandy.

The tip of the spear started to glow and hum.

Though she wasn't pointing it at him directly, the way the spear trembled in Pearl's hands was making Steven nervous, so much so that he almost forgot to be afraid for the one it was actually being levelled at. He looked behind him to see that the order had brought Dandy out of his anecdote. Amazingly, Dandy didn't panic, though his eyes betrayed how confused and afraid he was, his words came out measured and even. "Pearl...put that down." He did however – in defiance to usual direction people go when faced with danger – take a step forward.

***BLAM!***

The energy bolt sailed past Steven's head. Thinking quickly, Dandy brought up his rocket board in an attempt to shield himself from the attack. Its nose and upper deck were blown apart as the shot tore through the device, the force of which sent Dandy falling back into the sand.

"Pearl!" Steven cried. "Why did you do that?!"

Pearl desperately wanted to tell Steven that it had only been a warning shot, that it wouldn't have hit Dandy even if he hadn't decided to cower behind his board. But if she did, then Dandy would know, and she needed him to take her threats seriously. Irritation bristled beneath her skin as she thought this over. This all could've been avoided if the two of them had taken her seriously. People listened to you when they took you seriously. "I warned you!" she yelled. "I won't miss next time!"

"All right." Dandy groaned as he shoved away the remains of his rocket board and picked himself up. "All right," he brought up both his hands in a gesture of surrender. "I'll stay where I am. Just...just calm down."

"Calm?" Pearl shrieked, her grip on the spear tightening. "How can I be calm when you're trying to kidnap Steven?!"

"Pearl, he wasn't going to...um...I don't think he was-."

"It was all an act, wasn't it?!" Pearl accused. "The Aloha-Oe can still fly. You must have planted some kind of tiny explosive on the outside so I'd have to let you stay! Another one of your dirty tricks!"

"I wouldn't blow up my own ship." Dandy objected.

"Considering the fact that you'd bomb the harbor to make a wave big enough for your ego to ride on, I don't think it's much of a stretch, do you?!" she gave him a moment to plead his innocence, to tell her that he didn't bring a child out into open water with missiles and ocean swells. He said nothing, so she continued from where she had left off. "Then when you learned what Steven was, you figured, why settle for just the Slammerhead? Why not-?" there was a sharp intake of breath as she prepared to voice what she feared would happen the moment she learned he was in town. "-Why not take two aliens to the registration center?"

Out of the corner of his eye, Dandy could see Steven stare at him with intense apprehension. The something at the door was quiet now, save for a smug 'I told you so' that he couldn't censor. "I wasn't going to take him there."

"How can I believe that?" she asked softly, unaware that her lip was trembling. "How can I believe anything you say?"

"I'm telling the truth." he insisted. "Spending time with Steven wasn't about tricking him or snatching him up."

"Then what is it about, Dandy?!" she yelled. "Is it about the rules you break?! The responsibilities you shirk?! The...the people you step on...Is that what this is about? Is it?!" Dandy didn't reply. He wasn't even looking her in the eye anymore. "And you!"

"Y-yes?" Steven stuttered.

"Steven, I told you to stay in the Temple until we got back. You promised me you would. You promised."

"T-technically I promised not to go out the door. And me and Dandy left the house by climbing out the window so...so..." he attempted to say, but seeing Pearl's eyes wrinkled and watery with betrayal and fright reminded him of how feeble the excuse was. "I just wanted to know what happened. You love space so much, I figured that getting to travel in it for half a year would've made you happy. Even if Dandy and you didn't get along all the time. I wanted to understand why it hurt you so much."

"And you thought he was going to tell you?" Pearl motioned towards Dandy, who seemed to have taken a glum interest in his decimated rocket board.

"He was just about to."

"No, I don't think he was." Pearl let out an unkind, humourless laugh. "He wasn't going to tell you anything. Nothing true anyway...Do you still want to know?"

The boy, who found he could not bring himself to say 'yes', nodded mechanically.

"Okay," she took in a deep breath to calm herself, but what was inside her, what was trying to goad her into drastic action, could not be satiated by a little superfluous air. "After six months of searching, if you can call it that, we finally found the Shatterlite. It was horrific. Enormous. It almost ate the ship and killed us the first time we came across it."

"Dandy said you guys caught it though."

"Yes," Pearl took another useless breath. "I don't want to tell you how, in case it gives you some very foolish ideas, but our next attempt to capture it," she felt something hot and wet slide down her cheek. "Succeeded. We actually succeeded. Target neutralized. Machinations thwarted. Mission accomplished."

Steven thought that would've been a nice way to end the story, but if it had ended that well, the three of them wouldn't be standing here right now."So why didn't you bring it back to the Temple? "

Another bead of moisture fell from her eyes. "Guess."

Steven conjured up all of the little hints and clues that he had gathered in his mind. Pearl's animosity. The bargain they had struck eight years ago. How the Shatterlite never made it into the Temple vault. The revelation that they had succeeded in subduing it. But Pearl had still come home empty-handed. How could that be? Greedy and Unscrupulous, he remembered. Her words. Encounters rare and exotic alien beings...Another one of your dirty tricks.

Steven trembled. He no longer had to guess. He had the answer. "No," he looked to Dandy, who appeared vague and undefined despite his close proximity. "You didn't."

"He did." Pearl said. "And after he took it..."she paused as one would before diving off a steep cliff. "...he left me. Out there. By myself. Alone. Stranded."

"I didn't strand you out there!" Dandy protested. "I made sure that-."

"You made sure that I'd have no choice but to come back here so I wouldn't chase after you!" she spat. "You didn't even have the decency to do it to my face. You just took the Shatterlite and ran! So don't stand there acting all innocent; telling me to calm down." She sobbed. "I'm ashamed to say that I actually waited." One of her hands left her spear and raised a reluctant finger to the sky. "Out there." The arm fell to her side. "Down here. I thought it had been a mistake. That you'd park that clownish craft of yours in front of the Temple one day and come out of it with some embarrassing, unbelievable excuse that would somehow be completely true. It's not like there was anything stopping you."

"I...There was probably a good reason for that."

"You had a ship! You knew where I'd be! Eight years, Dandy." She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She hated that she was wasting even a single tear on this two-faced idiot. If she had had enough concentration to close these ducts with her powers, she would have. "You could've come down any time you wanted. But that's just it, isn't it? You didn't want to. It took me a while to understand that."

" _You do what you want to when you want to!"_

Not now, Dandy thought. I've got enough on my plate all ready.

And that wasn't true anymore. That is, it was still true, just not as true.

He needed to put that into words, but that silver tongue of his wouldn't budge. His body felt frigid, his senses sour, his mind impossibly distant but still acutely aware of what was going on.

"You going back on our deal was bad enough, butthe more I thought about it, the more I realized how much of a phony you were. Every kindness. Every half-decent thing you ever did. It was all so you'd have me around for when you needed me. And then when you got what you wanted, you abandoned me."

" _DITCHER!"_

"I thought I had you all wrong; that underneath all that hedonistic narcissism, you actually cared. I thought we were…" the tip of her spear hit the sand as her grasp on the weapon weakened. "But it was all a lie. An act." The side of her lip twitched. "I have a hard time finding anything of worth in those six months-." We spent together. "-you took from me. But I took comfort in the fact that, in the end, you got what you deserved. Nothing. And that's all you're going to get this time too."

"Pearl."

"Just go, Dandy. Please…just go."

There exists an algorithm that, if used correctly, can accurately measure a person's desires. This is made possible by how It streamlines the framework in which these desires are birthed. Dreams, Fears, Emotions, Thoughts, Urges, Physiological Traits, and a sort of 'x-Factor' are broken down and simplified into a gnomic percentage unit, the stuff of you up to three decimal points. Using these equations, you would see that a majority of Dandy's being – specifically, 90% - was in favour of granting Pearl's request immediately. He had pushed his luck and now luck had cornered him and was punching back. Bail now and avoid bloodshed; what could be simpler? Plus, she had said 'please'.

A word of caution to the marketing firms or political parties that might find this algorithm: it is not perfect. While it might tell you the things a person wants and how much they want them, it cannot be certain which desire they will ultimately pursue. Only 3% of Dandy approved of what he had chosen. Sidestepping the warnings of further woe and the usually welcome spectre of self-preservation, Dandy lowered his head and looked Steven in the eye.

"Dandy, is it true?"

"Every word." Dandy replied. "What? Did you think she was just overreacting when she took a shot at me?"

"A little."

"Usually, I'd agree with you, kid. She can get pretty uptight at times. Now though, not so much." Dandy confessed. "I warned you, didn't I? That it didn't end well?"

"You did."

"Good. So get sad, get mad, but don't act surprised or disappointed." Dandy playfully scolded, but Steven's confusion and dismay were still apparent. "Or that it's your fault somehow. I knew this could've gone only one way, but I still went for it. Heh. Least we got a few laughs, right?" he reached out a hand to tousle Steven's hair one last time, but thought better of it, and brushed back his own hair instead. "Goodbye, Steven."

"Bye Dandy." The farewell brought a tired grin to Dandy's face. Satisfied, the alien hunter turned away and began to walk toward his ship.

"Steven?" he heard Pearl say, her voice tired and pleading. "Let's go home."

"Sure." Steven said, tearing his eyes from Dandy's retreating form. And there was Pearl, one hand still on her spear, but the other open and extended for him to take. In spite of all he had seen and heard, Steven was still glad to see the relief on Pearl's tearstained face that seemed to grow the closer he got to her. The spite and indignation were gone, having vindicated themselves on the true object of her ire. A small smile was now on her lips, a real one at last for she had much to be happy for: He was safe. She had said her piece. And it was unlikely that either of them would ever see Dandy again. He need only take her hand and they would return to the Temple to wait for the others; free Steven from the weight of all the awful truths and answers he had foolishly desired, put this all behind them, and forget. Which is why it was so hard for him to stop, turn around, and ask, "Why are you here?"

The question stopped Dandy in his tracks, but he did not look back. "What?"

"Why are you here?" he asked again.

"Steven..." Pearl said. "Come over here. Now. There's no need for this."

"Listen to her, kid. Let it go."

"Why are you here?!"

"I just told you what happened eight years ago!" Pearl said, her words taking on a frantic edge.

"Yes, I heard you. What he did was awful and mean. You have every right to be mad at him for it and I know you want him gone. But Pearl," he glanced back at her. "Why is he here?"

"Wh...I..."

"The Slammerhead was good money." Dandy interrupted.

"I don't believe that for a second!" Steven declared, refusing to swallow the lie. "You could have gone after some other rare alien, but you didn't. You knew Pearl would be in Beach City, but you still came here. You were afraid she'd find you, but you parked your giant, yellow spaceship right in the middle of the beach for everyone to see."

"Steven, that's enough." Pearl pleaded. "You're giving him too much credit."

"Maybe, but you said it yourself...and so did he: a Dandy does what he wants and if there's something he doesn't want to do, he doesn't do it." That simple creed was really complicating things, Steven thought. "He knew what would happen if he ever ran into you again, but it's like he wasn't even trying to hide. He had every reason to stay away from Earth, but he still came. I don't get it. None of it makes any sense. Unless-," the boy paused. There was only one way all these conflicting goals and happenings could be tied together. It was easy to dismiss, it felt preposterous to consider, but it was the only real possibility. He looked to Dandy, his posture as unreadable as the face he hid from view, and asked. "Dandy...did you want Pearl to catch you?"

"Steven, that's absurd."

"You don't know what you're talking about, kid."

"You're right. I don't know what I'm talking about. But do either of you?!" he demanded as loud as he could bring himself to be so that the two of them might listen to him. Neither replied. He closed his eyes, hating how his own words, the ones he had uttered and the ones still trapped in his head, were making him feel small and ignorant, but they still needed to be said. "I-I never cut a moon in half with my space car or became Lightweight Champion of the Universe. There are a lot of things that I haven't done, a lot of things I don't know. But something that I do know is that sometimes people hurt other people. Sometimes they mean to, sometimes they don't, and other times they'll do something that they know will hurt the other person, but do it anyway because they think they can get away with it."

"I've seen a lot of that happen. And from what I've gathered, talking can help. It sounds simple. I always thought it was. I do it all the time, right?" he tried to joke. "Just say what's on your mind, get it over with, and move on. I used to think that everybody that chose to be miserable instead of doing something as easy as talking was being silly and stubborn. But I was wrong. Because everything's harder when you're afraid." His thoughts turned to Lars, Sadie, Ronaldo, PeeDee, Connie, his father, and the Gems. "Afraid that nothing will get better even if you do talk, that they might get worse, that you might look dumb or weak, or that the person you want to talk to won't want to listen. So they keep it in and they hope that it'll all fix itself or they'll forget about it, but they never do." he cracked open his eyes. He turned to look at Pearl. On the surface, she merely looked concerned; an improvement over the terror and rage from earlier. What was happening below that, Steven could only guess. "I'm sorry that I left the house even though you told me not to. I've been lying and stretching the truth all day and I feel awful that I did. But...I'm happy that you said all those things. That must've been bugging you for a while."

"Really? But a lot of it was...oh." And the way she had said it; with the crying and the ranting and the near absolute loss of control. "This wasn't supposed to happen."

"But it felt good, right? Being honest. Letting him know all that stuff. Though maybe you could let him talk back a little? So the conversation isn't so one sided?"

"What could he possibly have to say that would be worth the trouble?" Pearl asked in a tone that was so sharp that it almost stung.

"Um, well, not to name names, but for some of the people I mentioned, distance wasn't really the big issue. Whether it was just them working a few blocks away from each other or living in the same place, talking about was bugging them was only a short walk away. They had a lot of chances. And while I really wish you had a lot of chances too, I think this might be the only one you've got. You can get Dandy's side of the story, maybe find out if he really did just come to Earth for the cash. I can't guarantee that you'll like the answers or if you'll get any, but at least you'll know that you asked."

"Steven...he had eight years."

"I know." Steven shook his head. "But he's here now."

Pearl pried her eyes away from Steven to see that Dandy was indeed there. His back was still to them, but he hadn't walked away. How apt. She had asked him to leave and he had stuck around.

"I'll...I...I can walk myself back to the Temple." Steven said. "You guys can chat or fight or whatever." Head hung low, Steven trudged his way towards town.

Now, nothing but a stretch of sand was keeping the former companions apart. Pearl was uncomfortable with how minimalistic this setting was without Steven in it. No Garnet or Amethyst. No one to hold on to or fuss over. It had suited her purpose earlier. She could yell and curse without anything getting in the way and Dandy just had to take it. He should've fled then, scampered off the moment she raised her voice, but he had stayed. Why, she couldn't fathom. Fear was the likeliest motivation, but it didn't feel quite right. Another mystery then. More secrets she'd never decipher. It wasn't like she could just up and ask him. Not after she had ordered him to depart. She'd look ridiculous if she took it back. Almost as ridiculous as Dandy did right now. Standing there, fully exposed without his beat-up spaceship, his impractical boots, his luckless sidekicks, or his kitschy wardrobe. Even his precious pompadour had abandoned him. Stripped of all the conceits that formed his identity, he was completely vulnerable.

Still he remained. Another insult might drive him off for good, but the righteous indignation that had filled her being was no longer there, having been replaced by an ambiguous tightness in her chest that no amount of internal shapeshifting could untangle. Where had all this uncertainty come from? She knew exactly what had happened, she had been there for almost all of it.  _'But Pearl, why is he here?'_  she could still hear Steven ask. It was obviously for the money. It had to be the money. It had to be. Besides, if she asked him, he might just lie to her again. She'd be a fool to try.

" _But aren't the true fools the ones who don't seize an opportunity, despite all the inherent risks?"_

Oh no, her own words. Now she was arguing with herself. Stupendous. Simply Stupendous.

Sick of where staring at Dandy's back was taking her, her gaze drifted out towards the sea. She rather liked sunsets. Orderly. Colourful. Grand. And the way the glaring rays of the sun struck the clouds, defining the contours and dimensions of their vaporous coverings. Spears of light, similar to her signature means of self-defence, that pierced and revealed the hidden depths of the ephemeral. Illumination, Gems good or bad were made of the stuff.  _"Like stars we are,"_  the words sparkled through the fogs of ages. Who had said that? Rose? Some ill-fated poet? Herself again?  _"Yet not as bright and duly blessed or cursed to think, feel, and sing."_

Sighing, she shifted her eyes to check if Dandy was still there. She was a little surprised, but none too shocked to see that he was looking out at sunset as well. She couldn't blame him. It was a rather splendid display.

"Dandy, there's-."

"Pearl, I-."

They both tensed and carefully turned to face one another. Unbeknownst to either, Steven had slowed his pace and perked up his ears to listen.

"If you'd like to start, that'd be..."

"No, um, unless you really need to-."

***SPLASH!***

The sound was distant, but booming, and brought both of their attentions back to the ocean. A large, misshapen object had struck the water and was now skipping across the rippling carpet of light the sun cast towards the shore. It covered several leagues with every inelegant impact, the increments between each unpolished bounce growing smaller and smaller. At some point, it struck the ocean floor, sending it skidding towards the shallows and ploughing an impromptu trench into the sand that lay between Dandy and Pearl.

The Slammerhead lifted its face from out of the loose, wet earth. It kept its bulky form as close to the ground as it could, jerking its neck from side to side, wary of what new curveball this dubious madcap day would throw at it next. When it saw the town, a pleased guttural purr rumbled across its many bladders as it drew itself up to its full height. It threw caution to the ether and shook the sand from its body. This was familiar territory. It was back in its element. It spat out the remains of its last meal in a spew of glass and plastic. Terribly unfulfilling stuff, but on the bright side, that meant it had room for seconds.

And that chubby kid in front of it would make for a superb in-flight snack.

* * *

_"How was it?" QT's voice crackled over her built-in headset._

_"Fine. It was fine, QT." Pearl huffed. "Just give me a moment to catch my breath."_

_"But you don't need to breathe."_

_"Then give me a moment to get my bearings; that was immensely disorienting."_

_"I'll bet. We did just shoot you straight into empty, open space."_

_"I knew what would happen, but it was still odd. I felt like I was moving, but it didn't look like I was getting anywhere."_

_"Good thing you can't get motion sickness. And considering what's on your back, I'd be more worried if I didn't feel anything. That would mean that it wasn't working or that it exploded and incinerated me instantly."_

_"I'm still wearing it, QT." Pearl sternly reminded._

_"Sorry. Couldn't resist. But you don't have to worry about distance or speed. From where Dandy and I were sitting, you were gone in a second and going stupendously fast."_

_"But was I going fast enough?"_

_"Let me see." Faint clicks and whirs filtered in over Pearl's speakers. "That was a good run, Pearl. However, there are still too many unknown variables for me to be certain. It's likely that we won't know until it's time."_

_And they had precious little of that left, Pearl fumed. "Terrific."_

_"Don't be like that. Remember, you just need to get to it in one piece. Me and Dandy would appreciate that happening as soon as possible, but we can take care of ourselves." QT assured._

_Given how much trouble the two of them got into on their own, Pearl had a hard time believing that. Despite how they had proven themselves to be surprisingly capable in the months prior, Pearl often wondered how they had lived this long without her. Very carefully, she imagined. "Where is Dandy anyway? The bridge sounds rather quiet on your end, so he can't possibly be there."_

_"Not sure. He left the cockpit after you got too far to see with the naked eye. Said he had to go fetch something and told me not to wait up. You can look for him when you get back. Do you have a visual on the Aloha-Oe?"_

_Pearl pressed a button on the cheek of her helmet. There was a worrisome mechanical jerking sound as its cameras struggled to function. She rapped her free knuckles on the side of the helmet. Buggy, Analogue Piece of-ah, there it was: the ship, a penny-sized ivory smudge even at max magnification. "Affirmative," she answered as she straightened her body so it was pointing in the Aloha-Oe's direction. "Lining myself up now."_

_"Scanners say you're all clear. This should be a lot less weird, right? Now you've got a point of reference to help keep track of your distance and speed. Just try not to crash into it."_

_"QT..."_

_"Kidding again. But seriously, don't hit the ship. The collision will probably kill us all. See you soon," he said before turning off the comm-link._

_The robot had been straight with her on one thing; it was nice to have the Aloha-Oe as a reference point. It gave her something to work towards, a goal. And when you had a goal, you could plan. Once she had her angle and posture just so, she gripper her spear tightly and used her right wrist to gently tap her hip, striking her communicator and activating the jetpack._

_The junk dealer - who looked like a colorful, belligerent fusion between a honey badger and a pirahna - they had bought it from told them that it was more a 'metaphor' or 'artistic statement' on the nature of jetpacks. Then he laughed when Pearl tried to examine it seriously along those lines. Actually, he amended, it was one of the last of a very short-lived consumer model long since taken off the shelves. To compete with the more established brands, its creators sought to make its production costs as infintesimal as possible. It had a single speed. No safety measures. Handling was…difficult. Its fuel efficiency was garbage. Slap on a slick chrome finish and it was - as the junker joked - the primordial jetpack distilled into its base elements: Rocket Fuel, a Match, and the Truth._

_"But it's cheap."_

_"Fella," the dealer said through jagged-toothed jowels. "Not to sound specist, but it would rip your frail, humie body in half the moment you switched it on."_

_"Ah," Dandy smirked. "But it's not going to go on my frail, humie body."_

_Pearl had rolled her eyes._

_They found a helmet her size - "Completely sincere here," the junker snicked. "Pawned this off of one of those hummingbird people. Should fit you though." - and paid extra to wire the jetpack to her communicator and link up the helmet to the ship. This set them back a few hundred wulongs, but if they hadn't paid that sum, then Pearl wouldn't be blasting off towards the Aloha-Oe at a velocity that would turn the insides of less hardy creatures into jelly._

_Though the visor shielding her face shuddered under the stress of the flight, the visual of miles melting with the seconds was consistent. It was important that she keep her arms at this position. A deviant inch in the wrong place could torpedo her trajectory or send her into a shambolic roll that would render her unable to turn the infernal contraption off. The spear made this problematic, but it was a necessary encumberance and its light weight and slight design were easy to compensate for. When she felt the Aloha-Oe was close enough, she switched off the thrusters. Pearl then tucked herself into a brief somersault, using the momentum to get her spear in front of her at the end of the flip. She fired several shots from the weapon to slow herself down as she approached the ship until she was able to delicately lay a foot on top of the Aloha-Oe, bringing her to a dignfied halt._

_"You did it! Great job, Pearl!" QT chimed. "At least we know the jetpack works. Head over to the entry port and I'll open the airlock. I think you've earned a little rest."_

_Pearl got into a seated position, prepping herself to climb down the side of the ship and into the airlock, but found that she didn't want to move from this spot. "QT?"_

" _Yeah?"_

" _I think I'm going to stay out here for a few more minutes. I'll radio you when I'm ready to come back in."_

" _Hmph. All right. Just don't come crying to me if a meteoroid hits you in the Gem."_

" _Noted." Pearl said. She put a thumb and index finger beneath her armoured chin and squeezed a pair of concealed switches, unlocking the helmet and separating it from the rest of her space suit. She relished the frigid void as it removed all traces of the claustrophobic mugginess her Gem had had to endure in that helmet. Her hair unfastened itself from its usual windswept style, framing her face in messy, fibrous locks. She'd morph that out later._

_Setting the helmet on her lap, she looped her hands under the straps binding her to the jetpack and lifted the twin toggles affixed to their sides. She grabbed the device by its now cool exhaust ports before it could drift very far. A little invention of her own devising; a failsafe she could use to easily remove the jetpack in case it became deadweight or impossible to steer._

_She stuck it in the hull, which was, like the rest of the Aloha-Oe, covered in bone. It had taken hours, but they had managed to cover the entirety of the ship's outsides with nigh-unbreakable Levia-Gaunt remains. It was mildly resistant to laser fire, but its true worth lay in how it would protect the vessel from being assimilated by the Shatterlite's pervasive tentacles. Her jetpack was similarly armoured with much smaller bones._

_She laced her fingers over the top of her helmet and rested her chin on it. As much as she resented how these purloined corpse pieces made the ship look like the logo of a mutant rhino jolly roger, she had to admit that it was horribly proper that it had come to this. The Shatterlite had erected a structure made of dead ships so they had followed suit albeit with a lot less murder. She looked out into the endless shimmering black and to her chagrin, she could find no solace in it. In convincing herself that the monster's past misdeeds were not her fault, she was more-or-less successful, but now she couldn't help but think of what it would do if they weren't able to vanquish it._

_Empowered to such an extent, would it stray from the pattern she had charted out? What then? Would it float about the galaxy as a counterfeit space station, consuming any ship unfortunate enough to dock with it? Would it be so arrogant as to attack colonies? Channel that hitherto unheard of aptitude for construction into actively mining planets and moons for ore? Would the completion of that fortress body be the end of it or was it just the beginning; the nucleus to some endlessly expanding massive mechanical lifeform?_

_The supra-glue holding our protections together will only last for another day at most, Pearl thought._

_Just as she was about to grab the jetpack and make for the ship's entrance, she felt a light impact on the side of her head, followed by granules of an unknown substance flying past her vision. They weren't meteoroid fragments, of that much she was sure._

_She looked to her right and there sat Dandy in his chalk-white spacesuit; perched, much like she was, on one of Levia-Gaunt ribs that wrapped around the breadth of the ship. In the low light emanating from the stars and the ship, she couldn't see his face past the tinted visor._

_He was holding up his left hand and pinched between its thumb and index finger was a shortbread cookie with a trefoil print. With a roll of his wrist, he tacitly lobbed it at Pearl. She leaned back, dodging the sluggish projectile. Dandy shook his head. He brought up his right hand, this one clutching a wrinkled, blue cardboard box. He took another cookie out of it, but instead of tossing it at Pearl, he flung it over the side of the ship._

_Pearl watched the confection tumble weightlessly through the boundless vacuum until it became a far-off, shadowy shape. Then two more circles of expired foodstuff flew after it. She followed their trail back to Dandy, who threw another cookie Pearl's way._

_This time she caught it. She rolled it so that it was clenched between the tips of her index and middle fingers and then flicked it into the sun-spangled beyond like a tiny, edible discus._

_They developed a kind of rhythm. He'd get a throw, and then she'd get a throw. This would've ended after they were through with the box's contents, if Dandy hadn't reached behind him and pulled out a burlap sack filled with the rest of his worthless Cosmic Girl Scout Cookies. And it would've gotten repetitive if they had just thrown them. But they found ways to keep it interesting._

_Dandy would grind a handful of cookies in his palm, let loose a clumsy jab and then open his fist; casting forth a spray of crumbs._

_Pearl had him pitch Yell Louds at her and she'd bat them and their pithy slogans away with empty containers or the flat of her spear._

_They'd 'race' different kinds of cookies towards some undefined finish line. Thin Mints vs. Singalongs. Peanut Butter vs. Tangerades. You're Very Welcomes vs. Upolus._

_They were games with few rules, just a step above littering. Nothing worthwhile had been accomplished. They were still circling a whirpool of dwindling hours. And what she'd do if they managed to triumph remained an unknown._

_It was a diversion, a fatuous exerice meant to kill time, dump Dandy's snack surplus, and distract them from how they would soon be risking their lives against a foe they barely understood; create a sense of calm and control through a battery of uncomplicated accomplishments._

_And it worked._

_If he could have heard her out there, she might have said,_

_"Thank you."_

**To be continued…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: So how about that Steven Bomb, huh? Phew! That was intense. Hopefully this story can still entertain you in light of that bodacious media barrage. Sorry that it took a while to make (again), the penultimate scene got a bit heavy and I wanted to do it well since it is a pretty important story turn. Surfing bit was also tricky. Chapter 6, the BIG FIGHT, should arrive in a couple of weeks, so look forward to that. And this conversation about what happened eight years ago is far from over.
> 
> R&R if you've got the time!
> 
> Surfing Slang/Terms Glossary:
> 
> Akaw-Something surfers shout when they spot a huge perfect wave, or when they are shocked or surprised.
> 
> Ankle Busters-Small waves
> 
> Barney-An inexperienced surfer, or someone who's no good at surfing.
> 
> Beach Leech-Mooching Surfer
> 
> Benny-A non local.
> 
> Bomboras-An aboriginal term for a wave that breaks over a shallow reef, located beyond the normal lineup and often some distance from the shore.
> 
> Choka-Awesome, Great etc.
> 
> Heavies- Big, Gnarly Waves.
> 
> Honkers-A really big wave
> 
> Kicking Out-To push down on the tail of a surfboard to lift and turn the nose over the top of the wave.
> 
> Pearl: A wipeout caused when the nose or front of the surfboard digs into the water, generally causing the surfer to tip-off forward. Usually occurs when dropping into a steep part of a wave.
> 
> Shoreys-An in-shore wave
> 
> Snake-Used to describe someone who deliberately "drops in" in front of a surfer who has the right-of-way. Also, someone who quickly sneaks behind another surfer with the right-of-way, putting his/her self in position to take more waves.


End file.
